How do two parent houses do comprising on parenting issues? Did you get together and make choices 1st or is it fly by the seat of your pants? What do you do when one of you wants to do something* and the other parent isn’t feeling it??
*something could be sleep training or scheduled feedings or organic food or discipline or co-sleeping…basically insert a parenting choice
Being single I feel sometimes lucky to have the talking stick in my hands all the time when it comes to this stuff. But I wonder if this is a good thing or if I am really missing out by not having someone bantering with me. I also wonder if it has made me slightly paranoid about when I do make a choice about something.
For example- I am pretty, “eh” about sleep training right now. That is just me, in my gut, and maybe a little bit because I am lazy and because W is teething and I will pretty much do anything to get him to smile and not cry. But I wonder how I would react if I had a husband that was co-parenting with me and he had a different opinion on sleep training.
So seriously. How is that co-parenting thing done?
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It really just depends on the issue. The thing with us is that my wife is much more laid back on SOME things than I am (less overprotective) but she’s also stricter and less tolerant of typical toddler behavior. So we provide each other a nice balance. Much of what we have “decided” has been by the seat of our pants, but as the researcher in the family, a lot of the BIG decisions get left to me to research and then we discuss. But parenting twins doesn’t allow sometimes for a lot of “let’s see, should we do x or y” and often results in a “hey, the baby is in our bed!” But it’s worked for us. As they’ve gotten older we do more talking and less seat of the pants flying, but it tends to fall on me to do the research or information gathering when warranted.
A lot of it is by the seat of our pants but we also discuss some issues if we seem to have radically different ideas.
Oh I could talk for days about this. You actually hit the nail on the head with your statements. It goes BOTH ways. There is sometimes an advantage of having someone to co-parent with and other times it would seem “easier” as far as decisions go to only have yourself to banter with. However, as far as the workload and such I feel blessed to have someone to coparent with. Me and my partner are complete opposites on things so most of the times we balance each other out and he needs that balance. Other times, we butt heads so it seems counterproductive. I am much more co-sleeping, less of a schedule, attachment (in some ways) parenting whereas she is more of a schedule person..etc. Anyhow, the past year I think we have done a good job in learning each other and figuring out how to compliment each other as it comes to parenting. But, it isn’t easy! And it took us awhile to get there.
So my short answer is.. it has pros and cons just like anything else!
PS – did you get my email asking about facebook?
Firstly, (firstly? is that even a word?) it’s fly by the seat of our pants, because if we sat down to iron out every parenting issue between birth and 18, that’s all we’d ever do.
It involves some compromise, but I think the trick to agreeing goes beyond parenting itself and is at the root of the two people and their relationship together. We’re lucky to be in a relationship where we “get” each other well enough to know that no matter who is doing the suggesting, we always have B’s best interest in mind. So if I say “we should let him babble/whine for 10 more minutes” (if he’s in his crib at 3am) j will almost always agree, because I have a reason for my suggestion. If B is screaming his pretty head off and I suggest the same (which I wouldn’t do because, um, CRYING!) j would say “ummmm no I’ll go get him”.
Confession: As a mom, I almost always get my way when it comes to B. Mainly because j knows that 99% of the time what I’m suggesting is heartfelt and well thought out, and he just defers to me in those situations because it’s easier for him.
I guess my point is… when you’re in a good relationship and you know what the other partner is thinking, it’s easy to have very very similar desires. And if you’re both putting the child first, it’s no different than if it was a single parent household. Yes, you don’t have someone to bounce ideas off all the time, but I certainly don’t think WW is suffering for it!
Daver and I are on the same page. We just are.
Nat and I, however, are usually at odds. He has no real role in Ben’s life and yet he seems to “know what’s best.” He’s also an assbag. But since I am the one who does stuff with and for Ben I try to ignore him.
I’m very lucky to have a very mellow husband. I do a lot of reading and research and I am The Mom so I get to make a lot of the decisions. Honestly, he just went where I followed in regards to sleep training and such. He did step in and select the preschool, though that was purely a financial decision.
I don’t know how single parents do it. It is so, so, so hard, esp the infant stage. My husband has been excellent about making sure I get me time and taking Erik to the park or whatever and doing half the bed time routine. When Erik wouldn’t sleep as an infant my husband was the only one who could get him down. I am so grateful to have him as a co-parent.
It can also be good to have some perspective. When I am going crazy, he is able to bring me down to earth with an “He is three years old, what do you expect?”
My husband and I are generally on the same page. We have the same values and views on parenting. Sure, there are a few issues that he might lean another way a bit, or be less excited about than I am. But since he works rather long hours, I am the one who spends most of the time “enacting” our decisions (if you will), so he generally goes along with whatever I decide.
I kind of think (though I am not parent or co-parent, so what do I really know) that those decisions are made before having kids. I think before I reproduced with someone, I would know his thoughts on discipline or co-sleeping and other fundamentals. The little stuff can be handled as things pop up.
For my partner and I we have very similiar views on just about everything. For everything that we don’t we’ve learned to compromise. Since my partner had a kid and I was coming into their relationship my partner and I talked extensively about our respective views on parenting. Once we decided to move in together we went to counseling to iron out the details of our roles in regards to parenting her child. We both had to compromise and come to an agreement. Thankfully though, we both hold a lot of the same beliefs in child rearing and where we don’t we do balance each other out. She’s more lienient with many things and I’m not. We’re expecting our first together in September and I don’t expect too much to change. I just think the key to making it work when another parent is involved is talking and compromise especially if you want it to be an equal relationship between the two of you and each parent and the child.
My husband spent the first 14 months for our first child overseas with the military. I just had a baby at the end of May and he’s here now, so I’ve had it both ways. I don’t think one is better/easier/harder than the other. I liked being able to make decisions on my own without someone else injecting their opinion. But, I did, on occasion ask the DH what he thought. Much like you probably do with your mom, or you do through your blog. I don’t think W is suffering at all because you’re doing the single mom thing. You’re doing a great job. Sleep training is good if you’re ready. My boy slept in bed with me until 6 months, and my girl will probably sleep in our room until 6 months as well. I agree with the teething — do what it takes to make them happy! (I used the teething tablets, tylenol and orajel as much as needed!!)
I have a good friend who for a long time was a single mother and she used to ask me this, too.
Basically…I don’t know…at our house, whoever feels the strongest gets their way, but mostly we’re on the same page. It hasn’t been a big issue. It’s like anything in a relationship–give and take. Like I think he gives her too much meat, but I try to just be happy he’s cooking and sharing things with her, and that they’re enjoying themselves, and then feed her what I want when it’s just us.
RE: Karen’s comment
The thing is, we did make a lot of those decisions before hand and most of those decisions went right out the window. We both swore we would never co-sleep. Uh. Yeah. That really worked for us. We went in the totally opposite direction on many of our predetermined decisions. We were both flexible and willing to do what needed to be done. I think it was helpful that we had been together a few years before having a baby so we had already established our relationship really well. Honestly, having a baby was a really bad thing for our relationship, at least initially. Sleep deprivation breeds lots of anger. This is one reason I don’t think having a second would be wise.
Teething tablets! Do you have them yet? Dr. Hyland’s teething tablets.
We mostly make it up as we go along, and change things if they aren’t working out. I would have to say that we had our minds made up totally about many things before our son arrived, but the baby had other ideas…for example, no way to cosleeping turned into one of our most favorite things and now can’t imagine doing it any other way. I do all of the research, analyzing, chatting with other parents seeking advice, etc. and pretty much decide on 99.9% of the things we do–and my husband being mellow and trusting of me, just agrees and thanks me and goes along with it. Once in a blue moon we’ll have a difference of opinion and we’ll come up with a plan. We’re flexible and will try several things until something works. Sometimes the pressure of having everything “up to me” is a lot, but I do have the support of my husband so it’s not too bad.
I’m lucky because hubby and I tend to pretty much agree on how we want to raise our girls. We never talked about parenting before we had kids, we just sort of learned on the job. Sometimes we disagree, but if I have a strong opinion, he will defer to me and vice versa. I was and am really glad to have him around to help me, especially when I am not feeling like such a great mom! He always makes me feel better.
Well, we’re only 13 months in, but so far we haven’t really disagreed on much. Although that is probably because before me, Jason was a bar-hopping 25-year-old guy who had never thought twice about co-sleeping or toddler temper tantrums. So since I am the one who knows about babies, and also I am The Mom, we usually do things my way. I am willing to compromise on some things, but he knows my absolutes (no CIO, no spanking, etc.) and he respects them.
Generally, whichever one of us has a brilliant parenting idea (usually me) brings it up, and then we have a discussion about the pros, cons, and probable outcomes of whatever the brilliant idea is. Occasionally, the other party (usually the husband) will flat-out veto the brilliant idea, at which point the vetoed party (me again) sulks for a bit, and then gets over it.
We talked a lot while I was pregnant about how we wanted to handle lots of baby scenarios, and we’ve discussed them more and adapted them as we’ve gone along. It’s worked pretty well for the past nine months. We talk about future parenting plans alot now. We’re always trying to stay one step ahead of where the babe is, though it doesn’t always work.
Similar situation to Mary. Hubby left when A was 3 weeks old and didn’t return until she was 14 months old. I did what I thought was best, asked friends and family for opinions, and followed my gut.
With the twins, hubby has been here for their 1st year.
I always ask my husband’s opinion to keep him involved in the decision making, but most of the time he just agrees with me. There has only been one thing really that we haven’t agreed upon and that was getting A a booster seat. He said get one, I said nope, she doesn’t need it. I made the wrong decision, now the child roams during dinner. Lesson learned, though. Twins will stay in a seat for a loooooong time. LOL!
Parenting in general is all about gut feelings and working things out that are the best for you and your family. There is no “right” way.
I stay home with the kids so what I say goes. The other half chimes in here and there but we mostly are in sync so not a big deal.
Parenting is a try it one way, doesn’t work, try it another until you find something that does work. And just because it works this week doesn’t mean it’s right or will work in a year. It’s constant adjustments.
We mostly agree, which is why we get along so well in general. On things that we don’t agree, we tend to go with whoever has the stronger feelings. The other way is to go with whoever has to deal with the fallout. For example, I am the one who gets up with Elizabeth during the night, so I decide when she goes to sleep and how.
We also never disagree with each other in front of the child. Not that it matters with such a small child, but that has always been my rule when I was teaching and such. Adults always stand together. So there, small people!
We plan, plan, plan and talk things to death. Certain things I don’t expect Fil to consult me about – like grounding him when he does something she knows I would be just as angry about – because I trust her as my co-parent and in turn, she trusts me. She lets me deal with the majority of his school crap, handling his homework and daily planner. It’s give and take, because one parent can’t reign supreme. I think perhaps it was somewhat difficult for Fil to step back when I came into the picture, because she had to step out of the single parent spotlight. I also had to grow a spine and stop letting her take the lead on everything, even if I didn’t agree with her.
Things about our future children, and how we plan to parent babies and toddlers, involve a lot of discussing. Like breastfeeding, we talked for hours about that before we found a middle ground we both agreed on.
We always intend to find the middle ground of everything. But I think with co-parenting, some things have to give. Like if your husband were to be vehement about you not breastfeeding or using cloth diapers, but you were vehement about the two, you would find a common ground – instead of cloth diapers you use disposable BUT you do get to breastfeed. See?
I think co-parenting is the bees knees and I don’t think I could raise Monster without Fil (I probably could, because I’m strong enough and I’m relatively confident in my abilities, but the idea of it gives me the heebe jeebees). That being said, I don’t think it’s the only good thing for children. If a kid is in a situation where they’re loved, that’s amazing enough. Who really cares if s/he had two parents or one?
Fascinating comments. As someone who has done both (my son was with my ex partner, my daughter I am on my own) I can say that, for my situation, it has been WAY easier to do it on my own. Sure I am exhausted and sometimes wish there was someone there to either put The Boy to bed, or to just hold The Girl while I do it, the parenting is so much more enjoyable this time around. However a lot of that could be because our relationship wasn’t working out anyway and parenting just REALLY highlighted that. But personally, I will take exhaustion over conflict any day of the week. And I think partner or no partner, parenting the second time around is just an easier, more enjoyable process. Fabulous post though; I loved reading what everyone had to say.
I’m in charge…
Actually – we pretty much agree on most of the issues, and if we don’t, see first statement.
Not a clue. Just the idea that I would have to share the naming process has kept from even wanting any sort of potential man around. Cause it would suck to finally meet Mr Right and then have to dump his ass cause he didn’t like my names.
We definitely co-parent and I see us as equals, but Josh probably defers to my opinions more simply because I need to deal with the consequences more since I’m the home parent. I think it’s the same as preparing meals for multiple people in the house–it’s a dance that just sort of happens without thinking too much about it and everyone is a little happy and a little sad about what’s on the plate. Meaning, we have a general philosophy and perhaps I would do things on this timetable or that, so sometimes I’m happy and sometimes I’m sad. It all balances out. I don’t know if I’m making any sense.
We have certain core things we both believe and then we make decisions or acts off of those core beliefs. And since we share the core beliefs, it doesn’t matter if it isn’t exactly the way I would have done it, because it’s close enough.
We talked a lot of major issues over before we even started trying, and my partner and I were on the same page for everything except circumcision. There’s no compromise there – you either do or you don’t. So my stance was that there was no way in hell I was going to do that to my son, and my partner gradually came to see it my way. Of course, we ended up having a girl, but at least now it’s all decided for next time.
I’m the researcher and the reader and the birthgiver, and my partner is open-minded and hears me out about anything that is new or unfamiliar to her. Thus far there haven’t been disagreements. But, she’s only 9 months
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