In less than a week I will be meeting my sister and her daughters. We are meeting at a coffee shop in Virginia. She picked the city, I picked the location. And of course now I am totally certain that it is a horrible location to meet but there aren’t many alternatives within the city she picked and I am feeling Responsible and worried that the bad choice on my part will cloud the day totally and that all she will be thinking of is, “What stupid fuck picks a coffee shop to meet when there are pre-tweens and infants involved?!”
Of course I know she won’t think that, or at least I know that it won’t be the only thing on her mind. But the prologue of any story is where we can work this stuff out. I mean isn’t this the perfect time and place to purge this angsty mound of chaotic and complicated and fretful stuff?
Here we go. My list of stuff. In no order except whatever order it is. Meaning what pops into my mind first probably isn’t any more or less important to me than what comes out third or fifth. And the fact that I just referenced ODD numbers doesn’t mean anything either. (sheesh, way to procrastinate the touchy feely stuff…)
1. I am worried about what to wear. Specifically if I should dress up or down. I am wondering if I should go all out with mascara and blush or if I should just cover the zits and chapstick it. If I look too “good” (work with me here) will she hate me (more)? Will she hate me (still)? I worry that if I wear something nice-ish that she will think we are well off.
2. This leads into the worry that she will want/expect/ask for money or financial assistance. I would be happy if money or jobs or housing situations never came into the conversation, but I know it will. And I feel weak for being so knocked down by life’s circumstances and I don’t want to seem weak. And I don’t want to have to explain stuff. Like how we drive a car that might make us seem we are better off but we aren’t.
3. I worry that she will say something about my weight. I remember that she is a bit taller than I am and I remember that where I was always slightly round she was always slightly angular. I know we both had babies recently-ish so there should be a buffer of BMI expectations. But some people have babies and leave the hospital wearing skinny jeans. I didn’t. Is it fucked up to hope that she is plus sized as well?
4. What if her kids don’t like me? What if she doesn’t like my kid? What if she says something mean of hurtful about the way that W was made? What is it going to be like to watch Mother with these kids?
5. Then there is the father stuff. What if she wants to talk about it? Do I want to?
6. Will she have questions for Mother? Will she ask them in front of me?
7. What if I feel a bigger connection that she does? What if I don’t feel anything?
8..What if W screams the entire time, or barfs the entire time, or flings his head back into my chin the entire time and I can’t/don’t relax and everyone at the coffee shop stares and points and we are asked to leave?
9. What if she only wants to meet so that she can hurt me?
10. What if we have nothing to say or say nothing?
11. What happens after coffee?????
I am a person that likes to visualize a situation before it happens. It doesn’t always help because sometimes my Irish imagination will get carried away and I make myself ill with the imagining. I can’t figure out if I should be thinking more or thinking less about this meeting. I know that I just want to connect, but what do I MEAN by that.
Best case scenario seems unattainable and honestly not something that I think I even desire. Best case would be that we hit it off and the day is fun and easy and simple and carefree and no one brings up the past at all. It would be as if I stumbled into a coffee shop and bumped into an old neighbor and then realized we had so much in common and plan on getting together again and often.
Worst case scenario is that she shows up with anger. 2nd runner up to worst would be if she didn’t show up at all.
Middle scenario is what I think I am after here. We both show up with kindness in our hearts and an open mind. We both show up ready to get acquainted and not dwell on the situation of our parent’s divorce. (I need to remind myself that any issues she has about this are NOT about me. I was a baby. I had no say in how custody happened. I need to work on not feeling so guilty for getting the better deal.)
It’s going to change a lot of things- this meeting. It could be amazing grace- what was once lost is now found. Or it could just be coffee.
BE YOURSELF !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don’t have any good advice. I think that it is good that you have a clear idea of what you want to happen, what your expectations are, even if your hopes are something different. I think your expectations are quite realistic, and that’s all you can do.
Would it make it easier if I can tell you that you can control your own behaviour, you can dress so that you feel confident, make choices that help you feel comfortable, and what she does with that, your clothes, your appearance, your effect on her, that’s nothing you can change. She needs to own that.
Sending hugs and good thoughts.
Based on all your concerns, #8 is looking like the best possible option.
Que sera sera, whatever will be will be. The future’s not ours to see. Que sera sera. (Wish I could do musical notes)
So, if you need to prepare, spend some time visualizing every option and your response. However, you should look nice, like you made the effort of getting out of your sweatpants for the day to meet someone, but not too nice like you’re trying to impress someone. Say, mascara but no blush?
Anyway, someone who contacts you and arranges to meet you in order to unload a whole bunch of crap on you at first meeting would be a complete ass. Odds are pretty good that this will be mostly a feeling out session. It’s the second meeting you should worry about. You’ll be fine – and if you feel uncomfortable, Captain Adorable will be happy to take over the show!
Those what ifs kill me every time. Sigh. Hugs.
Go into it just expecting coffee, and hopefully you’ll be pleasantly surprised with much more. Sending good vibes your way.
Okay, first let me say that I love that you can write about all this anxiety and have me giggling the whole time. Of course, you are thinking of all of this because you are human, and that is what we do…but our expectations can sometimes weigh in too much on how we act and the future before it happens.(It drives our actions, thoughts, words, etc…)
One thing I learned in a communication seminar, and it is probably the hardest thing to do: Go into the meeting and the conversation coming from nothing. If you can come from nothing(no expectations, no “I have to says this”, “what if she says this”), you can create anything. No expectations=no disappointments. Nothing is wrong because it isn’t supposed to go any certain way in your mind…Then you can dance to the music being played. That is where great conversations full of unexpected possiblities are created.
OH, and on a side note- if she is a rude bitch, you can always get up and leave! You don’t owe her anything.
I’ve never commented before but I’ve been reading along for a while. I just wanted to say that while I know you’re nervous(which makes total sense and anyone would be!!), likely your sister is as well. And she is a mother. And I think if she were going to be a bitch and just go there to hurt you, it is incredibly unlikely that she would bring her children along to watch the show. If she’s bringing her children I think her intentions are likely good. Sure there are some crazy selfish moms out there that don’t care what their kids see and hear, but they are few and far between and its not even something you should stress about. And if she’s horrible, well the good news is that your son is young enough he wouldn’t be affected by it, and you and your mother could go home with your heads held high that you at least tried.
As for clothes, if its in a coffee shop then I’d say casual jeans/pants and a nice shirt/sweater. Dressy pants/skirt or blouse would seem out of place and you’d probably be self concious.
Good luck!!
Oh, I can imagine the anxiety. I’m sure it will be awkward. But she reached out. I can’t imagine doing that if I didn’t want to try to make a good connection.
I feel so anxious for your mother.
Good luck. The kids will make it easier–an easy, happy topic, a distraction, a bond.
I pretty much agree with Antropologa above me……it will be awkward, but okay. The only question is what both of those things look like, and that’s where the anxiety comes in. I’d be a wreck. But I can’t imagine anyone not loving you….
wishing you well with this momentous meeting. yeah it will be awkward, but I agree you just have to be yourself and don’t overthink everything. you can only control YOU and your reactions. try not to worry about everything else. just smile and BREATHE.
RELAX! You have the magic weapon–his name is W! He will charm the pants of everyone! Just be your awesome self. Dress however you want to (comfort first) and enjoy meeting her kids while you show off your wonderful boy! RELAX!
Sending good vibes and hoping it goes well!
That does sounds stressful and overwhelming. And I have to say that #3 is one I can understand soooooo well. Sending much hope that things go well for everyone. Hugs to you.
I can’t imagine how you must be feeling right now Calli, but I would imagine that perhaps your sister is going through a similar angst of her own facing this meeting. The one thing I can say is that you need to just be yourself – you are wonderful and amazing and if she can’t see that then she and her children will be the loosers.
Thinking of you.
xxx
Wow. That is a lot to worry about. You can’t control things. Just be yourself and have an open mind.
Lady, you are an amazing person. An amazing mom, daughter, sister, friend, etc., etc. ANYONE should be lucky enough to have coffee with you. I’m not just being a Pollyanna and saying this, I mean it. I will ditto what others have said… be yourself! What’s past is past, bygones are bygones. And while she may hold a grudge and harbor resentment, that doesn’t mean you have to. It sounds like there are some heavy things involved in this situation, and you don’t need to has them all out over coffee. Start small. You have the rest of your lives to deal with the big things. It’s completely ok if it all stays at the superficial level for now. It’s fine if you just spend a few hours cooing over the new babies. There’s a lot of emotions to unpack and don’t feel like you have to get it all out now. And if she starts to and you’re not ready to go there, steer the conversation back into safe waters. You will be fine. Absolutely fine. xoxo
p.s. cross her not liking W off your list… W can charm anyone.
You will be fine. Just try to take it slow…if the conversation is going down a road you don’t want to follow, steer it in another direction. There will be cute babies all over the place, so when there is a lag in the conversation, talk about cute babies!
PS – As far as dress goes – wear nice jeans and a slightly nicer top than a t-shirt. She has two kids, so I don’t think she will be dressed any nicer than that…(I mean moms can dress fabulous – but when the kids are crawling all over her and spilling stuff on her clothes, why bother?). Yes, wear some lipstick. Looking good will help you feel good about yourself!
Hi,
I didn’t speak to my sister for several years (she didn’t like the fact that i’m gay!) and i have to admit that the first time we spoke/met again was not easy BUT i am so glad we did as each time we met from then on got easier. You’ll never be able to predict what will happen so just look at it as what it is – hopefully the start of a new relationship with her, whatever form that may take. Just be yourself and remember to not worry too much about what she is thinking but remember your thoughts and feelings are of equal importamce and you just do what feels comfortable for yourself and she can look after herself! At least you have the kids to talk about to get started and hopefully it will just flow from there,,,
Good luck and positive thoughts
Nic x
first off, we always meet with our kid’s birth moms at roomy starbucks, so the kids can roam, or at a book store, in the kids section – it’s totally natural and makes life easy.
Secondly? let go of all expectations. Hard as fuck to really do, but the effort can be cleansing. It will be what it will be. She IS willing to meet with you. It will be awkward, of course, but it will simply be.
And b’Shah Tovah, may it be for good.
love you.
Dress in the middle. Pretend you are coming to meet me for the first time. Wear a nice shirt that you love, jeans, and those cute shoes that you and I both have. (Because I copied you and bought them.) Mascara and eye liner, no blush. Lip gloss. A little bit of jewelry. W should wear something adorable, of course.
Go online and find a nearby park or bookstore. After coffee, say “W and I are going to go to ___ now, you guys are welcome to join us if you don’t have to get home right away.” Take some snacks for W, but make sure you have lots of them and that they are older kid appropriate too. (Cheddar bunnies, perhaps?)
It will be okay. Carry all of us in your pocket.
I hope she turns out to be as awesome as you.
Hi–It sounds like it is all planned out already, but here is a suggestion: is there any chance of having the first meeting (or at least the first part of the first meeting) without the kids there? The presence of even the best-behaved group of children is not exactly conducive to the kind of quiet adult conversation you are probably hoping for. If it goes well, you can meet each other’s children the next time, and if it, uh, doesn’t go well, it’s probably better not to have brought the kids into it. Just a thought.
I hope it does go well for you! You can and do have the power not to answer anything that you feel is not the time or place to answer. If things are not going well you can leave and realize you tried and it will just not work right now.
SHe’s probably doing all the above, and it will be better than you thought. Why not shoot for business casual?
I doubt she would have gone to the trouble of getting in touch with you & setting up a meeting unless she really did want to see you. There will likely be some awkwardness, but I think that’s normal. Fingers crossed for you both!
i just wanted to send you lots of good wishes. like someone said above, be yourself and let the cards fall where they may. hopefully your goals are similar so it should be nice re-connecting regardless of what happens next. i’m glad you’ll have your mom there to lean on if you did start to feel uncomfortable. i can’t wait to hear how it goes; hopefully it will be the best case scenario!!
I liked Jen’s idea of finding a park or indoor play area or something that you can say you are going to as an option for afterwards.
I’m such a planner and visualizer, and not knowing when C will be home is driving me batty.
I truly hope that it goes smoothly and all the baggage can stay sealed.
Oooo, I like the park idea. That’s awesome. Especially if you start to feel too anxious or nervous. I do that on dates – you know that first coffee shop date? I make sure to find something interesting nearby, and then if I can’t handle the nerves, I invite the guy to go to the thing.
I’d be really nervous if I were you, too. Know that you have tons of people wishing good thoughts (and I believe in the power of people hoping/praying/wishing for others), and that it’s just one day. You all get to leave at the end of it, come home, and deconstruct the meeting, you know? It’s a big step, and scary, and once it’s done you can look back and know that you did your best to reconnect.
Trust that even if the worst of your “what-if’s” come true, you will still be okay. Go into this with an open mind and no expectations. Dress however makes you happy, and come up with stock answers or responses to the questions or issues ypu aren’t yet comfortable with discussing, so you feel prepared.
I hope this meeting brings you a measure of peace.
Will be thinking of you for the best outcome in all circumstances–I know there are so many unanswered parts of this upcoming visit–how can she NOT love everything about you?
Proud of you, lady!
I hope things go smoothly and everyone has a great time. {{{Hugs}}}
I love this line: “It could be amazing grace- what was once lost is now found. Or it could just be coffee.” I think you should carry all of us with you in your pocket that day. At least have strength in knowing you have so many women behind you.
Who can top what Mel just said?! ditto.
I doubt your sister wants to meet you just so she can hurt you.
I don’t know your sister but I imagine that she already has plenty of people in her life that she can hurt if she’s so inclined.
Ha! I’m kidding!
My theory is she wants to see you because she had a bay recently and having a baby gets you thinking about family. I don’t know your back story with your sister but my guess is she’s arrived at a point in her life that she feels ready to connect with you. Everybody has different styles. If she seems less than knocked out with joy over contacting you it could be because she feels shy or guilty or apprehensive. I’m sure she’s nervous and excited about seeing you.
It’s human nature to hope that your sister won’t be gorgeous and skinny with the world’s most beautiful house and clothes to die for. You’re not an awful person to wish that she’ll be on the same level as you in terms of the world’s gifts, or slightly lower.
I hope you have a good meeting. Rome wasn’t built in a day; it may take awhile for the two of you to feel comfortable with each other. Or you might not hit it off and that’ll be it. It would, however, be great for W. to know his cousins. Maybe it will be good to see your sister. If your expectations aren’t too high and you’re not hoping to form an instant bond it should turn out okay.
Uh, she had a BABY recently. A BABY, not a bay. My head gets ahead of my typing fingers sometimes.