Often it feels like I am stuck in two gears: one wants to speed things up and the other wants to slow things down.
When I think about security and when I wonder about what is going to happen to our family next I get ill. I want to speed this part up and get to the next phase. How many chapters of limbo are there in this book? And on days when it feels like we are doing EVERYTHING to find stability just underneath that is the anxiety wondering if we are not doing enough.
As would be expected Mother and I can have emotional flair ups at each other. We are both just so stressed and we process very differently. She retreats and I need to, nay, MUST externalize. She spends pretty much 7-9 hours a day looking for jobs, applying for jobs, networking, researching, praying, and probably a zillion other things. At the end of the day, every day, she is zonked emotionally. It is soul sucking to spend so many hours of every day stretching your eager hand up to the hiring powers that be and pleading, “pick me!!!” And then I come along wanting to talk about the million and one variables and what if’s.
Being on the sidelines of the job search is a different kind of hard. While I certainly like to make lists I like to achieve the thrill of crossing things off the list even more. (which is why I put things like “wake up” on my todo lists…) I don’t know how Mother turns the page every morning and starts all over again. And I want to help. So so so so badly. I pour over, literally, dozens of job sites a day, getting frustrated that by the time a job shows up on a list it is most likely weeks old and filled. When she gets called for phone interviews I help her prep and get us all excited about the position.
(Don’t even get me started on how I got us psyched for a job in Oklahoma. She had a phone interview on the day the abortion bill news broke and somehow I managed to turn AHHHH!!! Oklahoma!!!! EW!! Into: Well clearly I would have work for me there to be a part of change.)
We are not sit back and relax kind of people. We like to work. We like to contribute. And lawd, wouldn’t it be great to earn a living. I look at our life right now and feel so beyond thankful that we have a roof over our heads (but also feel massive guilt daily in fear that we are overstaying). I am thankful that we all (for the time being) have health insurance and a bit of food stamps. I am thankful that a company runs ads on my sidebars so that I can purchase things like laundry detergent and generic infant motrin. I am thankful for friends that welcome me into their homes and families when I need a safe place to just BE. I am thankful for all of ya’ll putting up with my constant posts of angst.
But I wonder when this will all dry up. Where will we be then?
Then W wakes up from one of his rare daytime naps and he takes my breath away. Every time he wakes up I feel like he is changed- and he most likely is. Yesterday he woke up and I could honestly tell that he was taller than he was just a few hours earlier. He tries so hard to communicate his needs now- pointing, nodding, bouncing a YES! He has jokes and comic routines. He thinks the cats and the dog are the best things EVER. He studies everything and flirts with everyone. He falls down, bonks his head, and just keeps on moving. He sways and dances and jives to music. He could spend the entire day in the bath- whether there is water in it or not.
And I know that tomorrow, next week, next month- he will be a different boy. It is beautiful and amazing and breathtaking and holy hell am I lucky, lucky, lucky that he is in my life.
And I am lucky that he really has no clue how freaked out I am about everything else in our world. How my face turns bright red when I pull out my food stamps card. How I panic at the sight of every pothole between here and the post office because omg we would be so so so screwed if something happened to the car. I mean there is plenty to be freaked out about in actuality, but just for extra fun I imagine all the OTHER things out there.
I just don’t know what to do to get the pendulum swinging out in a better direction. All we need is a job. A job to get us back on our feet. A job to restore our self worth, our dignity, our sanity. Please pick us!
EDITED TO ADD: There is a response to the, “why aren’t you getting/looking for a job?” question in the comments.