People are People

(Get cozy, it’s a catch up post. Oh yes. Beverage yourself up and snuggle in…)

I’m in a car at a pediatrician’s parking lot at the moment waiting for N&J to have a check up for little NJ. Speaking of pediatricians makes me realize that I need to update the W insurance list of chaos.

After getting a message two weeks ago from our case worker saying that all is fine, the “situation will be resolved tomorrow’ (with no indication of what, exactly the “situation” could be) I have not had any updates. So I decided to do a round of calls again to check on the status of our application. (I say “our” but it is really just W. Didn’t want anyone to think that I might actually get insurance coverage. Ha ha ha!)

The first call was to my caseworker. I was told she was on another line, given her direct number (woo!) and then transferred to her voice mail. I left a simple message that I was calling to check on the status and that I would go ahead and call the 800 number next.

And then I call the 800 number and get connected after the usual 30 minutes of key padding and hold music. I give my “customer service number” and am told that my application is delayed. Yes. We know this. Any update as to why? And here was his official answer, “sometimes there is just a delay and people get held up for no reason. It is just how it goes. There is a delay in the system.”

Turns out the state has 30 days to process the application. But on midnight of day 29 they issued me a delay letter. The letter stated that it gave them 10 extra days to process. One of the caseworker calls said that it gave them 10-15 extra process days. But now? Now I am being told that the system gets 30 days from the date of the delay letter.

Ahhhhh!! The system. The system is the new man. And the system is bringing me down. It is a system of the down.

I was then told that it could be February until I heard if W had been approved. I blinked at the “IF”.

Me: but isn’t it state law that every child be covered?

Him: Well every like, new baby.

Me: Newborns?

Him: Yes. They are called newborns.

Me: But not infants?

Him: Huh?

Me: Infants. Are they not covered?

Him: Uh. I guess. If infants are babies.

Riiiiiiiiiiiight. I opted not to continue this line of the conversation and went back to February questions. “So what happens in February if W doesn’t have a letter?” Well it turns out that if we don’t hear by February 2^nd that I get to call the 800 number and they will begin an investigation into the specific case and that could take, you guessed it, 30 days.

I really am beginning to wonder if this is wonking up his vaccination schedule. Any thoughts on this? His last round was at his 6 month wellness.

What really frustrates me is that I feel like I am either talked down to like you might placate a hysterical person or that I am not being heard at all. I am invisible.

Speaking of invisible- I no longer exist on Facebook. Turns out some lovely folks high jacked my account and then spent an evening trying to convince friends of mine that I had been robbed at gunpoint in London and needed them to wire me money via a specific link to western union. Thankfully none of my friends fell for it, but it was still rather stressful and icky. The solution was a swift change of my password on my end as well as added security questions. All was good.

Then last night, after taking the dog out around midnight, I decided to log into facebook from my phone so see if there were updates on events from two of my friends. I got the password invalid message. At first I thought I was typing it in wrong- it was, after all a new password and my fingers were not quite nimble with the memory of it.

But no. This morning when I tried to log on from my computer I was informed that my account was disabled and to contact the help section. Only when I clicked on help I got a “this page can not be loaded” message.

Before I left to pick up N&J this morning I asked Mother to just leave a message on my wall to let people know that I was dealing with account issues. Except I no longer exist. There is no me anywhere. At all. Bit of an existential moment there.

In other news I now have a date to meet my sister and her daughters. Early February. Coffee.  We have exchanged a few more pleasant e-mails. They still feel weird. This is probably because I am so very guarded and nervous. But little things are starting to surface and make me realize that this is a path that one cannot unwind. Once we meet, once children are involved, it is a thing. An event.

She asked me the other day what W called Mother. I found this a bit amusing because at the moment he just calls everyone that isn’t me, “Haaaaaaaaaay!!” And then I realized that she wanted to know because she has children that will need to call Mother something. And I had this really powerful moment of sadness over having to share the Grandmother name that Mother and I had created. Of course her kids can call Mother whatever they/she wants and they may not want to use the name W will use. But they might. And I need to get ok with that.

I will be writing more about all of this, of course, but I have to stop now because I just had this wave of emotion. I need to dial it all back.

In the midst of the insurance stuff, and the sister saga, and the N&J shuttling, W and I got to have a play date. It was our first with other babies around his age. And what made it so fucking kick ass awesome was that every child romping on the floor had a Mom from the ALI community. So we didn’t have to deal with all the possible bitter bullshit of mingling with fertile people. Not that being fertile is a bad thing, some of my good friends are fertile and I can still hang with them. Heh.

It’s just awfully lovely to not have to face an unexpected line of conversation about oops babies or the “we just look at each other and make children” or insert your version of gut punch dialogue here.

Here is the only photo I managed to get of the Alphabet people.

Did you see? Yes that is the lovely JJ featured in the photo above. And yes, this means that I got to meet her AND the O-man. And yes she is beautiful inside and out and holy goodness the O-man is just delicious. V was an excellent host to the other alphabet babies and we hope to play there again soon.

Speaking of V means that I get to write about his Mama. One of the best things about moving to this area is that I am finally making new friends. Oh sure we know each other from blogland, but there is just something magical that happens when you end up chilling on someone’s living room floor talking about baby poop, tattoos, and swaying to Mel sing hits from the Beatles on the wiiiiiiii.  V’s Mama is the kind of woman that has a solution to everything. I feel like her theme song is that 80’s hit, “aint nothing gonna break my stride”.

When I was lamenting the latest insurance woes with the room at large one of my moments of pout was that I didn‘t know how much W weighed. I don’t have a scale and I was going by the wellness visits to keep track and yadda yadda sad song. Well V’s Mama just nodded at me, validated my sadness and then swooped up the W and declared that we were going to find out how much he weighed right then and there. It was just something simple and easy but it helped chill me out so much.

And now we know that W weighs 22 pounds. So why is it that I do not have biceps to be proud of??

I am still totally behind on news and posts from our community and I hate that. I am also way delayed in setting up the fundraising for Michell and I feel awful about it. I will say that it looks like we are going to do a simple eBay auction so hopefully soon-ish we will have a spreadsheet set up so that those that wish to be involved can do so. I can’t wait!

But oh the bliss of meeting a new baby and seeing a family welcome her after years and years of sadness. Little NJ is such a cutie and an old soul. She has these elegant long fingers and the squishiest baby cheeks. It has been a delight to be able to watch N & J become Mothers.

And damn it if it didn’t start the fucking clock. You would think that my body would know that NOW is not such a good time for the lusting of a sibling for W. Jobless, mere months from uncertain living situation, no insurance, and no savings. And yet the ripple of babylust is there. The desire to have one more sticking her toe into my heart. I think it is the combination of meeting a new baby AND the reconnecting with my sibling that is making the emotion sing through even when it is totally inappropriate.

But yes. I want another one. Some day. I just wish the circumstances of my life could match up with my desires. And then of course there is that, “can I really go through another 5 years of trying??” angst that is pressing me. And age. And, and, and…

Next week Mother is going to this massive job fair in the area. She still applies for several jobs a day and touches base with the legal staffing places weekly. There is some frustration. I think we both thought that moving to the mid-Atlantic was going to be a huge leap towards the job market. I know we got here smack dab in the holidays and that hiring goes down at the end of the year. We are so so so ready for the page to turn in this chapter. It feels so unfamiliar to be this dependant on the kindness of friends to make it through. We are used to being the ones helping others. And now we are the ones that leave friend’s houses with bags of pasta and cans of veggies. Our chins are up, but the bruises are not fading from all of the knocks of life.

Well I can’t end with that waft of melancholy so I am going to share a W photo. It makes me smile. Most days that is enough. Other days I watch the muppets. See the post below.