Earlier than even the doctor thought possible, the first part of the pathology report is in. It’s bad ya’ll. Seriously bad. Pathology reports that it is the thickest melanoma that they have ever seen- measuring something like 3mm deep. Every bit of the skin that was sent in was covered in cancer. The doctor said that if GM was 20 years younger that he would want her in tomorrow for extensive surgery of her arm and that he would want chemo to begin immediately. He said there is a very, very significant chance that this cancer is other places on and in GM.
Listening to bad news and being the person that is having to remember and write it all down because you then have to call other people and relay the news is fucking hard.
We have an appointment to go meet with the doctor next Tuesday morning. By then the pathology report will be complete and the doctor will have a list of oncologists for us to consider. Mother has an appointment with her regular doctor this afternoon (who is also GM’s regular doctor) and she will relay the information and see what she says.
And right now I feel so sad and confused. I mean getting this kind of diagnosis for someone who is 87 and with stage 7 Alzheimer’s is all kinds of nuts. What the hell do we DO? How aggressive should we be?
And what do we say to GM? Sweet GM who is currently half napping and half watching the Price is Right.
How did this little, average looking blood blister become this epic thing of awful? Could I have made it better if I had taken her in to the dermatologist sooner?
Wave of sadness is here.
{ 112 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh honey, I’m sorry. Here if you need a shoulder or someone to listen to the rage.
*hug*
Oh dear. So very sorry. That is bad news indeed.
Ugh, I am so, so sorry that this is happening. I’ll be praying for GM, and YOU.
Could I have made it better if I had taken her in to the dermatologist sooner?
I’m not a doctor, but I’m guessing no. I would assume that, if it was all cancerous tissue, by the time it was at all visible, it was this bad.
Oh, hon. I’m so sorry that you guys have to deal with this. ♥
e-mailing you.
and sending love.
Sweetie, I am so sorry…please let us know what we can do to make this easier. Thinking of you!
First off, I’m just giving you a big hug. Sit with this for a bit, and when you’re ready go for the rest of the comment (with the assvice.)
Assvice #1: I really doubt that this would be all that much different if you’d gone in on the very first day you saw the thing. Melanoma’s aggressive shit, and that didn’t look *anything* like a melanoma (and I’ve seen a friggin’ lot of weird lesions) – so you didn’t hurt anything.
Secondly, I think it’s very reasonable to see the oncologist, do any recommended studies to see what the spread, if any, looks like, and get all of the reasonable information available without hurting/distressing GM unduly.
What to do? I think the very best answer is for you & your mom to sit down together, once you have all the info from the oncologist, and ask yourselves what you’d want done for you in GM’s position. Weighing out likelihood of cure, vs how distressing/uncomfortable the treatment would be, vs all other factors. I can’t possibly tell you the right answer, but you and your mom will come up with it. (And if you want to email about it, you know where to find me – I’ve had to counsel people through this sort of crappiness at work and have dealt with it in my own family. Been there, and it blows mightily.)
Sending you, and GM, and everyone love. I’m very sorry to hear this.
Nothing you could do, or could have done about this. Do not place any blame on yourself. Hug her, hug your mom. Listen to what the doctors say and go from there. Love doesn’t cure all, but it helps.
I’m so sorry. I know I have been MIA for awhile but wanted to send you my well wishes with everything going on in your life. Hugs to you.
Sending you hugs and clam healing vibes. You did the right thing at the right time and you have GM’s best wishes at heart. You will do the very best that you can and it will be enough.
I am so sorry. This massively sucks.
No, you couldn’t have done anything. These things just happen for no reason at all.
We are all here for you.
hugs, big big hugs. to you and to GM. I am so sorry about this.
Oh, I am so sorry. This seems so unfair.
Oh hon, no. This is not, repeat NOT, something you could have prevented or made better by going in sooner.
I am sitting here all snotty and gross at work reading this. I wish there were something I could do other than give you that visual.
I am so sorry. I have nothing more to give than that. Well, and this, my grandmother has Alzheimer. She also currently has a tumor growing inside her midsection that anyone else would know about. But she doesn’t. And she doesn’t remember. And if we tell her, she forgets either from Alzheimer’s or from wanting to forget. And, while it is really hard on everyone else, she is coasting through this like it is not big deal. — granted she is in no pain and although she can’t breathe as well (it is now pressing on her lungs) she has no idea that she isn’t breathing as well. Good luck and another HUG!
Sweetie, I am so sorry to hear this terrible news. There is nothing that you could have done. You are a wonderful granddaughter and caretaker for your grandmother. Wrapping you in hugs.
I’m so so sorry that you and your mom and your GM are facing this. How lucky your GM is to have you to make decisions for her with so much love.
If you had gone in any earlier, the doctor wouldn’t have seen it as anything other than a blood blister, and then there wouldn’t be the chance to have knowledge now, knowledge that will hopefully lead to options to do improving things (of one kind or another).
LOVE
I’m sorry beyond words Cali.
I’m so sorry Cali. I don’t think you could have done anything differently to change the outcome, so don’t blame yourself. Will be thinking of you.
Oh, I’m so sorry, Cali. I’m certain you couldn’t have done anything earlier – it’s not your fault. I’m thinking of you and your family today and hoping for the best.
xo
Oh, no! So sorry.
Totally agree with Elowyn’s comment.
Let us know how we can be there for you.
Ohhh sweetie, I’m so very sorry. I don’t have any assvice on what you should do, but I know you will figure it out because that’s what you do. I just pray that she isn’t or won’t be in pain and that it will be the best choice for your family. *giant hugs*
I’m amazingly sorry too. And I agree that you did the right thing at the right time. If there’s ANYTHING… Sending lots of love and hugs to you all. xxxx
PS: that should have read “If there’s ANYTHING I can do…” (kind of obviously) xxxx
I’m so very sorry. My thoughts are with you, your mom, and dear GM.
oh wow I am so sorry to hear this. I can’t say anything that hasn’t been said already. You couldn’t have done anything different in taking care of GM. I know for a fact how hard and demanding it is. You are a wonderful grand daughter and a wonderful caretaker. GM is so lucky to have you in her life. I really agree that you and mom need to sit down and talk about it after you have the rest of the results in. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family… How is little snoorkle doing??
I am so sorry to hear this. Please don’t blame yourself. I don’t think there’s anything you could have done to prevent it. I don’t have any advice as to what to do, but I hope the doctor gives you and your mom several options and I know you will choose what’s best for your gm. I am so sorry.
Because there are no real words to help easy your heart and soul, I just want to say big hugs to you, your mom and GM.
Oh Shit Shit Shit
My grandmother had breast cancer and alzheimers at the same time.
The breast cancer was slow-growing, and we wound up doing a few radiation treatments but no chemo, as it seemed just like too much to ask of a woman who moved from decade to decade by the moment.
And no – I don’t think you could have anticipated this any sooner – don’t torture yourself with that. Please.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
I’m so sorry, Cali. Damn. Just terrible news.
Holler if you need some lovin’. I’m here and my shoulders are WIDE open.
Oh Cali. I am so sorry.
Oh my. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this, you are an amazing caretaker. So much love being sent to your GM, mom, and yourself.
I’m thinking of your whole family. Really sorry you had to be the one to give bad news to others.
Oh, Cali, I am so very sorry that this is happening. I will echo what others have said: there is nothing you could have done better. You acted when it was logical to act. You are such a good caregiver to your GM.
Big, huge hugs and prayers for your family.
Sending many hugs darlin, lots & lots of ‘em!
Just remember – there is NO blame, and there is NO right OR wrong. Only what is right for your family.
Thinking of you all as you work through these details.
Oh I am so so sorry hun. That is just awful. I wish so much I could do something, anything to help.
Cali, I’m so sorry to hear that. It just sucks, no two ways about it. I have no advice [assvice?], just know I’ll be thinking of you guys.
So sorry to hear it, and thinking of you and GM and Mother.
oh sweetie, i am so so sorry to read and hear this… i hope you will be able to let go and rid your mind and your beautiful heart of the fears/thoughts you could have done something sooner ~ because you could not have known, and everyone who spoke the same things i am saying is correct. you are a phenomenal force of love and care in GM’s world, and also in ours… know you all are in my thoughts and prayers and if you ever need anything, i would do anything for you…
much love and big invisible-ink hugs!
xo,
gypsy
So sorry Cali, more hugs for all three (four) of you… and ditto aboves
Oh Cali…I am so very sorry to hear this. I will continue to pray for you all and hope that something can be done.
Thinking of you and sending big hugs!!!
Oh, honey, I am so sorry. Sending love and light down south….
I’m very very sorry you are dealing with this blow – sending strength to you all.
I’m with Elowyn on waiting till the oncologist has laid out the options before deciding what to do and avoiding goog.le etc until you have seen the dr – very hard I know.
oh no. i’m so sorry for you and GM. geez i’m convinced that happy times never come without a price. we are dealing with some difficult stuff in our family as well. why can’t we get a pass? i know that you and your mother will figure out the very best care for sweet GM. hang in there cali – you have so many friends here.
oh, sweetie.
1. Do NOT blame yourself. At all. If it was that advanced, going to the dermatologist a week sooner wouldn’t have made a bit of difference. You did the best you could. You do not have special cancer-detecting eyes. You’ve done nothing wrong.
2. What do you do now… Well… I guess it depends on what the oncologist says. If invasive surgery and chemo will give her 10 more years, go for it. If it will give her an extra 2 months, don’t. Do the things that make her happy. Get the best out of each and every day you have in front of you. Is there something that you have dreamed of doing with GM? Something GM always dreamed of doing, a place she dreamed of going? Do it. Go there. Make it all count.
{{HUGS}} my new friend. I’m so sorry this has happened.
So so sorry. I wish I had something better to say. Just sorry.
*hugs*
Oh sweetie–I am sending so many good thoughts to your GM. But also to you. You are in such a hard space right now.
Oh Cali…..I’m so sorry…why do good and bad things always seem to happen at the same time?
When we’ve been faced with the decision regarding my 95-year-old grandmother it’s come down to a quality of life issue. She hates hospitals and surgery is so disorienting. Hopefully you have a doctor that you trust who will be honest with you about the possible outcomes and the risks.
I’m sure that you’ll make the right decision just as you have all along….
I am so sorry.
My family went through a similar thing about 5 years ago with my great grandma. She was 89 and had terrible dementia when she was diagnosed with melanoma. We choose to make her comfortable not be aggressive with treatment. Her doctor indicated that treatment would have been too tough for someone of her age.
Good luck with whatever your family decides. There is no wrong or right answer and it is so impossible to think about. I will keep you all in my prayers.
so sorry to hear this awful news…thinking of all four of you…
Oh honey. I’m just heartbroken over the news you received for Grandma. What a terrible set of news to receive.
My first inclination when reading this was it was God’s way of having a way to take her sooner than allowing her mind to completely melt away all her memories and thinking abilities that comes with Alzheimers. And in the long run, if she’s able to be kept pain free, this may end up being a blessing over what could be her future of being completely disconnected at all times.
Of course I hope with all my heart this isn’t anything that can overcome her immediately or even in the near future. I’m only looking at the big picture. In thinking of treatment, doing aggressive intervention which would be so hard for a perfectly functioning person, much less someone in your grandma’s position would be hard. So thinking of how hard it is for her the day following a trip to the doctor’s office, I can’t begin to think of how she would react with something to debilitating. I will hope that the doctor won’t simply give you a set of options, but to also discuss how he thinks each of those options would fare with her.
C, I’m just so sorry. We’re here for your shoulder to cry on when it’s you who has to be so strong for everyone else. ~hugs~
I’m so sorry. That is not fair! Good luck making the decisions you need to make.
Oh god. Fucking cancer. Thinking of you all. Hugs.
Big Hugs Cali. This totally sucks to hear. Keeping you and GM in my prayers.
That is such horrible news, but don’t for one second believe or think that you could have done anything differently, you take beautiful care of her. Thinking of you.
I’m so sorry, Cali. I’m sure it would have made no difference if you’d taken her in sooner. Don’t beat yourself up about it. You’ve got too much going on to waste energy on that. We’re sending you lots of love as you make decisions about next steps.
I am so sorry Cali. Sending many prayers for your GM, and for you and your Mom as you learn more and weigh all the options.
Shit Cali, I cannot believe this sad news… I can only hope and pray that the doctors guide you in the correct course of treatment that will be the least “agressive” in terms of what it does to GM’s state of mind while conquering the foe…
Sending you millions of virtual hugs!!
xxx
You know hon…I think everyone has said what I would have said so all I will add are my hugs too. I’m so sorry that this has been added to the mix. I can’t imagine and I have no words of wisdom…only my support.
Hugs sweetie,
Shan
I am sorry you got such bad news. I hope there will be an easy answer for all of you.
so very sorry cali…
oh sweetie .. hugs you all tightly…
Very sorry, and I have no wisdom. I’m sure you caught it at the right time and don’t listen to the voice that says otherwise.
damn, i am so sorry to hear this! sending lots of peace your way.
Oh Sweetie, I’m so so sorry. Your adorable and spunky GM just doesn’t deserve this. Your family is in my thoughts and you and your mom will make the best decision possible for GM. love to you all
I am so very sorry. Sending good, healing thoughts to GM.
I’m so sorry. My thoughts are with you and your family as you try to figure out what to do. You were great to do something about the blister as soon as you did.
Calli–I’m so very sorry.
Shit. Oh Cali, I’m so, so, sorry. You and your family will be ever-present in my thoughts.
So sorry Cali. I hope you guys get some better news at the dr next week.
Oh sweetie, this is terrible news. Just wait and hear what the doctor(s) propose for treatment. You don’t need to make any decisions until you hear the options. I wish I were closer and could go to the appointments with you.
Fuck. we love you.
i hope that you see the enormous compassion, dedication and love with which you care for your grandmother. it’s okay that you’re not omniscient. really.
i agree with elowyn. and i’m certain that you and your mother will come up with a plan that best preserves your GM’s quality of life. best to you and your family.
God, I’m so sorry about this news.
Oh Cali, I am so sorry to hear that. Please don’t beat yourself up. You did the best you could for her. You have said before how it disorients her to do the hospital and doctors visits and stuff. It is a delicate balance and there was no way for you to know. Please focus on the now instead of the coulda, shouda, woulda’s. We love you and are sending you support and hugs.
we love you.
So sorry to hear the awful news for GM. I agree with Nancy about this perhaps being God’s way. And I hope your doctors concur with whatever decision you and your Mother make regarding treatment/no treatment. I’m praying for you all and very glad your GM has YOU looking after her. Hugs all ’round.
And NO, you could not have changed the outcome, dear Cali. Melanoma’s one of the nastiest, stealthiest cancers. So please throw those negative thoughts away!
I am so sorry.
Sending you massive love.
so, so, so sorry, Cali. If there was something you or anyone could do about these things, then no one would ever be in these types of situations, right? You don’t have special cancer-sensing psychic abilities, hon. No one does. xoxo
Shit Cali,
There are no words.
I am so sorry. SO very very sorry.
What makes it the hardest is that GM cannot make the decision about her treatment because of her cognition. It’s damn hard to make those kind of decisions for someone else.
Much love,
J
Oh no! I am so very very sorry. You, your mom and your precious grandma are in my thoughts. I don’t know what else to say…so awful…all I can wish for your grandmother is no pain, no suffering.
ah sweetness – you did not make it worse. I know from experience that saying that doesn’t make those feelings go away, but I say it anyway because it’s true. Your care has only greatly improved and lengthened GM’s life.
Lots of hugs and love as you deal with this.
I am so so sorry for this news. I am sure that there was nothing that you could or should have done differently about getting this looked at sooner. I know this is going to involve some very difficult decisions for you and mom, and I wish you much strength to be able to make them. Love to you all.
I am so, so sorry. For the bad news you received, and for the difficult decisions ahead. I will be thinking of your family.
Oh Cali. We’ve got you in our prayers. This really is sad news to hear.
Shit. I’m so so sorry. Many positive thoughts coming your way for you, your mom and GM. hugs to you.
i’m so sorry.
I am very sorry and thinking of you.
That is all kinds of bad rolled into one. I will continue to keep GM in my thoughts and prayers. Try not to beat yourself up, you take good care of GM, she is very loved. Thinking peaceful thoughts as you and your Mom face difficult decisions as you continue to care for GM.
I am so sorry to hear about GM. My thoughts are with you, your mom, GM, and the baby.
I love you.
Calli… so sorry, there are just no words.
I’m so sorry. Sending you hugs.
So so sorry. Thinking of you and sending hugs and prayers your way.
I am so so so sorry. I Totally relate… we had a similar experience with my own GM (who suffers from a stroke and dementia, and who I have mentioned before) when she was diagnosed with a very aggresive form of breast cancer at 91and in her current condition . To make a loooong story short, we picked the least invasive option that had the best potential life-lengthening outcomes. If that makes sense… Having to make the decision was incredibly tough (and fell on my dad, more than me) but I know how awful a situation it puts you in. Especially because I am not sure there is a “right” thing to do, only what is right for you and your family… I am so sorry you have to go through this… Big hugs…
Oh man, this sounds so bad. I’m sorry this is happening.
Sending big time hugs your way! I don’t have any personal stories or assvice for you, but I do work for general surgeons and we see this all the time. We want the family to have all the options/treatments available if they want them – but 9 times out of 10, they go with comfort for their loved one. It’s such a hard decision to make, but I agree with others in saying that you need to get all the info from the Oncologist and go from there.
I’m so sorry that you have to go through this, your grandmother is so lucky to have you and your mother in her life.
PS: We had a gentleman in the office a few weeks ago with a lesion being removed that looked like a freckle (it was so small). The only reason he had it removed was because it was new and on his face. It was Clark’s stage 5 melanoma and very invasive. See, nothing you could have done with GM’s blood blister. This guys’ was brand new and that invasive so it doesn’t really matter, cancer has a mind of it’s own. =(
You must know how sorry I am for this bad news. I read your blog every day and have been silently clapping for the pregnancy news. Now I am silently sending you hugs of support.
I totally agree with those other commenters that you could have done nothing to change this. Your reaction is normal; we tend to chastise and question ourselves when something like this happens but life tosses us things that we Do Not Have Control over. We just dont.
I am always a listening post if you ever need to vent or cry. Sometimes it is easier to get it all out with a perfect stranger than friends that know you well. Not that I’m perfect….but I’ve been told I am good support.
Just thinking of you all, that’s all I can say.
Oh dear. Will pray foryour family.
I am so sorry. So very sorry. You’re all in my thoughts and prayers.
I’m sorry GM is in such a bad way. I can understand your feelings of guilt. Your job is to take care of GM and you feel like you failed in your obligation to her but that’s not at all the case. Nothing would have changed if you took her to the dermatologist the instant you first noticed the thing.
My MIL has been battling skin cancer for years. She’s an avid boater/sunbather and she never wore sunscreen up to the time the first melanoma was discovered on her face about eight years ago. She’s considerably younger than your GM and she chose to treat it aggressively, which is the correct decision for her.
But my MIL understands what is going on and she can take an active role in her treatment. Your GM would be in pain, confused and miserable if she had the type of aggressive surgery and follow-up chemotherapy that would be necessary to treat it. Even if everything medically possible was done to treat this particular cancer it sounds like she probably has other cancers that have yet to be discovered.
You and your mom will discuss this but I think your GM’s quality of life will be much better if you take a hands-off approach and let nature take its course. Pain medication if and when it is needed and arranging hospice care would be the way I’d go if she were my GM.
These decisions are very hard. I went through signing a DNR order for my father who had Alzheimers and liver cancer. It was the right thing to do but I still feel sorry that I had to make that choice. Alzheimers and cancer are horrible. They’re the greatest enemies of what should be a peaceful and enjoyable old age.
I will be thinking of you and GM and praying for the best possible outcome.
I’m sending you all lots of love.
I’m sorry.
my GM had alzheimers when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. They did a double masectomy a few days later. Frankly, it was a horrible horrible thing but I don’t think at that point she was aware of it – which in the end was a bit of a blessing. thinking of you and your family.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))) so sorry to hear the distressing news. You’re all in my prayers.
I’m so, so sorry.
I am so sorry to hear this. It is weird to be pregnant and then have to deal with death — all very “circle of life”-y. My dad died 5 days after Baby S was born, and it was very hard not to let it rob me of my happiness over Baby S’s arrival. Take some time each day, even if only a few minutes, to enjoy and truly be happy for your pregnancy and the life within you.