Before you run away screaming at the idea of yet another post on the interwebs about WAHM vs SAHM vs WAFHM you can relax. I’m not going to walk you to the edge of an emotional cliff or ask you to know what is the best solution in the – initialism showdown.
(is there even a showdown?)
Truth be known- until very recently I thought WAHM posts were just WHAM! posts from super tired fans with fast keyboard fingers that do that thing I do when I sometimes type out teh instead of the. I breezed by them with zero interest because as much as I love George Michael (He is my Father Figure) when it comes to Brit Pop of the 80′s I am waaaaaaaaaay more into OMD. Just saying…
I am having one of those, “huh, isn’t it interesting to suddenly have an opinion on this matter” moments and since it is all so new and sparkly I figured I better chronicle everything about it now while the newness is interesting (at least to me). The newness that I am referring to, in case some of you weren’t able to view the site from work, is my quiet little announcement that I have started my own company with LJ, a friend and fellow blogger from the ALI community.
It was literally one of those peanut butter and chocolate moments where we were aware of each other having elements that would work well with each other but we both needed to get to a place of being truly ready to jump in. Because you guys, that is so what we did. We didn’t just shuffle our feet and spend eons of time daydreaming. The daydreaming had actually been happening for ages. Every time I worked on someone’s site and they had a question WAY beyond my scope I wished for a partner that had web geek brains. And I would hint (big time) to LJ that it would be so nice….
While I was at BlogHer I was empowered. Being around so many women that were heads of their own companies, running for political office, making big stuff HAPPEN- it was a heady perfume. And it was just the right note that I needed to be around to remind me that stuff doesn’t happen if you wait for it. Sure, sometimes great stuff can be random, but most of the time we make the great stuff happen. And we can’t do it alone. As soon as I got back I started planning WWTK (which is totally brand new and evolving and shape shifting- but it is going to be FUN! So please come visit us!) and I pretty much told LJ- “this is IT. We are doing it.”
It was put out into the universe. And, man I can’t even remember, but maybe it was less than 24 hours later, LJ calls me to say that if I am serious she is in. And oh, by the way…we might have our first client.
(And by the way part 2- how awesome is the name of our company?!!!)
If this is the Lifetime Movie version this is where we would cue the montage with the feelgood girl-band music because it got CRAZY busy. And that is how I suddenly was thrust into this very, very, very new territory of being a work at home mom. Which I am not so very good at. At ALL.
When I worked in Los Angeles I was one of those get up at 7am to be at work by 8am and work until sometimes 11pm types. I had next to zero social life and if my best friends weren’t my roommates I would have been a massive loser. And as much as I can describe the crazy hours and hint at some of the unusual on-call parameters of my job I sort of not so secretly THRIVED as a worker bee. Granted my job was not a typical office job and even within mundane tasks there was something exciting or unusual going on. There was a lot of scheduling, a lot or errand running (oh so glamorous!), and a lot of researching.
I don’t know which trait in my personality sings loudest for this, but when given a task, I am MOST divinely happy if I can sit down and do the task from start to finish in one block of time. I do not care if the block of time is one hour or 26 hours. The rest of the world literally goes quiet for me and my ability to multitask vanishes. I am a girl on a mission and I push forward with fierce intensity until the task is done. Then I shower, eat, and go to bed.
Well obviously this style of working doesn’t exactly mesh well with a super extreme toddler. W’s personality is fantastic! He is totally a 100% kind of person. (go figure) So trying to find moments of compromise have been interesting to nonexistent. And the fault is entirely my own. Because I am finding out that I am obnoxiously inflexible and yet I still try to actually negotiate with a toddler. Ha ha ha!
LJ’s & my first big project needed a quick turnaround and had tight deadlines. While this would have been the usual expectation when I was a worker bee, being SWIFT is not a muscle I have had to flex on a project in a long time. And not only did I need to be swift but I wanted to be perfect and wonderful and amazing and fantastic and out of the box the best designer that you ever did meet. Which, um, hi…excuse me, my son seems to screaming and throwing things at me right now. Can I call you back?
Which is where my Mother comes in. And the pure WAHM people start to throw their empty coffee mugs at me because I am SO cheating. Yes. Yes I am. W’s best friend in the whole entire universe (even more than a ceiling fan) is his Lolly. They have inside jokes, and silly routines, and morning adventures with Charlie dog…W adores his Lolly. As he should. Right now I am adored in pockets. But currently I am the lady attached to the stern word, “NO”. So what’s so awesome about that? I am also, sadly, the woman saying, “hold on just a second while I finish this one more thing…..” and then thirty minutes later look up and wonder where my son is. [it's ok- he's with my Mother]
Since W does so well with Mother right now, behaves like a prince, eats like a champ, naps for HOURS (which is just so offensive that he won’t do that for me) she has been taking care of W a lot. Just this past week I left him at home with her twice for pretty much the entire day. He was happy to see me when I was home, but he still wanted his Lolly to put him to bed.
Where things get complicated (or not, I haven’t decided) is that I really enjoy being away from him. I think what is complicated about that statement is that a part of me feels like I shouldn’t want to enjoy that. But I never imagined I would be a SAHM for W forever. I never really thought it through but I think I sort of stalled out in planning once Grandmother died. But it seems like the last time I imagined this era I was either still taking care of Grandmother at home and maybe had W in daycare for a few days a week and or pregnant. Ha ha ha.
I’m not so good for him/ with him 24 hours of the day, 7 days a week. I am amazed by women that are so invigorated by being stay at home Mothers and home makers. Stunned really. I feel like I would maybe be truly awesome at it once a month. Even now things fall through the cracks. W eats breakfast and then it is time for him to be put down for his morning nap. It is anyone’s guess if he will sleep for 45 minutes or two hours. Once I put him down I dive into my computer to catch up on work and if he wakes up 45 minutes later you can bet the first words out of my mouth aren’t, “yay”.
I think what I really want to get out in writing now is that I am happy. Happy with WORK. But finding a way to get the work done and still be a present and awesome Mama to W is something I am still navigating. I adore and love him, I so hope that is obvious.
Lolly takes W to the zoo (so I can write this post, etc)
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
My mom passed on this quote from Golda Meir: “At work, you think of the children you have left at home. At home, you think of the work you’ve left unfinished. Such a struggle is unleashed within yourself. Your heart is rent.” – Golda Meir
That’s definitely how I feel. I don’t think it’s quite what you’re saying, but for me it’s hard to multi-task in the sense that I feel like I can’t give anything my whole heart. It’s not really so bad as that, but….a little.
And a huge YAY on Plaid House. I’ve been waiting for you to do something like this.
I think working at home sucks. I have been doing it a lot. D. has developed a special heartrending gulping sobbing thing that he does when he’s in the care of a sitter, just on the other side of the gate in the living room. That Mama is here! in the house! right there! and not with him… and I’m trying to get through a 45 minute tech support call or whatever. The boundary issues are hellacious. and when it’s computer work… just one more email… just one more… whatever… I have no idea how much I worked and how much I did? what? in the last day. And you’re not “cheating” – some of us have Mother, some have Daddy, some have Uncle Fred (but not the creepy uncle). Since you don’t have Daddy when so many of us do, it’s hardly “cheating” when you do have help. I know, some work-at-home moms don’t have any help until 5:00 or whatever, but you know what I mean.
I’m glad you have WORK. I am somebody who needs it, and without it I am unhappy.
I work. I am happy to work (and I don’t work at home, because I wouldn’t be able to, even if my job allowed). I can’t even write a comment without a little someone coming to ask me something. How could you not be happy to get a break? It doesn’t mean you love W any less – plus, with your current situation, what you’re doing is necessary. So, go you!
Not cheating. There can’t be many WAHMs who are single and have no other caregivers or child care. I have a partner and full-time child care and still don’t get half as much work done as I need to.
I work from home some of the time, out of the home some of the time. When I’m home, I absolutely cannot get a single thing done, not even a quick work email, if the babies are awake and I’m on duty. Even when someone else is caring for them, it’s very hard for me to get work done if they’re awake. I work best (particularly on more difficult work that requires actual concentration) either long after they’ve gone to bed for the night or when I’m outside the house. When I go to the office, the babysitter’s impending departure almost always sends me home before I am ready, but at least I get much more done than I would at home.
Although I am good at some domestic things like baking and organizing, I am not cut out to be anything close to a SAHM. I go a little batty with only two consecutive days of exclusive mothering, and by the third day I am at crisis levels. I can be half-assed and exhausted if I’m with them all day, but if it’s only part of the day, I am a tremendously better mother.
I love being away from them. When I’m driving somewhere, or on the rare occasion I walk into a store, I feel carefree and wild. When I’m working outside the home, I feel like the old me, the original me. I also desperately love being with my babies, and much of the time I am cherishing every second and laughing and singing and lifting them up in the air and overwhelmed with joy exclaiming, “Holy fuck you are so cute!” Except when I am with them all day, in which case a good chunk of the day is spent with me as a lump on the sofa trying to fend off the baby who has toddled over and is trying to grab the iPhone out of my hand.
I can’t do anything on the computer for more than 2 minutes before holland starts getting jealous. It’s great that you have the help and that he still takes a morning nap. I think holland had the same shirt on today (from what I can see)
Um, I SO SO SO SO SO love Lolly’s lipstick.
That is all.
Or not, because I tend to ramble on…
I work part time, and part of the part time is from the “home office.” This summer has been a bit tough, as Smoosh has had daycare, but Malka’s been at “camp eemah and mommy,” and on Wednesdays, we call it “special tv surprise day.” Because i can’t get a lick of work done if she’s not distracted. Workbooks and puzzles and arts and crafts give me an hour tops – but then? PBS kids is my friend. I REALLY look forward to school starting up again, because then I have from 9-1 daily to work, and then I get to be Eemah from 2pm on… And I’m honestly not sure if I could the full time eemah thing, despite previous desires to do so.
It IS obvious you love him, and wanting to not be with him 24/7 does not make you any less of a great mom. I just did a post including this sort of thing myself (loving the daycare situation). Anyway, so glad you’ve got a great new project/career going for you (lemme know if anyone asks you about database-type stuff!
Of course you still love and adore him! Being a SAHM is HARD. I can only imagine it is worse when you are a single mom. Of course you have your Mother, but I am guessing that is not the same as having a partner who is actually the parent. You wouldn’t even want your mother to take on that role.
I stay home and I rarely feel invigorated. I feel like I am barely keeping my head above the water. I feel so incredibly boring and lifeless. Yet I love my kids more than anything and really don’t even want to work. Being a mom is just hard, I think.
I’m so happy your company is already taking off! I hope you are super successful!
I have to echo what Carrie said. I know many SAHMs, have been one myself for 5 point something years now after working the crazy schedules TV/Media careers some with.
I do not, nor does anyone I know, admit to feeling invigorated by being home with my children.
Deranged? Out of touch? Stifled even? Sometimes. But I am greedy about not wanting to miss a quirky sentence or a milestone. Or a moment. While at the same time planning my escape back to the working world as soon as I am able.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Motherhood. Yes. It’s hard.
Best of luck with the the new (ad)venture!
Dude, no need to apologize for enjoying your time at work. I LOVE what I do, and sometimes I’d rather stay there than go home to the drudgery of screaming baby and dirty diapers and washing bottles and and and. It’s so much easier to just focus on WORK, on a discrete problem to be solved, than to deal with the intense unrelenting neediness.
And on other days, I have been known to say (out loud) that all I want is to go home and see my baby. You’ll find your balance as long as you keep looking for it
it’s a REALLY hard balance, no question. not easy, by any stretch.
try not to feel badly about taking that time for yourself, when you can.
you are fortunate that W loves his lolly so — it’s really an ideal situation for now.
enjoy the work and the ability to throw yourself into it, when you are able — whether it’s a few hours in the afternoon when he’s with his lolly or after he’s gone to bed, or before he gets up, or whenever.
I had to laugh with your um, can I call you back line. that was me trying to work from home, on a conference call with a funder before I found the mute button. when baby J switched to just 1 nap/day, there was NO way I could work from home and I had to bring in a sitter for a few hrs on M/W. I go in my office and shut the door and don’t come out until the time is up. (now if I could just get off twitter…)
anyway, huge congrats on the new endeavor. so. very. exciting!
I see great things on the horizon…
I have to say that I am so damned happy for you that this new venture of yours is already thriving! I think the conflict (or whatever you want to call it) you are feeling is pretty normal and I don’t think you should feel guilty about it at all. Hell, maybe the company will take off and you’ll be the next internet giants and Lolly can be a stay at home grandma.
Who do I have to blow to get in on this project?
I am utterly unapologetic about the fact that I enjoy going to work. I think I am a better mother when I come home, because I have had the chance to be away and recharge my batteries. I don’t feel guilty about that at all. I enjoy every minute of being a mother, but I also enjoy being myself, and part of being myself is having a career that I love. I like to think that I am being a good role model for my daughter.
I’ve lived both lives and there are highs and lows to both. With that said, any SAHM who says they don’t enjoy time alone are lying. Going grocery shopping without the kids in amazing – LOL!
I knew when I was on maternity leave that I was not cut out to be a SAHM. I wish my hours were shorter, and that she wasn’t often overtired and/or overstimulated by the time I pick her up at daycare, but I think I enjoy my time with her more not being with her 24/7, and not changing every single poopy diaper. As Baby Smiling said, the days when I am alone with her all day long are hard. I try to make weekend plans because it’s easier and more fun. She loves the interaction, and I love being able to say, “Please hold her/play with her while I go pee.” As I commented on Kristin’s blog, it was great at the ALI blogger meetup to hand her to an internet auntie and go off with Eden to get a much need cup of coffee.
Nothing wrong with wanting to work – there is no balance done easily. Wanting what you can’t have, right? I think it’s great Lolly is there now for W – hurrah and enjoy it.
Sometimes being a mom is about letting go of the guilt and just getting on with what *we* need to do. W is thriving, he loves you and try to enjoy the times you are together. I’m a full-time SAHM (married but Husband works 80+ hours a week and is rarely home during children hours) so I can attest to the tough part of being a SAHM. I love getting out on my own (maybe happens once every 3 weeks with our schedules so enjoy what you have now!
I’ve written about these conflicts too. And the 100% person in me too is what causes so much angst and trouble with the mothering. I want to mother 100% when I’m doing it yet there’s a lot of life to do too, so I can’t.
Work is where I get a break. L runs me ragged so staying at home with her 24/7 now that she is so much more mobile would not be good for either of us. She gets to interact with her peers and I with mine. Even if I had a partner, I would not be a SAHM, it just doesn’t work for me, and I make no apologies for that. However, that doesn’t mean there aren’t days where I want to run back to the day care and have a girls day out.
First of all, yes, it is completely 100% apparent how very much you love your son. And secondly, I am right there with you. I would be a HORRIBLE SAHM. Seriously. I would kill them. But the way it works out, when I pick them up at the end of a day, I am SO excited to see them and adore them completely. But work is work. And I need that. I need to flex my brain muscle. So do it girl. Own it. You are awesome and I am SO glad things are coming your way. Love it!
Welcome to my world for the last almost-18 months. Well almost 15 that I’ve been back at work. I love being at work. I love that B is learning and growing and *thriving* at daycare. Yet everytime it comes up, I feel like I have to qualify it. Like “I love being at work, but… I wasn’t cut out to be a SAHM anyway” or “…he really loves his daycare provider”, etc. I really need to stop doing that to myself, because the truth is 2 things: a) I love B more than life itself, I would do ANYTHING to make sure he is happy and healthy and b) I very much enjoy my work and all that comes with it. And I’m happy! My family is happy! And that’s really all that matters at the end of the day.
I’m completely ill-equipped to handle B and work on those days I’m able to work from home. I’m just like you in the sense that I fail at multi-tasking if there’s a Project currently underway – whether that’s a work deadline, or a Melmo book to read.
We just do what we can, and learn as we go.
I’m so very very proud of you and LJ for your new biz. You rock!
I think its uber important to get to the place you are–where you realize what balance works for you–and that you can try and experiment with things to see what DOES work. Ive been balancing doing the pt work with Oman at home–and it worked great at the beginning–but now that hes mobile and so active? Oy. Its hard. Im definitely anxious about him starting preschool next week–but I know it will be great for both of us.
Im so, so glad things are working out on this path for you–exciting doesnt cover it! And I know firsthand how much you love that sweet W. He is one lucky little dude
You must be so, so thrilled to have something that’s all your own! Amazing – congratulations. Being excited about your own personhood doesn’t take anything away from W; it simply replenishes the well that waters him. Good on you! And good luck with the WAHM thing; I hear it can be tricky, but hopefully you’ll find the balance. And let me just hold out a wee bit of good news – when they eventually get to school (which I know is still a ways away for you), everybody gets time to be themselves. It’s awesome.
I am so very happy for you! Love the site, and a rockin’ business name!
As you know, I’ve been a WAHM for like, forever. The only difference is I don’t work for myself but rather a large company, so the WAHM designation is merely a statement of WHERE I do my business. Sometimes I think I’d have more me time if I worked physically outside my home… but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. The time D spent away from me in his early years (whether it was daycare or at Grandma’s) established his independence and I wouldn’t trade that away eiher. I do feel like I have somewhat of a balance I would never have had if I worked totally outside the home.
First, I want to say that the new ventures are fantastic!! And, I’ve spent time with you and it is OBVIOUS what an amazing mom you are!
My whole adult life I thought I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I just believed that was my lot in life. I loved my career, but I really felt that once the kids started coming I would prefer to stay home and raise them. That was until I did stay home with Smooch for 8 months. I just wasn’t cut out for it. I had no routine and I spent more time trying to find stuff to do outside of the house than at the house. I went crazy at home by myself all day so I made sure that every single day I had something I had to do. Now he has been in day care for almost 2 years. He has thrived in his current situation and I feel like I can manage things at home a lot better. Ideally, I would like a part time job outside of the home so that I could still have “me time” (since when did me time consist of being in an office?) while still getting to spend time with my son and do all the fun things we miss out on while I’m at work.
“I am a girl on a mission and I push forward with fierce intensity until the task is done. Then I shower, eat, and go to bed.”
Yes! This! ME TOO!