I really appreciate all of the extremely thoughtful comments on my last post. The truth is, this story, as most real life is, is complicated. Friends that have known me for years have trouble keeping track of all of the complicated. And while part of me wants to cut open my heart and share as much as I can about this part of my life I also know that this is a story with several players. In fact I play only a small part. I am the baby sister and before I came to be there was an entire universe of chaos already in motion.
Basically it isn’t for me to share in its entirety. But I will share some of the stuff that is unique to my perspective. But you should know that my perspective is very limited.
I have a sister. I have a father. I would not know either of them if I saw them in the grocery store. My father and his family were responsible for raising my sister. My Mother and her family were responsible for raising me. Our upbringings were extremely different.
This is where it gets kind of hard for me to write about because I feel so much sympathy for my sister. If you knew what she had been through you would as well. Her life and the exposure to many unsavory and cruel elements brought out a tough survivalist mentality.
For most of my life I had this technicolor futuristic vision that one day my sister and I would meet, as adults, and be able to get to know each other. Be friends even. We had a handful of meetings in our youth and none of them ended well. And yet still I hoped that time, distance from the circumstances that were out of our control, would create a bond.
This is where I remind you that I am a hopeful person by nature. I think the best of a person for sometimes too long. I am the person that would pick at the scab of an infected friendship and hope for fresh and new skin underneath even though the picking of such things usually is the beginning of a mess and an even bigger scab.
I am needy. I am clingy. I am forever searching for happy endings.
And I have been hurt. Many times I have been hurt by my sister.
When I wrote in my last post that I search for her every two to three years that is almost a sort of personal growth moment for me. I used to search more often. It used to be a bit of an obsession.
But you have to understand I have this crazy ideal reunion moment in my mind. And I know this is not what it would be. I know this. Trust me.
I guess what brought about the flutter of hope emotions was that the search discovery (yes, via internet) yielded something that touched me. A baby registry! Oh and how my mind raced to the possibilities. I even entertained a paragraph of thought where I fantasized that she could even be blogging. And maybe she was a reader of my blog. And she didn’t know it was me. And then, and then…
Yesterday morning I voted in my own poll. And I voted that I should send a gift and hope for a reconciliation. But by the time I was getting ready for bed last evening the ebb and flow of emotions had me a bit more stoic.
For starters, like many of you mentioned, I have no way of knowing, for certain, that a baby registry equals, well, a baby. I also had to think how I would feel if my sister had found my registry and sent something for W.
What it all adds up to is a sort of harsh truth that I need to accept. I am the one doing all of the searching. If she had any interest in being in contact with me I am VERY findable. Maybe there is a reason why she is off the grid. Maybe I am just picking at a scab that should just be healed and left alone.
I know that I will always pine for some sort of relationship that could never happen. That is just who I am. But now that there is a way to get in touch I am pausing in, I don’t know, some sort of respect of privacy?
{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }
I still don’t know the whole story, of course, but I don’t think it is too much of an invasion of privacy if you sent her a little token gift and a nice note. Something like what you wrote here. That gives her the opportunity to ignore your advance if that is what she wants. But I totally understand too if you decide not to.
Im sorry you are in this delicate situation…I would crave that relationship, but it would also make me wonder if she was searching for me. I know you will make a decision you are comfortable with–for me, I most likely would send a note–that way I would know I did my part, and I could let it go…
Oh Calli, I’m sorry. I have a stepsister that I have seen twice. Not once in 20 years. And I have thought about trying to find her, but.
Yes, it’s a tragic thing, but some things are better left undone.
I have a whole family that I barely know, complete with 4 siblings. They contact me now and then, and guilt trip me for never visiting. Yet all of my attempts to do so are ignored or addressed with a cold shoulder.
To me, it’s not worth it. But I am stubborn and hold a terrible grudge (something that, ironically, I get from that side), and so it is easy for me to harden my heart.
Just wanted to let you know that I understand just a little, and whatever you decide is ok as long as it is what you really want and not what you feel like people expect you to do.
This sounds many layered and so hard. I have long lost half siblings (4 of them), though I suppose they’re not lost because we have a relative who sends out all of our addresses to each other every year. That is how I found out that when we moved to a new state one of the sibs was about 20 miles from my city. I’ve never contacted him, for many reasons I think it should be his job. Anyway, all this is to say that I know that desire to reach out and the hesitation as well. I hope you can know your sister one day.
I think sending a letter or something wouldn’t be so bad, but only you can answer that as I don’t know the exact hurt she’s caused you. Hopefully she does have a baby and you will maybe have that in common. Being a mother has definitely helped me let bygones be bygones and start anew with some things… maybe that bug bit her too and she’d be willing to reconcile. Good luck!
When my son was born I was sent cards and even gifts by the most unlikely of people. I really felt it was a celebration of his life, a welcome to the world to him and had very little to do with me. Everyone loves a baby, and despite what you feel for her or vice versa, the baby is an innocent being in all of this and deserves the love of the universe. Life is very short. I would send a gift for sure, with zero expectations of anything in return. I would send a note anonymous or not saying how wonderful it is to hear of the new baby and that being a new mother yourself you just thought you’d reach out and help celebrate. Like a random act of kindness, a good karma exercise, I don’t see how it could go wrong. Send something small, something that could be a keepsake, so in your mind you can imagine them holding on to it. Maybe something with a date–2009 new baby picture frame? something like that. I wouldn’t think it was stalkerish to have found out on the internet, or weird. but I wouldn’t really mention it, just a short note, you can elaborate later (if and when you do reunite). that’s my 2 cents anyway
I have a half brother (my dad’s son from his first marriage) who I have never met, but my “real” brother has met him. For a little while, I had this nostalgic idea of meeting him, but with him, the biggest issue is that he is a morphine and heroin addict and will and has done anything to stay that way (including stealing from family members). And he seems to spend more time in prison than out. Alas… nothing like your relationship with your sister, but similar in that I think I am like you, always hoping for something… but Carey and my “real” brother had to reason with me and tell me that I was idealizing and romanticizing the whole situation.
Ask yourself this… if you are OK with getting no response to a gift and a note or a more direct rejection from your sister… IF you would truly be OK were that to happen when you reached out to her then, there is no harm in trying. What’s the worst thing that could happen? That she not respond? That she respond and say that she doesn’t want contact? Well what’s the difference? That’s what you have now… no contact.
I recently reconnected with my father after 31 years. I tried when I was 12 and his wife at the time told me he wasn’t interested in me. (Later I found out that he never knew I called.) It took me another 24 years to try again… and now we have a decent relationship and I have a good relationship with all my family from his side. I’m still really pissed that I had to do all the reconnecting/reaching out, but it worked out and I got what I wanted – a relationship with him and my family on that side. So I say keep trying… especially since she has a baby (hopefully she does, you would think that if something happened she wouldn’t still have the registery up) they make people think of the future and their children’s future. If nothing else maybe you can connect with her so that years down the road W can know his cousin. So if you are OK with her rejecting you – go ahead and try.
Oh hon, that is such a tough situation. Maybe you could send a note. Maybe just say, “I saw the info and wanted to say hi. Here’s where to find me if you would like to talk.” Then, it’s in her hands.
I’ve been hoping for years that my mother would love me as much as she loves my brother, and it never stops hurting. And I never give up hope, even when it’s completely stupid to do so.
The worst response would be no response back right? So if you can handle that silence then send a small note and a small token gift. The best response would be a reunion – as my other half says, hope for the best expect the worst. I think also when you’re looking for someone there may be extenuating circumstances in their lives that maybe make it seem like they aren’t reaching out. Not that I know half or any of the story between you and your sister but just a thought. Whatever your choice be at peace with the direction you choose. I barely keep in touch with my younger sibling but I do keep at it several times a year. Not sure why exactly but I feel that need to connect to someone who I’m related to. Hope is what makes us human and I hope that whatever you do it works out.
Just go ahead and send a little note. Maybe not a gift as you don’t know for sure if there is a baby involved, but a note/card/email can’t hurt. This way she MAY contact you back or not, but prepare yourself the best you can either way it turns out. So sorry for your longing and hope that the hurt does not intensify, but gets better. xoxoxoxoxo
I wish I knew more of the story because there are circumstances where I wouldn’t even take the advice I am going to give.
But I say reach out. Think of how miserable it would be if you had found an obituary instead of a baby registry. Currently you have the chance of relationship. It might not be that way forever.
I think good reunions are a product of time–hitting the person at the right place and the right time. Hit them too soon and it’s a disaster. Hit them too late and it can’t work. How do you know the right time? Well, you don’t. I really think it’s a matter of luck. And perhaps it is simply fate rearing its head that you found her registry now. I would run with it if it feels right in your heart. Write her and tell her how you’ve looked for her and why you’re contacting her. And see if she responds. If she’s not ready now, she still might be later.
My heart is with you–that’s a really really hard situation.
On a lighter note…I love your blonde hair in this pic and how it’s sticking up!! Too cute!!
I am changing my original vote. I agree with Tiffany, that if you are ok with your sister not responding to you after you send her something, than I say go for it. You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.
she could have found you online and could be experiencing the same feelings you are. i encourage you to attempt some form of communication- because you really haven’t gotten anything to lose, have you?
good luck with whatever you chose, my thoughts are with you.
How sad. I’m sorry that it feels like things are difficult to bridge with her. I too would think that maybe a little note or small gift might be ok but also understand why maybe you don’t want to. I hope that someday things can be worked out between the two of you and that you might have a relationship with her.
I heard a little about this from your mom, and it was just so sad, and honestly hard to get out of my mind. I’m so sorry. It does strike me as odd to think of it as a privacy issue, but I don’t know all the details of course. It just sounds like a tragedy.
I found (I think) my first son on Facebook. It’s so hard, isn’t it?
I haven’t read through all the comments yet, but is it possible she is hesitating because she also thinks you don’t want to be in touch? Or maybe she feels weird or guilty about the past so she’s avoiding take that step?
I am like you, very optimistic. I have to think that it’s never too late. At my wedding, I had to seat a brother and a sister who are in their 70s/80s at two separate tables (at their mutual request) due to an argument they had in the 1980s. That made me sad b/c, trust me, I have complicated relationships with some relatives, and it has been extremely difficult to maintain contact during certain times, but you really can never hope too much when it comes to family.
Maybe if you prime yourself to be prepared that your relationship with your sister will never be exactly the way you want, maybe some good can come out of some kind of contact with her?
Ah Cali.
This post tugs at me- I do not know my own mother, brothers or extended family because of a messy and complicated situation. I am very findable. They never looked.
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Oh how sad, yet so common. Please share your stories with us on http://www.daughtersandmoms.com a new women’s website about our tumultuous relationships.
Wow, Cali. I don’t know what to think. I have a dear friend who has 7 siblings who grew up together and a few of them he hasn’t seen or spoken to in decades! No particular reason, they just don’t have much in common. I think he’s ok w/it, that’s “just the way it is.” I guess being a sibling isn’t always the cellular connection w/all hope it should be. Reading all this makes me SO grateful for the uber-close relationship I have w/my sister. We are thick as thieves. I am blessed.
What does your MOM think?
I wish you peace of mind in whatever choice you make.
Hugs all round from AZ.
A very difficult situation, and I honestly don’t know what I would do. Well, not true, I know that I would not make contact…and I am in the minority on this it seems like.
My Granny’s father left when she was little. She learned later that he had more than one “wife” – and more than one family. My Mom always wondered about this man, whom she met only once as a child, her grandfather. She didn’t even know his real name – she only knew him as “Dock.” When I was heavy into my genealogy phase, I found him, this man who had been missing from her life. And just finding him opened a whole can of emotional worms that I think may have best been left shoved in a pantry somewhere. We decided, in the end, not to make any contact. I know not everyone would make that same choice.
I’m going to try to make this story short. My parents met in the army. My dad was married and had a 2yr old daughter. He considered himself seperated bc he was stationed in another state and they were having problems. A year later my mom got pregnant with me. He went back home to his wife in NY. My mom kept in touch w/ his family. I last talked to him when i was 4. I searched endlessly for him @ 15 and found his address via the internet. It turned out to be my sister’s address as he had been divorced and moved out many years earlier. We had a lovely reunion. I found a ton of extended family and my sister had just had a baby boy. Ten years later our relationship is still estranged. I always longed for a sister. The first few years i spent time getting to know my dad. Then i worked on my sister. When she had another baby we seemed to really get closer but its hard being in another state. I envy the memories she has as a child with my dad. I always feel like an outsider when i visit. We are more like aquaintances than sisters. I used to have an idea in my head of what they would be like…i dont think you ever get over that disappointment. I still try with them both bc i do have that hole. So in your case i get why you still want to reach out. My family doesnt reach out either but i think they still care. So keep trying if you want a relationship bc then you know at least you did that. However dont let your guard down in case she doesnt feel the same. Hopefully if she did have a baby she’ll want you and W to be a part of her life., ‘
I agree with Jen. I think she is both wise and wonderful.
And this:
This is where I remind you that I am a hopeful person by nature. I think the best of a person for sometimes too long. I am the person that would pick at the scab of an infected friendship and hope for fresh and new skin underneath even though the picking of such things usually is the beginning of a mess and an even bigger scab.
I am needy. I am clingy. I am forever searching for happy endings.
You could have written this about me. So if you need to bounce something like this off someone who has similar issues, feel free.
I have had to learn to put people in artificial categories that I normally wouldn’t to stop being hurt so much.
I’m late to the party on this, and I am not a frequent commenter, but I will only say “be careful what you wish for”. I don’t mean this coldly, but as a serious consideration. Blood connections can mean everything, nothing, and many things in between. If your previous meetings with your sister did not “end well” you now have to think of W who you must protect. This woman may be your biological sister but you do not know her. Given that, and given that you now have the child you so longed for, I would say proceed as would with any “stranger”.
I hope you can work this out within yourself.
Many blessings,
GG
I’d try. You never know. The fact that you both have had babies might be a connection. People change after a life changing events – their beliefs and ideas change. Sending a small gift and a note with no strings would not hurt, unless you will be hurt if you get no response.
It seems like absolute providence that it is a baby registry. W has a cousin. I say: YES!