When W wants to express his frustrations about the world around him he resorts to thwacking his limbs on whatever surface is closest to him. If it is 3am and he feels that it is time to be released from his pack and play he will thwack both legs in a sort of super aggressive Pilate’s move until I pick him up. If it is time for a clean diaper he will thwack his diaper changing pillow with both his legs and his arms in protest of being PUT DOWN. If he is in need of something that he just can’t articulate then he will thwack you with his head.
Today we spent just over 6 hours in an overly heated and loud and three rows deep with people waiting room to speak to someone about getting W on state children’s health coverage. I had completed the online application this morning and then realized that I needed some help on a few of the more in depth questions. I called the local agency and was told to just come on down. I made lunch for Mother & W and then coerced Mother to come with to help entertain W.
[so I had written tons and tons more and then clicked something stupid on my computer by mistake and all of the angsty shit I had written vanished. I guess it's for the best that you are all spared my complete hemorrhaging of emotions. You just get the fun stuff I processed on the drive home.]
To sum it up: the wait was hours and hours and hours (like I said, over 5 if you want to take a moment to thank the computer gods for deleting all of those paragraphs). And when I was finally called up to the window I found out that my on-line application was not in the system. (just mine, other people that had applied online were all up in the system) And so I had to apply AGAIN. In paper. After waiting over 5 hours. (have I mentioned that?)blah blah blah it sucked.
So as I am once back at the window being “helped” by a woman that had filled her smile quota for the month I felt so emotionally thwacked. (see? I was totally going to beautifully weave the “theme” of thwacking. Damn unsaved paragraphs!!!) Nothing quite like having to explain to a woman that will. not. look. UP. your life story. Including words such as donor sperm, never married, documents to “suffice paternity”, I was my Grandmother’s caregiver, my Grandmother died, My Mother has been unable to find work since February, we have no savings… And basically realizing as the sob story is pouring out that if something doesn’t happen soon we are just a few long weeks away from being homeless.
And then feeling like a complete LOSER of a parent because I don’t fucking have health insurance of my own that I can just add W to. Instead I have to throw myself at the mercy of government assistance and hope and pray that there will be no gap in coverage.
Guess what- you can’t have coverage in two states. So in order to GET coverage in this state I have to drop his coverage in Florida. Which means that if there is a delay in my current state W may not have coverage. And this is not ok. I have accepted that individual health insurance for me is something that probably won’t be able to happen for a while. But I don’t ever want to have to worry about W. It took a team of people to convince me, but if I can get a letter from Florida faxed to the new state’s social services office ASAP then there will only be a month delay. But this would be an ok delay as it would keep W covered for the month of December from one state and then he would be enrolled in new state by January. See how fun my evening was?
It’s all entirely too complicated and frustrating and dehumanizing and exhausting. And while I can sort of pull back and squint at the situation and see that I am doing the best I can for W, I still can’t shake the BAD PARENT chatter in there. It all just feels so entirely unfair to him that this is how my life has panned out. I never expected the bottom to sag and nearly fall out.
oh, honey. i love you. you are an awesome parent. shut that chatter the eff up. five hours is crazy-making.
Florida mailed me a bunch of documents on how to document paternity.
You aren’t a bad parent. You are a great parent and W is lucky to have you.
Sounds like the system is thwacking you. I don’t know what kind of parent you are, but the fact that you worry about whether your boy is going to have insurance coverage or a month’s delay indicates that you’re a pretty good one. Keep up the good work. Every mom (well, those who will admit it) feels like she doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing every now and again.
Oh, D. *hugs you muchly* The bad parent chatter needs to go away. I know it won’t, but please don’t listen to it. You ARE doing the best, and as I said earlier, I said you’re doing what’s needed to be done to keep W safe. And that is ALL that matters. All.
The time I had to spend 5 hours at the DMV to get a license and then was told I couldn’t, I quite literally burst into tears in the middle of the crowded room. Bureaucracy is maddening and disheartening, even without all the BS that society puts on those of us who need a little help.
I’m so sorry.
This seems big and symbolic in how you parent him now, but I think it’s just a temporary thing. In decades to come it will be an anomaly, and you’re doing the absolute best you can.
Darling, besides all the wonder of your every day parenting, just advocating for W in this way, going through 5 hours of what would make many parents crumble in half the time, and really truly caring about him, makes you the parent I hope I can be someday. I am so sorry you have such shit to muck through, but I have no doubt that you can and will be somewhere higher and greener soon. May we all have health care for every single person young big small and old in this country. And soon.
Sweetie, this is Not Your Fault. The social services system is set up to screw single parents, and it’s been this way for years. My mom is a single parent too–she never told my dad about me because he was already gone by the time she found out that after 10 years of IF, she was finally, miraculously pregnant. When she had trouble getting social services for me when I was born in 1985, she was told that you needed to have proof of paternity before the state would do anything for you. Same thing for my cousins’ babies in 2004 and 2008. Being pushy, getting in there every day, calling around, going to extremes is what finally won coverage for all of us. You are doing all you can to advocate for W, and I have faith it will work out for you.
You are a great mother. You do everything in your power for that little boy. I hope, that if I ever manage to succeed in staying pregnant to term, I will be anywhere near as good at being a mom as you are. ((hugs))
Hugs honey, you are a WONDERFUL PROACTIVE parent!!! You are doing the best you can with the cards you have been dealt and at some point you are going to look back and see how all of these challenges have made you and your family into stronger people. You girls should also look into Kaiser Permanente they have a little bit of a sliding scale on health care so you can pay really low monthly fees but a higher co-pay just incase you need them and I believe since W is under 2 all of his medical care is free. We have KP and I haven’t paid for one visit for my daughter. E-mail if you want more info. I know money is tight so I’m just throwing this out as a place to keep in mind for when things start to change.
We all have our own reasons for thinking we are awful parents. I, for one, grew up in a house where we relied for a while on food stamps and other forms of public assistance because my dad got really sick and was out of work for a while, and my mom just couldn’t support a family of four on a secretary’s salary. So we relied on family and friends and the government when necessary. It’s what it’s there for. It’s why we all pay taxes. It won’t be permanent. You guys will find a way through this. And I happen to have an extra bedroom that I would gladly let you use before I would let W. land on the street.
You’re not a bad parent at all. You’re a human being going through a rough time who is nonetheless doing everything she can for her son. That sounds like good parenting to me.
Oh my goodness, your story gave me flashbacks to the time when I had to get new social security card. It. Was. Awful. And, oh yeah, I wasn’t able to get it that day and had to go back again for a second round.
Okay, so regarding the chatter? You said it best when you said you are doing the best you can for W. You’re organized and on-the-ball when it comes to taking care of him. None of this could have been anticipated. You did the best you could, you are doing the best you can, you will do what is best for him in the future. You are an amazing mother and he is lucky to have you. Very lucky, indeed, I would say.
You are doing so well. The fact that you even THINK about W getting insured proves it. And to wade through the red tape and wait and wait and call and fax, etc. Amazing, amazing parent, that’s what you are.
You’re doing an amazing job. Really. Amazing. Sending you big hugs and wishes for easier days to come. As always, let us know if we can help in any way at all.
You are doing everything absolutely right. Our health care system has failed YOU and deserves a big THWACK. But I have hope that things are heading in the right direction, for you and for everyone else in your situation and I’m just hoping with all I have that it happens soon.
Good parenting sometimes doesn’t look the way we think. Sometimes it means accepting help, from friends, family, wherever you can find it, and knowing that that is not a sign of weakness.
Spending five hours advocating for your son and making sure he is taken care of sounds like the definition of good parenting to me so no more thwacking yourself (that sounds kind of dirty, doesn’t it?)
Sweetie, you are one of the best parents I “know”. You are always doing your best for your boy and his life has been filled with so much love since the day he arrived and even before. You are a champion mother – it’s the system that is wrong, wrong, wrong. Hoping you can keep that in your mind and take it easy on yourself.
Oh darlin, you are such a good momma, and the system totally sucks. I felt like a horrible parent for the past several years because my W. was uninsured. We absolutely COULD NOT afford private health insurance and yet somehow made too much (by whose standards we could never figure out) to be on CHIP. The instant they raised the income requirement we were all over it and he is now fully covered. I have not had health insurance since W. was 2. Cale has been on different private insurers through his work in the healthcare field, but we needed the take home pay and couldn’t afford the extreme premiums to add W. and I to the plans.
You gave up a career and devoted your life to taking care of your Grandmother who needed you for several years, in return you have been royally screwed by not only the government, but sometimes by the Universe it seems. Throughout it all you have managed to keep your head held high, you have managed to advocate for the people closest to you, you have managed to share a most inspiring story, you have been able to come through some of life’s darkest moments with a chuckle, and you have inspired the love and admiration of so many. Although this moment is scary and vast in the unknown – I know that you will all pull through this bigger and better than before. There is no way a single one of us would EVER let you go homeless, hungry or anything else. You are so loved.
Hey, at least you spent 5 hours trying to sort it out! That means you are a thoughful, careful, loving parent.
(((hugs)))
You are his advocate and he’s lucky to have you. Good days are coming my dear. Wishing I could give send you some bottled up hugs then you could just take one out whenever you needed. I hate saying hang in there because it sounds so… cliche or cop-out-y or something. But I just know that if you hang in there, we’ll help keep you afloat and amazing things will come your way.
You’re not a bad parent. Never ever ever.
That all sounds very stressful. I hope things work out fine and he has the needed coverage. Also hoping that things work out in the job department for mom and that things start to look much better soon.
You are not a bad parent. We are a bad society for not recognizing that we all belong to each other, and being able to maintain the health of ourselves and our children should not be tied to elusive jobs.
I feel guilty and like I have bad parent chatter already for all kinds of things and mine isn’t even BORN yet! ;P Don’t feel alone.
i am sending a hearty THWAK to that recorder thats muttering the “bad parent” stuff into your head…and then i am sending BIG HUGS and LOVE to YOU (and W and Mother, of course)
you are doing the best you can and YOU ARE A GOOD MOM!!! you are getting him what he needs even if it means enduring the people who wont look UP or smile. THAT is a good mom ~ one who doesnt give up
oh. and i love you!
5 hours?!!! That is absolutely insane.
Smacking you in the face, sorry you needed it. Ok, now back to you remember how great you really are.
You’re not a bad parent at all. A bad parent would hand W. to you mom and go out clubbing for a few days. Or weeks.
You’re taking care of business in a responsible way. At some point, this crap will all be over and you’ll have new crap to deal with. it’s just life.
I’ve found that gratitude helps immensely in rough times. You have the baby that you thought you;d never have. You have your mom. You’re young and healthy. And so on. Things could be much, much worse.