(And before I dive in and get all blogitty blog, does anyone know what movie I would attribute “frosty beverage” to? Hint- it is NOT a John Hughes film, but a lower eschelon wannabe.)
So a dear internet friend of mine recently wrote one of those posts that sticks to your ribs and then becomes something that you think about all day, every day. Most of what I want to say today feels like it wouldn’t have come to the surface if it wasn’t for this post. (it’s a flip side of infertility post, so if you are in a bad place save it and come back to it. In fact I should say that this will also be a from the flip side post but everything I write is these days…)
And oh as I sit here I am suffering with some total smack you upside the uterus cramps. The kind of cramps that make you forget to eat all day but then suddenly force you to do something brilliant like dip a french fry in a chocolate frosty. Why isn’t there a frosty/french fry pill for these very days??
I guess what I am trying to say is that I am stupid emotional today. Like all over the place and zinging around from my heart to my head and probably losing some coherency along the way. You are kind if you continue reading…
So Christmas is usually a fucking brutal holiday season for me. At least the countdown to it. It is always stressful and tense and involves scheduling and planning and people pleasing and trying to make my round family fit into a square hole. And when there was no baby to fill the baby shaped place in my soul it made me feel the worst kind of incomplete. I know I don’t have to explain that to most of you, but it is sort of like walking around with open flesh wounds and having no one notice that you are hurt.
This year, holy fucking shit, I have a baby. I have a baby that rides around in the back of the car as holiday songs pipe through the radio. And about 80% of the songs are of the “a child is born” theme. There is no cry quite like the, “Everyone was waiting for the baby Jesus and then he finally came and then the world was all awesome and I was waiting for my child and he finally came and now so much of much of my life is awesome. ” waaaaaaaaaaah.
[please note that I do not think my son is the 2nd coming. It would be cool, however, if he grew up to be a carpenter. Or, you know, the water to wine trick would be nice...]
The really crazy complicated thing is that God and I broke up a few years ago. It was mostly amicable. Very much a, “it’s me, not you” moment. I was once one of those very wrapped up in her faith people. And while I did not think that having faith meant that you win the mega bucks lotto, I guess I did kind of get offended that so much shit was crapping on me and my family. And while I can’t say for certain that it was God or Jesus or the Universe, I needed to blame and taking off my turquoise cross from around my neck for a few years was a place to start.
[it was also freaky to associate with a religion that seemed to want to disassociate itself from people that I love.]
Cut to many months ago. Specifically when GM was declining. Suddenly I NEEDED to come back to a sort of faith because I NEEDED to believe that when she died that she would be at peace and that she would be reunited with my Grandfather. And I started watching the John Edwards shows and feeling like I might want to drunk dial a deity at some point. I didn’t want to be faithless, but I had to get over the stupid notion that faith is some sort of checking account that you can withdraw as much as you put in. Praying and believing doesn’t get you anywhere you weren’t already headed towards, but for me, praying and believing makes the journey a bit less bleak.
[I'm writing all of this as the sun is setting and I just looked up and out the window to see a fucking water color sky happening.]
The other thing that goes through my mind is how much I want to flick the people behind the Johnson and Johnson ad campaign. Because I can’t tell you how annoying it is to have a tag line following you around every day. YES. Having a baby changes everything.
Except for the stuff it doesn’t change.
Like the trunk of complicated emotions that will follow you around everywhere after you have the baby. And in this trunk there will sit all of the emotions you had before you had a baby, all crusty and nasty emotions like moth infested blankets. And there will sit the emotions you still might have when you see pregnant women or hear of women that had more ideal pregnancies or births. And the real kicker is that this trunk is forever covered with some kind of invisibility cloak because once you have a baby your world is meant to be perfect and you can’t really point behind you to the trunk and say, “oh YEAH?? But I still feel broken.” Mostly because even if you are broken there is a woman out there that is more broken and will punch you in the face for trying to even equate “post infertility but with a baby pain” with “during infertility got no baby” pain.
Which is why this weekend was especially emotional because I finally met two women that have forever changed my life. And then I got to attend N & J’s baby shower and the next day I met an entire house-full of women that had me at hello. I am quite literally overwhelmed.
[here is where I would write 10 bajillion paragraphs about the amazing Paz, but she would kick my fat ass with her beautiful and fancy shoes if I went all gushy gal on her. I will just say, for now, that she is one of those women that you feel instantly safe with, instantly at ease, and I am so fucking blessed to know her.]
[here is where I would put my love song to Mel. I think many of us have a love song for her and mine would be written by Bette Midler, sung by Meatloaf, and backed up by a rocking choir in glitter gowns. Seeing the woman that spear headed a movement that helped create your son HOLDING your son is one of the most profound moments of my life. And that is putting it mildly.]
[here is where I gush about how amazing and AWESOME it was to watch such a great couple have fancy gifts and love heaped upon them as we all countdown to Fig's arrival. And here is where I don't even attempt to explain how weepy I got watching W play with other tried-hard-for children. You get it.]
[And then here is where I just quietly say that I think I am now a member of TOOTPU. I mean I didn't finish all of the hazing but I drank a Ruby Slipper and I think that counts for something. And holy fuck do not look at the photos of me here too closely because I broke the fat girl rule and was photographed sitting down and with a flash. ooof. Thighs of the century. I win!]
So now flash forward to today. Because I am clearly sitting here with nothing to say, heh.
Besides a baby there have been a handful of other things I have pined away for on this blog. Plaid boots being a big one. And then of course the quest to find the Ikea labyrinth rug. This was casually mentioned by my Mother to my friend J. And J is some kind of craig’s list whisperer because within 24 hours she had FOUND me the rug. In CANADA. And just over two weeks later look what showed up today (thanks to some great bargaining by Mother):
I mean how do I sit still when so much has been happening? I feel like my life has been turned on. Or at least the lightbulbs got changed.
Last night W woke up just after midnight. I sat at the end of the bed and looked out the window and saw two shooting stars. It felt magical and spiritual and like a wink. I hope they are watching. I really hope that is how things happen.
Jealous of your face-to-face with TOOTPU. Thanks for the shout-out. I think having a baby can blow the lid off the crate where we sealed up all the spiritual questions… how could it not?
I so wish I could be like a long lost cousin member of TOOTPU.
Like TOOTPU-West. 
I so relate to what you’re saying. I knew having B would make me feel responsible. I didn’t realize it would make me feel RESPONSIBLE. Like responsible for him for eternity. I’m terrified of having a teenage boy. Because I’ve never been a teenage boy and have no clue how to handle him. But more than that I’m terrified of raising him to trust in God the way that I try to. I don’t want to MAKE him do anything, because forced love isn’t really love at all. I don’t know. I think I’m worrying about things beyond what I need to with a 9 month old. But it’s out there. And I worry about it.
This post makes me want to hug you…. I am not sure why! It just does!
It sounds like there are so many special people in your life right now – how dang lucky you are to have them – and even more they to have you! xoxo
♥
We are so lucky to have you. To have you here. I am so glad you were there on Saturday.
(And seriously – J gets a freaking kick out of winning at craigslist bingo. or whatever you want to call it. Also at winning against customer service.)
i was good until the shooting stars and the *wink*…
they are watching. even my dad, too…
i was driving to school today to pick up capping & pinning ceremony tickets, and i was in a mopey place. i was whispering one of those hope-of-the-maybe prayers and recalling one of your blogs expressing it as feeling like a fish and the bubble floated to the surface and when it popped, there was a barely-whispered “…please…” and that is where i was.
and then i turned up the road to campus and looked at the afternoon sky…a hint of a rainbow. and i wished for my tinted sunglasses that make these sneaky rainbows more visible… but it was enough. i watched it the whole curve of the campus road, and tears fell and i felt like it was some kind of hug and kiss from my dad. telling me its all going to be OK. and that that “…please…” prayer is heard… i am not explaining it well here At All. and i should be just blogging this on my own blog instead of prattling away on your comments.
but i just wanted to say ~ i so get the shooting star/wink moment.
and i love you my friend.
emailing you about the above-mentioned tickets.
Love it, love the first post you linked to, love your post, love the amazing technicolor tree photo, love the photos from the party, love it all! I’m so glad that everything is fitting into place for you!
Holy crap, I love you.
I am so happy you got to experience that wonderful baby shower. I am so damned jealous you live in Tootpu territory.
Totally get the having a part that feels broken but not having people recognize it.
One of these days I’m going to manage to come to one of those TOOTPU things and get to meet all of you.
This is such a beautiful post.
And I dream of being able to take photos like that tree one.
i think i will always be broken. even while my daughter toddles and is off into the world one day. I will always be infertile…..broken. so I get it. and if that isn’t a mind f(*& get this…..I sometimes feel guilty from walking away from my infertility war with a baby. imagine. guilty.
I was wondering if the “frosty beverage” is from Strange Brew or maybe Fast tImes?
I totally agree with the wanting to hug you SO HARD after reading some of your posts. You are seriously one of the BEST people to read even when you are rambling and you feel incoherent. I have never battled the battle that you and so many of your friends have, but you bring the raw emotion to life so vividly and I ache. I ache for you and for your experience, for your joy and how somehow, it just still feels broken. I don’t really know of any woman who doesn’t feel that way. I certainly do. Albeit, I didn’t have to endure the bravery of infertility, but I still wished for my child with all of my heart, I wished for the change he would bring to my life. I still feel broken. I agree with your statement – Children change everything, except everything they don’t change at all. And sometimes they raise more questions than they answer… that seems to be a running theme with me lately. I love you, I am so happy that you have such a wonderful group of women that you can physically hang out with and who support you so whole-y. You are so loved.
PS – That picture of the watercolor sky is stunning!!!! You should submit it to National Geographic.
Unless I totally misunderstood you, It sounds like, maybe, the ‘broken’ doesn’t feel quite so jagged. And that is JUST FINE. It’s good to be able to be healed. (((HUGS)))
Can’t believe I met Cali (she’s everything you’d expect, with the face of a hollywood star of yesteryear) and I went to TOOTPU. Somewhere in my wicked childhood, I must have done something mighty good to deserve so much good.
And! I met – and even held – W! He flirted with me, I flirted back, he mumbled something like ‘yeah, I’ll go back to my mama now please.’
It was fun, we must meander again sometime.
I’m so glad that things seem to be looking up for you and your family. So far, this move seems like it has been the most awesome decision for you. And can I just say that W gets cuter each day???!!!!
Wow. I totally get your ideas and morphing views on religion. I’m there with you. I don’t think I believe in Jesus Christ or God, but I want to. I really really do. I know it helps people who have fairth to weather tough times. And I want that kind of back up support for my son should he need it in the future. Without any prompting be me, T has been asking to go to church on Sundays. I said we’d go, and I saw one church on the way to his school that might be interesting, but we’ve overslept or whatever and it hasn’t happened yet. But part of me feels like I’m pretending and even lying to my son about God and Jesus–very much like I so with Santa Claus. It doesn’t come from my heart, but I’d like him to buy into it so it might help along his long and crooked path in life. You know?
Wonderful post. I must say, it warmed my heart to see the photo of Mel holding W on her blog (& now yours). She had a lot to do with him getting here!
That rug is beyond awesome! What a great mom you have to finagle it for you.
You know, I think you’re getting dogma mixed up with faith. Just because some church-type people embrace ideas that are hateful and mean doesn’t mean that God is cruel. You might find answers at a Spiritualist church, if there’s a good one near you. John Edwards is a showman first and foremost but that doesn’t mean our departed loved ones aren’t healed and happy somewhere very close to us. And if we watch and listen very carefully we can occasionally catch a glimpse of them and realize how they’re still present in our lives.
You already have an astonishing miracle in the form of W. Go back and read some of your old posts where you were crushed and convinced that you’d never have a baby of your very own. And there are more miracles to come, I’m convinced of it.
OMG! The Mel & W photo made me yip out loud! : ) And that sky — wow.
Thank heavens for all these lovely women, without whom we’d all feel much more broken than we already do …