It’s another one of those posts that are incredibly hard for me to write, but the alternative, the one where I keep it bottled up inside of me, is not really working out so well. Yesterday, on the way back from my MRI evaluation with my neurologist (which I will write about later this weekend- everything is fine, there is a plan in place) Mother told me while I was in with the doctor that she had gotten an e-mail from the place where she had interviewed three times. And they hired someone else. And as much as we KNEW it was not a good job fit in terms of what Mom is capable of and what the job was (essentially a person that manned the file room of a law firm) it was still a JOB. And both of us are willing to make ourselves fit into any position. So not getting the job, yes even a bad fit job, is hard. Devastating.
So the car ride home was stressful with both of us quietly freaking out. Mom’s health benefits ended at midnight on July 1st and within two weeks she will be at the end of her prescriptions. And without insurance some of her prescriptions are about $400. So Mom is talking about how things are going to be when she is not on the meds and I’m thinking- how the fuck is she going to be able to be able to apply for a job if she isn’t healthy? How is she going to be able to sit through an interview?
My anxiety goes into hyper drive and I start feeling like I am such a horrible, horrible Mom to W. I mean I know he is oblivious to all of this chaos. I know that he feels love. But holy fuck! This is not the life I imagined for us.
I tried to be a Mother for five years and in all of that time never did I think that when it finally happened that I would be penniless and on state insurance and unable to find a job that would even allow me to afford daycare for him. Never did I think that I would be on food stamps. Never did I think that I would have to ask for so much help, need so much help, depend on so much help. It is embarrassing. It feels weird. It feels wrong. It feels like I have failed.
When I imagined this part of my life I thought it would be empowering and amazing. A life goal achieved. Mission accomplished! Now I just fear that at some point W will ask me why I chose to have him. I just weep to think of that. To think that anyone would think that I would chose this life of poverty for him.
It fucking sucks. And I hate bringing it all out into the open like this and I do not expect there to be a magic solution. We are just one family and if you turn on the news or read the news you will see that we are not alone.
It just feels that way in the middle of the night when I am all alone with my thoughts and sadness.
Oh man. I am having a hard day. I am tempered glass.
{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }
Is there a clinic your mother can go to that offers prescription assistance on a sliding scale? My sister has worked the same FT job the past 10 years but has been denied health insurance due to preexisting psych illness. She has seen a psych and counselor through the county and gets her very expensive meds through them on a sliding scale. Thank goodness for the county mental health levy- otherwise my sister, instead of being a productive, working, home-owning member of society for 10 years, would be in and out of hospitals. Her med costs equal her income as a dog groomer’s assistant.
For what it’s worth, I have absolute faith that the childhood W will remember is not the life you guys are living right now — I believe that things will get better for your family, and soon. What’s most important in the first couple years of life is that a little one be surrounded by love, and my goodness, W has that in spades.
Oh, Cali, this is a temporary situation for you. W won’t remember this. You and your mother are both incredibly hard working and smart and soon your luck will change.
Callie i tip toe through the idea of being a single mom.I joined the National group and promised myself i would explore that option to it’s fullest even though i have always imagined myself partnered when my kids came on the scene.
The one factor or fear that made me apprehensive about going ahead is the possibility of ending up where you are now.And I’ve had the exact same thoughts of waiting so long,wanting so bad and the tears if I couldn’t provide for my child both financially or socially.
So i prayed to the God i believe for help and direction and three days after my RE consult the door was slammed shut.It was obvious the answer was NO. At least not as a single mom so i put TTC on hold and i continue to have faith that it will happen when it’s suppose to in circumstances that won’t spoil the joy of finally getting there.
I don’t have a solution to what you’re going through now and I’m not going to dismiss your angst as nonsense or an overreaction. It’s real and only a wannabe parent or parent understands that constant fear of letting the child you chose and worked so hard to bring into this world down.
Callie i honestly pray that things turn around for you,W and your mom.
I wonder if your mom’s chronic condition, plus her financial situation would qualify her for some sort of assistance. I am so sorry you are feeling so badly about yourself. It seems the one thing you consistently do is put W’s needs first, and is what his little baby mind is learning, he doesn’t know from money.
((((HUGS))))
Also, check with the manufacturer of your mom’s prescription – I keep seeing the ads on TV about pharmaceutical companies who will help if you can’t afford your prescriptions.
I’m so sorry that you are under this sort of stress, and that life is not working like you had envisioned. It’s not fair and it sucks. W has no pre-existing notions of how life should be, and only cares that he has Mom and Grandma to love him.
I wish I had something to suggest on the job front…
Also have your mom check with the Salvation Army. My aunt gets some of her meds free direct from Big Pharmco (the experimental ones) and the rest come from the Salvation Army. When my FIL & GMIL passed away, my MIL donated all of their unfinished meds to the Salvation Army. They send my aunt her meds on a monthly basis for free.
A number of hospitals have “free care” or “uncompensated care” programs that cover any number of things from regular visits at their primary care clinics through prescription coverage at the hospital’s in house pharmacy. Their income guidelines are usually the same or slightly higher than the state Medicaid ones, however they don’t usually have the same restrictions like that you have to have dependents to qualify. Some states also have medication assistance programs that have different guidelines than Medicaid (whereas Mother can’t get state health care because she is an adult with no dependents, a medication assistance program will probably allow her to have their coverage). Doesn’t Montel Williams work with drug companies to offer free or reduced cost prescriptions? No kidding, I’m pretty sure there is some program he’s the spokesperson for. There are some resources out there, it’s just going to take some digging…. sigh. Thinking of you.
Love you, brave woman.
love this comment- true ,clear and not a fix it one !
I’m working and almost at the edge of sanity. Given what you’re going through, my hats off to you for doing so well keeping it together. Life throws us curve balls we never saw coming. I certainly didn’t envision myself living in a friends basement with my one year old, but here I am I and though it’s only temporary, I’m demoralized. I have no sage advice but to tell you hang in there. You are stronger than you even know. I’m thinking about you.
Oh Cali, I wish you lived here and this wasn’t an issue. I wish this stupid economic melt down brought on by greedy bankers hadn’t happened in the US. I wish things just weren’t like this.
For what it’s worth, when I was a lot older than W. my mother and I lived waaay below the poverty line for about 3 years, when my dad left her. She lost the house, her car, all of her RRSP (like your 401k). I’m fine. I don’t have nightmares about it.
W. is a happy, healthy little boy, with a mum and a grandma who adore him. He doesn’t know any different. I keep praying, hoping this too shall pass.
Thinking of you.
If you want local resources I know some techniques that could help to ease your financial burden. I spent three years in the DC area on a micro budget, and even now I am able to leverage the skills I’ve learned. You have my e-mail, so feel free to contact me.
There are jobs in this area, and networking is key. Keep handing out the resumes like flyers.
Consider all your resources and opportunities. A little unconventional creative thinking never hurts when a person has nothing to lose…..and financially you have nothing to lose. I have a sort of system that involves doing a few challenging things each day in pursuit of a bigger set of goals that together will define a better way of life for me in the future. It’s slow, but it’s a little step each day. On tough days I just do the next thing on the list.
It is nuts that even after the health care bill passed, people would be having to make these kinds of choices about doing without medication.
And it’s another story entirely that people who are so clearly smart and talented would be unable to find a job.
You all deserve so much better. Hopefully you’ll get it, very soon.
I feel that we are living similar lives right now. Hugs, love, and luck to us both.
Just so sorry and sending you so much love. What a devastating blow…we were so, so hoping for your mom. I know things will turn around for you at some point, but the waiting in the mean time, and the struggle, are terrible.
I don’t have anything more useful to add than the previous posters, but I wanted to send my love. ♥
It makes my heart hurt to read this. As a mother I feel so much pain for you. I know the bottom could drop out on us at any moment. I wish I had a job to offer you.
I don’t have anything useful to add either, I just wanted to say I’m so sorry – I’m heartbroken for all of you that you’re in such a difficult place right now.
calliope ~ please believe us all when we say W wont remember this. when i was a middle-schooler, my parents were newly divorced, and due to layoffs and such, my father was unemployed. he made a choice to go back into school, but it meant we were on public assistance for that time. i do not think i am an oblivious child/person…but i had NO IDEA we received public assistance. or food stamps, or that not everyone came home with those bigass blocks of cheese. it was simply MY LIFE. yes, i knew money was tight. and i knew i could not have frivolous things. but you know what i remember most? i remember the fun times with my dad and granny. i remember still being able to have friday night *dates* with my dad, even if it was a shared hot-dog and soda at a local dive. i remember being loved and cared for.
that is the only thing W is going to remember. he was loved by his momma and his lolly. the other adult-shit is the stuff you and lolly will carry with you…but i honestly cannot imagine W every asking why you had him. he is a happy boy and knows he is loved. and that wont ever ever change.
please hug your momma for me…
xoxo
The fact that W is so happy is a testament to what a wonderful mother you are and that despite the problems that you are going through right now, his needs are being met in spades. If anything, I suspect he will ask later on, how on earth did you manage to give me such a wonderful, loving childhood dealing with all of this stuff? Hang in there. The last thing you need on top of everything else is to give yourself guilt over something that is not worthy of it at all.
As for your mom’s prescriptions, have you tried contacting the drug maker? I know some of them do have programs that give their drugs at a discount. This will work out, I know it!
Having witnessed it first hand, what W sees in the world is love and happiness. The boy exudes joy and passion for life. He doesn’t see the struggle, the fight that you and your mom fight daily. He knows he is loved, and that you keep him safe. That’s not changing. There are many of us out here who will be here hold your hands as you continue to make sure it doesn’t.
I wish I had some words of wisdom to share, but I don’t. Just some (((hugs))) & wishes for better days soon.
First of all, I echo what others say. If all W knows is love, then the details of what you and your mother are going through won’t matter. He’ll never remember them and will likely be surprised to hear one day how difficult things were.
Second of all, you’ve never said for sure what your mom does. Is she actually a lawyer, or a law firm professional? Either way, I ask because I read on the ABA website that some firms are hiring lawyers for non-practicing jobs in firms (i.e. diversity director, HR, recruitement) and my firm is looking for a Director of Human Resources, at least according to our intranet. Is this something she is qualified for, even remotely?
I’m another who can assure you that W. won’t remember this. I grew up so very poor, but I didn’t know it, and all I really remember is how much my mom was there for me, how loved I was, how much fun I had with my imagination. W. is so lucky to have you and your mom.
That said, we’re in a very similar situation right now, and I know how hard it is to be going through such financial turmoil when you’ve just finally gotten your heart’s desire. My thoughts are with you, and I’m sending the warmest of hugs. This is just so, so hard. xoxo
We grew up poor. My parents divorced, my mother was a foreigner, without the equivalent of an American university degree. She was about 30 with three kids, moving to a new country… can you imagine?
But I only know we were poor because, once we were grown, my mom told us that we were.
W will know and remember the love, but he won’t care about the money situation. Don’t worry about that.
Your life will fall into place. It will, really.
But I understand the stress and despair.
Dang honey, I’m so freaking sorry. I’m sorry that you and your mom are going through all of this and the stress and fear that you’re living with. I have no advice but sending you all many wishes for good things. Hugs to you.
Oh honey…I am so damned sorry. I am praying so hard that you and your mom find something soon. Sending all the love and prayers I can your way.
I’m so sorry, Cali. The job situation is awful, especially given how smart and hard-working both you and your mom are. Sending prayers and blessings to all of you.
I am so sorry. I am a public benefits lawyer in DC and if you lived here I’d love to meet with your family and discuss what you’re eligible for. If you email me with the county you live in I might be able to suggest free medical/legal clinic you could go to for advice about what your state offers.
also, I know this isn’t what you or your mother want, but I understand that starbucks gives their employees health insurance if they work 20 hours a week. Is there any chance one of you could apply for that?
Oh man do I know the tempered glass feeling. xoxo
You know my story. And I was NEVER sad that Mom wanted to have and keep me. I was very very happy and thanked her for it a few times.
This truly sucks. I just can’t understand how people can feel that this is right and object to a health system that works for everyone. There will surely be help available somewhere? Would it be an option for you to job search for something and maybe take a job for a short time with your mum looking after W and then swap roles back when she gets a job commensurate with her skills? Not what you might want but perhaps a temp solution?
Oh, hon. This sucks. Agreeing with everyone else, W is a happy, loved child. That’s what he knows.
Do you need a place to stay during BlogHer? xoxo
With all of your other “online support,” I wanted to send you a hug. I can’t even imagine how rough this is on all of you. My heart goes out to you. And if W ever asks why you had him? You just point him my direction. Hell you point him in the direction of the 33 people who (at this point) have commented on this post and each and every one of us will tell him how much he is loved and how hard you had to fight to bring him here and how VERY lucky he is to have the amazing family that he has. Not that he will ask…you know, unless he is being a punk teenager anyway, at which point you just send him to boarding school.
(That was a joke in case it didn’t come across that way in print.) Love you. Hang in there!
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am praying that things will change for the better for you soon. However, I don’t think W will ever have any recollection of your financial situation during his early childhood. All he needs right now is your love and care, and he’s getting plenty of that. I am absolutely certain that he’s going to be fine…
Just sending my hugs and support, too. And to ditto what everyone has said about W being just fine. So many comments from gals in the almost-same boat. A very sad commentary on our times. Things HAVE to get better, for all of us! Glad you have this blog as an outlet.
This post makes me feel like a big giant whiny baby. Screw job stress. At least I have a job. BTW, I think W will grow up to adore you. You are an amazing woman.
I’m so sorry you guys are going through all of this. (((Hugs)))
If it makes you feel any better, some of my greatest childhood adventures came out of being poor. None of the other kids got a stranger delivering Christmas presents or a gallon tub of peanut butter, and their parents wouldn’t let them dig in the trash for discarded toys and clothes either! As far as I was concerned, I had it pretty awesome.
The ex-wife of a person I work with has MS, and is on a lot of expensive drugs too, so I asked him how she manages it. (I didn’t see him until today, hence the late comment.) He said that she was able to get many of them at reduced cost by contacting the pharmaceutical companies’ patient assistance programs. Your mom might also be able to join your state’s high risk insurance pool.
much love to you, dear Cali.
Your mom needs that medication to function. Cutting off her meds would be like cutting off her oxygen; it can be done but the results are awful. You guys need to get on the phone and call your state office on mental health/human services or whatever they call it and ask for help. Ask everybody you can think of: the pharmaceutical company, agencies like Goodwill and the Red Cross and by all means, call your state and local elected officials. That’s what they’re there for,
I don’t want to scare you but stopping those kinds of meds cold turkey is not a good idea, Stopping them at all is not a good idea, It’s not something where your mom can say, “Well, I’ll try not taking them for awhile and see how I feel. Maybe it’ll be okay.”
Nope. She needs them now that she’s not working and the stress is through the roof. Good luck. You guys really didn’t need this.
No way will your boy ever question why you had him. Hell, he probably won’t even notice your skintness. I know for a fact my folks went through some seriously lean times when I was a kid, but all I recall is happy days and love. Oh, and beetroot sandwiches.
thinking of you all the time.
Hi,
My mother is in a similar situtation…although she is employeed her benefits are crap. She has zero script coverage.
So we’ve been creative….I now get a script for her. I kind of made up needing it and my general doctor went along with it (zoloft). yes, it’s wrong but we do what we do for family! Now if I can only get her high blood pressure medication……
Dude, Ive sucked at blog reading the past 2 weeks, so please forgive me. Ill give you lots of chocolate cake next week, ok? Sorry my hugs are belated, but they are here none the less.