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The Groups
When you least expect it
I have mentioned before that I am a genuine Ace when it comes to preparing for bad and shitty news. As much as I try to dwell in a hopeful place (& I genuinely do for other people), usually I am often having an internal battle with my resident pessimist that lives in my head and the result often sounds like this: “Here comes the bad stuff. Get ready. Brace yourself. Bad stuff is totally coming.”
My unpregnancy in December got me through 3 beta tests. They were betas of 36, 155, 160. And it was waiting for that 3rd beta that I began to really get worried. I started to feel horrible and doomsday from the inside out. And when the bad news call happened I didn’t even flinch. I was resolved instantly.
This morning I had blood drawn for my 3rd beta. It has been an anxious couple of days over here and I have felt very self-protective. My goal for the day was a very over-reaching goal. I wanted MORE than double. I wanted something that would blow the memory of the unpregnancy out of my mind. But a part of me worried that it would be a cycle of bad news.
All day I have been chanting “800 to 1000″ in my mind. See? Cocky overacheiving little fucker that I am, I wanted something beyond normal. I wanted Rock Star. Just once.
And when the home office covert fax arrived it freaked me out. I misread it totally. I saw the numbers “1025″ and nearly fell over from excitement. But then upon closer inspection I realized that “1025″ was actually “10:25″ as in that is when the blood arrived at the lab. The lab form was just my progesterone and estrogen levels. I would have to wait more.
Waiting sucks ass. But ya’ll know that.
Then another covert fax arrived. And I actually had to call Mother at work to see if she could see what I was seeing. It couldn’t be true.
Just when you least expect it good news can make you silent with shock and awe. Beta is 2171.
And not to say the P word or anything…but I think I might be knocked up right now. And I think I have never been this happy in all of my life. Bottling this feeling.
UPDATE:
Northeast clinic just called and they want me to have an ultrasound tomorrow or monday. Um. Holy shit!
It is easy being Green.
Despite my genuine love of recycling I am probably the least granola blogger around. I aspire to be eco-friendly. I really want to eat only organic. I have friends that live beautifully green and I want to be like them. Thankfully one of my friends (& yours!) has started a new blog that will help us see how easy it is to be green.
Sarah (of Sarah Solitaire) has launched The Green Frugalista. I am so impressed by her reviews and her willingness to make something we all want to be (earth friendly) attainable.
About the new site:
Do you want to go green but are scared off by the high price of organic items?
Would you like to buy more eco-friendly products but don’t think you have the time to drive to five different specialty stores to find everything?
Are you hoping to be more of a tree hugger but don’t have the time to make everything yourself?Don’t worry, The Green Frugalista is driving around (in her Prius, of course) doing the hard work for you, and is checking out products that you can actually afford and find in your local stores. Check back regularly for product reviews, shopping commentaries and more.
Pretty effing cool, right? Check it out and let her know I sent you.
Did you really think I was done talking about it?
I mean. Seriously. It is pretty much all that I think of when I am not thinking about other things. It takes up virtually all of my free time and it inspires me to have wicked crazy dreams at night.
I am, of course, referring to NON reality show television.
When I recently wrote about the summer shows I was watching/enjoying I knew that I would be able to come back to the subject and discuss the _______ (wait. what do we call shows that aren’t reality shows??) that I have grown to love in the hot, sweltering, summer months. There are quite a handful of programs out there getting my prime DVR space. Let’s talk about them:
1) Mad Men: I didn’t watch this show last season because by the time I had heard about it the plot was too thick for my small brain to penetrate. Thankfully AMC put the entire first season on demand and I watched every episode in one weekend (which is pretty much the best way to spend a weekend when you are trying not to think about other things.) I love this show. Love. And not just because I have serious covet over the female wardrobe, but because it is smart, clever, and surprisingly deep. PLUS I just had a mind-blow the other night when I realized that Cut-throat Bitch from House plays Mrs. Draper’s next door neighbor, Francine!
2) The Closer: Some episodes are brilliant. Some episodes all I can think about is how shitty Brenda’s southern accent is. Some episodes feel a LOT like Murder She Wrote- right down to that Jessica Fletcher styled “aha”moment. Man I miss Jessica…
3) Burn Notice: This show was The Awesome last year. A funny action show- brilliant! This season feels a bit stalled and I can’t figure out why. Too much of Michael’s Mother? Not enough Fiona? But it is still totally worth checking out. They do a pretty good job of making each show virtually independent of the rest so you don’t really have to have seen every episode to enjoy it.
4) Swingtown: Look. I’ll be honest. The ONLY reason I first tuned in to this show is because of a past secret love affair I had with Melrose Place. Grant Snow is here: often topless, and TOTALLY working the ’stache. The plot is goodish but tune in to watch Janet steal every scene with her wide eyed panic over the 70’s.
5) My Boys: Who knew TBS had it in them? From the network that brings you 4 episodes of The Beverly Hillbillies a day comes this totally original and fun sit-com. The writing is wonderful and the characters are very well fleshed out. Last year TBS ran back to back 30 minute episodes and it was like candy. This year you just get one episode a week. If you haven’t watched it you can catch up on demand. 100% endorsing. It is that good.
6) Psych: If you are in your 30’s you must watch this show. Sure it is a bit like Scooby Doo when it comes to the basic plot of each episode (which is usually a murder) but it is the banter between Shawn and Gus that make this show one of my favorites. In every episodes there are laugh out loud mentions of 80’s pop culture. This last week was an homage to John Hughe’s movies.
7) Monk: I put this show on the list because I felt like I had to. I mean it comes on the same night as Psych and it is usually quirky and interesting. But if I am being honest, it just feels a bit forced this season. I used to be able to laugh at Monk, now he just makes me anxious.
8 ) Weeds: This is another show that I never watched until a month ago. I also spent an entire weekend watching previous seasons on demand. And now that they have finally done away with the most annoying theme song ever I am totally hooked. Sure, there was a story line recently that really bothered me, but this show is always moving forward and taking me out of my comfort zone. And how hot is the new Mexican mayor character?!
9) In Plain Sight: This show is hit or miss for me. The main character is 80% annoying, but I think I am easing up on judging her. I dig seeing part of the witness protection program at work- even though I am sure it isn’t really like how the show portrays it. But it is one of those mysticism things and I have always found the subject fascinating. Warning: annoying Mother character played by Leslie Ann Warren, the go-to actress for annoying Mothers.
Are any of you guys watching these shows? What are your thoughts? If you are going to talk about recent episodes be sure to give a spoiler alert. (Like the last episode of the first season of Mad Men!! WOW!)
That old feeling is squashed: UPDATE
What really sucks is that I am so good at preparing for the worst. SO good. I am like a four star general of waiting for the shoe to drop. And even now, as I try to sit firmly in a happy place, I am feeling the fog lift up around me. It is trying to take me in.
On the way back from the blood lab (& hell yes I was covert fax number add-on girl again) a scene from one of my all time favorite movies popped into my head. It is actually one of the most scary scenes of the movie and to this day it gives me the creeps. And yet, there it was, playing on repeat in my mind, preparing me for the worst…
I hate that I am so good at the dread.
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UPDATE
Too lazy to do a new post but the numbers are in and I am thusly relaxed. For now. heh
Estradiol = 279
Progesterone = 46.1
Beta = 326
Look! A chart that shows, for once, that I am normal. Sweet!
Scattergories: bad girl edition
SCATTERGORIES - it’s harder than it looks! Play here or play on your blog. (note to those new to the game: these don’t have to be actual truths. If it helps- replace the word “you” in the questions & substitute it with “someone”.) Play on! Use the first letter of the answer to the first question to come up with answers for the rest of the question.
1) What is name of the subject you hated most in high-school?
2) Something you would yell to a bartender?
3) Something you would get arrested for?
4) Something you would flash?
5) Something you would get a tattoo of?
6) Something you would drink on a dare?
7) Something you would wear to go out dancing?
8 ) Something you would find in your bedside table?
9) Something you would say if you ran into your boss at a party?
10) Something that would make the neighbors call authorities?
Were you looking for something?
Being covert and clever has its pros and cons. I mean I should TOTALLY get points for adding my home fax number to the blood order this morning, right? Because then I would get the results the same time as Northeast Clinic and could just sit pretty until the call back nurses got to calling me with the numbers. I could be all, “I KNOW!!” or maybe I would pretend like it was news and flex the skills I learned at acting school.
Except, as is usually the case with me, my best laid plans tend to get a bit fucked up.
I got the fax (e-mailed to me in a pdf format) and I COULDN’T READ IT.
I could maybe make out a number, but not really. And that, my dear friends, is annoying as fuck. Because don’t we all just want that wonderful movie moment where we get the news, realize that it is good, and then collapse into the bliss? And when you get a muddy looking fax it sort of robs you of any chance at feeling brilliant or blissful.
So I called the blood lab and asked them to refax. There was a bit of hold music as I am sure a supervisor was consulted about faxing to what I blurted out was my “home office”. You gotta love HIPPA. I was actually hoping they could just TELL me the number. I knew I had a better chance of the blood lab relaying the info in a timely manner than Northeast Clinic (seriously, they kind of suck with the prompt call backs).
So I held. And then finally I was told, sigh, that they would refax. And I prayed like a motherfucker for not only a good number but an EASY TO READ number. I don’t ask for much…
And now I can finally say, without any doubt of fax smudginess, that my 14 dpo beta is 121. I am in a haze of happiness and relief. Will have repeat on Monday, but am refusing to stress between now and then. Nope. Not going to do it.
Let You Entertain Me
So while we pry our eyes away from the clock let’s talk about my favorite thing: tv. MMMMM….I do love me some tv. And summer is chock full of train-wreck reality television. Yummy.
Here is what I am watching and some of my super brilliant thoughts:
1) So You Think You Can Dance: Everything about this show makes me smile. I love the host and think that we would totally be good drinking buddies. I adore most of the personalities of the dancers. And as long as the dance has a story line then I eat it up. What I don’t get is some of the inside jokes. ‘Splain me this: what is “buck”? And what does it mean when they put their hand on their shoulders like that? And does anyone else think that Joshua looks a bit like Rosie Perez? And how adorable is Twitch?
2) Project Runway: 2 episodes in and I am struggling to find the person I want to root for. I dug Korto but now it seems like she has design insecurities. I like the two rockabilly chicks and am totally amused by the woman that looks like Cher and is obsessed with leatha. But this guy Blayne gives me a tummy ache. (”It’s not a name. It’s an appliance.”) It feels like the cast has a few too many characters that are bent on coming up with stupid catch phrases. Talking about yourself in the 3rd person does not = “hot tranny mess”. “Licious” does not = “fierce”. Design stuff, be yourself, then I will love you. Promise.
3) Nashville Star: I can not stand anything that comes out of Billy Ray’s mouth. His teleprompter skills are horrible and his attempts at impromptu banter make me cringe. So basically I fast forward and listen to the songs and that is it. I don’t even listen to the judges anymore because every week it is the same advice, “be more country”. Gotcha. But to be honest I got sucked into this show because one of the contestants had a great back-story. (mom of 5 sons, always wanted to be a singer…) And I am a total slave to a good back-story. Plus she is a pretty talented woman.
4) Shear Genius: These people are all crazy. Seriously. Crazy. But I have always liked the hair part of a makeover story and this show is all hair. It does get over the top in every episode but the last few have been yanking on the heart strings.
5) Next Food Network Chef: Why am I watching this? WHY?? It sucks hard. It is actually painful. But a part of me is rooting for the total OCD lady with good fashion. But really- I can’t imagine ANY of the contestants hosting their own food show.
6) Design Star: Another time suck that I wish I had never started watching. So so dull and drab. But like I said, I dig a good makeover story…Thank goodness I just saw a commercial for Bravo’s Top Design (it’ll be on in September!)
7) Why I am NOT watching Big Brother: because I think it will give my DVR an STD
So what are you guys watching and loving/hating? We have HOURS to fill while we wait for beta beta bo schmeta…sigh
The problem with happiness
So far I have found only one caveat with being this jubilant and thrilled: getting to and staying asleep is tough as hell. My face is also a bit sore from grinning. There is also this faint headache from unicorn horns poking me in my brain. This morning I woke up and totally farted a rainbow. I’m a fucking goner. Honestly and truly. I have a bus pass to happy town and I am planning on staying there until I get kicked out.
That being said I can imagine that might eventually be a tad annoying so I will try to tone down excessive use of exclamation marks and cartoon imagery. But if you look under my desk these plaid boots are dancing.
Took another test this morning of the digital persuasion. It was my first time using a First Response digital. This brand was purchased because it was new, it was on sale, and because instead of using the P Word the results were either going to be a pleasant “Yes +” or a manageable “No -”. I figured if bad news was a coming that I could tolerate seeing the word “No” vs the words “Not P______”. Very good thinking there, first response. You get a gold star for ease of relating information.
And for those that can’t get enough of what my pee can do you can look here. I vow not to poke anyone’s eye out with a full frontal pee stick again. heh.
GM has been shown the tests and understands what it means. She has shown me how she likes to rock a baby and has been very sweet and soothing. I have an image in my mind of four generations and I keep that image tight in the front of my mind and hope, hope, hope that it will happen.
Thank you all for your awesome outpouring of love. Now it is just keeping it together to beta testing on Friday because, really, that is what it’s all about.
Pendulum Out
You know that pendulum I was talking about? How it swings out or swings in?
Right now it is out in happy land. I hope like hell its stays there for a good long while.
There is a positive pregnancy test in my house. From MY pee. At 11 days past ovulation (8 days past a 3 day transfer). I am hoping like hell this one decides to stay around. We all know that lots of shit can happen, but, unlike last time I am making the choice to be elated from the get go. Fuck angst and nerves. Nothing is in my control right now except how I process this fucking awesome step. The choice is mine: submit to the hallway of doom and bad memories or run for the hills to twirl and sing.
I’m twirling.
Holding of the breath
There is this thing that I do when I am scared. I literally stop breathing for a moment to quiet myself. Now before you start sending in paramedics I only do it for a literal moment. Just a quick instant to hush all of the noise that a body can make during all of that inhaling and exhaling stuff. Sometimes my heartbeat will become really loud. Sometimes the air-conditioner will clang to life. But usually it is just a pure, quiet, silence. And in that silence I am able to tell myself things: Calm down, it will all be OK, it is out of your control…
At this point in the trying game I am running from one breath holding moment to the next. I am rendered completely incapacitated by fear and hope: twin sisters that have taken over for the butterflies and are now braiding each other’s hair inside my rib cage.
There is no in between or half way outcome. The pendulum will either swing out and stay out in a land that is unknown to me, or it will swing back in and chop up my insides and a very familiar way. This is my least favorite part of waiting. There is no bullshit conversation that you can have with yourself that will con your body into working the way you want it to. It either will. Or it won’t.
And it doesn’t stop me from doing the stupid quantifying mind fucks. I light a candle in the morning and if it is still lit by evening I declare meaning in it. I am only human, and isn’t it in our nature to want there to be a reason for everything? Thunder in the sky- the gods must be angry. Lit candle on the kitchen counter- the gods must be giving me a baby.
Ew.
I can’t believe I typed that word. Pretend I didn’t. It gets in the way of my zen.
Sadly I don’t seem to be able to DO much other than hold my breath, gasp for breath, light candles, and watch marathons of Mad Men on demand. If you asked me to bet on an outcome I would not be hopeful.
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