I really wanted the next post to be this fabulous 3 part birth story installment. But I haven’t gotten around to writing it all out yet and time is passing by and if I don’t start purging some of the stuff going on I might explode. And that just wouldn’t be very pretty.
The truth is that I am raw with emotions. Utterly raw and tender. I have this beautiful and soul fulfilling baby that I can not stop looking at. Seriously watching his face flicker with alertness and cuteness is something I could do all day, every day for the rest of my life. He is healthy and eating great and technicolor pooping and gazing right back at me with the same sort of wonder that I gaze at him.
And so far taking care of him has come easily for me. We had some breastfeeding issues in the beginning (it took a while for my milk to come in and he lost 11% of his birth weight before we left the hospital). But his first pediatric appointment was this past friday and he is already back to gaining and no one is sounding any alarm bells.
His pediatrician team is comprised of two women that could not be any more enthusiastic about breastfeeding. This made a HUGE difference for me in the hospital when I was dealing with unfriendly nurses that were trying to make me feel like I was starving my kid. He has another check up at the end of this week and I am hoping that his weight is just were it should be.
(& is anyone else amused that all of the “gifts for the breastfeeding Mom” contain giant samples of formula?)
I am doing so so with recovery. The hardest part for me has been the INCREASE of swelling. My feet are huge and painful, my fingers are bloated, and my hips are w i d e. I went in to see the OB this morning to see if there was anything I could do to help the swelling go down, but medication is out of the question for me (us) right now. It was explained that my swelling is normal and due to the increase of fluids that I was pumped with while in the hospital. Am to jack my feet up above my heart as often as I can.
Oddly enough I didn’t have any sort of c-section regret. My birth plan was always a very simple, “get him out.” Of course I always assumed he would be delivered vaginally and when it came to things like inductions or sections my philosophy was your basic “whatever it takes (but I would rather not).”
It is kind of amusing (for lack of a better word) that in the end I pretty much experienced the spectrum of labor. The hardest parts for me were dilating on pitocin without pain relief (oh don’t worry- I So got relief around 4cm) and whatever it is they are doing to your guts post section. For some reason I could feel my organs being jerked and rooted around and that was an 11 kind of pain.
When Mother brought the Snork up to my face I wept so hard. It was a total, literal, out of body experience. But I remember looking at his round face and feeling instant ownership. This being is from me. We belong to each other now. Always.
The actual hospital stay is a kind of blur to me now. I remember scrambled eggs and staples and looking over at Mother at 3am holding the Snork.
We got home thursday evening. And then early Saturday morning BG Talula went missing.
We think she scooted out the front door when Mother was taking Charlie out for a bathroom break. She often will come outside and sort of hang out by the front door, sniffing the night air. But she is skittish and usually if I say her name of even make eye contact with her she will run back inside.
But Saturday no one knew that she had gone outside. And then when the boy and I finally made it downstairs Saturday morning and asked about her- well it had been hours.
And she is not home yet. And I fear the worst. And it fucking sucks to have this rip tide of JOY! and DOOM! pinging around in my heart. Oh how I ache with grief and fear about BG. Where the hell could she BE?? And then Snork will fart or sing and my aches shift to bliss. And then guilt at the bliss. And really- I just want my cat back. Like right NOW.
See? up and down. Every instant of the day.
{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
So sorry about your kitty…I hope she shows up very soon, safe and sound!
I hear you on the swelling. I delivered a 9lb 5 oz baby boy plus placenta etc and I weighed myself after I got home thinking I should have lost 15-20 lbs…and I had only lost 4! How could that be possible???? Then I looked at my feet and ankles and it was clear to me…nobody had mentioned that this might happen. Anyway, it went away suddenly, I’m trying to think when…well, it didn’t last all that long, so just hang in there! [sorry, I still have postpartum brain freeze and my little guy is 4 months old!]
Oh sweetie, that sounds normal. Remember all those hormones that made you sick in the first trimester? They’re all now going away. I’ve been wildly unstable for the first couple weeks after all my babies.
Hang in there, friend.
Call all the shelters in your area. Also post a missing cat notice on your local craigslist if you haven’t already done so.
Oh I have memories of the pitocin contractions. Thank God for epidurals. I just smiled big silly smiles reading this post. (Until I got to the BG is still missing part.) So happy for you!
Come home BG!
Hey there! Okay, so I’m a bigtime animal lady, and I really want your cat home, like, NOW, too.
I’m going to throw some stuff out there, in the hopes that something might help. Bear with me.
Is Talula a haughty girl, like, does she get in a snit if you rearrange the furniture? It could be that she’s adjusting to the new arrival. I’ve heard this is really common.
Have you tried putting out really, really delicious food? I’m sure $$ is too tight to invest in fresh salmon, but what about a grocery store rotisserie chicken?
Since no one saw her leave, is there any chance she’s in the house, just really, really pissed off? I once heard about a cat in a shelter who was living in the director’s office. There were a few other special needs cats there, and they all took turns out and about of their cages. There was a food bowl and water bowl and litterbox out for their general use, and one day the amazing disappearing cat… well, disappeared. The window was open a few inches, and the staff figured she was gone. Six months later, the director saw a tail slink behind a filing cabinet. The disappearing cat had been there the whole time, even had a few toys back there, and had been helping herself to food and litterbox at night. Six months, no idea she was there. This is a great organization, too.
Are you sure there aren’t new “deposits” in the litterbox? I don’t mean to insult your intelligence with that question. I’m just thinking if you keep the litterbox, say, in the basement or the garage and you think she’s MIA and since you’re very, very busy keeping a tiny boy, you know alive with your boobs, maybe you just haven’t shuffled out to the remotest parts of Litterboxtopia to check. Is Charlie a grazer? Maybe she’s hiding, being stealthy about the box and pilfering Charlie’s food?
Does Talula get wet food? Could Mother take Snork out for a short walk while you run the can opener and just generally be alone in the house, sans baby, for a just little bit?
As you start to feel better, maybe walk around the neighborhood a bit with WW, show him off to the neighbors and talk to everybody about the cat? Could be there’s a 9-year-old girl somewhere nearby, thinking this is a dream come true that a cat showed up at her house, without realizing Talula is very, very missed. Just a couple thoughts. I’ll keep checking in here, and praying to St. Anthony (patron saint of lost things). Good Saint Anthony, come around; Talula’s lost and can’t be found.
Go home, Talula, go home!
I am so sorry BG hasn’t returned. Hoping you find her soon!
I am just still so happy for you!
4 days after my son was born our dog was attacked, unprovoked, while my husband had her out for a walk. She required extensive treatment and hospitalization and we didn’t know if she was going to make it. Thankfully we had a happy ending to our saga, as I hope (know) you do! I can definitely identify with your feelings of up and down, hope and hopelessness.
Sending you happy thoughts!
I had exactly the same birth plan – well the thesis was the same – but I mapped it out in a borderline ob/comp way in four pages.
Hormomes are still running high..so emotions are expected, but oh the cat…come back kitty!!!
Oh, this is awful to happen right now. Well, it wouldn’t be good anytime, but this is unfair. Great advice from Angie. I have a very spooky Siamese and my guess is that (if, in fact, she’s not inside) she’s right under your nose outside. Under bush, house, etc. Just too scared to budget or respond. My suggestion is to sit outside on porch and call her and then LISTEN for a tiny meow.
Beautiful boy. Love his name and wish you would call him that. Best of luck and good thoughts for your missing kitty.
pitocin contractions… when they later asked me what “number” my pain had been, I said “9, because I assume that having my limbs ripped from my body would be a 10″. Effing anesthesia resident. Sorry you had to have that.
SO GLAD about the W bliss. SO SORRY about BGT. She’s probably just taking a breather to adjust to the changes. Are you leaving food outside for her? Kitty love is unconditional though and she’ll return when she’s ready.
No guilt now, this joy is karmically owed to you!
I am so sorry that you are having to deal with such grief and pain, when you should be able to wallow in the bliss that is WW. please recognize the power of hormones, and the wallop that postpartum can bring.
try to stay in this place as much as you can, because this paragraph brings the light and the tears of joy:
“When Mother brought the Snork up to my face I wept so hard. It was a total, literal, out of body experience. But I remember looking at his round face and feeling instant ownership. This being is from me. We belong to each other now. Always.”
Sending thoughts to BG to get her butt home right now!
I’m with those posters who say to post some notices around your neighborhood and to check with shelters if you haven’t already.
I’m so glad that everything is going well with snork and hope they continue to do so.
Hope you find your cat soon, and that she’s fine.
)
(waiting to hear your birth story
I am late checking in but CONGRATULATIONS!!! He is beautiful. What a lucky boy he is:)
About the kitty, last summer, my 19 year old inside cat got outside in 100F heat. He was gone for exactly one week and I was sure he was gone. He appeared one night when I left the gate open. Cats.
Congratulations again, Cali:) Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy.
I’m sorry about your cat I know how awful that feels to know they’re lost. As for all the emotions, you’ll get through, it’s a crazy ride, but you’ll make it.
I’ve been thinking about all of you, including BG. I hope she comes back soon!
*HUGS*
So so sorry that BG wandered off and you are left worrying and not able to let yourself just enjoy the good bits of motherhood. Can totally remember feeling like you do now, 5 years ago….although I didn’t have the added trauma of missing our special furry family member. Mind you our 2 special “boys” both died within a year of our son’s birth (they were very old so it was expected), but that’s not the same as having one go missing and feeling so helpless, specially at a time when you have so much on your plate already and your body is not doing great and your hormones even worse! Thinking of you and wishing BG back in your arms…. the rest will sort itself out BELIEVE me.
HUGS
I’m with you on missing your dear kitty so badly. That’s got to be lousy right now. Angie made many excellent points to consider, I ditto her suggestions. You know cats are strange! Sending prayers and good vibes.
Up and down? Welcome to motherhood, you have arrived!
Hope BG turns up, soon and well.
The emotional ups and downs of the first days/weeks for me was ROUGH!! I totally understand feeling raw and emotional. And feeling the bliss and the guilt. And feeling feeling feeling. I still feel stuff deeply (3 months post-delivery) but I can get a handle on it a bit better now. Of course, I didn’t have to deal with a missing cat at the same time. I really hope she comes back soon. And congrats on your beautiful little son!
Am having Juno and Quincy tell BG to go home, and to stay safe.
Our cat Sunshine hid inside of our house for 2 whole weeks, and my mom and I thought he had gotten out and run away. And you know how attentive we have always been to our kitties!! I wish I was down there to help look for her!!
I checked out Animal Control and there was a cat brought in on the 11th that looks like your baby, check out the picture here http://www.petharbor.com/detail.asp?ID=A313686&LOCATION=JCKV&searchtype=LOST&friends=1&samaritans=1&nosuccess=0&rows=10&imght=120&imgres=thumb&view=sysadm.v_animal_short&bgcolor=ffffff&text=000000&link=cc6633&fontface=verdana&fontsize=10&col_hdr_bg=ccccff&col_hdr_fg=000000&SBG=ccccff&zip=32211&miles=10&shelterlist='JCKV‘,’JCKV1′&atype=&where=type_CAT,color_b, maybe it is, maybe no, but make sure you register with them that you are missing your cat so that they can keep an eye out on incoming animals. I hope that she comes home soon.
The snork is awfully cute, I am glad to here that everyone is doing well.
I am so, so happy for you about WW and so, so sad for you about BG Talula. The thought of my kitty escaping into the wild makes me want to throw up, so I can imagine how you are feeling.
I strongly second the suggestion for a craigslist posting – I have found 2 cats for people after seeing CL postings. And one more suggestion: there may be a friend or neighbor who has offered to help if needed, and you never thought you’d need to take him/her up on the offer. My suggestion is that you spend 15 minutes creating a Lost Cat poster and asking that friend if he/she would print it and put it up on all the telephone poles in the neighborhood. (I’ll make it for you if you send me the info, and even print it and FedEx it if you want). I reunited another cat with its owner a few months ago after seeing a flyer in my neighborhood! I know you are so, so busy and overwhelmed with the lovely boy, but the key to cat finding (I believe) is blanket coverage of an area with Lost Kitty signs. Most people really want to help in these situations.
It seems to me like the universe is on your side these days (WW being the number one awesome example) so I have high hopes that BG will be reunited with her family shortly. Please let me know what I can do to help.
I am so sorry for your cat going missing. I can understand with being an animal lover that I am how that would be so hard with the up and down. I so hope she is hiding or maybe she is in the animal shelter like the one person suggested!
On the other hand… your boy is adorable and I am so glad things are going so well.
I keep thinking about BG tahluah. Ugh. My indoor kitties (black cats as well) haven’t gotten out in a couple of years, but it is utterly nerve wracking when they do.
I’m glad that there are ups!
Sending lots of love and crossed fingers xx
Oh, honey, the hormones are rough. (Understatement of the year!) I hope BGT is home soon safe and sound and you can focus all your attentions on snuggling your sweet boy. And I *LOVED* the pictures of Snork with your grandmother. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
Aren’t babies great? I was surprised by how aware and with it my son was when he was born. He recognized my husband’s voice right away and stuck his tongue out at him when hubby stuck his tongue out. I always thought newborns were sort of dazed and dopey but not so.
As for C-sections, I completely agree with you. If the kid is out and healthy what’s the big deal? I know two women who actually mourned the fact that they had to have C-sections. They said they felt cheated out of “the birth experience.” I don’t understand that at all. It’s like going to the dentist and refusing novacaine so you can have “the root canal experience.”
Breast feeding will bring your swelling down pretty fast. It also shrinks your uterus back to its normal size and releases endorphins as well as being good for W.W.
I hope BG returns. Does she wear a collar with your name and telephone number? She’s probably hanging out at someone else’s house. Your local paper probably publishes free lost pet ads in the classified section. Some posters around the neighborhood might work, too, but I hope they won’t be necessary.
I’m so sorry about your BG. To offer hope, my dog once disappeared for over two weeks. None of the flyers I put up or frantic calls to the shelter produced any results. The day after I gave up, said a tearful goodbye, and boxed his bowls and leashes up for the garage, he showed up on my doorstep, a little thinner and a lot dirtier, but no worse for wear after his big adventure. I hope you have as happy an ending. My heart says she’s probably nearby.
WW is beyond gorgeous. Those first few weeks after birth are HARD, and the ups and downs you’re feeling are normal. Pregnancy is like spending 40(+) weeks riding a hormone train at 90 mph. Birth stops it on a dime, and it’s really disorienting. I know I felt like a stranger to myself the first couple weeks after I had my son.
I had the post-section, IV-induced swelling, too, and it sucked. It was something I had never mentally prepared myself for, you know? The good news is that once it started going down, it went down fast. A couple days of crazy peeing and profuse sweating and I felt more like myself instead of a great blob.
It’s great that his doctors are so supportive of breastfeeding! I had some not-so-good experiences with nurses as well, which nearly caused me to give up on breastfeeding, so I’m glad you’ve got some good support. It is so worth it!
I’m so sorry to hear about your kitty – here’s hoping she comes home soon.
I am so sorry to hear about BG and your not-so-fun ride on the post-partum emotional roller coaster. I too have faith that she will come home, and I also have faith that the swelling will subside and the roller coaster even out to a kiddie coaster. I know after I had Wil (with pitocin/no anesthesia) I really struggled with the guilt of having brought him into the world. It gnawed at me constantly (it was 5 months after 9/11) that I had selfishly brought this defenseless being into this harsh, cruel, and over-zealous world. Seven years later, I have eased up and tried my best to equip my child with the skills to cope with the world and its bullies. It does get better and with this community to help support you… well, you know we will never let either of you fall. I love you!
Ps – He is so gorgeous!
I really really hope BG is home soon – so hard to ride that roller coaster of emotions. Glad the bf is going well and that WW is back to gaining. I don’t get it about the bags for breastfeeding moms that have formula samples and coupons – I got those too – felt like they were just expecting me not to succeed.
Oh no. BG, please come home.
And Calli – Snork (I love his real name) is beautiful. And that last photo post of great grandma meeting the snork got me all teary. Congrats with all my heart. Sorry your recovery is tough but it will be over. I had one fucking shit time of recovery myself and lookie – I’m in derby again. These first few months will be a blur son (be sure to write snork things down NOW – you will forget them).
Love you girl. And Mr Snork.
I called it my “we support breastfeeding but here are some formula coupons just in case” bag. Those formula companies really give out the free samples. Just pass them along if you aren’t going to use them, that’s what I did.
I am still hoping for BG Talula to come back.
I was just checking in to see if BG Talula came home. My cat got out once and he was gone for about a week. I would see him everyday but he would take off running (we had just moved to a new house)…I was absolutely determined to get him home. This is what I did (now I’m crazy so you don’t have to do this..just an idea!) I put some wet cat food in the front doorway, tied a very very long piece of yarn on the doorknob and laid down on the floor far from the door with the other end of the yarn in my hand. After 4 hours my cat showed up, stepped in the house, licked the food, and I pulled the door shut with the yarn. I scared the you know what out of the cat, but at least he was home again. Let us know as soon as BG comes home!
So many things. I hope BG is home soon, and so glad that you are home and your W is too.
I’ve read that fish oil is supposed to help with inflammation. Just a bit of assvice for you.