So what does one DO on Father’s Day? Or rather, what do you do? Growing up I remember making or buying cards and giving them to not just my Grandfather and Uncles, but also to my Mother. But I had somebody else to think about on that day. Somewhere, out there, there is this guy called my father. And while I have no desire to know him or be known by him (for my own reasons), he does, in fact exist. He is not a mythical creature. He was not a sperm donor.
And while I imagine it will be some time before W starts to know what a father is, much less what a father’s day is, I am finding myself wondering what it will come to mean for him. Wondering if he will grow up feeling less than or lop-sided.
But I am curious what other gals with no (to speak of) Dad type person in their lives Do when this holiday comes and goes. And how will I, as a single gal, present this day to my son? Sure I KNOW it is a halmark holiday, but he’s bound to be asked to make some art or craft down the road. I wonder how he will feel.
Pictured is a photo from our visit with GM today. We spent the entire visit out in the day room with other residents. Most of the them thought W wasn’t real and kept asking me if he was a doll. It was so sweet to watch them watch us- it really livened the room up. Especially when one of the gals in the corner decided to sing to W very, very loudly.
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{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
I was raised religious and our family didn’t celebrate mothers day or fathers day etc. So I was never in the habit of having a special day for my dad. He also passed away 15 years ago so he’s not around. I do have a father sort of figure in my life and I usually get him a card or something but for the most part I don’t do a lot with the holiday.
With 2 moms we don’t even do mother’s day around here. Who would get the day off? Our son’s preschool did make two crafts for us this year, which was sweet. They recently asked us what we wanted to do about father’s day and we didn’t have a plan. He has a known donor whom he adores, but it would be a bit weird (for me) if he were to do a father’s day thing for him. We told the teacher that he could make something for anyone he wants. If he chooses to make something for his donor I suppose it will be just another lesson for us in letting go — he’s going to develop relationships with others, and it’s just my job to make space for that to happen. The hardest part is just admitting that my baby is getting big, and he’s not all mine anymore.
that is a precious photo
as for fathers day ive taught my kids to draw a picture call, or just do some thing nice for their dad and grandpas ,nothing major since i think most people are special they know should acknowledged in some form every month
I should clarify, perhaps, that my relationship with my father isn’t *entirely* non-existent, but I try to keep it to as minimal as possible, and only because of how much I’ve been hurt in the past.
When my brother passed away, my father hadn’t seen him for several years, because of my brother trying to care for himself in much the same way. I feel terrible, because the person who loses out is my sister (& me), but I hold hope that some day she’ll be able to understand.
Another two mom family here, I like the idea of having the kids make something for any man in their life…grandpa, godfather, uncle, etc.
P will probably help me pick out a card and/or small silly gift for my father. I’ve tried very hard to remind him of all the people who love him in his life and that he isn’t missing out on anything by not having a father. I think we are doing OK but I think it would have been a lot easier on the both of us if he had never met his “father” at all.
I didn’t vote b/c our relationship isn’t horrible, but it’s not good either. He is an alcoholic. Not abusive, but growing up he was not there for us and fought my mother over every dime that should have went to buy extras. He was ok with paying bills, but nothing else. Now I just feel sorry for him. He’s 59 years old and can’t even walk b/c he’s ruined his health so badly. But we will never have a good relationship.
My husband is a wonderful father, but we are not celebrator’s of much. I bought myself a mother’s day gift. If he wants a father’s day gift he’ll have to do the same. Maybe when Erik is older he will want to celebrate these days with gifts.
I didn’t vote as there wasn’t an option for deceased. During his lifetime our relationship was abusive or essentially non-existent. He was a very complicated individual and his suicide simply made there be more questions than answers. I feel sad for my kids now as they won’t know him but that was his choice to end his life and I have to try to project a positive image for them despite what he chose.
As for WW he’ll find his way. I like the idea of making a father’s day gift for someone he wants to. 5 years from now you could be married or have a strong father figure for him – life changes so I wouldn’t get too hung up on it. Kids often have very brilliant ways of dealing with situations – we tend to worry/fret for them and they handle it just fine.
My father died 29 years ago this month. A few weeks before my 17th birthday. (Yup, I’m turning 46 in less than 2 weeks. YIKES!) We had a difficult relationship mostly because of the way our similar temperaments clashed. Also not helped by my mother’s crap. I’ve always wondered how an adult father daughter relationship would have been different.
As for my child, I’ve been thinking about how to deal with that. Since my embryo donation was not an anonymous sperm donor, it’s complicated. Further complicated by the fact that he’s deceased. Recently, my friend who was my sperm donor while I was trying (unsuccessfully) with my own eggs, has agreed to be my child’s guardian. I’ve thought about talking to him about being more of a father figure.
WW’s eyes are captivating! I love the picture in this post. He’s smashing!!
What a charming outfit that baby has on…
I have a feeling that you guys will work out father’s day as it comes. Maybe a card for you, that would be my guess.
You need a poll option for “kinda crappy” I wouldn’t go so far as to say he did the best he could or not bad or that it’s horrible – but it sure isn’t great.
you know, father’s day has no frame of reference for me ~ in terms of the whatever-sunday in june ~ because my dad and i celebrate father’s day on MY birthday, in his words “the day he became a father” and always have…we used to send each other flowers and everything
so i dont have any answer to your question exactly but thought i would share
holidays are what you make of them and i suspect W will understand that hallmark cards arent what make things real or important it is enjoying the people you love and who love you that makes your life best!
love to you and your foursome!
my father died in 2003. this past april, my father-in-law died. my husband and i are sad that our boy will not know his grandfathers. i am very lucky to have a wonderful stepfather. my husband is very close to him as well. today he said to me that he’d like to send a father’s day card to him because he’s the only dad he has left. i imagine that at some point W will have a special man in his life, who knows? and he’ll want to celebrate father’s day. or probably, like you did, he’ll make you a special card on that day
This is the first year that my son is old enough to understand Father’s Day. His Daddy is a known donor but certainly not a regular part of his life. His pre school teacher asked me what I wanted to do when they all made cards for Daddy at school. Did I want him to make one for his uncle? His grandfather? His other Mom?
I opted to have him make one for his donor Daddy that I will mail out to him where he lives. Mostly because I was all of a sudden paralyzed with fear that he would feel “less than” his other classmates if he had to do something different than all of them. But if his donor wasn’t “known” I am not sure what I would have done (I tried to get pregnant for 3 years with frozen sperm, it just didn’t take. But if it had he wouldn’t have a “known” donor). Probably his uncle or grandfather. No matter what, he knows he is loved. And so will W. My (long) point is that no matter what happens, W will know how very much he is loved. And how very much he was wanted. No doubt about that.
Can I just say, Clai, what wonderful photos you take of your boy? He’s such a good looking baby, too. I mean it,
xx
g
I wouldn’t really worry about it. The kid is only a couple of months old. He doesn’t understand what is going on so why stress out about it now? Maybe when he is three or four you will have to make that decision and by that time you will have had a lot of time to think through what you want to do.
Marta
We’re a 2-mom family formed through adoption, so we send handmade Father’s Day gifts to our daughter’s grandpas and to our daughter’s birth father as well. We’re big on holidays, so we try to go all out with the glitter glue for any and every occasion.
I can’t answer your poll because my father is dead.
We had a pretty good relationship during my adulthood, though.
As for what we do for Father’s Day… well, we send a card to Jen’s father and that’s it now that my father and grandfather are dead.
I have a dad and a step dad, and my partner has a dad and 2 stepdads (what do you call a stepdad after he has divorced your mum?), anyway, btwn the 2 of us and these 5 “dads” we have finally developed mature cordial, if not warm relationships since hitting 40 (prior to that they weren’t so “warm”). They all now get cards sent in the mail on Father’s Day (in Australia that occurs later in the year). As far as our 5yo son, he doesn’t have a dad (unknown donor through clinci, with potential for contact when son ready), but plenty of grandfathers. He choses to make his daycare card/present for his most favorite (and hands-on) Grandda. As far as the day goes, it’s like any other for us, we don’t have lunch with or see any of the men. Since Mason’s birth we have talked to him about families and how they are all made up differently. Since he was old enough to understand and join in the conversation, we mention all the kids he knows and he says who their family is made up of. It’s normal for him. He starts school next year, hmmmm that will be interesting – I’m guessing we will be “educating” some of his peers!
My relationship with my father is much too complicated to answer in your poll. It’s run the gamut of those things for many reasons. We haven’t been together much of my life at all. Mostly his decisions. Again.. complicated and not a clear cut thing like, “I don’t want a daughter.” Someday we can talk about it in person if you like.
I also have a stepfather. So it can get really weird when I have to show allegiance to one of them for something. The stepfather provided for me much better, and we have a really good relationship NOW. However, it was NOT GOOD AT ALL when his and my Mom’s relationship began and for a few years after that. So in my mind’s eye, I don’t have any “traditional” father. The figure I considered closest to that was my Grandfather except that he didn’t really want the title b/c he was so fiercely loyal to my Dad despite the facts.
So see? Don’t beat yourself up about this because I was conceived in a “traditional” (though out of wedlock to kids) way, and things are still wonky just like your wonkiness.
I even have MORE than one “Dad,” and it’s STILL messed up. I usually acknowledge Father’s Day for both of them in some way, but generally don’t make much of a fuss over it. It doesn’t feel appropriate to me. And while I sometimes feel a little lost about that, I’ve come to really good terms with all of it. I have so many other people who give me such a sense of place and purpose and so much love that I don’t really miss it all that much. None of us have perfect lives, but mine has been pretty damn good despite the messed up stuff. Most of my outlook comes from my family, and I think you’ll do that amazingly well. W is soooooooo lucky to have the amazing women in his life that he does. And just think, he can be that amazing Dad someday too from the wonderful things you’ll all teach him! I bet that will be so fulfilling for him.
Look at me rambling and getting all philosophical about your life. In short – I think it’s outlook and teachings that matter b/c there will be “disappointments” or “lost feelings” about something in your life no matter how well you plan to the contrary. The best weapon I ever received was the teachings on how to love myself and have a good outlook on life and to keep fighting for what I need and want.
I always feel a bit of a pang around Father’s Day on behalf of my kids. I love my Dad, and while our relationship is nowhere near perfect, I know that he loves me too. More importantly, he loves my boys – and that means the world to me. So when we celebrate Father’s Day, it’s all about my Dad. This year though, since E has been really talking a lot about his donor, I thought perhaps I would have him make a card for his donor, and we will put it in a special box…a maybe some day sort of box. No point sending it to the sperm bank – they would just throw it out. But you never know what the future holds. If it weren’t for my Dad, I’m not sure what we would do regarding Father’s Day. Around here, it falls after school is out, and since the kids are not in daycare for the summer, I don’t have the popsicle stick picture frames and such coming home. I still have a few stuck in memory boxes – some of them say “Dad” – my kids just gave them to me. In all honesty, I think my kids never really thought much about it – it was just another daycare craft that they handed off to me for a few words of praise, then moved on – they didn’t attach any special meaning to it. Personally, I’d be just as happy so see Hallmark holidays like Father’s Day, and yes, Mother’s Day, just go away.
Some families have two mommies, some have a mommy and a daddy, some have a grandma, some have a step-parent; ALL families are different! Todd Parr books rock our world.
My relationship with my dad was pretty poor from puberty until about 29 or so. Now, I’m so so grateful for him. Malka makes cards for him, and for her uncle Bobby, my closest guy friend.
The distance between my father and I is a 2 way street, and oddly enough today is his birthday. He was an alchoholic for my entire childhood and forced my mom to give up custody of me to him. He then allowed me to be physically, emotionally and verbally abused by my step-mom for the next 10 years. He then kicked me out of the house when I was 15. When he had brain surgery for a softball sized tumor when was 17, I tried to re-kindle, because he’s the only father I have, but it has never really worked out. He knows my son and has met my husband but given that we live across the country from him it is easier to shield all of us from the hurt he can cause. I think he loves me very much I just think he is incapable of loving in supportive, sensitive, healthy ways. When I was a child (starting at about 7) he would comment on various womens various beguiling body parts as we would drive by them and say what he would like to do to them given the chance. When I was raped at 17 he asked if I had been a virgin, because that matters. When my beloved grandmother passed away last year his response was, “So the AIDS finally got her huh?” I can’t handle that, and I cannot allow my child to bear that much insensitivity and lack of compassion either. I sometimes feel that I would be stronger if I kept trying, but most of the time I think my strength is in letting go. Wow, sorry I apparently needed to vent. As for Wil and his dad…. we will make cards for Cale and Cale will make one for his dad. But overall I agree that important, special people in your life should be told all the time and that Hallmark should be ashamed of themselves, I think they do more to impart the less-than feelings than anyone else. I love you and I too think that your celebrations and holidays will come with time and two months old is way too early to assign any sort of feeling whatsoever to this made up holiday.
I am all over the map on this one. I have a great dad with whom I call on father’s day and send a card. It’s a little extraneous though as I speak to him every week and we see each other 3-4 times a year (he lives about 1000 miles away).
My previous partner (and the father of my 8 year old) commit suicide 5 years ago. I never really mention the holiday too often to my daughter (his birthday often falls on father’s day weekend which makes it weird too). At her school, they don’t “do” father’s and mother’s day. We have a number of single parents at our school (by choice and otherwise) and a number of two dad and two mom households, so my daughter’s school doesn’t do things for those holiday.
My current partner (and father of my baby son) is a great dad and worthy of much father’s day love, however he completely disregards it as it’s a “made up hallmark holiday” and he also feels awkward that my older daughter no longer has a bio dad).