Lately I kind of seize up when I think about blogging. I feel like I am in the rut where the ONLY things I have to write about fall under the following categories: visits with GM, Mother’s job search, and flaunting Captain Adorable. Of course these are pretty huge themes to write within, but there are other things going on that I just feel like I can’t or shouldn’t write about.
Well, look, if I am going to be entirely honest there are emotions and anxieties and stress that I would love to vent and purge here, but I worry that to do so would really hurt my Mother’s feelings.
Not that I feel the need to attack her or say anything here that I don’t already say to her face, but some days I wish I could whine and moan and rage against the insanity of situations and know that it was safe to do so and that it wouldn’t upset her.
I think it is safe to say that things have been a bit tense at home. That is what happens when you toss two adults and an infant into a hot Florida environment with crazy variables like no income and differentiating view points on random things. How come MTV doesn’t want to film our real world? (by the way- even though I SWORE I wouldn’t- I totally started watching the new RW season. It will never be as amazing as those first few seasons…but I can’t not watch it.)
As you may or may not remember Mother was going to go out of town (out of state, really) to get a giant amount of hours for CLE. It was a great deal in a lovely location and it seemed like a smart thing to do. Only as the week loomed near I started to feel more and more like I shouldn’t go. And I really shouldn’t go with W.
Things like the super long drive in the car, the expense of a larger hotel room, not to mention expense of food and whatnots…it just seemed like it would be smarter for me to stay home. That way Mother could focus on the classes and maybe get out and network and mingle without the pull of offspring at the hotel. If I was Mother I would have been fine going solo, might even have embraced the adventure…but when I said that I no longer felt it was smart for me to go she no longer wanted to go.
And I felt like a giant asshole and other complicated shit that I won’t blog about…
Other stuff I am not ready to blog about yet:
1) How if the job luck doesn’t find us by the end of August we will need to move
2) How I have NO idea how we can find a place to rent when we don’t have jobs
3) How sad I am that the first months of W’s life have been filled with one giant lump of anxiety
4) How I feel like I should go out and try to find a job except that I am not ready to relinquish the care of W to anyone else
5) How I just want to get rid of everything we own and run away…
There was also a post I wanted to write about this new Lifetime show Drop Dead Diva and how seriously bummed out I was that I didn’t like it. Because (SPOILER ALERT) why did they have to kill the fat girl’s soul? My one liner take? It is fluff for the fluffy. It is also an epic waste of Margaret Cho.
I’m also seriously stressed that Kayla may be getting voted out tonight because, let’s be real, her solo was kind of tame.
And seriously- is Ed going to propose?
And how come no one ever tags me for a fucking blog meme anymore??
And is anyone else feeling like the BlogHer convention is summer camp for the cool kids? I hate myself for how bummed out I am that I am not going and I feel like all of my blog friends will meet up and braid each others hair and trade be-fri charms and then never come visit me in my whiny blog again.
I am so dull, dull, dull…
I am also spending my time being in awe over the power of the sun. I am addicted to sunning W’s cloth diapers. There you have it- the only reason I can think of today why it is good to live in Florida.
Yes. I sometimes sit and look out the window and watch his diapers bleach.
I think I might also be a blossoming agoraphobic.
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
I have a week in August/Sept and would love to go down to visit you! I don’t care if my time is spent helping you move or sunning diaper. Once I have my schedule for IVF the THIRD I’ll let you know!
Since you brought it up (lol), I was seriously bummed that they paired Evan with Kayla. He’s not the right caliber for her.
Maybe you should take a break from writing about real life and write about fake life. You are a great writer so write something fun and fantastical! Get the novel underway, lady.
Let’s have a Florida version of BlogHer. I’m not going either. You can braid my hair.
I desperately want to go to BlogHer too but can not swing it financially. We can be bummed out together. {{{Hugs}}}
Yeaaaaah. During the last year when Al was unemployed I had a LOT of anger towards him and they way he handled things. And didn’t really feel comfortable writing about it because I didn’t want to hurt him and because I knew it wasn’t all rational and because I knew he was feeling like shit already.
I promise that at BlogHer my hair will not be braided – it’s only an inch and a half long. And I will think how much better it would be if you were there.
I wish I could come over for a visit with the remaining few of my amazing chocolate chip-Skor chip-walnut-coconut cookies I made the other day, and we could drink iced tea and do crafts and braid each other’s hair and be in our own camp.
Unfortunately, it would be easier if we just met in Chicago at BlogHer, as it’s virtually halfway between you and me, and plus we’d get to crash the big love-fest and join in.
Boo to missing out on camp. I’m with you on that.
Hang in there, Cali. I’m hoping and praying for good news to start coming your way very soon.
Totally unrelated events made the first months of all of my baby’s lives awful and full of crippling anxiety. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, my friend. Life can be so, so overwhelming.
xoxo
Hope your mother gets a job SOON! It’s so frustrating, this uncertainty. Sending positive vibes. ~hugs~
I don’t think it will be Kayla, I think it might be Randi and Kupono. They were BAD last night.
Not that I’m a cool blogger like yourself, but I’m sure I could talk Kym into taking a roadtrip down to see you
Okay:
Yes, I think Ed is going to propose, I wonder if he can put the workaholic away for good?
Yes, you should keep flaunting Captain Adorable!
Yes, things look grim, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, so pick yourself up by your bootstraps and remember all the GOOD THINGS you have…this is a pep talk I give myself all the time when I get all “I’m too old, none of the young mommies want me as a friend in their playgroup, they have plenty of friends their age”…then I remember I am SOOO grateful that I finally have a child to want to be in a playgroup or just have friends with children his age!
Love you girl, just keep on keeping the faith!!! I wish you were in Atlanta, Adam and I would be hauling ass to your place jsut to give you a big hug!
You aren’t the only one who feels that way about Blogher. Honestly, I don’t even understand the point of it, except for all the cool kids to rub elbows. I guess I am insecure, but I feel like even if I went no one would want to hang out with me. I’m not a partier and it seems there’s a lot of drinking going on. I am not going to change what I write or the way I write. I liked it better when we all had online diaries, not blogs.
I’m so sorry things are so stressful and you can’t purge yourself here. I think about you guys and wish I was an employer that could offer your mom a job.
no wisdom, but will you be my be fri? despite all the stress you’re going through, you totally made my day with that blast from the long forgotten past
I just wanted you to know that I think you, and all you write about are pretty damned awesome. Hugs. Things will look up soon… Does it help to know that I could lose my house too? And that I am also not blogging about the scariness of that?
Take care girl, I am sending some positive vibes your way…
I can understand the last line there. I feel that way sometimes too.
I’m sorry things are stressful. I wish they weren’t and that there was some way that things could work out easily. I’ll be hoping that somehow they will.
It sucks when anxiety kind of takes on a life of it’s own. Wish that at least one of those major stressors would get resolved – especially the job thing. I can’t say I know much of anything about Blog Her, but totally get the left-outedness feeling. I talk with lots of SMC, but can’t find any – none – near enough to me. None of my kids half sibs live anywhere close. All these groups have get-togethers and I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere (okay, OK isn’t the middle of nowhwere but it feels like no man land many days) and nobody wants to get together in OK. Heck, I can’t even convince anyone to drive through the darn state and stop to say hi. Not one of my friends have come out here in the 5 years I have lived in OK to visit. Not one. Sigh…sorry, got a bit side tracked there. All this to say that I’m thinking of you, and hope things turn around soon.
Sorry sweetie. I think it seems to be a natural thing for everyone with a new munchkin and blogging – trying to figure out what else there is to even talk about. I’m always reading, as long as you’re writing.
I worked as a nanny when my baby was an infant and was able to take her with me. I was able to earn decent money, be with my own baby, and have a built in daily play date. It was not even that difficult as I was already knee deep in poopie diapers and constant feeding. I also grew to love that other baby, as did my daughter. Most people are desperate for childcare (especially for an infant), so you probably would not have a hard time finding something. In this economy, you have to be creative and think outside of the box. I know former managers of large companies who lost their jobs and are now waiting tables or cleaning other people’s homes. It seems like much of your stress would be allieviated if there were less financial issues. You have the power to change that. Good luck.
i just love you.
that is all.
i will always read your blog. and i will braid your hair and i have a friendship pin or bracelet with your name on it ~ if you make me one to trade, mmkay? can we have a stay-cation blogher thingy?
love you tons babe.
PS…i would like to request another Capt Adorable photo montage soon.
I can totally feel your pain (for lack of a better word)I don’t have any words that won’t make you roll your eyes and feel the need to wrap your hands around my throat, but I do have a HUGE hug coming you way! Sending you lots of love and positive energy your way, too!
*HUGS*
Lots and lots of hugs. I’m sorry.
And you are not dull AT ALL. Really don’t think that. Even if you aren’t globe trotting or whatever, you’re one of the most interesting people I know.
August is so soon! How stressful!
Hey Cali..I’m on the job search again, while browsing Monster I found this job for your Mom..not sure if its good for her or not but I figured it was worth taking a look at. The area by the University is nice.
umm..yeah in case you can’t access that post, you can go to the university’s website http://www.fgcu.edu
Hi buddy would it be ok if we used some info from here to use on one of my websites? all the best