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If I were to tell you.
Do you ever have those moments where you are just barely clinging to yourself? I feel so quiet and still right now. I feel like I am alone in an empty room and that I have been told to not make a sound. I feel scared and worried and emotional and nervous. I feel like I will certainly never make it to Friday. I feel anxious and intoxicated and panicked and static.
I feel like if I was a fish alone in an ocean I would open my little fish mouth and a little bubble would escape. And I would watch the bubble slowly rise to the surface of the ocean and as soon as it burst you would hear, “please”.
If I were to tell you how anxious I am about Friday it would not be enough. I am suspended in the air, a slow motion woman, aiming her mind and body towards a target marked “perfect”.
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31 Responses to “If I were to tell you.”
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the reality is…you are surrounded by a lot of little fish that open up their mouths and their little bubbles escape and when they reach the top of the ocean, there are a million whispered “please”s going out to the universe for you…
love you so much and am sitting here quietly with you, squeezing your hand back…friday will be here soon. and it will all be good. i am the queen of HOPE these days.
xoxo
good luck, good luck, good luck. wishing you much strength in your quiet, and quiet perfection on friday (and beyond)
Sending so much love hun. I hope the week is filled with lots of laughter and fast days and nights.
I am sending out lots of YES YES YES bubbles to you.
I love gyspy grrl’s idea.
And pregnancy is terrifying, Cali. Absolutely terrifying. We’re here with you now, boosting you up.
Love you lots.
your description is so perfect. i know just what you mean. i hope friday is here in the blink of an eye and that there is only amazing and fanstatic news, that causes your eyes to overflow with tears of joy for that little being you see on the screen.
Hurdles, hurdles and more hurdles. You clear one and another one looms. You get the result you were hoping for, praying for, and what’s up ahead? Another hurdle! And it never, ever ends. That’s the worst part: it never ends.
I hope you can relax and be calm and enjoy each moment for what is is. BTW, the Bridges project sounds like a very good idea. I’ll definitely check it out.
Oh but what an even better view, one week later, you will see of that little marvel that is now securely embedded and flourishing deep inside you.
That is my stand and I am sticking with it.
This suspended terror should come with cryogenic freezing, or mind-blanking or something. I hate the thought of you so scared. Hang in there. On Friday, your little bubbles will be saying “YES!”. Much love.
Ah yeah, they will all be saying YES, YES, YES. And so will we. Big hugs and love and squishy things from me!!
A bath would feel so good and fit in perfectly with the stillness. Maybe after GM goes to bed tonight… light some candles in your bathroom, draw a bath (not too hot) and just sink in. Help the tension relax from your body… and it matches with the underwater imagery. I love you so much and my “please” and “perfect” and “celebration” bubbles are right there with you. May the hours move swiftly to Friday.
This is why we need a home ultrasound machine immediately. How much could those things cost anyway?
My fingers are crossed for Friday. It will be okay, the Universe doesn’t dare mess with me.
Strength and love and wishes and hopes and peace. And nothing less than perfect on Friday.
Thinking of you and feeling confident on your behalf.
Wish their was something I could say to make you feel better but I know their are no words…. . Just know that you have lots of people thinking of you and sending you warm, calming, healing thoughts your way! I wish you all the best on Friday!!
absolutely perfect description! sending you warm thoughts and holding my breath with you for a fantastic conclusion to your week on friday!
I feel the pain of your nervousness and desperation….you describe it beautifully. I remember that part of the wait. I told myself over and over, “you will get through it, whatever happens.” And you will. And wonderful things will happen, I’m sure of it.
Hoping the week passes quickly and Friday is here before you know it. Hugs coming you way to help you make it through the week.
Yes I have felt like that. Many times. Thank you for putting it into such beautiful words. Too bad it doesn’t feel that beautiful.
A bajillion ~hugs~.
My fingers haven’t stopped being crossed for you. Every time I log on to your site a wave of tangled hope hits me.
aw cali. you are not alone. you will make it to friday.
i bet starrhillgirl’s bubbles will say “WOO” and “HOO”
mine will say *yippee* on friday…
until then, sending out a lot of love your way!!!
we are with you. you walk in this life, and into that doctor’s office, with all of our blessings and warm spirits….
Huge hugs. The waiting is so hard. May you come out the other side grinning and giddy.
you have such a gift cali. truly, you need to know how amazingly talented you are with words, to be able to describe your inner world, your most complex and private emotions in such detail and with such finesse, to allow all of us in there with you. i am in awe of that skill.
i am sending you all sorts of positive and hopeful thoughts and vibes and good stuff to get you to a fabulous friday. i know it will be ok.
What Melissa said. I love your writing, and I hope this weeks FLIES by until Friday.
Thinking of you Cali! I wish I could MIB you until Friday morning so you can escape this feeling you are stuck in and only regain the zen good feeling once you see your baby on that screen on Friday - hale and hearty!
HUGS!!!
xxx
I’ve always described as feeling like there is this solid, outer shell. And I am crouched somewhere inside me. I’m holding a lot of hope for you for Friday. Sending peace of heart.
You aren’t alone. Ditto and thank you for putting words to it.
Hugs.
I always felt it was strange to want a day to come so desperately, but still want it to be further away, all at the same time. It’s not a nice feeling, I know.
I’ll be thinking of you, now, and through Friday. I might actually comment on the same bloody day as a post!
Good luck dear.