So this sort of hovering sadness and anxiety is still hovering, dangling and wallowing above me. Pushing sadness out is now pretty much all I try to do and even that has left me exhausted. I feel like such an asshole for even being depressed right now. I mean here I am mere weeks away from realizing the number one life goal that I set for myself and yet I am not bouncing for joy. Don’t get me wrong I am so fucking thrilled that the Snork is going to be a part of my life. But what slays me is just how unsteady life is right now.
Things with GM are so so. The actual care facility is amazing and her health is leaps and bounds above where we could have gotten it had she continued to stay at home. But every visit, as her physical health improves, we deal with the now front and center chaos of her Alzheimer’s. That means that every conversation is filled with GM’s own depression and awareness that she is not home with us, every visit involves at least 30 minutes of her begging and pleading with us to take her home, every time we have a moment of love and contact it flinches away and ebbs onto an hour long diatribe of paranoia, anxiety, fear, doom.
Visiting GM is hard. As I am sure many of you that have loved ones in nursing homes can attest, it can be brutal. Just trying to be upbeat and happy and joyful in the midst of whatever is going on with her is a lot.
Then of course there is the huge cliff of the unknown that Mother and I are hurling towards. I can’t even write about the job sitch without going utterly numb in the fingers. And here is the totally selfish confession: I am pissed off. Annoyed even. Aren’t I lovely?
But truth be told I always thought that once I got to this place, you know the utopia of infertility, that I would have some time to just wallow in the bliss of it all. That I would have a break to adjust and learn and ease in. I put my life on hold for over six hears to take care of GM. I abandoned personal plans and goals, sacrificed friendships, basically worked endlessly without any financial gain. That I can’t just fucking relax right now makes me FURIOUS at the Universe.
And then of course I feel like a tool for being mad. Like I should just suck it up and get over myself.
But I have been trying to put on a brave face and think outside of the box and look to the future and it isn’t working. I’m in this headspace where I worry nonstop about what kind of Mother I will be if I can’t even rally in this moment. How will I take care of Snork when I don’t feel safe or secure? What is it about me that brings all of this chaos?
This is why I am just so not in a rush for Snork to be born. When my OB told me this past thursday that my cervix was very, very soft and that Snork could realistically come any day now I looked at my OB’s sweet face and did not feel the glee. That is not to say that I did not have a moment of excitement, but it is hard to get to the happy place when all of the external stuff outside of my gut is like the 2nd act of a Chekhov play.
And see now I am certain that I am coming off as some horrible and ungrateful wench. But I am trying to purge all of this angst and sadly for ya’ll this blog is my safe place. I want so so so badly to push through all of this. To get back to my Pollyanna roots and be able to skate on silver linings. I also wish that I could fix everything myself. And right now I just can’t. And that sucks huge, massive ass.
{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
You do realise that you are pregnant don”t you. DSo your hormones are making you crazy. ANd they would do that to you if you were a millionaire with a happy healthy family. It just is the way it is. SOme people are happily pregnant most are not. And it worse when there are actual worries. But you will feel better and you will love him. You will never =be who you were before him but that is the whole idea of becoming a mom..
Wishing the snork a speedy travel and a safe arrival.
I don’t think you’re being selfish and horrible. The loss of your mother’s job couldn’t have come at a worse time. I am personally furious with her former employer for cutting her loose without any warning. Ultimately things will sort themselves out but that doesn’t help you NOW.
Stability and safety is really only an illusion. Catastrophe could occur at any time but humans train themselves to expect a certain status quo and when it disappears we tend to panic.
It’s scary having a baby for the first time. You don’t know what to expect and your mind starts to dwell on all the horrible old wives stories about being in labor for days and then the baby is born with two heads. I used to panic right before my son was born wondering how on earth I was going to be able to do this but them I’d think about some wimpy relative or acquaintance who’d cry over a hangnail but who gave birth without a problem and i’d think, if she can do it, I certainly can.
Everything turned out fine, as it will for you. When you hold Snork for the first time it will be the very best moment of your life, despite all the troubles with your mom’s job and your GM.
I was wondering if it would be better not to exhaust yourself being all cherry and sparkly for your GM. You might feel better if you were warm but low-key and I doubt if it would make any difference to her. She’s in a good environment and soon she’ll get used to it. I’m absolutely amazed that you and your mother were able to care for her at home as long as you did.
I’d say that in a few months you’ll all be breathing easier but I can understand how you like your whole world is falling apart right now. Keep taking it one moment at a time and you’ll be okay. You have an army of people in Internet land who love and support you.
I have been in deep funks such as you speak. Some things I find helpful.
1) Recognize that multiple stressors add exponentially, not linearly, because they each tap into the reserves you would have had to deal with the next one. You have three big stressors (not two): your GM, your ma’s job search, and the arrival of Snork. Yes, even good things can be stressors. It is normal to feel overwhelmed and disoriented. Not that it is GOOD to do so or that you should WANT to do so but it is normal.
2) When you feel down don’t add to the down by telling yourself “I shouldn’t be feeling this way” “I don’t have the right to feel this way” “I am ungrateful to feel this way” etc. Don’t judge it, just be it. Getting down on yourself for being down (and then getting down on yourself for getting down on yourself etc.) is a spiral of doom. Short-circuit it and just stay with the surface-level down.
That’s what helps for me, hope it might provide a little help for you.
Years ago, I left a really intesnse, abusive situation, finally. I was living on my own, had a good job, was going to University, and clinical depression hit. I remember talking to the psychologist, not understanding. Why, when everything was going so well, would I suddenly be struggling.
she pointed out the power of the vaccum. When we make huge changes in our life, when we switch one reality for another, when we make the jump into another sort of life, even when we know logically, that things are better, we struggle. Our emotions rebel against the change. The old may not have been great, but it was familiar.
You have had a lot thrown at you in the last 2 months. You have had big changes. And it really is no wonder that you are depressed. You are desperately trying to find equilibrium again. And that’s really normal.
I don’t have any advice to offer. One day at a time. Stay on your meds. Do what you can, with what you have. Now is not forever. It’s only now.
I know it’s easy to comment as someone with a view from the cheap seats…but it does seem like perfect timing in some ways. Snork is coming to you at a time where you don’t have to fret over GM’s care and your mom has more time to relish in the joy of his arrival and help care for you when you need it. It’s always nearly impossible to remember in the midst of troubles, but things always do have a way of working out as they should. Try to keep this in mind and enjoy the extra mother daughter time available now. With all that said, I’ll be sending healing thoughts your way for the safe arrival of Snork, a quick end to the job hunt and the return to a more settled life!
Not horrible, not ungrateful. I think it would be hard NOT To be depressed right now. It’s scary to have so much up in the air and so hard to deal with all of the stuff surrounding GM. I think you ought to give yourself a break. There is no rule book that states how you’re supposed to feel right now, so feel what you need to, and take care of yourself as much as you can.
Sending you love and light and healing. xoxo
i think you are being an authentic human being. this entire last year (years, really) has been filled with so much ups and downs and changes and joys and heartaches and mountains to climb and griefs to grieve…
you are a better person for being able to recognize the angst and to work on purging it. sometimes that will be the best lesson you can teach snork. sometimes it isnt about how fast you rally, but in accepting the way life sucks, honoring your feelings no matter what they are and THEN moving on to the “rally” portion. you and your family are going to be exactly what snork needs. and i have a feeling he and the spirit he brings with him is going to be precisely what you all need as well ~ which is why he chose you to be his kickass momma!!!
i wish i had a magic wand and could take some of the weight off your shoulders babe. you are such a beautiful soul and i am so grateful for your friendship and proud to have claimed you and be claimed by you. we all love you and are here to sit and hold your hand and let you rest your head on our shoulders for as long as you need to…
love and more love…
PS ~ do you think some fudge cookies might help?
First of all, you’re not being an asshole, or ungrateful or experiencing infertility amnesia or any of the other things I know you’re worried about (being an IFer myself).
Infertility has a way of focusing our entire life on one thing – a baby. Everything seems tied to having a baby and our inability to do something that seems so simple to most people. Infertility and the dream of a baby takes over everything. The reality is, a baby is not all of life. There are going to be parts of your life that are wonderful and some that are horrible, and they have nothing to do with Snork or how much you’ve gone through to finally get to this point. Being worried about GM and your mother’s job and moving and all of that doesn’t make you ungrateful. It makes you normal.
Also, like a previous commenter said, HORMONES! Really
Also, of course you’re not over the moon with having Snork coming anytime. He’s safe where he is and you know that you can protect him right now inside you. That’s also a perfectly normal feeling.
Hi there,
I found your blog a few months ago and have been following, I hope you don’t mind. I feel compelled to comment this time because your post reminded me of something. I have 2 sons who are 17 months and 3 years old. A few weeks ago I found the notebook in which I had written about my firstborn’s first year, stuck in the front of it were all these pages from a few weeks before I gave birth to him. I was feeling so down, so sad, so worried about what was coming. I had forgotten all about all that sadness and worry until I read what I had wrote.
I just want you to know it is normal to have your hormones all over the place, especially when you don’t know what is coming. You have a lot on your plate as well. My only suggestion is to talk to your OB or a dr. you really trust about it. Just let them know how you are feeling in case it happens again after your lovely baby is born. The hormones crash so much after pregnancy as well so just keep your doctor in the know.
I hope that helps, everything will work out and once that beautiful bundle is in your arms it will be amazing,
peace and luck- Diana
Like me, you have had a freaking ton going on during the past 9 months. And you can only bounce back so many times before you’re ultimately just down. Where you can’t get up down. I can’t tell you how bloody miserable I was before I had Amelia because there aren’t words.
The upside is this: after those hormones are out of your system, you may start to feel loads better. Even after Amelia was born with some serious problems, I felt better than I had when I’d walked into the hospital. And that’s saying a lot.
I’m holding your hand, Cali my friend. Because I know how hard it all can be. I’m here if you need to talk.
Absolutely understandable. I don’t think it’s hormones. I think it’s reality. Life can suck, as you well know. It’s just unfair that it should be like this now for you — when security and safety is what every pregnant woman (as well as many other species of mammals) needs. I hope it helped to write out those feelings.
I agree with the person who said you may be better off not to send all your energy to your GM right now. Many caregivers feel exactly as you do after admission to care facility. It’s a significant and painful transition. You are dealing with a multitude of changes and disappointments right now.
Take care of yourself. Your little boy is coming to you and all will be well eventually. Tie a knot and hang on….
You, my dear, are no asshole. You have had such a horrible time lately that if you didn’t feel this way I would wonder about your sanity. Also, as some of the others have said, hormones don’t help.
As for what kind of mother you’ll be – I have no doubt you will be amazing. Mothers have an inate ability to get on with things and deal with them as they come. You will be surprised at your own strength. You have taken care of your GM for so long and done such a fine job, to me, this just indicates what a great mother you will very soon become.
Love you dear. I think of you every day.
My mind is making me crazy and I don’t have half your worries. I think you’ll get through no matter what, because you’re strong and resilient. I’m thinking of you and sending you hugs and good thoughts for good things to come.
While totally different, I worried re coming off like an ungrateful wench too, but while I worried about it, I won’t take it back because how I feel is how I feel and we’re human and how can we not be ungrateful or bitchy or self-pitying sometimes? Hang in there. There’s so much more goodness to come:-)
Everyone above has pretty much said what I was thinking. No, you’re definitely not an asshole or ungrateful and I think your feelings right now are completely understandable. I think many women feel like this at the end of the pregnancy, without all the other factors you’re dealing with. I think nishkanu’s explanation that stressors add exponentially, not linearly was well put. And it’s utter rubbish to think these feelings will make you a bad mom. The Snork is one lucky little guy.
You most definitely are not an asshole! You are going to be the most awsomest mommy to Snork. Right now stress is finally setting in…you’ve been keeping it together for a long time so right now give yourself permission to stress out and fret to your heart’s content because once that little guy gets here you will be insanely happy!
“And see now I am certain that I am coming off as some horrible and ungrateful wench. ”
Come on, now, this is a distorted view of yourself.
Not having an income and being about to have a baby would terrify anyone. Don’t get me wrong- I know 100% that you will come out of this on top. But don’t expect so much out of yourself emotionally- you’re not superhuman! And, you’re very pregnant, which does not help with the emotional pit that you are currently in.
Depression and stress during difficult times do not make for a bad mom. Snork will be loved, and though the stress will not melt away once he is born, you will have a great big distraction- and also the possibility of anti-depressants (I think Zolo.ft is safe for bf-ing) that you probably don’t have right now.
I am thinking of you and praying for you, and I know with time things will be just fine.
Firstly, there is nothing about you that brings all of this on. This is not your fault, and quite honestly, you DESERVE to be angry. The Universe seems to be hitting you with polars – you’re being given immense joy even while being shit on with immense distress and sadness. You’re dealing with things that are above-average level shit, so why WOULDN’T you want to rage?
Sometimes I think it’s easier to just allow the anger rather than fight against it. Sometimes I have to give myself time to be angry and just know that it’s okay. No one says that I have to be Miss Merry effing Sunshine all the time. Sometimes it feels GREAT just to allow myself to be pissed, because fighting against it is twice as hard and sets off a huge guilt spiral, the very one that you speak of in this post.
There is nothing to feel guilty over. NOTHING. Being angry about GM’s health and Mother’s unemployment DOES NOT make you any less grateful for the blessing that is Snork. You are ALLOWED to feel them all at the same time and it does not make you less of a person to have anger and resentment.
Holding tight to the anger by trying to squelch it only means that it just sits there and is allowed to fester. Sometimes if you allow yourself time to let it roll through and around you instead of fighting it, you’ll find that some of actually makes its way out, leaving more room inside for the happiness and joy that you feel to take its place.
Hold tight, sweet Calliope. Holding you and abiding with you, my friend.
You have every right to be mad, upset or depressed. Seriously girl you got a lot going on in life. Tack on pregnancy hormones and the birth of your child – please I’m surprised that you aren’t more crazed.
I’ll have to tell you that with both my pregnancies I felt like a little turtle wanting to pull away from the world in the last few weeks. Just do what you need to do to keep yourself afloat right now.
You have every right to be pissed at the universe.
The first commenter has a good point about hormones, though.
Love you.
It’s terrible timing and it’s not fair that you have real problems to contend with instead of the made up ones I freaked out about before my child’s birth. You will get a reprieve shortly though, the birth of the Snork will put you in a bubble and sometimes things look a bit more optimistic and clear from the inside. Somethings gotta give soon.
I agree with everyone who brings up the whole pregnancy hormones thing. On top of that you have a lot of upheval in your life right now with the changes for GM and your mom’s job situation and that is of course going to lead to more stress etc. Hang in there. I hope you feel better soon. Hugs to you.
I understand the guilt – I had PPD after my daughter was born, and I couldn’t understand how, when I should be so happy about becoming a mom, I was so miserable. But just because you are about to achieve the number one goal in your life, as you say, does not mean that you can’t feel down about a bunch of sucky things happening right now and the stress and responsibility of impending parenthood. Previous commenters have put it better than I will, I am sure, but however you feel is how you feel. And you can be happy about Snork and sad about GM and sad about your mother’s job situation and happy and anxious at the same time, or just overwhelmingly sad. You won’t be a good mother if you’re just happy, happy, happy all the time — you’ll be a good mother if you’re in touch with how you’re feeling and doing what you can do to take good care of yourself.
I can’t say anything any better than the previous commenters have. Just wanted to chime in and say you certainly don’t come across as ungrateful to me. I would be going out of my mind with the crap you’ve been dealing with lately. Please just be gentle on yourself. xx
Giant changes can cause big depression no matter what. And you my dear, have been going through MANY giant changes – most of them negatively stressful. So I think you are normal. I know it sucks though.
And I bet you’re so angry b/c your Pollyanna roots want you to be able to FIX it and if not to just grin and bear it! But it’s ok! You’re awesome, and we’re here.
xo
“Now is not forever, it’s only now.” GREAT quote, Mrs. Spit! Something we all should remember in the down times. Very soon, your wonderful bundle of joy will arrive, and he’s bringing more wonder, light, and love than you can imagine. And the world will seem a little sweeter.
Imagine my jaw-dropping look of surprise when I learned that the mere impending and then subsequent birth of my child did not erase all the years of pregnancy loss frustration or worry or even change the fact that I am a woman with 700 things too many to do on her plate. No, I simply became a mother with an assload of baggage and 701 things on her plate.
It is the birth of a baby. It is at once the most glorious and most awful intrusion into your life. It comes whether you are ready, whether your world is in order or whether you’ve got your shit together.
I suffered from hideous PPD during the year following my son’s birth. I am just now coming to terms with the fact that I feel utterly robbed of that happy happy joy joy experience I was supposed to feel. But thing is, when you get us in private, every mother will let you in on the little secret that we aren’t supposed to share: this shit is hard, we’re not always grateful and a fair number of us harbor fantasies of getting into a car and driving anywhere, fast, at some point during the month.
Woman have perfected the art of stewing in guilt. It makes us beat ourselves to pieces. Listen to all of the sage advice and wise women here – we all think you’re doing great.
Thank you for sharing your honest feelings. I would be amazed to learn you were anything other than depressed and overwhelmed. Find me the person that WOULDN’T feel that way under your circumstances and I’ll show you their robot circuits.
I read this a few days ago but came back today b/c I, too, was feeling down and completely overwhelmed (for totally different reasons) and very, very down on myself for feeling so awful. Reading the wonderful things others have written has helped me to calm down. So thank you for that as well. Even in pain you bring comfort to others.
What a wonderful bunch of supporting friends you have here. I’ve just read most of the comments (have to come back with more time to finish reading), and they cover all the things I’m thinking. So in the interests of keeping my comment short (as my boss is due at my desk any second…), BIG HUGS from me. You are NOT horrible nor ungrateful. What you are feeling is so understandable. I sure wish though, that I could wave a magic wand and ease all your burdens and allow you to wallow in the joy of impending motherhood. But I can’t. We live in a real world, so all I can say is try and be gentle on yourself…and listen to all the wonderful advice and support offered above.
Thinking of you and all your family.
HUGS
Honesty, getting all in a funk about things you can’t change isn’t going to help. Try to focus on snork and all that you need to do and have ready for him after he comes home. I know you want to visit with your Grandmother every day but if the visits are causing you so much pain then maybe you should cut back to just a few days a week. Unfortanetly, your mom losing her job so suddenly is happenenind daily accrossed the country and its not going to stop anytime soon. My neighbor worked for a company 19 years. She was 2 years away from retirement when she was layed off without warning. She hasn’t had any call backs for the jobs she has applied for recently. She is even considering applying to Walmart and McDonalds just to have a job at this point.
I think once the baby is born everything is going to change for you. It is so hard to know how your mindset will change, but part of me thinks that you’ll be totally drive for the safety and security of the baby and your own safety and security will be inconsequential…it will be about protecting the little one…and then you’ll find all of the energy, stamina and inspiration you need to figure out what is next and how you will make it through these very difficult times. It helps to have a huge network of support you can call on ANYTIME. Love you!
Oh dear, I want to kick the universes ass for you. I remember how low I felt when my grandma was in the nursing home. I went to see her every day and tried to make it pleasant, but you can’t help but feel weighed down by your surroundings. And this was at a time when jobs were secure and all this baby stuff wasn’t more than a blip on my radar – I can’t imagine doing it and not feeling like I’m in quicksand in your situation. But it will get better. I promise. And you will be a kick ass mom.
You are so blessed to be surrounded by so many open arms and so much love… please lean back on us. I know that we cannot erase the pains or the problems but please know that we are all here to listen and to love without judgement. You in no way come across as ungrateful or bitchy, you are a woman overwhelmed with real life. You are amazing, you will be the best mom you can be, and in the right now… you are overwhelmed. I wish I could do more, I wish I could say something to make it all go away, but alas all I can offer is my love. YOU ARE SOOOOO LOVED!!!!
Don’t beat yourself up dear. Feel what you feel. Do what you need to do to feel better.
Dear Cali, I don’t have any words of wisdom to share here. You have some smart ladies reading along and some of the advice above sounds pretty solid to me. I just wanted to let you know that I’ve been here, reading and thinking about you and your ladies and snork, and wishing you could physically feel the love that so many of us feel towards you.
You are the farthest thing from an ungrateful wench that I can even imagine.