You must forgive my tangential mind as I walk you through this. The title of this post is, of course, a delicate nod towards the always lovely Emily Dickinson. And she is on my mind because as I was trying to figure out a way to explain the specific flavor of “oh shit!” that we are in I typed something out that began to sound like it could be sung to the tune of the Yellow Rose of Texas.
Which of course made me think of the groovy fact that every single Emily Dickinson poem can be sung to that tune. And then it made me think of:
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you — Nobody — Too?
Then there’s a pair of us!(etc…)
SO then of course it becomes the time to just come out and say what the damn thing is that began the tangent meander in the first place. Unemployment benefits are done. Totally done.
And here is where the Yellow Rose of Texas singalong comes into play: “because benefits did not end in may, they will end today”.
[they actually ended a week ago]
I’m sorry for the cryptic nature of yesterday’s post but I was in tears for 89% of the day and I wanted to write more, didn’t know what to say, didn’t want to put something out there as a problem for people to feel like they needed to solve, but also didn’t want to not acknowledge that HOLY FUCKING SHIT things are beyond scary for us right now.
And on top of all of this- there is this little conference happening in NYC in a week. It feels so weird to be thinking of and planning for such a trip. So out of body. But the ticket has been purchased, childcare arrangements have been made, I have a fun way of getting into the city, I have great friends to stay with, great friends to see, wonderful things to learn, new experiences to have…
But how do you walk around and be present in that kind of experience when this kind of heavy, heavy, heavy shit is going on?? How do I push through? And I think I need to. I think I must. There will be plenty of time for the freak out.
Really I am just crushed that we have traveled down this life path, that we NEVER expected to be on, and certainly never expected to be on for this long, and now suddenly there is no more road under our feet. There is no more path and no arrow pointing us a way to go.
So I’m going to try and press forward and keep the outside me in tact, but inside I am raw. Prayers and good thoughts are always welcome. But I will say that criticisms and jabs are not. I just don’t have the strength or energy to have that in my safe place. If you are just dying to tell me how I have done something I get it. I tell myself often that I suck. But right now I am trying to keep things from getting even worse.
If you can honestly look at my life and the situation that my family has found itself in and not abide with me in this moment of extreme darkness then I am going to politely ask you to find another blog to visit. Seriously.
(obviously this does not apply to 99.8% of you amazing, thoughtful, kind, generous, lovely, understanding friends and readers- but there are some assholes out there and for them I have nothing.)
We have had our share of a number of the main dishes of the greatest life stress menu this past year and we are just doing the best we can. It’s all anyone can do.
{ 62 comments… read them below or add one }
It just sucks that they would cut off benefits like this. Sending you lots of love, and hope that this comes to an end soon.
I’m local. I know several people you know. I don’t know what your mom does for a living, but if she can write I know a niche market that is swamped with short term gigs right now. It’s not a permanent solution, but if you are interested let me know.
Thinking of you. I can’t even imagine how stressful and awful this must be
*hug*
Abiding with you in this time of crapiness.
You now have the song in my head. I’m not hating you for it because it got Wooly Bully out of mine.
Sending you big squishy hugs!
Oh, hon. I wish I had some advice. I know how rough it is…we have been there, and it is scary. I am sending big hugs your way.
Now I have some old hymn that says Abide With Me stuck in my head. ;o)
Sending you squeezes, hoping this is just the dark before the morning. xo
Sending you good vibes.
I’m sorry that you’re in this situation. But seriously – you don’t suck. So stop the self-defeating thoughts. What exactly could you have done differently? The only thing I can see that you could have done was to pursue your career instead of caring for your grandmother. Point 1: there are no guarantees that you wouldn’t be in the same place. Point 2: You would have missed out on many things, including time with your family and possibly the creation of W. You don’t suck. Life sometimes does.
I’m praying for you and sending you my good thoughts. I hope you find the path soon. I know it’s there somewhere.
i’m so sorry you are in this place. something will give. it may feel like rock bottom, but it’s not. you have a roof over your head, family and friends who love you and the most beautiful boy in the world. summer is a lousy time for all this. september is around the corner. that’s all i can say. please know that you are not alone, you have all of us rooting you on. go to your conference and enjoy the hell out if it. there is nothing that says you can’t have fun. nothing. nothing that says that just because you have this awful situation that you can’t still grab on to the joys and hold on for dear life. sending you lots and lots of love xoxoxo
♥ ♥
You don’t suck, this situation sucks. I wish I had advice or help but all I can offer is my thoughts and prayers, and the hope that the cliche “it is darkest before the dawn” is a cliche because it is most often true and that your dawn is coming now and that it is fucking brilliant.
Go to Blogher, let the universe do some work for you while you go and have fun. Because seriously, the universe owes you big time.
I unfortunately know all too well the sort of hell this is. I never thought it could get this bad, and there is nothing so scary as knowing the next check–the tiny scraps that unemployment is–is not coming. Something in me keeps telling me this job market has to turn around eventually, that we’ll all catch a break, but in the thick of it, it hardly feels that way. I so hope something comes through for your family soon. You deserve some reprieve from the suckitude. I hope you’ll take the experience at Blogher next week as a little respite from it all. You do deserve some good in your life.
Sending many hugs (and wishing I could send you a bottle of wine). xoxo
I’m a long time reader, who sometimes delurks for a quick comment. Anyway, I am SO sorry for all that you and your mom have been going through. I can only pray that things turn around for you, and fast. Like another poster wrote, you don’t suck–life does sometimes. It may be hard, but I hope you have an amazing time at Blogher.
Sending you a big hug and I sincerely wish there was something I could do to help make this better. You know you’re doing the best you can and that’s all that matters.
Sending you warm, positive thoughts and many prayers. Give yourself a break! Try to enjoy your trip.
Thinking of you all lots and sending many warm thoughts your way along with some hopes that something will come along.
I’m thinking of you. A lot. Wishing I could do something…sending love and hope.
*send hugs and prayers*
Lets just live in schlubfest land all the time. Yes?
Loads and loads of thoughts for you all. GIANT hugs, and prayers that the outside world starts getting its act together.
Whuck? I thought of you when the unemployment extension got passed in Congress and hoped it would help. Guess it’s not going to. Sorry for my naivete. Thanks for posting, I’m sure many of us have been as worried as I have. We will continue to pray and hope for you.
Hang in there. Thinking of you and sending lots of love.
Have been sitting with you, waiting since yesterday, knowing that you would share when you could. Still sitting, sending prayer and love….wishing I could send relief and everything that you need. You do not suck….you are a daughter, grandaughter, and mother. You are holding your family together the best way that you are currently able to, and you always have. I am a longtime reader….and your choices have always reflected putting your family first.
I hope that Blogher is all that you hope it will be! Enjoy every second!
I am so sorry that things are so difficult right now. You don’t suck. The job market sucks. The economy sucks. A lot of things suck, but not you. I hope that the universe opens up a new opportunity very very soon. Many hugs.
(((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
I wish there was something I could do to help. I’m sorry you are having such a hard time.
I’m sorry. I worry about you and your family so much and keep hoping things will change for the better. Have fun at the conference – you need it. You don’t suck and you haven’t done anything wrong, so don’t beat up on yourself.
It’s not you that sucks, is this dang economy. Taking a break from all of this will be a good thing for you and maybe some light will just happen to shine through and things will start falling into place when you get back. Hugs and love, my dear friend.
Hey, have you checked craigslist – because I become more convinced that anything can be found there!
Today’s listings included the following:
(as with all things craigslist, it could be a scam, but who knows?)
Oh, no. I am sorry. This really sucks. This is not your fault. It’s just bad luck, in the truest sense of the word.
Think of Blogher as a chance to get away from the stress. And as a chance to network your awesome header/bloggy skills.
Abiding with you, babe. xo
Love you Hun. And you are awesome — never doubt that for a moment.
Hoping, really hoping, that this is the last bit of bad news and that things turn around very soon.
It WILL get better. You and your mom are smart, talented people and eventually smart, talented people win out. I am sorry that you have to trudge through this phase before you get to the eventual end. It does suck. But as everyone else has noted, you definitely don’t.
I was so hoping yesterday when I read your post that this wasn’t what was going on, but I had a feeling it was. I am really thinking of your family.
I totally understand your feelings since I am in the midst of life crisis right now as well. People will sometimes ask me how I get through with the massive pile of shit on my plate and you just have to. You do because what other choice do you have. Especially when you have someone under your wing that sees joy in everything. I wish I was with you right now to give you a big ol’ hug.
I love you. I wish that was enough to right your world that’s been turned on end for far too long. Always abiding, even when I’m quiet. (((hugs)))
Thinking of you, your mom and W.
Been thinking of you lots. You DO NOT suck. These are hard, hard times. Your family is not alone in this. The safety net is full of holes. Abiding, hon.
Enjoy the hell out of Blogher! You deserve a bit of a break from all the suck.
You and your family are in my thoughts and I’m hoping really hard that things start going your way very very soon. I wish there was something else I could do besides just think good thoughts.
and you do not suck!
Praying for you and hoping that things get better. I also hope that you have lots if fun in NYC!
I have nothing except to say that I am worried about you and for you and I send you many prayers.
I will personally come out there and kick anyone’s ass who tries to give you and your amazing family anything but the love and support you deserve in your time of need. Oh if I could only solve this for you… I am so, so sorry for you AND mother. But go to the conference. You’re right; the worry will wait for you. Please go and try and have a decent time. We are ALL pulling for you. Hang in there!
You know that we’re in the same boat as you are….except we haven’t had unemployment benefits and hubster’s been unemployed for 4 years…..oh, and we have 4 kids instead of 1. But, “The Yellow Rose of Texas” is a love song and for us Texans, it’s just not right to put sad words to it . You’ve been on my prayer list for some time, and will continue to be on it until the world opens up again for you. It really hit me the other day how much our lack of income is affecting our kids when our 15 year-old said that since there’s a children’s home (orphanage/foster care facility) near our neck o’the woods and all of those kids get free lunches – it wouldn’t embarrass her if we filled out the paperwork for her to get free lunches, too. eMail me privately if you want the info on the children’s home because they have a whole section of the home specifically for single mothers and their kids – and if you get in, you get paid to either work there or funding to go back to school, free daycare, housing, etc. And get your hiney to New York and enjoy what you can – you never know if you’ll get the opportunity to do it again soon.
Sending hugs and strength xx
I’m so sorry that things continue to get even more difficult and horrible for you guys. I hope you guys get good news soon. I’m thinking of you all.
I can’t believe that your country would do that. This is when I say “come live in Australia”. I’m so sorry. What you and your mom are dealing with now is so unfair. Please know that you both are in my thoughts constantly. You are what we call here “Battlers”; you both work hard had surviving and making your lives better. It really stinks that when a woman so much wants to work and has worked her butt off trying to find a job, and is left out in the cold. Even more so when there is a woman who just wants to raise her long awaited for child, to be with him when he needs her, and she gets cut off. I so hope you strong wonderful women can find a solution for your family. You really don’t deserve this cruel situation.
I so hear you. My road may be rocky right now but I still have road. I can’t imagine what you are going through, and if there was some way I could help, please know I would in a second. I am thinking of you and sending prayers your way.
Love and big hugs. We’re here if/when you need us. Just say the word. We’ll do anything we can.
sending you love, too. xoxo
Aw, Cali, I’m so sorry. Shit, man.
I’m so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to help, I really do. Life just isn’t fair, and I hate that.
That is wrong, and plan on me pressing for details and looking for loopholes next week. On a bright note, you are staying in the home of two women who don’t drink, but I have lots of wine. You’ll do us a favor by drinking it. Which won’t solve this issue, but still. All I can say WITH CONVICTION is that this will all be a memory. I promise you that. And I will give you examples that back this up when I see you.
Oh, man. I’m sorry.
Awful as this is, though, in a way I’m relieved, because I was scared you were finally going to come back and tell us that Mother was very ill or there was something wrong with the W.
I hope you’re still able to enjoy yourself next week; you deserve a vacation!
Okay, so you have a million people who read you, and who know that you are an amazing photographer. You need something flexible until you can get everything figured out, and you need cash. Why not hang out your shingle as a children’s photographer? I’d hire you. In fact, I would love to have some black and white candids taken, and know that you would do a great job. You could just provide the disk, rather than hard copies, and your clients could print them wherever they wanted. I have a high school classmate that did it in the DC area, and she’s doing fine.
“Really I am just crushed that we have traveled down this life path, that we NEVER expected to be on, and certainly never expected to be on for this long, and now suddenly there is no more road under our feet. There is no more path and no arrow pointing us a way to go.”
I could have written this in 2008, the year the world economy flushed down the toilet and so did my dreams of having a baby, since we can’t afford any more treatments. But you look around in life and you find what you are grateful to have – love, your health, your family. I know you will find a way. You are super talented as an artist. Who knows, maybe you will find some opportunity at BlogHer? As I tell my husband who was deeply affected by the world downturn in the economy, there was no way you could have predicted this would happen. So you just use your talents, work hard, and keep plugging along and keep loving each other. Hugs.
I come to your blog each morning just hoping for a job announcement. You have always put your family first and that makes you a kick ass person. I wish your family nothing but the best. You have tons of cyber support coming from California.
So sorry things are so difficult. Sending love.
Sigh. Sob. Thinking of you.
Thinking of you and your family every.single.day.
I love you and I want to be your vacation from real life. I know it will be hard to do, but we are going to mothereffing VACATION the crap out of next weekend.
Sending you love and hoping that something wonderful will come your way. I woke up and thought of one possible job option for your mom that she may have already considered. Westlaw and LexisNexis may need a new instructor to teach incoming 1Ls how to do research…
I am so sorry, Cali.