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Places to Go:
When your past visits you.
Something happened this weekend that brought me swiftly back to a specific time in my life. It was just a little story on the news, but instantly I was back in my old life circa 1997-2002. Last night I had vivid dreams about picking up dry cleaning and firing actresses. I woke up with deep, deep anxiety. Seriously I was all in a sweat and my heart was racing.
I have had stupid dreams about my old life out west often, but usually the sick feeling will sort stay with me for several hours. This morning I am proud to say that I woke up, acknowledged the anxiety and then just told myself the truth: that is not my life anymore. It will never be my life again. I have moved on.
One of the sick and fucked up things about infertility is that you can never really escape your past. Each active cycle has residual emotions from a previous cycle. And then I imagine that even once you get pregnant there is still the dirt and grime clinging to you, that ick and fear of waiting for the shit storm that that you are all too familiar with to happen. I wonder if having an actual child after infertility is like the biggest mind blow. Are you suddenly free or do you feel like at any moment it could all be over?
When I was briefly pregnant in late December, early January I was miserable. Honestly. Not physically. But mentally I was completely in a constant state of dread. I knew that if something horrible happened that it would be unlike any horrible I had ever known. A specific emotion that I had witnessed in friends and loved ones, but never really walked through.
And I could beat myself up about it. I am really damn good at self blame. Maybe in my darkest, quiet moments there is still a little part of me that thinks that my doubts made me unpregnant. But I don’t really think I did something. I think shit happens. And it sucks ass when it does.
This weekend I was talking to Sarah about some mirroring personal attitude changes that we both have been working on. She told me about a book that had helped her with her internal shift. I am going to nudge her to blog about it because she is so beautifully eloquent on the subject. But during one of our rapid fire e-mails I told her that I had finally really turned a corner on my depression. I mean sure the medication helps, maybe it even saved me, but I think it also got me to a place where I could evaluate. Elevate.
Things I have let go:
my old job out west
my inability to win lost friendships back
body hating (ok, totally a work in progress, but when I say I have a fat ass I do it with MUCH more love)
and…big shocker (at least to me): infertility
The personal statement that is rocking my world right now: I can’t change the things that can’t be changed.
I shared this with Mother late last night and she reminded me of the Serenity Prayer and something else clicked. Hating on myself, being suffocated by depression, wallowing in the misery of infertility- those were addictions for me. I was (am) addicted to the sadness. It is comforting and familiar and easy to hid in. It doesn’t push me or challenge me, it keeps me anchored down.
So I am going to be working on letting it all go. I can’t change so much, but I can change how I deal with it.
What are you letting go? How can we help each other?
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35 Responses to “When your past visits you.”
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Ooh, that is a hard question. I am mostly trying to let go on the blame I have for myself in not realizing a friend I had was a bad friend. I am to loyal and I forgave her too many times.
This year? I’m specifically having trouble letting go of my brother. 5 years is a hard number.
But yesterday we went to the beach while at pride.
The last time I was on a Jersey beach — well, a beach at all, to be honest — was 6 summers ago, when my grandmother was dying. It’s the last summer I had with him, and one of the great pictures we were left with was him out on the beach, teaching my cousin to fly a kite. Last week I had a panic attack about going on Sunday, but I went, and it was gorgeous and wonderful. Today I’m having some residual ache, and I don’t know quite how to deal with it. But I survived, and I kind of want to go back.
letting go. the only way i can do it is slowly. one day at a time. one image i keep in my head is that of my hands holding onto a rope. now if you ask me to let go of the rope suddenly and quickly I can’t do it, the panic kicks in. If you ask me too loosen one thumb today then I can do that. and another day a second finger lets go and so one and slowly but surely i can let the last finger off.
Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh the idea of letting go! Seems to me, on the other side of that “letting go” task, is a kind of peace that I have yet to experience.
Things I’m making progress on letting go:
- childhood issues with my parents
- missing Grandpa (we lost him, suddenly, a little over 4 years ago)
- certain other family issues which I will refrain from calling out publicly
Things I know I need to let go of:
- the idea that everything is controllable, if only I try a little harder
- infertility… this is the toughy for me, as we have no resolution in sight at this point. The holding pattern of waiting, indefinitely, is driving me freaking bonkers. FORTUNATELY, I am LIVING this summer (between Lupron hot flashes), rather than postponing/cancelling/hiding from activities, for any number of IF related excuses.
Must constantly remind myself: we are ALL a work in progress….
i want to let go of the thought that i am fat and will always be fat and cannot do anything to make that change for the long term. i am trying to take things one day at a time. if i can do that, then maybe it won’t all seem so overwhelming. one pound at a time and eventually i will be to my goal. right? i want this so much and yet it always seems i am sabotaging myself and my efforts. it is time to put my head down and get to work and stop making excuses!! great post!
I’m trying desperately to remember that I cannot, no matter what, control most outcomes. Either it will work or it will not.
I’m so afraid tho, Cali. So very afraid.
Honestly? I feel in my heart that I need to let go of something, a big overwhelming, major something, something that, if I let go of it, will feel like I’m stepping into the abyss maybe to never climb out. But I feel like if I don’t let this thing go, I will constantly be in that state of almost-happiness, with that little voice in the back of my head never quite shutting up. What to do?
I’m trying to let go of the thought that infertility is somehow my fault, or that I’m any less of a woman because of it, or that my world will come to an end if I give up treatment.
The Serenity Prayer looping through my mind as I breathe mindfully is the only
way I can get through the day and remain relatively sane and functional.
Blessings to you on your journey of acceptance, courage, and wisdom.
Hmm, this is such a loaded question because I could really go on and on about what I need to accept/let go of
1. I work on this everyday, letting go of the fact that I will never have a relationship with my mom and dad that is healthy and stable so it is better that we have not talked in almost 5 years now.
2. I need to let go of the anger I have for the child that died before I could let him know how much I love him.
3. I can’t always be perfect, I try so hard but the reality is I am human and therefore I am not perfect. I often wake up in a complete sweat dreaming about something I let slide, didn’t do right or just down right fucked it up.
4. I also struggle sometimes with the friendships that I can not get back.
I agree with Nycphoenix though, I can let a little go at a time I don’t have to just let it all go at once. Deep breathing, focus and remember I am a good person and bad things sometimes happen to good people.
Good Luck to you Cali, it is so healthy to just let go.
“Hating on myself, being suffocated by depression, wallowing in the misery of infertility- those were addictions for me. I was (am) addicted to the sadness. It is comforting and familiar and easy to hid in. It doesn’t push me or challenge me, it keeps me anchored down.”
This resonates with me so strongly, I can’t even begin to emphasise how much. Well, so much so I can’t even leave a coherent comment here. I’ll just skip over my own drama, and thank you for writing this post. I hope you find the answer and please make sure you let me in on the secret.
that residual effect is so real. it’s like you relive every negative cycle, every failure, with every new one.
you are right that sometimes we can only change how we deal with a situation, not the situation itself. tough question. I could also go on forever but I’ll try to keep it simple. I’m trying to let go of the idea that my life was supposed to be a certain way and it’s not and never will be. I’m trying to let go of regret, resentment and anger. simple, right?
I am learning to let go of some preconceived notions of myself and precieved expectations of others…. Hasn’t been easy so far.
(NCLM)
I love this post. I am trying desperately to let go of my “former life” as a high-powered professional. It’s not all it was cracked up to be, and it was hurting my health; however, my entire identity was wrapped up in my career. Pathetic, huh?
It’s really interesting to read this post about being addicted to the self-hatred and depression. That’s not something I’ve thought much about before but it makes a lot of sense. I can see how it’s both an easy and unproductive place. Thanks for writing this.
Ohh…hard, loaded question.
I don’t know that I can be eloquent about it in the comments, but my inability to even begin to answer makes me think that I have some work to do.
Thanks for writing this post.
(And I also call my ass fat, but in a good(ish) way.)
I heart Sarah for saying those things out loud. I am trying to do the same.
oh cali i hear you. i don’t know how to NOT be bitter. it’s a slow process, one that i haven’t worked hard to fix. so i have to imagine that with you acknowledging it and challenging yourself, you will be much more successful than i.
I also find myself wallowing in the misery. I am afarid to move forward because of the past. The past is what sometimes holds us still unable to move forward. The only thing that gets me through or partially through is knowing that I am not in control 100% of it. Infertility is a very hard road to go down. I think being “aware” of your feelings is the first step forward.
I am letting go of:
-The hurt that my life didn’t turn out the way I planned.
-The idea that I have to be in a relationship in order to be happy. I’ve been quietly holding on to that Prince Charming fantasy all this time.
-My past failed relationships. I am not the sum of my failures and I am not the only cause of those break-ups.
-My expectations of others
This post was exactly what I needed today. Thank you. xo
((((((((hugs))))))))))
Thank you for expressing how you are feeling. It’s how a lot of us feel and can never express…
Thank you!
What a wonderful post! Letting go sounds so easy, so effortless, but I have found it to be one of the hardest things I do.
I am trying to let go of expectations. Expectations of myself and of others. I am very hard on myself and I cannot control anyone else’s life. All I can do is all I can do. I can do no more. Things will turn out all right in the end.
I’m trying to let go of my approval seeking. It only serves to make me crazy. It would also be nice to get to a point where I could really see myself as attractive. I have moments when I know I am but they are very few and far between.
I understand that feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop or waiting for everything to fall to pieces and have wondered if it’s a self fulfilling prophecy or survival instinct. Still unsure on that one.
I need your wisdom, how did you make those big decisions to leave and quit your job?? That’s what I need to know.
Interesting. I’m not not sure that I agree that depression is an addiction. Certainly, it’s a manifestation of brain chemistry, but addiction? How is my natural (without anti-depressants) brain chemistry an addiction? (Not meant to be argumentative, just trying to mull this over).
Going through difficulty getting pg, then difficulty staying pg and parenthood - it is as you call it, a “mindblow”.
You feel guilty for succeeding because you remember what it was like and because some of the people you relate to the most are still going through the crap. And you know NO ONE should have to go through that. You feel like a fraud everywhere - the park, the store, the IF blogs, the recurrent loss places - trying to straddle a line that you don’t quite fit on either side of. The fears and worries never really go away. I still feel like there was some sort of mistake that happened and it will all be taken away. The irony is - the more I succeeded, the more I got to where I was trying to get - the more I got/get scared. Some days I wake up still waiting for the other shoe to drop and that I am just pushing my luck and any second now it is going to run all out.
And perhaps it is as you say - an addiction to the fear and the misery. Those are things I know, things I have been through. I don’t want them again - but I understand them, having been my first education, and in a strange way - that known is a perverse sort of comfort. So really - how is it that we learn to let go and get on with the art of being happy?
This is a “wow” post - something to revisit and reflect on again . . .
NCLM
What have I let go… I think maybe the 2nd child thing. And though I was lucky and I am blessed and all that, I find that now I worry about it all being taken away from me. In a zillion horrendous ways. See how I can’t even specifically express my fears..
I love your new header btw. Beautiful.
Great post Calli… I am having a particularly hard day with my infertility today, but have just read two other posts which have touched a sore nerve. My comments to them work in this instance too…
I am trying to remember that I am a stong amazing woman, and that I am no less of a strong amazing woman beacuse I cannot conceive “naturally”. In fact I am an even more strong amazing woman because of the growth that this “defect” has caused in me. I am trying with all my might to embrace that truth today.
“even once you get pregnant there is still the dirt and grime clinging to you, that ick and fear of waiting for the shit storm that that you are all too familiar with to happen” - you are SO right.
One of my friends has an almost 4 year old via IVF. She was crying with me this morning after my shenanigans last night, the memories of her own experiences never far from her mind. Even now she bears the scars of IF.
I need to let go of a whole bunch of stuff. But I just can’t.
Damn, Calliope. I just posted this morning and I followed you over here to thank you for the comment you left and found this post of yours. Oh, how it resonates within me. I think this was just the very thing that I needed to read this morning. With where I am, sitting on a good beta of a gestational surrogacy pregnancy, I know I need to let go of a lot of shit and a lot of baggage. The odd thing is that it’s not *my* shit - it’s Mia and Urs’ shit - it’s the baggage of *their* infertility and loss history that I need to just let go.
I am an infertile and yes, I have kids. Those scars still run deep and the fear is still there, only it is transformed. I look at my kids and think of the past heartache and know that they were all worth it. Only the heartache I once felt within is now going to school, running around doing flips, vulnerable to the world, and I realize how scared shitless I still am that the world isn’t done screwing with me and will take it all back with some crazy accident or illness or psycho kidnapper.
Or maybe I’m the only one who thinks like that.
Maybe that’s some other shit that I just need to let go.
I am trying to let go of the foster kid that stayed with us for a little while last year. I thought that as time went by it would be easier but I’m actually finding it harder. Each time I think I’m moving on I see a photo or her toothbrush or something she would have loved and it breaks my heart. I think the problem is I love her, and I don’t want to stop loving her.
The infertility shit… I think until it’s decided one way or the other - children or no children - I’m not going to be able to drop it. After then, I sure as hell hope I can.
Thanks so much for such a thought provoking post. It’s certainly left me a lot to think about tonight.
The raised-Catholic-part of me is feeling quite guilty — like I caused the bad dream mentioning the west coast. Ugh. Hate to think I might have been the catalyst.
As for what I’m letting go…well, it’s the very minuscule but ever-present flicker of expectation that one day I’m going to wake up pregnant. I’ve even played with the idea of taking BCP to put an end to the expectation, but I’d rather spend the money on wine.
Heh - being somewhat connected to the industry, I’m insanely curious as to which news article you are referring to. I think I might know, actually, but we can chatr privately about it.
As for letting go?
I’m hoping to “let go of” about 100 pounds. June 3, 2008 is the start of being kind to my body in a whole new way - by not giving it junk, crap and UNhealthy things….
My dad passed away a little over a week ago, Saturday, May 24th. We buried him Wednesday, May 28th.
Things hadn’t been good between us in a long time and during his last year we hardly spoke at all. The hardest part is that the silence was my choice. I couldn’t stand listening to him talk about how great my step siblings were. I thought he was trying to tell me that I wasn’t as good as them. Then while I was listening to my uncle eulogize my father I suddenly realized something. Dad wasn’t trying to make me feel like a lesser child he was simply bragging about them, just like he did about the rest of us.
There are so many things to let go of that I’m not even sure where to start, ya know?
Such an amazing post. I think I’m going to check out that book, too.