In this scenario there are two sisters. They were not raised with each other and they lost touch years ago. One sister (that we know of) usually does an internet search for the other sister every two or so years to no avail. This year a search yielded an on-line baby registry that clearly seems to be the “missing” sister. There are several items on the registry that have yet to be purchased even though the expected arrival date was listed as several months ago.
In this scenario if you were the “missing” sister how would you feel about receiving a baby gift from a sister that you were extremely out of touch with? Would you send a gift?
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{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
Clearly, the searching sister seems to want to reconnect. I think a small gift, with a note of congratulations to the missing sister, and joy at the arrival of a new niece or nephew would be appropriate.
Perhaps even an invitation to reconnect… that way the ball is in the missing sisters court, but the searching sister has made the attempt that it seems she wants to make.
As far as being the missing sister, I think how I felt would depend on the reasons for losing touch. I dont think I’d be upset at all, and I hope, for the sake of my new child if for no other reason, that I’d be open to reconnecting with their aunt.
(and, for what it’s worth, I reconnected with my estranged sisters last year (we weren’t raised together, and sort of just “lost touch” over the years) while we were all caring for Dad. I have plans today with Sis1, and Sis2 will be in town next week and we’re all getting together for dinner, Grumps included. I won’t claim that my experience is typical, but I think I’m proof that sometimes these things do end happily.)
As far as receiving a gift goes, if I was the missing sister I would probably feel most comfortable if the gift was on the small-ish side (i.e. not an expensive, grand gesture) and accompanied by a warm but light note with an invitation to reconnect. As the searching sister, I would probably take the same approach – open up the conversation without a lot or pressure, but with clarity about my desire to reconnect. I don’t have this experience with siblings but I do have at least one cousin with whom I may be walking this path sometime in the near-ish future, and it has been on my mind a lot lately. Wishing both these sisters peace and clarity, whatever happens.
I voted No, it would freak her out, but not because I really think it would freak me out. If there was an option: “No, but send a card instead”. I would have picked that. Getting a baby gift during such a monumental time in my life from someone I didn’t really “know” but who was trying to connect with me would leave me stressed out. I would be wondering if I should somehow repay the favor, or be forced to attempt a thank you. A card or letter seems a tiny bit less intrusive to me.
p.s. I ordered a move about Muppets in Space or something like that. Just for you and Jen. So I will watch it. And j says I will like it.
Being estranged from so much of my family I can empathize. I have no answers or even suggestions. I wish that I had the strength to knock down the walls, but I used some super strong cement…. Love you!
yes, send it. If for no other reason, just because you will always wonder “what if” and if you’d done everything reasonable you could do to reconnect. I think this would be a reasonable but non-threatening attempt. If there’s no response, then you have your answer. Chances are though, there will be a response. Good luck.
I agree with Anna. I’d send something on the smallish side with a card hoping for a reconnection.
I guess the thing, given the experience, would be to make sure that the baby was born, alive and healthy.
Then I might send a favourite childhood book and a card.
For some reason, I can’t vote in the poll, but because my mind always goes *there* if I were the potential gift sender, I would somehow make absof*ckinglutely sure that the expected baby actually arrived. Because I can’t think of very many things worse than getting a baby gift when you don’t have a baby.
That kind of statistically unlikely tragedy aside, I’d love to receive a baby gift from a sib, estranged or otherwise. And I adore giving gifts.
I’m somewhere between the first two options. I would include my name/address, but try not to hope (as futile as that may be). But the key thing on answering the recipient’s side of the question would really be why they drifted apart in the first place, and on the other side of the equation, why the ‘missing’ sister (preumably) chose to disappear in the first place.
I’d just send a note or card instead. All I can think of is that it’s possible something may have happened after the registry was created and it would be really horrible to receive a baby gift if there was no baby afterall.
If both sisters really wanted to reconnect, I think it would be a great icebreaker. If one sister is unsure how the other sister would feel about the gesture, maybe she should just send a card or small, token gift (with a return address, just in case, if she truly wants to reconnect) — that would not create an obligation for the receiving sister to respond (but the sending sister would need to be prepared that she might not receive a response, depending on what the situation was)…
Beth summed it up nicely. So I’ll just say ditto to what she said!
I said yes and hope to reconnect b/c I’m a hopeless sap. Do what feels right to you though. At the very least, I would have to send an anonymous gift. It just wouldn’t sit right with me otherwise. But I agree that it’s not an obligation if you just send it with good wishes but no pressure. It’s obviously something that has bothered you through the years.
Lots of luck sweetie.
xoxo
my hypothetical answer is that it would TOTALLY freak me out.
I had a brother I didn’t know about and had I gotten a gift in the mail from him instead of the initial “hi, i’m your brother” where I could immediately ask questions, I’d totally have some too freaked out for words moments.
Wait. I guess the other sister KNOWS of the sister.
That changes things. Hrm. Although I’d send a gift certificate, not a gift. And the card would be a “found you. please call if possible” type thing.
Although if the other sister didn’t know of the sending sister, I’d still want a reconnect, but I’d hope there was a phone number in there.
I guess since I went through a “hi, i’m your brother” thing at age, um, 27~ish, I can remember how fucking freaky it was.
My feeling is that if the info came to her via Googling, it could be construed as creepy. I would connect first and then send the gift. Especially not knowing the whole story about what has happened in her sister’s life.
I’m assuming that the sister doing the searching occasionally would like to reconnect and this might be a good start at that. It might not bring a response but is worth a try.
it is a huge leap of faith, but i would tell the searching sister to do it. life is far the hell too short not to show the people in your life you care ~ and it is obvious by the repeated searchings, that this missing sister IS cared about and thought of and well…i am an only child, and i hang on to the hope of the maybe at all times…
do it.
I would say it can’t hurt. Well, it could hurt in some situations, I suppose, but as long as it was just lost touch, not any bad blood, I’d go for it. The older I get, the more important I feel family is.
Life is too short for sisters not to know each other. I really, really think that Searching Sister should send the present, nothing too extravagant, and a little note. Or just send a note, or anything to get in contact. New babies just remind us how important family is. Don’t let this opportunity pass by. The result may be difficult or complicated but in any event it’s better than not connecting with a sister at all. But this also may be the first step towards a lasting friendship. You’ll never know if you don’t try.
I say if you want to connect, do that, but the baby thing has too many unknowns. Though I can see how it seems like a nice “in.”
I would send a gift because its not just for the sister but your niece/nephew. As long as your intention is good behind it and you have zero expectations it was the right thing to do. In my opinion ofcourse!
It seems to me that it’s extremely likely that perhaps the searching sister AND the receiving sister have both recently had babies, in which case… there’s good news to send along with the gift AND common ground to build from. Will there ever be better time? Also, since previous searches have been conducted several times over the years, it seems like this desire to seek and find has some staying power. So… if not now, when?
Finally, my personal mantra when it comes to taking risks in acts of generosity, love, or simple public demonstrations of support (like giving a toast or reading a poem at a wedding reception or family party) is this: You seldom regret doing the things you needed to build up the courage to do. On the other hand, if you don’t, you will always wish you had.
It can’t hurt to send some small gift and card. I mean… what’s the worst thing? Your gesture could be met with silence and you could never talk to her, but you never talk anyways. Just don’t wrap your hopes or your heart up in it, and send that gift out into the void. I would try to send it certified mail or something with a tracking number so you know it actually got there if you do decide because boy, wouldn’t that suck if you sent something and just assumed she got it.
A small gift would be perfect. And hypothetically, both sisters have new babies, which would be even more of a reason to reconnect, for the babies to meet and for the sisters to connect as mothers!
I am ALWAYS in favor of reconnection.
I shoved my biological dad( I’m adopted by mom’s 2nd husband who I think of as my “real” Dad) and a half-brother out of my life in a teenage angsty fit 15 years ago. This past Thanksgiving his wife found me on Facebook. They were thrilled, they’ve all been really sweet, cousins and uncles are appearing out of the woodwork, and I was quite pleased to hear from all of them, because as you say, I’m all grown up now and I just don’t have the energy for blame and fault and grudges that I used to. So, there’s hope there. It is a secret from my mom though, who would not be pleased. So that’s weird, as I’m not accustomed to keeping secrets from her. I am a big baby. But anyway, you can only try. I think you might.