Recently some friends of mine were talking about what it feels like to not have something/someone with you that defines a big part of who you are. In this specific case, we were talking about children. The bizarre feeling of being in a grocery store and seeing a woman with a child and feeling naked because your child is not with you.
I have also felt this kind of naked when I would go out without Grandmother. If I saw another person out with (an assumed) Grandparent I always felt a bit off. And then I would feel this phantom ache of missing what might have been a moment to connect. When I was with Grandmother and we encountered someone else in a wheelchair it was freakishly nice. We could give each other a nod and a knowing smile.
It made me wonder what sort of things people infer about each other. We all love to people watch and maybe make up stories about a person as we see them gesticulating while on a cell phone call or negotiating with a cumbersome and overstuffed purse.
If I was out, all on my own, would someone know I was a Mom? Would someone know that I spent seven years taking care of my Grandmother? Would they know that I was single? Probably not. And most of the time that is ok- except when a large part of our identity is based upon these roles.
So because I am in a bit of a loopy state of mind (had an epic wait at the blood labs this morning on a fasting blood draw and now my morning coffee might as well be liquid speed. wooo!) I thought I would have some poll fun today.
I am going to give you answers and no question. I want you to infer what the question is (and it could be exactly what you think or I could be going outside of the box.) For example if the answers were, “One or Two?” You might think I am asking about lumps of sugar or how many fingers I am holding up…The goal is not to think too hard and just answer based on what you assume the question is.
Here we go…
Loading ... Loading ... Loading ... Loading ... Loading ...What is something that defines you that you wonder if people saw you walking down the street they probably wouldn’t know?
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m not sure if this answers your query….
I wonder, when people see my boyfriend and I using WIC and foodstamps to buy food in the store, if they think I’m a total bum who doesn’t know how to plan my life. I wasn’t ever supposed to even have children and was told I was infertile since I was 15. I think I feel bad I can’t completely provide for my own flesh and blood. Projecting much?
Well, I have some unique preoccupations these days, with the upcoming move to Europe, plus here in the deep south I’m your relatively rare hard-core atheist. I’d go with those. Plus, nobody else is mother to my girl! That’s a pretty big part of how I define myself. But of course she’s always with me, so they’d be able to guess.
A cliche, but: my queerness is the thing people wouldn’t know. I don’t “look like” a lesbian. This can be both convenient and annoying, of course.
Also, lately: my pregnancy. I show a little, now, if you know me, but out in public people don’t know at all. This sucks for getting a seat on the subway, and also, because I’m shy and anxious, there are people I haven’t told that i really should have! And I wish I had a bump to help out.
I know people would not infer that I’m a lesbian, a mother, an agnostic or even Jewish person. I don’t “look” like any of the above.
Well, up until about 5 years ago, it would have just been my age! The thing that makes everyone do a double take now is when I explain my job.
Until recently, it would be my brother’s death. Now, being a mother. Well, both, really.
And Class. that one’s huge.
13 months into being a mother, I still totally identify myself as an infertile. And as a mother. And as a lesbian. And I’m sure most people don’t know at least the first and third thing when I’m walking down the street. If they did, I’d like to think they would take care to be more sensitive.
My pregnancy, at the time, I didn’t show much.
Now, having a baby. I feel weird when I don’t have Bird with me and I am smiling all every baby I see.
And suddenly, my queerness. I don’t know if it’s because I have a baby now that people assume I have a husband all of a sudden? That one is new, and not always, but something that often pushes me to keep my hair short.
People wouldn’t guess at my infertility struggles. Now, if they talked to me for any length of time, they would know. But, they would never guess from just seeing me.
Absolutely my lesbianism. I don’t set off anyone’s gaydar and even people I interact with on a regular basis used to FORGET that I was gay. It’s one of the reasons I try to be so open when talking about my personal life. For some reason, it just blows people’s mind when I say “wife”.
And now motherhood, but I guess I’m guilty of that assumption a little myself. Honestly, I don’t often look at a random stranger not in the company of a child and think “they are a parent” . Unless they’re buying/shopping for obvious baby or kid related items. Perhaps it is because my motherhood is so new and my circle of friends is slowly shifting from those who are not yet parents to those that have kids? Perhaps in 10 years time, when it’s likely that most of my social interactions will be with other parents, I’ll look at the world differently.
I think that right now, no one would guess how scared I am of everything. I think I look like I have it together, but my life is a mess and I’m terrified it always will be.
There are a number of things, but certainly the infertility is a big one. I am due in three weeks, and when people see me with my son and my big belly, I just know they make assumptions, and I wish I could walk around with a sandwich board that reads “ask me what I went through, this isn’t what it looks like.”
they wouldn’t know that I am caring for my mom, that I HATE CANCER, that I am NOT straight, or that the guy with me isn’t my husband….
That I’m as old as I am (I used to look younger than I was but lately I think my looks have caught up to my age). That I have 4 children. I also wonder if people assume I am not as smart as (I think) I am because I am flaky and often do things like forget that my sunglasses are on my head or leave my bags when I walk away from the counter A LOT.
I think no one would ever look at me and go “Oh, shes a lesbian”. I’m neither “butch” or “femme” I’m somewhere in the middle. It kinda annoys me. I think that a lot of people would be SHOCKED as shi$ to learn that I am one. I’m amazed at the friends from high school on facebook who figure it out and are like “Oh my gah, you are the last person I would have ever thought!!”
they wouldnt know that im on a mission to get out of said current job of hoiusekeeping (almost 13 yrs now ) most assume im stupid and i cant go beyond said current job or even much less make it
sigh 1 degree and 1 more in sept. . most assume that i would not be dating a younger man then me and that we are more open and communicate better then most coupples that are married.
then again most wouldnt know im a mom of 3 and 1 is fixing to graduate highschool in 2 months…
ok small mini rant over :0)
ok and now also i notice my spell check sucks on this computer too LOL
I have 2 bachelor degrees, 2 masters degrees, a juris doctorate degree, a LLM degree (post grad law degree) and I am currently a PhD canidate. I am attorney and professor. But I am also a 35 year old single girl who goes out and has an active social life. I wonder if someone who met me after I had a few drinks with the girls and I was acting like a fool would know how educated I am. LOL
Same as has been said above – being queer. I live in a place that is arguably Lesbian Mecca, but it’s interesting who is seen as queer and who is not. I appear (?!) to be straight and have been mistaken as my partner’s daughter! I don’t think I’d mind people not assuming I’m gay if they also didn’t assume I’m not-gay. Other things that define me are my class upbringing and my education. I don’t think most people would have any idea how hard I’ve had to work to acquire the education I have, or the resulting debt for my JD, as the daughter of a miner who continues to work graveyard shifts. When I think about these things, it reminds me that when I meet people on the street, I have NO IDEA what their story is really about, and who they may be beyond whatever assumptions I make. I like those kind of reminders.
For me it’s definitely my sexuality. I’m girly and don’t “look” like a lesbian. I have a wedding ring and engagement ring and people assume that means I’m married to a man.
Also, my anxiety. Most people can’t tell that I suffer from anxiety/panic issues. They assume that I’m calm and relaxed and I’m so not!
that i’m queer and come from a multiracial family. i think most people assume i am straight and that my family is white, like me (whether they know they are assuming it or not – i mean, i don’t necessarily think other people are having all these specific thoughts about me, but when i mention my girlfriend or show a picture of my family there is so often surprise and/or confusion)
EASY!
For me: I wish that people would automatically assume that I am my children’s mother, instead of the babysitter.
For Narda: She wishes that people would know that she’s Jewish.
That’s a tough one. I always tend to think or expect to be defined as is my weight. Defined as a “fat person.” I don’t know if that’s what people see but that’s what I think they will see or expect people will view me in this manner. As far as how I’d like to be seen. I don’t know. Maybe as brave or strong (even if I don’t always feel this way), or caring, as a fabulous nurse and an advocate for women.
Well, we talked about the parent thing. I have finely-tuned Jewdar and I can somehow hone in on Hebrew whispered several aisles away at the food store. I can feel self-conscious when I pass someone clearly observant and I want to jump in front of them and scream, “I may not look it, but I’m a Jew TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.”
that, against all odds and likely life paths, i have a doctorate that i don’t use in a direct way any more. i was the first person in my family to go to college, and through sheer stubbornness and drive i made it all the way, mostly for my own satisfaction. it’s ironic that i ended up choosing to leave my field. however, my determination to not allow my environment to define me is still an integral part of who i am (tempered by insecurity of what others think of me, of course), even if its prime manifestation is only indirectly relevant to my life now. So, i think what people don’t know is that i chose to stop playing the game.
oh, and until recently i looked a great deal younger than i actually am. my father is the same way. i think these last few months it has started to catch up with me (toddlers are exhausting), although i must say on my 40th bday this year i passed as 26!
The education part people mentioned and all the self-development and self/career exploration work I’ve done. That my mom died when I was a child (people often assume you have a mom and that it’s a special relationship etc.). That I’ve tried several times to “knock myself up” as a single woman.
Kristina, I know what you mean about not having that special, supportive relationship with you mom, and people assuming you have this in your life. My mother is alive but mentally ill; I haven’t had a “mother” for most of my life. You may want to read Motherless Daughters and/or Motherless Mothers. It’s helped me to realize that some of my “quirks” are common for women like us. Take care.
That I’m 39 years old. That I have no parents and essentially no brother (we haven’t spoken in over a year). And that I’m a raging atheist.
It’s my queerness, too, I think. I suppose (or I know) that people would assume I’m straight. I don’t know if I like it. Makes it easy for my parents, for example, to avoid the discussion or simply to acknowledge in front of other people that I’m gay. I can’t decide if that pisses me off or if I don’t care of this behaviour. Still thinking about it.
That with everywhere I go and everything I do, there is a constant novelist’s narrative running in my head, describing the action to invisible readers.