Yesterday I took GM to meet with a cardiologist to see if her heart could withstand surgery. Mother’s office was nearby so she met us in the parking lot and we all went into the Doctor’s office together. Two things then happened that I am opting to accept as important messages: 1) In the waiting room was a woman that looked very familiar and 2) the doctor was not in.
I kept looking and looking at the familiar woman in that way we do when we hope that somehow we can place a person without infringing on their personal space. I even side-whispered to Mother, “do you know her?” The woman turned around and sort of smiled a smile I often see when Mother, GM and I are all out together: it is a smile that simply conveys, “I recognize that you are all together protecting this older woman”.
My Mother, who sometimes can not escape her innate Southerness responded to this smile by saying, “My daughter thinks you look familiar.” And it was when the woman answered that I finally saw something that triggered my memory: two perfect gold teeth in the upper smile of this woman’s mouth gleaned back at us and I had a vision of where this woman had once been in our lives. She was a nurse in a hospital when GM had her mini stroke a year or so ago. She was the nurse that held my hand as I cried because GM did not know who I was.
And did I mention that the cardiologist was not in? Due to a scheduling error (the office’s, not mine) the doctor would not be coming in at all on Monday.
The familiar nurse came over and smiled at GM and GM patted her hand. And inside my head I was listening. I was not hearing yet, but I was tuned in.
Mother helped me load GM back into the car. A disoriented GM who still did not understand what was going on and I stumbled through my rehearsed speech about how we were going to have a lot of check ups this week. It was the truth and yet I was so aware that I was not saying something very large. That the reason she is having these check ups is so that we can see if she is ready for surgery. Why was I not able to just say that to her?
GM & I got home and watched the previous night’s Extreme Home Makeover and a rerun of Martha Stewart. She slept a bit in her chair and as she napped I was finally coming to that great understanding that, sadly enough took me a long time to get to.
What are we doing? Why are we having this surgery? Why can’t we just let her arm be? I can not accept the responsibility of taking care of this woman if I am willing to put her through so much. I would be a giant failure. I just can not see the point of risking more of GM’s mind and awareness at this point.
And suddenly I saw the messages that the Universe had sent to me earlier in the day: the nurse reminding me of how horrible things are for GM in the hospital, the doctor that was not in to see us. This isn’t right. Not right now.
When Mother got home later in the evening I told her that I wanted to stop. I wanted to cancel the rest of the appointments and get GM off of this ride towards surgery. No one has been able to tell us what happens if we proceed with surgery or if we don’t and until we know that it makes zero sense to keep moving towards a potentially dangerous unknown.
Thankfully Mother had come to the same conclusion. We agreed that we both wanted to proceed with the PET scan on thursday as that is not as invasive and will give us some information that we both need: has it spread? Mother feels strongly that we need to have a better doctor advocate on our side and has reached out to some doctors at the Mayo Clinic in town.
This morning I called the doctors that were on our schedule for the week and let them know that we would not be coming in. It was a very peace filled task as it is absolutely the right thing to do.
I appreciate all of you guys listening to me and supporting my family through this. I finally feel like we are back in control and not the doctors.
{ 62 comments… read them below or add one }
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I think this will be good. I mean, not good. But. You know what I mean.
I am so so glad for all of you that your reflection and decisions have brought you some peace, at least for this moment. Surgery seems like a lot for a woman like GM whose body, mind, and spirit have already been through so much.
Yes indeed. I send much love and lots of hugs, and will conjure up some tree p0rn for you soon too – I am waiting for the right colour at the mo. xxxx
That sounds like a good decision. I will be hoping that the PET scan will give you good news.
I totally support and understand your approach to caring for your GM. Any surgery in advancing years is a risk and it seems very sensible to do all that is non-invasive first. Surgeons do see the world through the lens of the operating theatre and sometimes it is important to step away first to really see what is happening. Maybe it will be the right decision to go back but that seems to be for another day. I am really sorry you are all having to deal with this.
I think that you’ve reached a very, very good decision. The PET is useful to help you know about spread, but surgery may very well be an option that has more risks than benefits. It’s very hard to do nothing, even when it’s the right thing to do. (((you all)))
I think this sounds like a good decision. And I am so glad you and your mother both feel good about it.
I’m glad you’ve been able to reach a decision. It sounds like it was a decision reached with love and care and concern and soul searching. For what it’s worth, (and that’s not much), I think it’s a good one. Dignity matters.
It is so hard to choose not to do everything you can when you are so used to fighting demons and looking for next steps. You are all brave women.
Had to bite my tongue to keep myself from saying: why surgery?
I am glad you have found some peace hun
so pleased to hear that the same thought occured to you..
I am so proud of you. You are a wonderful advocate for your GM. Go you and your mother at taking back control. Taking a step back and getting off the train to surgery and uncertain outcomes is a good idea.
I’m glad you’ve come to a decision that you’re at peace with.
I kept wanting to write a comment or email about this but wasn’t sure if I should. You are there now, though. My now moot question was – what if you don’t have surgery? What is the prognosis? When will you be able to weigh the two – possible problems after surgery versus… what, exactly? Finding out she “could” have surgery is useless without the alternative. Glad you are feeling more peaceful. Thinking of you and sending love.
An incredibly hard decision but doing what you feel in your heart is best is the most important thing, because it is you who is your GM’s caretaker. You are going to be an incredible mother.
I know it is a tough choice, but I whole-heartedly agree with your decision. You are at a crossroads in life that you never thought you’d approach, and it’s not an easy spot. Surgery, while good for some, isn’t the right choice for everyone. It’s the best decision for your family.
I’m glad your decision was able to bring you peace. I’ll continue to pray that everything goes well at the PET scan.
I can only imagine how difficult this decision has been for you and your mom and yet how peaceful it may seem at least at times to have reached it. There is no easy answer but to do what will be best for GM in the long run and cause her the least amount of trauma I think is a very good step in the right direction. Hugs to you all.
I hope this decision lightens your load. Much love to all of you.
I am so glad that you were presented with some signs that helped you make your decision. Thos signs can certainly allude us at times, but it seems they came at just the right moment. You’re such a good caretaker for your GM. Take good care. xoxo
So glad you found a peaceful solution, friend. Here’s hoping the PET scan shows good news.
This sounds like a good plan, and one that takes into account what is truly best for GM.
You are so very wise, and an excellent caretaker of, and advocate for, GM. Glad you were listening.
Compassion is greater then keeping someone alive at the cost of a life worth living. There are questions to ask. “What happens if nothing is done?”, is a question worth asking. Peace be with you as you stand along side your grandmother as she travels her life path. You are amazing!
-MM
Yes, even though it’s hard to do in the face of such a daunting illness, I think it is important to try to keep some semblance of control. It seems as if you made the right decision. xo
I would have made the same decision. I am sorry you even had to make a decision like that.
I am so glad to see this. I think it is absolutely the right decision for you all, and I would have done the same, I think. Now you can go forward with control, and most of all, peace.
If I was ever in your position, I think I would have made the same decision.
My thoughts, hopes, and prayers are with you and your GM.
Hugs
I am so happy to read this. I am breathing easier, as I was dreading what the surgery would do to your grandma’s mind. I know there are still difficult things to come and that you might end up changing your plan down the road, but I am here for you whatever happens.
i too am very happy to read this. it’s such a touchy subject and everyone has opinions about what they think makes the most sense and it’s so very personal. i was concerned about what surgery would do to your GM and am glad that at least for now you guys are at peace with not going that invasive route. I am hoping for good news from the PET scan but more than anything for peace for all of you.
(1) GM is amazingly lucky to have two wonderful beautiful hearts who love her so very much and who are so focused on advocating what is best for GM. may we all be so lucky to have care like that in our lives…
(2) i can feel the peace in your words, and i am grateful you and mother have found some peace in your plan and how you will proceed with GM’s treatment.
(3) sending you all lots of love and big hugs!
I’m glad for your peace. I don’t have an opinion since I haven’t been in that spot but your careful process sounds perfect. I feel peaceful just reading about it.
cali i’m so glad to read this latest development. i felt the same way but would never, EVER judge your decisions… even now, if you decide to move forward with the surgery at a later date, i will know absolutely that it is the best thing for GM because the decision will come from you. but for now… i’m so happy with your thinking. GM is a lucky, lucky woman.
I think it’s amazing when the universe sends messages like that and everything just clicks and you know in your heart you are doing the right thing. I wish you and GM every good thing. (i’m chauceriangirl’s sister, btw)
Cali, there is nothing easy about this new and unnecessarily cruel (at least it seems so to me) layer that has been added to GM’s already fragile state. However, being able to recognize the signs of grace and opportunities for a heightened sense of peace are blessings that I’m so glad that you were given today. I feel like I can breathe just a bit easier for you now.
Nothing more to add other than love and hugs.
Shan
It sounds like you made the very best choice for you, Mother, and GM. It’s hard because there are probably never any right or wrong answers, just determinations of what’s right for you at this point in time. GM is lucky to have such wonderful women in her life, women who are willing and committed to figuring out the very best course of action. I am always thinking of and praying for you. You and Mother and GM remind me so much of me, my mom and sister, and our grandmother. A female clan of strength, devotion, and love. I know that this is so hard for you, and so emotional, but you will be rewarded. This path you’re following is such a rewarding one.
Good for you. No one knows better than you and your mother what’s best for your grandmother. No doctor knows her like you do. I’m sorry you have to go through this, especially at a time when you should be feeling so much joy.
I would have decided the same thing. Hopefully the PET scan will reveal that the situation is not as dire as it could be. Love to you and GM and snork and your mom, too.
When I grow old, I hope and I pray that I am surrounded by the love, compassion and intelligence that you and your mother wrap around GM. She is beyond lucky to have you both in her life and she can be proud that she raised you all to be the amazing women you are right now.
You are amazing, Cali.
I’ve been thinking of your and your GM. Such hard decisions, but I am glad that you and your Mother have been able to make some choices that feel right to both of you. I hope the news from the PET scan is good.
I’m a huge believer in listening to that inner voice. I’m glad that you’re feeling good about this decision.
FWIW, my grandmother (86 at the time) was diagnosed with late stage ovarian cancer almost 2 years ago. Because of her age and other health issues, she was not deemed a good candidate for surgery, always the first course of action. From what I read online, her prognosis was not good (only 5% survival rate, after cancer and chemo) and yet, after going through chemo alone, she is seemingly cancer free. So you just never know what will happen.
BIG HUGS from Australia. You all remain in my thoughts.
Jennette
Not an easy decision, but I am behind you 100%. What feels right is right. Still thinking of you.
I took my Gma (age 96 with dementia) to get cancer cut out of her shoulder. It was painful even with local anesthetic. They would take some out, then biopsy it, keeping us waiting, then go back for some more, then biopsy it again. Gma was confused and miserable and almost crying. It was too much for her. I felt awful that she had to go through it.
This went on for a couple of hours until I told the doctor enough and he then put stitches in the area. This was a year ago. If she gets any more spots like that, we will just let it go.
Sometimes it IS better to just let something go. When you factor in everything.
You are a wonderful advocate for your GM. You are an amazing woman, too.
I will be hoping that the PET scan shows that this is not as aggressive as it is feared.
Hugs to you.
Remember that the doctors are mostly trained to DO something, and it’s the only way they get paid. I think it’s difficult for them to advocate doing nothing (even if they might think it). It sounds to me as if you have made the hard choice, but the right one for your GM. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but perhaps you should consider finding a palliative care doc now before you actually need one.
Good for you. Listening to the messages we’re given is essential but often difficult when we’re scared and overwhelmed.
I hope the news is better and I wish you the best in finding a strong doctor advocate for GM.
I was hoping that you would get to this place. Good job, I am proud of you.
Cali this must have been a hard decision to make but that being said I do think in light of the Alzheimers you have made the right decision for now. Not having a clear indication of how the possible surgery would effect GM’s mind must have driven you insane…
Good plan – all things will work out for the good – hang onto that!
xxx
Hoping the PET scan is both easier and all normal…
much love,
J
It’s so hard to have to make these decisions, but it is good that you and your mom came to the same conclusion. It sounds like less invasive is a good way to go for the time being.
Hugs.
I admire your decision. I had a sense of relief as I was reading. Big hugs.
Good for you!
Happy to hear that you have been able to wrestle back some control over the whole situation. Now may the gods hear us all and have that PET scan go well. *fingers and toes* crossed that the news is a good as it can be. Sending you all much love and good wishes.
God Bless the universe for sending you such obvious signs! And God Bless you, dear Cali, for realizing the important message! I’m so glad you’ve decided against the surgery. My Mom always said, “Doctors are just PRACTICING medicine,” and we kind of live by that motto.
Hugs to all you amazing ladies.
I’m so glad you’re doing what’s best for GM. Much as you want to have her with you as long as possible, it seems that the experience of doctor visits, hospitalization, surgery and pain would be terrifying for her. It’s very hard for someone who understands what’s going on but it’s a hundred times worse for a person like GM.
I had hoped you wouldn’t be offended by my two comments about it being best, under the circumstances to leave things alone and now I’m glad to see that’s what you and your mother have decided.
I lost my beloved mother when I was 24. She has incurable cancer. The three surgeries she underwent were nightmarish. I believe she agreed to them because she thought it was what my father and I wanted.
If I could do it over again I would have argued strongly for leaving things alone and instead of the surgeries taking her on the trip that she so desired.
I’ll continue to have you and your family in my thoughts in the weeks ahead.
yours are not decisions that come easily or that anyone should have to make. i’m very hopeful that this decision will bring you, your mom, and GM peace. all best.
I totally understand the need to do what you feel is best for GM. As her primary caretakers I truly believe that you and your Mother know her better and have a greater understanding of how things might affect GM. The greatest gifts you can give your GM are to love, protect and be her advocate, you and your Mom are her voice. I will keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers.
Good for you. I think you and your mom are making the right decision in your grandmother’s best interest. I know this is a difficult time for you, and I wish you peace.
I’m so glad you’ve found some peace.