There are a bajillion things on my todo list right now. BA-jillion. I have thank you cards to write to so many people that helped in the final weeks with Grandmother, notes to write to friends of my Grandmother, a house that does not clean itself (WTF, house. Why can’t you clean up after yourself??!), laundry that manages to make it to the dryer but never seems to exit the dryer creating a fucked up cycle where I end up dressing and diapering W directly from the laundry room, people to call, people to e-mail, floors to mop, garages to clean out, things to sell.
And did I mention that sleep training has begun?
Ah. Sleep training. It is hard.
And once I claw out from my todo list I need to get out my thoughts on all the STUFF that sleep training is boiling up inside of me. I mean who would have thought that enforcing a schedule would make me so damn weepy. I love schedules.
Ok, fine, this stuff is going to come out now. There is no stopping me. So I worked for years and years to make W. And part of me lives in absolute fear that I will fuck him up somehow. From the beginning I gravitated towards a non scheduled, on demand, go with your gut/instinct approach. I saw my relationship with W as one of ultimate and radiating love and affection. I vowed that he would always feel safe, secure, protected.
And sleep training is forcing me to step back and accept that in order to love and protect this boy I need to PARENT him. Because lawd knows he is not just putting himself to bed and falling asleep all on his own.
But it rips my heart out to go through this. It feels so wrong and against the grain. It feels like I am punishing him. However, and here is where you can rethink that comment you were going to leave me about how I need to grow a pair, I know that helping him sleep is what needs to happen. And I am realizing that as much as I want to smoosh and love and cuddle this boy he will only thrive when he has someone to guide him on this journey of growing up.
Last night we began our own little process. Sleep training soup, if you will. A bit of this method and that method and he went to sleep*. Of course genius that I am didn’t think to notify my boobs that there was a change-a-coming. So around 3am I woke up in the most horrible pain EVER. Someone had replaced my boobs with giant, hurting, leaking, melons. OW!!!
I went down stairs and saw that W was stirring a bit and just scooped him up and nursed him. And then we both fell asleep and didn’t wake up until almost 7am.
Woooooo!
Tonight I think I will try to pump before I go to bed and be ready to nurse him at some point around 2 or 3 and then put him back in the crib.
Oh and did I mention that I am also working within a day time schedule as well? I needed something to follow and since I thrive on routine I thought I should try to be more routine with W. This has been hard to do in the last months as most of our time was in orbit around GM’s needs. So schedule it is. And for those that are curious this is the one that resonates with me.
*It should be largely noted that Mother is really helping with the sleep stuff. In the beginning I was afraid that we were not on the same page in terms of HOW to begin. But once I had voiced my fears and anxieties and had my emotional well up we came up with a plan that we both felt was worth a try.
And now one final treat, an early Halloween offering to you so that no one eggs my blog. This is what W sounds like when he is amused.
(having trouble with audio, now with a link!)
I think I missed the sounds of the laughing, but I will come back later to hear it.
You do what you need to. The best part about being a mom is doing whatever you think is best for that little peanut, no matter what anyone else thinks!
No sounds for me, either, but I’m so glad that you and your mother have gotten vaguely on the same page. And this is just the first of many things you’ll feel like are bad, but are really just part of being a good mother. You’re a great one.
have a link up now that should work…
Sleep training is hard as hell, but trust me, if I can do it, you can to, love. It works. Trust me.
Read the link – essentially what Happy Baby Healthy Sleep Habits says. Good for you for finding one that works. Nap during day = sleep at night. Sleep begets sleep. Blah, blah, blah! The only bad parts are when the baby decides to drop a nap and then you just advance bedtime up 30-40 minutes (yes there may be days where bedtime is 6pm). Does suck being the parent who has to enforce the “rules” but well worth it when it comes to sleep. Hope all goes well with sleep training.
What an adorable sound!
I remember have trouble with my son crying at bed time. I made a plan of attack:
Create a routine so he knew what came next and could be ready for bed in his little mind.
Darken the room, and lay him down in his crib and sing my songs (the same songs in the same order, always) as I played with he hair. Put on some white noise*.
Kiss good night.
Leave the room.
Wait outside the room, out of view and bite nails as I count down 5 minutes of crying time.
Go into room after 5 minuts if he’s still crying and rub his back, give reassurance (don’t pick him up unless he’s in physical pain or wedged somewhere he shouldn’t be) and softly say good night.
Go out of room and wait 7 minutes, usually mom and I staring at each other, nibbling on our fingers, wondering if we can stand it any longer, but both of us giving strength to the other to wait it out.
If still screaming, repeat the above reassurance. Repeat as many times as needed until your son is asleep.
But often he was quiet by this stage.
It only takes a few nights of this routine for your child to learn to settle himself and sleep on his own.
* A white noise maker is also helpful to make a soothing sound but also signify to your child that it is now sleep time.
Good luck. I know you both will come out victorious! And well rested!
Best of luck with your sleep training. It doesn’t seem to be off to a bad start.
That video is so cute. Yay W! His laugh sounds a lot like Miles’ laugh. Are they all programmed to sound like that?
I am with you… since I am such a type A personality and like schedules, routines, and lists… I thought maybe I would parent with a schedule. But, I found myself especially at the beginning being the exact opposite. I nursed on demand and did not make my son follow a particular schedule. We had certain “routines” but I did not like the word schedule when it came to him. My ultimate goal was for him to feel nutured and loved and aside from that did it really matter if he went to bed at 8 versus 10 if I KNEW he was getting the appropriate amount of sleep? Once I went back to work when he was 4 months old though.. I knew things would have to change slightly. But, no matter what I was not going to let him CIO and I did stick to my guns…. and for us that worked. As he has gotten older, the sleep thing has gotten much easier and we eased our way in to more of a routine. He goes to bed without fuss and rarely wakes up in the middle of the night anymore. But, I did kinda let him grow out of that on his own. Many people “tried” to tell me that I would have to be the one who stopped him from doing that, but I followed my gut and had faith that he would eventually grow out of the middle of the night wakings and he did! I know every situation is different, etc and you have to do with what works for you, but I have no doubts you will master it! You are doing a terrific job and don’t ever doubt yourself!
First of all, you are doing awesome. Know that.
Second of all, here is something that I think I read at Moxie that works well during the days for us (these are the days she is home with me and not at daycare obviously). It is called the 2-3-4 rule, or something similar (to lazy to find link). Whatever time W wakes for the day, 2 hours later put him down for a morning nap. Then 3 hours after he wakes up from the morning nap, put him down for an afternoon nap. Then 4 hours after waking from the afternoon nap, put him down for the night.
For us it looks like this: Girl wakes up around 7:00am and then goes down for morning nap around 9:00am. Wakes up again around 10:30 or 11:00 and then goes down for afternoon nap around 2:00pm. Wakes at around 3:30 or 4:00pm and then goes down for the night at 7:30pm. She nurses pretty much consistently every three hours starting at 6:00am (she nurses and goes back to sleep until around 7:00) and has “lunch” of rice cereal and two cubes of fruit around 12:30ish and “dinner” of rice cereal and two cubes of veggies at around 5:30pm. The solids don’t really effect the nursing every three hours. And (knock on wood) she sleeps straight every night from 7:30pm until 6:00am. (And my boobs have adjusted…when she wakes at 6:00 she nurses on one side and I pump the other and then we are good to go for the day).
I know all babies are different but my girl and W are close in age and this is what works for us so I thought I would share. Hope it helps!
Oh and I keep wondering, how has W getting teeth changed breast feeding? Any issues? Biting? Just wondering…I live in fear of The Girl sprouting teeth…
I promise you as a mother of three kids (2,4 and 6) that sleep training will NOT fuck him up. PROMISE! And I don’t take promises lightly.
heheheh “grow a pair” that cracks me up. Glad you have your mother’s support… sleep training would be really hard alone. Daniel sounds a lot like that when he laughs and he laughs more every month that goes by. LOVE IT
I pretty much followed the same schedule with all three of mine, except they took their mid day nap closer to 12. I just like having all three of them napping at the same time.
Having a schedule will not only make W even happier, but mommy as well.
You can do it!
Oh damn–that is a good laugh.
I think the two most painful things thus far (parentingwise) have been sleep training and potty training. In both cases, my tears were tied to their tears. It is hard to see them struggling to learn something, but the aftermath is so damn good when they’re rested/um…not covered in shit. Sending strength. You will both emerge through this and be better rested for it too.
LOVE THE LAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Once you get W on a good sleep schedule, you will be sooooooo grateful to be able to plan & schedule your day better! Just be patient, it will work.
xoxo
Sleep training SUUUUUUUCKS. A LOT. But it worked for us. I highly suggest talking to Farah on Facebook chat. That is what I did. She is very helpful and sympathetic.
I’ve learned to embrace that fact that I’m probably going to mess up my kids in some way. But it will have been with the best intentions.
Sleep training was so much harder the first time around because I couldn’t stand to hear my boy cry. But now that we have regular tears over “you got ketchup on the bread,” and “there are bubbles in my milk,” it isn’t as hard.
That laugh is fabulous and I HATED sleep training…big time. You have my sympathy.
Damn, reading about sleep made m e sleepy. You apparently have me trained, because I have suddenly become too tired to leave a good comment. But I hope the boy learns to sleep. Yes, something like that… my eyes are closing…
FWIW – I hated sleep training, too. (Who likes it, really?) What helped me was the realization that my efforts to soothe were actually keeping her awake. We would spend as long soothing to sleep as the nap would last, and when she would fall asleep, she was an overtired mess, and I wasn’t much better. That said, it was never, ever easy for me to listen to her cry. I would try to get to a part of the house where I couldn’t hear her and turn the volume way down on the monitor. Another thing to keep in mind (and it sounds like this is already part of your calculus, but it’s always a good reminder for us moms) is that W has needs, but so do you, and you can only meet his if yours are being met sometimes, too.
I hear you on todo lists. I keep thinking “next week will be normal without so much to do in the morning.” So far not happening.
Good luck with the sleep training. I hope it goes reasonably well.
My mother’s theory of parenting was that we should do it as dogs and cats do – you raise them the best you can and as soon as they can do it by themselves, you push them out of the nest and make them do it alone. I think we sometimes needlessly prolong the dependence period because there is something smooshy and lovely about it. I include myself in this on sleep and many, many other issues. But I have the teenager, a constant reminder that the actual goal is to LET THEM GROW UP and have a life of their own. And we have to help them learn all the things they need to know to live that life! Amazing! I think sleep was totally the first arena in which I had to face that realization, too, and that is one of the reasons it is so emotional. It’s lovely to be the one helping them and caring for their every need. But ultimately it MUST be on them to care for themselves. Your other commenters probably think I am a total bitch but whatever. You totally know what I mean.
My heart just totally melted with W’s laughs.
Cali–sleep training is hard. I GET what you wrote about feeling that it is cruel in some way, but necessary. We did a mix and match approach to it as well and its seeming to work.
Re: W laughs. I have to tell you that when I played it, my V (13 months) came running into the room. “Where’s the baby?” she asked with her eyes. Then she laughed, laughed, laughed. W and V laughing together. So sweet!
Good luck with the routine and schedule. It seems like you’ve got the right idea by finding a routine that seems most closely aligned with what W is already doing.
We put our baby on a routine at 6wks – I watched him for a couple of days and then intervened to adjust things a little bit. It is amazing to have a more predictable day. He still woke up once or twice a night and then I sleep trained him at 3mths (about 4 weeks ago) and he has slept straight through the night (7pm – 7am) since.
According to his paedatrician (& the midwife who delivered him and based on the research I did), most babies can sleep a 6-8hour stretch without needing a feed once they are over 12lbs.
I assume W is over 12lbs so you should feel confident that you are not leaving him hungry.
Good luck
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