And by luscious I mean HUMID. And by humid I mean ew. But it isn’t Florida so I feel like I should shut up already about it. I’ll try.
Instead how about I tell you about the awesome poison oak that I have on the inside bend of my elbow? Don’t want to hear about that either? I don’t blame you. It suuuuuucks.
But I can tell you about how W and I spent just under 24 hours in Pennsylvania this weekend. One of W’s Godparents has a little sister that is pregnant. So W and I traveled north to attend the sister’s baby shower. And eat cake. I hate that I didn’t get any new photos of W with Marta but this means that we now MUST plan another get together again soon. And have more cake.
The morning after the baby shower several of us were half asleep around the breakfast table. Marta’s little sister turned to me and said that it freaked her out a little that I basically held W the entire time I was there. Not in a horrified way, more of a, “damn. A baby is going to change things.” way.
W is in this not so fun phase of not walking, not wanting to be held, and certainly not wanting to be held by anyone except me. It is utterly exhausting and outside of the house makes me feel like a loser. Irrational. I know. But hearing him scream when I leave his sight is brutal. It brings up a cluster of emotions: guilt being the front runner. Like I should know better than to leave his sight. Or Guilt that he doesn’t have more people in his life or exposure to social settings. I wonder if he was in daycare if he would be better adjusted. And then I hate myself for thinking he isn’t adjusted. I really can get worked up over it and then, just as suddenly, berate myself for not just chilling the fuck out.
Sunday afternoon, once W and I drove back from PA, we had a quick lunch and fresh up and then headed into the city to meet a relative stranger. Literally. She was a stranger that was related to us.
One of the new features of the site of that DNA genotyping that my family did is something called “relative finder“. I have not investigated it as deeply as Mother has, but basically the genotyping company finds other people that used their product that have similar DNA and based on the strength of the similarity determines a relation. About once a month I get an e-mail from someone with a message like, “Hi! We might be cousins!”
Mother gets the e-mails too and because she is now the keeper of all of our family charts she likes to follow up and investigate if the people sending the e-mail have common known ancestors with us. A few months ago she got a nice e-mail from a woman in Australia. A couple back and forth e-mails revealed that we most likely did have a shared ancestor. But the question was who?
The woman was in town on business this weekend and yesterday Mother, myself and W met up with her at her hotel. W crawled around the suite and the three grownups began pouring over our family trees trying to find common ground or names. It was actually pretty fun. I was online going through one of the online charts that Mother had created and I would call out a name of an ancestor that was born in Europe but died in America. Our new relative from Oz would go through her list of ancestors trying to find a person from whatever city in Europe my person was from and Mother would flip through a giant book of charts she brought trying to make it all connect.
And the entire time I thought how tickled my Grandmother would have been. She and my Grandfather were totally invested in charting our family tree- to them it was a giant mystery that never ended. And now, thanks to science, we are able to utilize her research in such a fun way.
This woman was really cool so claiming her was a treat. She and Mother hit it off before they even met so it was fun watching them both sitting on the floor getting excited about the same things and showing each other photos of their cats. I found her really easy to talk to and look forward to finally landing on the name and history of the ancestor that we share. It was pretty amusing to see that she has the exact same blast of freckles on her arm that Mother and I have.
And I might as well go ahead and say the other thing that is in my head- why was it SO easy to connect with and enjoy the time with this distant relation and why is it so hard to connect that way to my sister?
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
That is so awesome about your new-found relative! My dad would have been tickled to have a connection like that.
As for your ending question, I think it’s easier to connect with someone you don’t know than it is to reconnect with someone you know. You are starting fresh with this new relative, but you have baggage and history with your sister.
I would say it was easier because there was less on the line. The more pressure there is, the harder it is to relax and let you be yourself. That is REALLY neat, though.
He is being totally normal with a capital N, and I don’t think more separation would help, although babies are resilient and do learn to cope. But a developmental need that is met, will fade away. The trouble of always in arms will make way for trying to keep up with him soon! It is hard work though, it’s not my favourite stage at all, I think I prefer to scurrying after cause it doesn’t require so much patience just quick reflexes!
And this post has totally made me want to do the DNA testing! My mum is getting into our family tree and while that’s interesting, I’d love to find random relatives living now.
Sweetie, it is so easy to connect with her because there is NO history…no preconceived notions of how things should be or could have been. With this lady, you can look and see similarities without all the baggage that goes along with it. {{{Hugs}}}
And, W’s behavior is 100% normal. You are an awesome mom and he is a fantabulous kid.
So did you ever find out how you guys were related?
File this under “if it makes you feel any better…”
I spent the morning feeling horribly guilty because I WAS taking The Girl to daycare. She crawled around after me all morning long saying, “Mamamama….UP!!” and then I would have to step over her to continue getting ready/making a lunch/getting someone dressed/putting on makeup/general Monday work crap. I simply don’t have time in the mornings to sit and cuddle her and rock her. I already get up at 5:45am to leave the house by 8:15am. But I felt horrible. She doesn’t understand (especially on Mondays) why 3 days of the week I have time to stop and cuddle her and sit with her and play and then all of a sudden it’s Monday and for the next 4 days I pretty much just pick her up to get her dressed and dump her in her brother’s room to play while I get us all ready to get out the door. It kills me to have her calling me and crawling over and saying “up” and me not having the time to pick her up and love on her. Kills me.
So you’re damned if you do…damned if you don’t…
The weekend sounds great except the guilt feelings. I have them too about most anything and am usually completely unable to figure out their cause.
As far as meeting up with this new “relative”? I’d guess it’s easier because there is no past baggage to consider. No common past. I’m glad you had a good time with her.
W sounds normal.
As for the family stuff, that’s always complex. You have no backstory with this lady, so it’s easy to jump right in.
Ugh, I WAS in Florida this weekend, and I can tell you, coming back to the humidity of DC was a relief. Don’t the people who design buildings in Florida realize that skylights are goodfuntimes and all, but are a beyotch for creating cooling environments? GAH.
ANYWAY, sisters. Wow, yeah. Having three of them, the best I can say is this: Sometimes they are weird. Sometimes they are hard. Sometimes they’re not. I agree with BlondieKate about it being easier to connect with someone you don’t know rather than reconnect with someone you do. There’s no history for the new person to fall back on, no judgements already set in place.
W’s just fine. It’s an annoying phase. Wait until 18 months and then the screaming when you leave is awful. I look forward to being able to pee with the door closed late this year – being out of sight freaks Z out.
You know we live on a swamp right?
I agree with others that it’s easier to connect with a stranger relative than your sister because of the pressure involved, but also maybe because you’re just too…different. Not everyone is going to get along swimmingly and it’s no one’s fault, it just is.
Have you done some digging on Ancestry.com?
Cool picture, and you’ll probably fondly remember this time when W is 1.5 or 2 and wanting to run all over the place
That’s easy, because you and your distant cousin don’t have existing baggage, and you and your sister, do. Not that it’s bad, it just is what it is.
You know I’m a lover of all things geneology, so I LOVE that you were able to meet a relative! So so so cool!
Hoping for a few days of no humidity for you, we have it here too and I hate it. Where I grew up (5 hours away) is closer to the mountains so it’s a “dry heat” and I never knew how much I loved it until I didn’t have it.
Why yes, you were holding him, because that’s what babies need!
That said, I totally get it.
I have pretty much that same thought process, too (and especially when Peeper was more like W’s age).
I am the World’s. Worst. Mother. for leaving my child All. Alone. for 10 seconds.
Or, maybe I am the World’s. Worst. Mother. for whatever it is that I’ve done to my child that has made her unable to be All. Alone. for 10 seconds.
Ah, Mama-guilt. Gotta love it.
Enjoy the “I need my mom and only my mom” stage because soon enough, he’ll be telling you to go away. That’s how it works. My neighbor told me when my daughter was born that I needed to give her roots and wings, and she would be fine. The clinging phase is just W’s way of establishing his roots, so he can grow his wings.
How cool that you found a relative! Also, it’s like dating – the new ones are fun and interesting. The off/on again ones cause you the most trouble.
Personally, I think the humidity in the DC area is worse than in FL. Cool beans on the distant relative, btw!
Oh no sister, I hear ya. That area is BRUTAL in the summer. Relative stuff = cool, and E has been like that (W’s phase now) since he was born. That’s why I’m such a mess.
baggage – “found” relatives are baggage free. it makes total sense.
xo