I really can’t explain the lack of revealing blog posts over here lately. I feel a bit like a performer that is doing a tap dance in order to distract you from the chaos backstage. Not that there is any awful sort of chaos, it’s just the same sort of chaos that we have been enduring for months. And after a recent blog post where I sort of put it all out there I am feeling a bit shy about sharing more.
I mean if I talk about the huge and scary paperwork error within social services that happened this weekend (one that nearly erased all of our benefits) then I open myself up to the possibility of comments about why W and I are even connected with social services in the first place. I guess I am just feeling a bit raw about being judged by some (& mocked and tormented by others). But when I blog I have to remind myself that while the goal is to chronicle my story there are some aspects to it that some will not understand. And I need to be ok with that, but it doesn’t come easily.
The bottom line is that I am just doing the best I can and in moments and situations where I need help I have learned to ask for it. And asking for help has never been my strong suit. But here I am…
The paperwork error was devastating as it was just another moment where I was on the phone in tears and another Monday where W and I drove out to the main offices without an appointment. There were no chairs for us to sit on so we claimed a bit of the floor and I tried to entertain W until our number was called. When we finally were called back, along with a batch of other “drop by” people W and I were led to an empty cubicle and told to wait.
The office was short staffed so social workers from other counties were filling in. A woman walked in, smiled at us, and entered my name into the computer- also referred to as “The System”. According to the system I was receiving weekly unemployment checks. I explained that I wasn’t. I got a small look of, “I’m not sure I believe you” but she said that she would know for sure by entering my social security number. And wouldn’t you know it- it revealed that I was not getting weekly checks. To which the woman said, “this is beyond me! Can you wait here while I deal with these other people and then I will get someone from upstairs to walk us through this mess.”
I was beyond thrilled to have someone interested in helping us. I can’t tell you how many times I have been dismissed or waved away. I routinely get letters that say things like, “all your coverage is ending now” because you never did ____ or _____, when I absolutely HAVE done _____ or ______. And when I call to figure out what is going on I am often told, “Oh just ignore that letter” or “oh a couple people got those letters by mistake” or “don’t worry about it”.
So truthfully it is hard to know what is up and what is down and where we stand. This was the first time something very tangibly bad in our coverage had happened and it just brought up all of my thousand and one feelings of lack of self worth. All of the unhelpful comments that were e-mailed to me anonymously pop into my brain and I sag my shoulders wondering why I am even fighting for this stuff. And then I remember- because we need food, and health insurance. And while I look for graveyard shift work that won’t have me putting 100 miles + on the car every day, we need all the help we can get.
In the cubicle I entertain W by playing our version of Grover’s Near and Far. We are laughing, I feel hopeful that everything will work out. I am not paying attention to anything going on in the next cubicle until I hear, “SIR! Are you breathing???” I hear gasps and remember the older man with the cane and Mets cap. The aid worker leaps up and yells, “I’m going to call 911!” (There are no phones in the cubicles where interviews happen and cell phone coverage is pretty nonexistent.)
There is maybe two seconds of total quiet in the intake area before I scoop W up and invite myself into the cubicle next door. I figured he should not be alone. The man tries to talk to me, to coo at W and I try to get him to be quiet, but he wants to talk. And he tells me how he has been trying to get disability since 2007 and that he keeps being turned down. He tells me how he only had one more fight left in him and that when he woke up that morning not feeling well he figured he should come wait in the lobby of the social services office so that maybe, just maybe, someone would help him.
I can not even tell you how my heart broke to hear his story. Feel his desperation. There were probably all kinds of programs that could help this man but he just didn’t know who to call for help- so he turned to the one place that he knew the address of.
The paramedics were there in a flash and in an instant two men pulled W from my arms scaring the holy fuck out of both of us. It took just a moment to convey that the baby was fine, it was the older man next to me that needed their attention. But oh man THAT will wake you up.
By this point the man had started gasping and wheezing again so together the aid worker and I relayed information. She was able to give his name, age, address, next of kin. I was able to pass on the little info about his health that he had shared with me. And then I clung W to my chest and we stepped out into the hallway.
Another aid worker gestured for me to come into her cubicle and she pulled up my file on her computer. We were able to see the error that had caused the problem. She could not explain HOW it had happened, but she promised she would have someone from upstairs take care of it immediately. But then she quietly said that if no one called me in a few days to call into the office and keep calling. Then she walked W and I to the exit sign and as I loaded him into his stroller I could hear the older man telling the paramedics that he did not want to go the hospital, that he just wanted someone to help him so he could get better and go back to work.
So, there you go, another painful post to write. And another opportunity for some to berate my choices. I am not looking for sympathy though. I promise you. I just keep sharing this stuff because until I found myself here I never knew this kind of low existed. Three years ago I never would have thought that I would be the woman with food stamps in the line ahead of you. The woman that is making it by by the skin of her teeth and with the help of some amazing friends. I just have to have faith that eventually I will be in a position to help out others as much as people have helped me and my family.
Less than 24 hours after the morning at social services the error was corrected and our benefits were restored. And so we limp on with our heads held high until the next clusterfuck storms through.
W remains blissfully amazing and wonderful (except for some sleep/nap boycotting) and I fill up our days with love and play-dates.
W shows off his knowledge of phrenology on his BFF, V
{ 55 comments… read them below or add one }
OMG, they took W from your arms? That shocked me. I can only imagine what that must’ve been like.
I’m so sorry for all you’re going through and I hope they get all their thousands of effing errors fixed because this is insane.
Love the pic.
If you’re feeling down about yourself, please remember that you were the only one who went in to sit with that man. Kindness and compassion are most wonderful character traits and not that many people possess them.
Glad all was resolved…write it down for the history books.
I wish I could send you hugs over the internet.
Thank you for sharing these kinds of stories, even though it’s hard for you. It seems important to me that those of us who — through sheer luck — have not had to endure such hardships are educated about how effed up the system is, and that those who are in the position of needing to accept what meager help is offered would a million times rather be in the position to help themselves.
I wish there was something I could do to help.
Oh, YUCK! I’ve ranted up your comments about DSS in general before, and that poor, poor man–here there is a separate Social Security/Disability office and we go there quite a bit too (my youngest is officially disabled due to his feeding tube and my husband is disabled as well due to his having had diabetes–past tense, thanks to a kidney/pancreas transplant–and the transplants themselves). When I got married we had to go there and the worker flat-out SAID “I have never seen a case of a child on SSI acquiring a step-parent on SSD and I’m going to need a minute to look up how to file this.” They also freely admit to you that “the central office” doesn’t know a thing about anybody, and routinely tell me to ignore terrifying letters that state that my son’s benefits will cease in 30 days unless I do ____, then I do ____, then I get another letter the next day saying that my failure to do ____ will result in _____ and back I go only to be told to “just ignore that letter.” Which is easy to say from behind a desk when your whole existence doesn’t kind of hinge on getting that shit STRAIGHT.
Pardon my French.
Navigating “the system” is like a full time job! I am sorry that are being judged. I am firm believer in the fact that we never know where our lives will take us. But for the grace of god any of us could be in your position. I think that is something more people need to realize.
I’m sorry you get hurtful and hateful comments and emails. I’m sorry there are jerks out there and that they take the time out of their jackassedness to contact you. I think you are brave and you have taught me so much. I think you should consider writing a book about your experiences as a single mom trying to access social services and state benefits. When I read your posts, I am just reminded again and again how hard it must be for women who DON’T have your level of education/access/background/etc. to navigate this system. I mean these services exist for a REASON and if it is this hard for you, how many people are out there that are just forced to give up or whittled away into apathy? I think you have a lot to teach.
I am so sorry to hear you are receiving those sorts of comments. I guess it is inevitable when you are a popular blogger, but they are total asshats and shouldn’t be allowed on the internet. Those of us who have been here, reading your story for a long time know that you are doing the best you can. You had the rug pulled out from under you. It could happen to any one of us, as it has happened to many, many people in this economy.
I don’t pray, but I do think of you often and wish you the best of luck. I am so sad that Mother hasn’t been able to find work yet. I was sure she would have something by now, but I suppose it doesn’t always happen like that.
you have a strong and lovely woman! dont EVER let anyone get you down!
hugs to you
you ARE a strong and lovely woman! dont EVER let anyone get you down!
hugs to you
my bad i cant type
What Karen said
Dont listen to the trolls
Down with the trolls! I know for a FACT that you are amazing, wonderful, and just fantastic. So sorry you had to deal with “the system” and that it has not been easy to get things in line.
I want to know who the pansy ass anonymous emailers are and kick their asses!!!!! If you have something horrible to say at least be brave enough to say who you are! OK – enough of that. I agree with what everyone up there said and just to reiterate – you are an amazing, strong, beautiful, incredible woman. And right now you are making the tastiest shit pies out of the shit you have had dumped on your table that you possibly can. I love you, I think of you all the time, I miss you, and I fully support you. SMOOCHES!!!
Ugh! So sorry you are still having to go thru this crap with SS. The system sucks and is truly broken! Keep the faith and keep fighting, everything will work itself out eventually.
I don’t understand the people who actually take time out of their day to shit on others. Why not just keep it to themselves! I’m sorry that it’s been rough. I desperately wish I was closer. We’d have playdates every week.
You’re doing GREAT. How you find the willpower to even wake up every day is beyond me, Cali. Seriously.
I am glad (and furious) to be educated about the piss-poor state of social services in our country. Having your services discontinued and constantly threatened by letters that you can just “ignore” — unacceptable in every way, and I don’t know how you keep yourself from just going postal in that office. I would be doing a lot more than crying. Shit would hit the fan. And then I’d be committed as certifiable, so I think you’re taking the right path in being patient and persistent. Though I don’t know how you do it.
Heartbroken to hear that some selfish people are sending you horrible judgmental comments. It must be nice for them to have perfect lives.
I think you’re amazing. There are so many who would not have the intestinal fortitude to keep on keeping on in your situation and you do. Every day. I know you have down days but that’s normal for everyone AND you’re on top of that, too.
I’m sad that you’re conflicted about sharing your feelings on your blog; that really bothers me. Those judging people need to hit the iternet road and start reading blogs where everything is roses and rainbows.
Wishing you peace and better fortune in the future. It is always easy for people to judge from the outside, but a person really cannot understand a situation until they experience it firsthand.
My DH has been fighting for SSI for years….we lost our case. It’s very frustrating, and so sad. I hope that you continue to pull through and that your find a way to find strength. Today seems to be a day for sad stories. It seems there was a gentleman at work who had cancer. Last week he lost that fight. He had no family except for an estranged brother with no contact. He died alone in the hospital, no one to be there or take care of arrangements so the hospital cremated him and disposed of the remains….What a terrifying thought to die like that. The story of the older man you helped made me think of it again…..Sometimes stepping outside the front door is just…painful…
I think you and your mother are absolutely amazing people. The fact that you keep going, keep fighting, and keep your dignity all at the same time is an ability I envy. All that you are enduring now will benefit you later; I only wish I knew how that would work out.
Hold you head up and be proud of yourself. You are amazing. I have no doubt you will repay the kindnesses given to you a thousand-fold.
xoxoxo and extra squishy hugs to Captain W. Adorable
You are, hands down, one of the Top 10 Most Lovely & Amazing People I know! I am a not so secret admirer, and I am, as always, sending you Love. (@Man-annie Oakley: when you go forth to kick ass, I’m riding with with you!)
I am de-lurking to let you know what a strong and courageous woman you are. Thank you for sharing your story. I have followed you for about 2 years because I enjoy your spirit and your style and your writing. I wish your saga did not have so many down turns, and especially so many chapters with insurance and social service offices, but I really appreciate you sharing them. I am looking forward to the posts about Mother’s new job and the new and hopeful path you are sure to be on soon. Soon.
Very best wishes. Please keep sharing both the good and the bad. Otherwise, how can I root for you?
I wish I could mail you some of Sweden’s social services. I’ll just be grateful I have them, and think of you.
It’s really shocking to me that anyone could criticize someone who is going through a hard time. What happened to compassion? And hasn’t almost everyone found themselves going through hard times at one time or another? If they haven’t gone through any hard times, it is only due to luck, and let’s hope their luck continues because who will be there for them when they need someone?
I seriously can’t believe people have been emailing you negative things. Shame on them.
Hugs to you. I for one, have been there and can understand a bit what you’re going through. It’s no fun, and I hope you feel a little bit better to see that there are people out here who support you and your family 100%.
People living in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. What’s happened to you & your family could very easily happen to any of us, much as we all like to think it couldn’t & wouldn’t. (Stillbirth is a great teacher in that regard.) I agree with the others — keep writing — people need to hear about this stuff. (((hugs))) to you, Mother & W.
THIS: If you’re feeling down about yourself, please remember that you were the only one who went in to sit with that man. Kindness and compassion are most wonderful character traits and not that many people possess them.
People in your situation are the very reason safety nets were created. Hold you head high – I work for a Fortune 500 company, but if I lost my job tomorrow, by next week I’d be right where you are. Anyone who looks down at you would do well to remember that but for the grace of God they could be the ones in need.
I only know you from the internet, but read/check in daily and think of you often.
I won’t fill your comments up with my stories, but I know how hard it is being at the beck and call of the governments idea of social services. It’s hard, it’s demeaning, and it’s a slap in the face every time. I only wish I could make it better for you both. Good luck, Calli! I’ve got my prayers set for you.
I have no judgements at all. Just so so sorry you are having to go through this. I have nothing but love for all of you. And I for one, appreciate your honest posts. You are amazingly strong and a magnificent mother. Remember that.
Oh Calli, my heart just breaks for you. We had a period (after my husband’s injury) that we were making so little that I signed up for WIC. It was so demoralizing. I wish I could be with you whenever you have to go to one of those obnoxious appointments.
What an awful experience. It confirms my belief that we live in a superficial society where all that matters is money and those who lack it are looked down upon and considered less than human. My heart goes out to you. People need to wake up and realize that anyone can become destitute and that kindness costs nothing and is desperately needed.
I’m furious to think that cowardly people send you nasty anonymous comments. It’s clear that you and your mother are in desperate straits and anyone who mocks or belittles you is less than human, IMHO.
I know that soon I’ll check out your blog and find GOOD news.
I haven’t read the previous comments that you referenced (but I can imagine) – but all I can say is, F&#$ those people. I DO NOT understand the mentality that passes such harsh judgement on others for accessing the public safety net. Or the mentality that questions whether such a safety net even should exist. It would be better for you and W not to have access to health care? Or food? And what makes these people think that they never would need similar support if their circumstances were to change? I had hoped at one point that this recession at least might generate a little more compassion from people who realize that most Americans are just one layoff away from reliance upon public assistance, and it seemed at one point (at the beginning of the health care debate, when suddenly people realized how tenuous their coverage really is) that might be the case. But the tone seems to have shifted. And the other thing that absolutely sucks is the way in which your experience highlights how broken and dehumanizing the system is. You have the ability and determination to keep fighting through bureaucratic eff-up after eff-up, but I think of how many people must become discouraged under those circumstances and just give up completely. I do not understand why the public assistance system operates in such a manner. OK, I am going to get off of my soap box now, but I want you to hold your head high and feel absolutely no apology for doing what you need to do and accessing services to which you are 100% entitled to take care of your family.
I also would like to kick some of that anonymous butt!
As soon as I started to read about that older man I knew that you were about to tell us that you went to help him because you are AMAZING and WONDERFUL. You are not alone in needing assistance and I’m so grateful that you write about it. I was laid off and my COBRA eligibility just ran out so I’m in the process of applying for help with our insurance too. I’m lucky that my state even offers the option to purchase health insurance and even luckier that they have a sliding scale.
Stay strong Mama! You are doing what you need to do for your little family and someday very soon you’ll be on the other side.
Another 100% supporter of your family here. You’re super brave
It absolutely slays me, that anyone would come here,read your story, and not think to themselves,” there but for the grace of god go I… ” because this could be any one of our stories, and is MY story as well, as a single mother, struggling to survive. My 100,000$ plus university degree, can net me just above minimum wage, in this current economy. So, i went outside the box, and found ways to support my daughter, ( and i think i emailed u some suggestions, hope you did not think of them as criticisms, just trying to think of anyway to help you as well, since we are literally in the same boat! ) I agree with everyone here, that you are intelligent, charming, vulnerable, compassionate, kind hearted, witty, whimsical, etc love the honesty and sweetness that you bring, am always rooting for you and mother, and the darling boy! xo
Thinking of you. I can’t believe how many slip ups and snafu’s there are with the health insurance stuff. And you keep getting the “don’t worry about it’s nothing” line. Right. This is your life, it’s a whole lot more than nothing. Hugs to you sweetie.
Anyone out there who thinks you should feel badly because you needs health insurance should shut the fuck up, and I’d like to kick their asses for you. I live in a country where it is inconceivable that someone should feel badly about that. As for needing social assistance, everyone gets knocked down, it’s your ability to get up and keep fighting that makes you successful or not. So, in the mean time, you are doing what you need to for that baby and you’ll figure it out. Most of us are making it by the grace of god, so all the judgmental know it alls need to have a glass of shut the hell up. As if life isn’t hard enough. You hang in there, I’m thinking about you.
Maybe the rotten commenters should read a little of your backstory. You know, the part where you gave up your career and independent life so you could be GM’s caregiver. In a straight cost-benefit analysis, you saved the USG more than you are getting now in benefits. Elder care is expensive, and but for you, GM would have needed inpatient care long before she did. Even though now kinda sucks, you should be proud of your choices. This, too, shall pass. Hold you head high until it does.
I am so sorry that you’ve been getting negative comments, especially from people too cowardly even to sign their names. Only you can know what’s going on in your life, why you’ve made the choices you have, all the thousand things-big and little-that contributed to your being where you are. I know that your grandmother’s life was enriched so much by your tender care.
I love you & admire you. I pray things will start looking up for you very soon.
I am so lucky that V and I got to spend an afternoon soaking in your beautiful views. You are amazing. Your fight, what you have survived not just recently, but forever? You have done more with your life than many could dream of, and you’re just getting started.
Plus, you’re funny as hell, and let my kid injure yours.
Oh, hon! Just a quickie because I MUST GO TO SLEEP. Love you, girl. You have nothing to be ashamed of. It is the responsibility of a civilized society to care for each other in times of need. Big hug!
Pardon my language please, but ohmyfuckinggod what a painful post. It breaks my heart that you’re going through this. And as PPs said (not the evil ones: F them!), you have nothing to be ashamed of. You and W and your mom are EXACTLY the kind of people that the system is supposed to be helping. People who are looking for a hand to hold on the way up, or to keep them from completely falling to the earth. If my tax dollars are helping you, I’m delighted and proud. My guess is that I live in the wrong state, but imagine me being proud to help you anyway. Seriously — if the good people in the world, those like you who are nothing but honest and incredibly generous and open to life with a capital L, if folks like you can’t be helped when you need it, then what does that say about us as a society? Damn, girl. Hoping things look up soon. Sending much love and positive karma your way!!
You are good people who have stumbled into a time of need. There is NOTHING to be ashamed about, and (in my darker moments) I hope that the people who have criticized your actions end up going through the same situation.
If you’re interested in graveyard shift work, you might want to try looking for a night audit position at a hotel. That’s what I do. The work is easy, but it’s really hard to find people willing to do it, especially for the weekend shifts.
Wow! What a saga! Glad your situation is getting resolved, but I feel so bad for that old man! Jeez! Did you see the story of the woman who, after giving birth to her 3rd child, developed staph A and was near death? And her poor husband had to make the decision to have both her arms and both her legs amputated to save her? OMG. ONLY reason I mention it, he’s written a blog and one entry decried trying to get his now-recovering wife on disability. Her prior occupation was a massage therapist, and the insane SSI rep had the nerve to actually ask if “her amputations would interfere with her being able to work again!”
I’m sorry you have to advocate for yourself, but I’m glad you are smart, persistent and determined!
I found this plaid generator online and thought of you http://www.tartanmaker.com/
You just keep keeping your head above water Cali. Good things will come to you and your mamma. I know it.
xxx
Sending love and pride.
Wow. I almost feel silly adding to the long list of supportive comments. But I’ll do it anyway.
I have no idea what your circumstances are but there are always times in our lives where we find ourselves in situations we never imagined being in. I haven’t walked this particular path but I came close. No one should judge – especially when they don’t know all the facts/circumstances. Stay strong!
I wonder sometimes that the people who would write to you and criticize your life choices have no one in their own life. You are such an amazing woman who chose to share her life being a caregiver to her beloved grandmother. I applaud you!! Stand with pride you are Woman!!
It was wonderful of you to go to the man. No one wants to be scared and alone.
That said, and here is my two sense on disability. Get a lawyer if you have been turned down. (I used to work for one in WI and have recommendations if you are in Milwaukee). But seriously, get a lawyer. A reputable one will not charge you (except maybe for copies) unless they win. Not to mention, SSA controls how much lawyers can get per case. Also, you want a lawyer that will actually look into your case, summarize records, write a brief. Not necessarily one of these ones that runs HUGE TV ads (not that all lawyers w TV adds are bad). But some just work on volume.
Anyways. I know this isn’t your case. This is just my personal rant from watching people get screwed by the system.
You know I feel ya sweetie. My sister doesn’t marry her fiance b/c they wouldn’t have medical coverage for her baby if she did.
And I can’t go part time b/c Hub’s coverage costs $1000/mo for a family, and our part time coverage is shamefully abysmal. Maybe some of this new bill will change that??? Healthcare effing SUCKS in this country.
I hope the mess at social security gets sorted out, you just don’t need that stress. Very disappointing that people are being rude to you!
It’s your blog. Say what you want, mama! Hope things get better for you and W.
I work in a local Career Center. I don’t do “customer service” (an ironic term I assure you) but I see it, hundreds of “it”, every day; story after story go in and out and most of the time we can’t do anything for them. The only ones who hack the “front house” jobs are the ones who learn not to care. Blah. I’m a voice of hope eh?
just wanted to say: i live in maryland
i’m glad some of my taxes are going to help out you & w
i know you won’t be on public assistance forever
we should all help each other.