I enjoyed reading your comments on the last post, but I should clarify: I didn’t mean, in my poll, that people should have to disclose if they have had treatments. I just meant should they as in wouldn’t it be a good thing? As in wouldn’t it be sort of helpful to know that someone in the public eye doesn’t have a magic uterus?
Of course the best point that many of you made was that in most cases it is WAY obvious that someone has sought the assistance of a fertility clinic. Just like it is pretty much way obvious when a celeb has had “work done”. But still, every time a celeb or person in the public eye is open about things like botox I think it is kick ass awesome. Just last week Jenny McCarthy was on Oprah and shared that she uses botox on a regular basis. The honesty was beautiful.
What set this poll in motion was my watching the new TLC show Table for 12. I watched both episodes back to back and kept waiting for the mention (& it didn’t need to be a giant deal, just a mention) that the couple had used fertility treatments to conceive their two sets of twins and one set of sextuplets. The family falls into the “obviously” category, but I still felt like with such exposure it would have been nice.
Jen has since informed me that the couple actually were part of a special that had previously aired called Twins, Twins, and Sextuplets (can’t find a link to the special) and that they touched upon their treatments in this special. So that is cool. But I think I still wish that there was a mention at the launch of their new show.
The crazy thing is that I DO feel that whether or not someone talks about their experiences with infertility is up to the individual. No one should feel that they HAVE to, but selfishly I wish more people would. And specifically I wish more people in the public eye would. I know when I encounter someone out in the real world that has undergone treatments I feel a sort of zing of happiness. Not happy that anyone had to go through the hell of infertility, but happiness that someone is TALKING about it. With me. All out in the open and shit.
I know that at some point I will wonder if I need to clam up about all that I went through to get to the Snork place. And maybe that is where these folks in the public eye are- in the clam up camp. Not because I wouldn’t want to talk, talk, talk about it- but because at the end of the day this story will be Snork’s legacy and is it really fair to him to walk around with his Mama’s infertility baggage all his life?
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
Our son, Adam, came to us in a unique way-we adopted embryos. I know, some people are saying “I didn’t know you could do that” or “eew, you carried another person’s baby, isn’t that strange?” We do tell a lot of people about our experience bacause it isn’t a well known option and it created a miracle for us, if it means one more frozen embryo may have a chance at life or one more couple might experience the joy of pregnancy and parenthood, then it will all be worth the strange looks some people give us. Most people are amazed by Adam’s story and think it is wonderful…
Adam was frozen for 15 years(most embryos don’t survive past 10 as a lot of you may know). His biological mother has to take her ex-husband to court for custody of the embryos(which were created with donor sperm) so she could donate them for adoption. Her ex wanted them destroyed. Out of the 6 frozen embryos, only 2 survived the thaw, and one came to be the little joy of our lives. So, Adam has a most amazing story and one that moves me to tears every time I tell it. He is obviously here for a reason…I just hope I live long enough to see what that is( I was 1 month short of 44 when he was born).
SO, to tell or not to tell, it is a personal decision-everything you have been through led you to where you are now…Steve & I had our hat in the ring for adoption and fostering to adopt, and look where we ended up. I wouldn’t trade a moment of our journey or our story for the end result!
I hope I’m remembering that right. It was ages ago that I watched that special. I’m sure someone else saw it last week when they showed it again and can confirm or deny.
I think any person in the public eye is crazy brave to talk about their fertility treatments. While infertility is such a soft and tender subject with the world, it seems to have obtained an almost freakish taboo. Like, oh, don’t go there, that’s weird and unnatural. I think more public exposure would do the subject good, make it more normal and less like the 3rd eye on America’s bum.
I love Jon & Kate Plus 8, not just because Aaden is so darn cute, but also because they’re so plainly honest with how they got their huge family. In open honesty they leave a lot of room for hate. Unlike “Octomom” Nadya Suleman, they have obtained an unbelievably *positive* following and have, I hope, made infertility and fertility treatments more ordinary sounding. (I do think they might scare young infertile couples, just a little).
I do wonder why the Table for 12 couple didn’t just get the “we had treatments” talk over with. Maybe they’re waiting for an episode that isn’t their huge introduction to the media world. Time will tell!
I think to talk or not to talk is a problem that will really surface as Snork is older. It’s unavoidable, the “how did Snork get here?” and the “where is his Dad?” and when that comes up and 13-year-old Snork (did that give you a heart attack a little?) gives you his best “PLEASE NO” look, you’ll know what to do. I think.
For the same reason that the media “dummed down” the Octomom scandal… they think that the average American can’t comprehend what Assisted Reproduction is, and how it works. They think most of the public is stupid.
I have to imagine this carries over to the celeb topic too. Because if a celeb discloses, then they probably get tons of questions and their publicists don’t want them teaching America about IUI’s, IVF, etc.
Very sad.
Hmmm. I did watch the Table for 12 family’s first special so I knew they used treatment to get pregnant. I too watched the first two shows and I like it – it’s just everyday life. I thought they mentioned it, but maybe not.
I’ve watched all of Jon and Kate Plus 8 eposides (I dvr). We knew they used treatments because it’s in the intro to the show.
I do have to comment that I’m getting sick of Kate and I noticed the Jon has been looking annoyed alot this season. I wasn’t surprised when they announced that Jon & Kate may or may not be back for another season in their finale. I felt – hmmm – I’m OK with that. They are starting to really reel in the perks and people might start to get jealous about the whole thing. I’m up for an occasional update special on the kids… I would never get tired of the kids.
Yeah, they were all from fertility treatments (Jen asked for confirmation).
My only issue with all of these people who’ve had high order multiples (along with other multiples) getting these shows are that it’s making it seem to “normal”. It’s also, IMO, sending the message that it’s OK for the freaks like the octomom to purposely have a billion kids that they can’t support. TLC compensates all of these families that do these shows. I’m just waiting for the octomom to get her show.
Being a mother of twins I’m sick to death of the comments comparing me and the octomom or before that comparing me to Kate from JK+8. Really people?
I just LOVE Holly’s story! What a miraculous little boy she has!!!
I am very open about doing multiple ART cycles. Tell everyone who will listen as a public service that not everyone can easily haev a baby and how hard infertility is. However, when I moved to donor eggs I decided not tot tell. I figure that my children deserve some privacy. This their story to tell and I don’t want people to pre-judge them. Others are more public and I applaud them! I imagine when my kids are older we will also be open about it but I think my kids should be the first to know…not my co-workers, friends, or even my parents.
BTW…I also do botox regularly and recommend it as far and wide as I can. I love it and think many, many women would also love it if they didn’t feel stigmatized.
I read this post a couple of times and here are my thoughts for what they’re, you know, worth: Where I live, infertility coverage is mandated by state law. Obviously, this doesn’t help you if you don’t have insurance, but most people I know do have coverage for infertility. And many, many people I know have had IUIs or IVF of them. Just off the top of my head, I can think of six current or past coworkers. And my office is not particularly large.
Living in this environment, where infertility treatments are a commonplace, fairly unremarkable event, I think I can honestly say that I really don’t care if other people disclose that they were only able to have kids with a little help.
I guess that my feelings might be different if ART wasn’t so common among my friends and acquaintances.
oh nooo… where did my comment go????
I’m actually taking the opposite strategy to peeveme’s (which isn’t to say that peeveme is wrong, just that we are doing it a different way). During regular IVF I didn’t generally tell people about it, mostly because I wanted to avoid all the painful ignorant questions like over and over “Are you pregnant yet?”
Now we have moved to DE and from the time we first started considering DE my one stipulation was that I would only do it if we didn’t pretend to people that it was my biological child, just like when you adopt you don’t pretend that you gave birth. In addition I work in a field where people often feel pressured to postpone having kids and I don’t want people to think that “she got her kids late, I can too” (I started TTC at 35 and was shocked to discover I had already missed the boat). We are still waiting for success but assuming it happens we plan to be 100% open about it. Maybe this will also help more people to wrap their heads around DE and what’s great about it.
I’m glad you wrote about this – I think about it a lot. I feel the same way you do – that it’s private, but that it would be so helpful if more people were open about it. I have one ‘real life’ friend who went through infertility and it is such a huge help to be with her and her family and know that even though she has everything I want, she also has a wealth of info to help me and an endless pool of understanding for my situation. I would still be fine hanging out with her and her boys, but it is somehow different knowing that she was once standing where I am now. I am continuously grateful for her openness.
Anyway, I really enjoyed reading your thoughts on this subject.
I had voted yes on that poll, but when I really think about it, I don’t know that I really care. I do find it interesting when celebrities feely admit that they used ART to have kids. I just finished reading Gordon Ramsay’s “Roasting In Hell’s Kitchen: Temper Tantrums, F-Words, and the Pursuit of Perfection” and found out that his oldest child and the twins were the result of IVF and that their fourth was a surprise as his wife has PCOS. I found it refreshing to see him include that in his book. It’s a great read, as well.
I always think it’s great when somebody in the public eye talks about fertility treatments, but at the same time I understand when people don’t. I can’t imagine it’s easy doing anything with so much attention paid to you, but when it’s something that can make some many nasty people crawl out of the woodwork it must be especially hard.
I too tend to like it when people who are in the public eye are honest and up front about things. It also really bugs me when they pretty obviously had help with getting pregnant etc and then try to deny it. I’m sorry but come on. I know that twins can happen naturally but not nearly in the quantity that it does in Hollywood. It’s like they’re the new fasion accessory.
One thing I noticed about Table for 12 is that they kinda just jumped into the show with no real intros at all, so I am guessing that they will get around to talking about it. They are so refreshing compared to this season of Jon and Kate though! They laugh together, they appear to really love each other and their kids for a change!
A little off-topic, but am I the only one who thinks it’s kind of crazy that Jenny McCarthy is all for injecting Botulinum toxin into her face to look “better,” but she’s opposed to kids getting vaccinated against diseases that in my grandparents’ lifetimes were still killing and maiming children on an incredibly regular basis? Even in the face of the overwhelming evidence that there is no connection between vaccinations and autism? Just saying, it seems kind of backwards.
There is a huge stigma to Infertility treatments. Mainly because of the few morons that have acted irresponsibly and tainted the public view for all of us. I think you are so brave to be so out in the open about it. After I’ve gotten pg, I’ve been able to say that this has been a “Long row to hoe”. Which I think people catch my drift. There isn’t anything UNNATURAL about our kid. I don’t know your spiritual feelings, but for me, none of this would have been possible without God. I firmly believe that He chose the right time and the right embryo and the right sperm for us. We can do all the manipulation in the lab, but at the end of the day, its a MIRACLE that happens inside us when we get pregnant.
But truthfully, we have family members that we do not disclose information to because they truly are ignorant and what they don’t understand, they shun. Its sad, but true. When I come across something I don’t understand, I listen and try to get whats going on. Maybe I’m in the minority. I don’t close my mind until I hear all the facts, and for the most part, don’t close my mind to any situation BECAUSE (here is a famous HOLLIE-ISM) “You never know what you would do until you walk a mile in someone else’s shoes.” Okay, someone else made that famous, but I say it all the time. Its about tolerance and accepting that everybody’s life is different. We all take different paths. Swallow it and MOVE ON!!
My husband and I tried to conceive for three years without any luck and then I got pregnant with our son the old fashioned way — by getting on a waiting list to adopt a baby and then being accepted into law school. I swear, the week after the adoption agency told us there was a good chance they’d have a baby for us within a year and two days after I got my acceptance letter to the law school of my choice I found out I was pregnant.
Wild, huh?
We never went to any meeting for infertile couples/individuals but we TALKED about going. I experienced intense jealousy of friends and acquaintances who were pregnant when I wasn’t and i HATED going to baby showers. I would see mothers with children and I would judge the worthiness of those mothers to have children when I did not. The verdict was no, they didn’t deserve to have babies but I definitely did.
We had the baby and were happy as clams at high tide. We have busy lives and our son is our one and only. I have passing moments of regret for not having more children, but they’re brief moments.
Another blogger, one whom I dislike hearitly, once wrote a frenzied, breast-beating post about how one never, ever “gets over” infertility, not even if they eventually successfully produce a bounding bundle of joy. To that I say crapola. I suppose some people want to hang onto their pain and bitterness but not I, say the fly, not I.
One of my colleagues, a lawyer who is married to a lawyer, recently gave birth to twins. I assumed that she would take a long leave to be with the babies or more likely quit work altogether, but she was back at the firm within two months after the twins were born. Of course we asked if twins ran in her family or her husband’s family but she was close-mouthed. She did say that the reason why she returned to work so quickly was that they needed the money. They don’t have an extravagant lifestyle and her mom takes care of the babies while she and her husband are working so I suspect they had some kind of expensive fertility treatments. it’s her business if she doesn’t want to discuss it but it’s not shameful if she did and I wish people would be more open about infertility.
But then again, I didn’t want to discuss my own situation because I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me, so there you have it. I say it’s an individual choice whether or not to discuss infertility.
I am kind of late to this topic, but I am 17 weeks pregnant with an IVF baby (my first). I am 32 and have been happily married for 5+ years. I doubt that anyone would guess that we had to use IVF. When I first revealed to immediate family that IVF was the only way for us to have biological children (because of severe male factor infertility), I did meet a little resistance. That plus the fact that my husband’s infertility is genetic (so if we have a son he will also be infertile), has made me very protective of our privacy. And to be honest, when it came time for our transfer, one reason we decided to do a single embryo transfer was because of our reluctance to have twins. And part of that reluctance stems from me not wanting to have to deal with friends, family and total strangers asking if we did fertility treatments. I am glad that right now it is our little secret. Maybe that will change down the road (and I hope it does) but I am so sick of misinformed opinions regarding Octomom, etc. that it seems like such a hassle to be open about it.
Funny. This post popped up in a search today — infertility talking to people — that also led someone to my blog. Aren’t searches fascinating? Really liked what you had to say here, and I’ve obviously made my position clear. I think my own experience would have been much easier to deal with if the topic wasn’t so closeted. Maybe our candor will make it better for the next generation…we’re pioneers here!
I think this is a great topic. It is a great comfort to know that you are not the only one in the world who is having fertility issues. And, while I am not currently trying to get pregnant, I worry that my boyfriend and I may have trouble conceiving when he finally gets up the courage and asks me to marry him!
I say this because I am not on birth control and we use the pull out method as our only form of birth control. Yes, I know this is dangerous, but we have been together for over 5 years now and only had a few pregnancy scares. Maybe he is just really good at holding in the sperm before he goes, but this also makes me think that we may have fertility issues together.
I don’t worry that either of us is infertile, I worry that we may be infertile together. My mother was married before she met my father and they tried consistently to have a baby, with no success, however, when my mom met my dad, my brother and I both were a surprise. Alright, well that’s enough about me and my issue. Thanks for bringing up this interesting topic.