When you least expect it

I have mentioned before that I am a genuine Ace when it comes to preparing for bad and shitty news. As much as I try to dwell in a hopeful place (& I genuinely do for other people), usually I am often having an internal battle with my resident pessimist that lives in my head and the result often sounds like this: “Here comes the bad stuff. Get ready. Brace yourself. Bad stuff is totally coming.”

My unpregnancy in December got me through 3 beta tests. They were betas of 36, 155, 160. And it was waiting for that 3rd beta that I began to really get worried. I started to feel horrible and doomsday from the inside out. And when the bad news call happened I didn’t even flinch. I was resolved instantly.

This morning I had blood drawn for my 3rd beta. It has been an anxious couple of days over here and I have felt very self-protective. My goal for the day was a very over-reaching goal. I wanted MORE than double. I wanted something that would blow the memory of the unpregnancy out of my mind. But a part of me worried that it would be a cycle of bad news.

All day I have been chanting “800 to 1000″ in my mind. See? Cocky overacheiving little fucker that I am, I wanted something beyond normal. I wanted Rock Star. Just once.

And when the home office covert fax arrived it freaked me out. I misread it totally. I saw the numbers “1025″ and nearly fell over from excitement. But then upon closer inspection I realized that “1025″ was actually “10:25″ as in that is when the blood arrived at the lab. The lab form was just my progesterone and estrogen levels. I would have to wait more.

Waiting sucks ass. But ya’ll know that.

Then another covert fax arrived. And I actually had to call Mother at work to see if she could see what I was seeing. It couldn’t be true.

Just when you least expect it good news can make you silent with shock and awe. Beta is 2171.

And not to say the P word or anything…but I think I might be knocked up right now. And I think I have never been this happy in all of my life. Bottling this feeling.

UPDATE:

Northeast clinic just called and they want me to have an ultrasound tomorrow or monday. Um. Holy shit!