It quietly crept up on me the other day, with the celebration of W’s first birthday it was also a marker of one year since BG Talula went missing. April 10, 2009 was the last time I ever saw her. Oh how my heart just hurts when I think of her, wondering what happened, trying not to think too much about awful scenarios.
Last night I woke up in the middle of the night, brought out of slumber by such a vivid dream. I dreamed that I walked into the kitchen of the house were we are staying and BG was sitting on the kitchen table, her black puff of a tail dangling off of the side. She leaped down and trotted into the living room where she settled herself into the top pillow part of a comfy chair. She gazed out the window looking at the wind blowing the trees and the chirpy birds flitting about. And she seemed content.
I have yet to really be visited by Grandmother since she passed. Sure there are moments where I think she might be watching. And there are many times where Mother or I will find an almost hidden coin and know that my Grandfather (who was an avid coin collector) is with us. But to be visited by BG was so lovely and special. And I feel honored that she would let me know that she was still a part of my life.
Oh man I am literally a weepy girl as I type this and I am sure I sound so silly writing about the ghost of a beloved cat, but living in these unpredictable times I really needed some comfort. The kind of comfort that can only be had by a much loved cat.
We are still waiting, and hoping, for the phone to ring. But to be honest, with each passing day I can feel the glow of true hope wafting away and leaving us. Mother, of course, continues to apply for jobs daily. But oh wouldn’t it just be so nice to have this joblessness era DONE.
Sometimes I feel like we are presented with life lessons that we (our souls) need to learn in order to grow. If you have seen Defending Your Life or read Many Lives Many Masters then this concept will not be unfamiliar to you. Both of those works speak about the notion that each life is a series of choices. The choice you make will put your life in motion but if your soul needs to work on selecting the more correct choice then the same life moment will keep coming back.
(sort of like the old adage that if you date deadbeat assholes that you will keep dating deadbeat assholes until you learn to date someone that is kind)
So since I tend to believe in life lessons and souls and all of that good stuff, I keep asking myself- what the fuck lesson are we waiting to learn that is delaying this moment? To bring it back to a more pleasant tone I can say that I have grown and changed so much in this last year. Beyond the change that happens with parenting, even beyond the change of great grief. I am not sure I can even articulate the change. Maybe you will understand it if I say I was once a carnelian red and now I am a more of a cerulean blue.
I have changed from a person that zings around thinking the world is against them to a person that is quiet and still. I am waiting. And I am ready.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
ohh love, i am so happy that BG Talula came to visit you in your dream and brought you so much comfort. sometimes our animals know better than anyone, our hearts…
i believe in the life-lessons/choices and repeat until you learn thing too. tho you are much more eloquent at explaining it. i am in a place right now that i do not know what choices i am supposed to make. and i am feeling like i need to go one way, but it rushes up the guilt inside me like nothing else.
its good to have good friends for the journey tho…
I think that is wonderful that your beloved pet let you know that she is there for you, and that you accepted her comfort. How special! All I dreamed about were zombies – my first ever zombie dream – didn’t like it.
I too believe that there are lessons our souls must learn to move on… So far I think for me in this life it’s completion. I never finish anything. And I am working hard on that. I also think that one of my lessons this time around is rage. How to deal with it, how to let it go, how to process it. That one is hard for me. So freakin hard. I hate it. The guilt surrounding my rage makes me angrier – viscious cycle. Anyway – I wish I could tell you what the lesson is for you this time, but hopefully when it is learned it will be a super “AH-HAH” moment. Love you!
Waiting and hoping right along with you! Hopefully this week will bring great news!
That is a HUGE change. Huge!
Still hoping that phone rings with some good news.
What a lovely visit from BG. It warms my heart to learn that she found a way to let you know that she is still a part of your life. I hope and hope that the phone rings with good news SOON.
I still miss my kitten that disappeared fifteen-ish years ago.
I can’t think why your mother hasn’t gotten a call yet. People are insane, anyone would be lucky to hire her.
That is a huge change to go through.
I hope those idiots get off their *sses and call your mom soon!
And, I’m glad you had the visit from BG Talula.
BTW, I absolutely adore your new header.
Aww how sweet that she visited. My Baylee (My black dog that I had for years) disappeared the day I went into the hospital to have Maddi. That was almost 9 months ago
I had a kitty, Gray (and that was her coloring, too… I know, so original!), who wandered off and disappeared, and even though it’s been years and years and years, I still, once in a while, wonder what happened to her. It’s hard to have closure when you don’t know what happened to them. I love you!!
love the dream. that is really special. so wonderful to know she is still with you, and at peace.
Sweet Pea and Cougar visit CONSTANTLY – and they play with Quincy.
Juno isn’t ready to visit yet, she’s still getting her nails done.
As I’m sure GM is, too.
I love my dreams, it’s where I see my GM the most….
This is your best post so far this year. A cut-and-paster into my collection of re-reads. Zing to still is brilliant. And I love the lessons-that-need-to-be-learned thing. I am a believer in that too.
I too am still hoping that the phone rings soon with some awesome news. You all deserve it so much.
That dream sounds fabulous. Of all the dreams I’ve had my favorites were “visits” from someone that I desperately needed to see.