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“I’m not sick. You made that up.”
Being sick is horrible. Being sick and a person with Alzheimer’s is the worst. There have been so, so many moments where I have been shocked by the cruelty of Grandmother’s disease. Moments where I felt like the disease was a soul eraser or personality invader. But watching and taking care of GM while she copes with the final stages of a stomach virus is probably one of the hardest things I have been through. Ever.
It didn’t help that she got sick while both Mother & I were still in the throes of the illness ourselves. Not that anyone ever plans and schedules an illness, but as far as timing goes this was pretty insane. And let’s not forget BG Talula who is still doing all that she can to pass her kitty kidney stone and requiring blended cat food and lots of cleanups on aisle 9.
But with GM this stomach virus brought about so many blips. The moment of her extreme sickness, on the commode with a giant bowl in her lap, Mother and I at her feet on the cold bathroom floor, were so tragic. Lots of crying and lots of pleading with us to make it stop. “Help me”, she would plead in a whisper, her voice raspy from throwing up. And we didn’t have anything to help her except gentle strokes on her back or cool compresses on her neck.
In between moments of sickness she would exercise these uncanny bouts of force where she would try to push us away and lift herself up in an attempt to take herself to bed. We would bring her back to the toilet, usually just in time, and she would cry and shiver. It was all just terribly sad and frustrating.
The days since the horrible night she has slowly begun to get better, but she doesn’t remember that she was sick. She is tired, oh man is she tired, but when we explain to her why she is tired she sort of flips a switch and goes into aggressive mode. Aggressive mode is my version of hell. This is the mode that turns my Grandmother into a hitter, a pusher, a yeller, a thrower of objects and a person that I honestly don’t even recognize as my flesh and blood.
I am amazed at how she finds this strength when she is so ill. I can only imagine it is some sort of control coping mechanism that turns on when so much is out of control. But it sucks, on every possible level. And the worst part is that it will usually happen after I have twisted and turned myself inside out to take care of her and am in supreme need of love or sweetness. But instead I get brittle laughter and mocking.
“I’m not sick. You made that up.” This is what she says to me as I change her sheets for the 2nd time in a day. “You are trying to boss my life and I WON’T HAVE IT”, she screams. And then the interesting, “Wait until my driver gets here and takes me back to [town she was born in].”
Caregiving is something you do out of love. It is something that is ultimately wound into the fiber of your being. You do it in your sleep, when you are sick, when you are doing everything else, you are also thinking of or directly tending to. It is all encompassing, and thankless. And it is hard. This weekend I can’t tell you how many times I broke down, how many times I shouted/vented at Mother, how many times I eyed the car keys and dreamed of running away to a world where no one counted on me.
And then there is the fear that to say all this here will make some of you question how I could ever be a parent. But here is the deal: my 86 year old Grandmother is not my baby. And while I am most likely projecting my own insecurities out into the universe that are completely connected to my fears about my own infertility, the idea hovers just above my head. Can I really be a parent if taking care of GM during a stomach virus has me wanting to abandon ship? It’s not the same, right? When your child is sick they don’t start accusing you of horrible things, right? When your child is sick they don’t try to knock you down or cut your hand off as you wipe their bottoms, right?
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22 Responses to ““I’m not sick. You made that up.””
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No, children and Grandmothers are not the same when they are sick. My grandfather got the same mean streak with his Alzheimers. You are taking such good care of your grandmother that it just proves that you will be the best mom ever.
Let us know if we can do something to help.
Oh sweetie…I’m sorry. This is a hard, hard stage of ALZ (ok, so none of them are cake, but…). Vent away, and no, they’re not the same. They may seem like it at times, but you know what? A child grows up. At some point, you get out of that stage with a child. With GM, there’s not going to be a time when she’s “out” of this, you know?
You’ll be a great mom–taking care of a grown woman in teh throws of a ’soul stealing’ disease is very different from taking care of a sick child.
I have never had the privilege of being close to an older person. But J. has had a stomach virus for a week (he’s finally getting over it) and of course, he isn’t a bit like you describe. He isn’t even noxious in the way my 12 year old students are (and I know he will be a 12 year old himself, alas). He is all sweetness and helpless charm. It is definitely different. You might still want to run away sometimes; but you know what? You haven’t run away from GM, through everything you describe. And you won’t run away from a babe, either.
This reader is thinking “Man, that chick gets Advanced Placement in Parenting skills 101.” No wee pile of kiddie upchuck will be able to faze you. Already earned that badge. Already faced those demons. Already able to teach that love is way bigger than disease.
What a difficult week(s). I’m so sorry that you got abuse when you needed sweetness. You are big, big person with a big, big heart. And I wouldn’t be surprised if EVEN some parents eye the car keys every now and then. It’s hard. That’s what it is. xo
the only difference i would see with your grandmother ..
she is a big kid right now..in a sense..
and big kids are stubborn at times..
but babies dont fight like that. sure they get upset but they get soothed just as easy..
girl i know you would make a wonderful mother ..
who else could teach them the finer points of life then you
hugs you and sends tons of hugs your way..
I’m sorry. You’re right. Alzheimers is such an awful disease. And I’m sorry that she doesn’t remember that your helping her and not the enemy. As far as children go, you will still be a good mom. Because you are a caregiver. Now I’m guessing here since I don’t have kids but I am guessing that there still might be days where you feel like you want to jump ship for a while. But you don’t, or you do with someone there to take over for an hour or two. Hang in there and hope GM is better soon.
Are you saying that parents don’t feel the same thing when their kids are a pain in the ass? Because we do. We eye our keys, we wonder what the f&$# we got ourselves into, we look around blindly for the instruction manual. It’s hard. I think that what you are feeling is normal and human and totally okay. You are doing something that is totally selfless and you deserve the biggest brownie button ever. I am sure that somewhere hidden in her brain your GM wonders what she did to deserve such devotion and loves you deeply.
Calliope, I’m sorry. It’s not easy, physically or mentally, is it?
J
Everyone already said everything I would have said, and better. So I’m sending you love & hugs.
It sounds like this was a really rough day. The thing is, you didn’t leave. You stuck with it. You’re an amazing caretaker, and you’ll be an equally amazing mom. I don’t have kids, but I have taken care of both children and ailing folk, and they are so very different. Here’s hoping tomorrow is a better day.
Sorry you are having such a rough day my dear, sounds tough. HUGS!! And although I am not a Mom yet myself, I would think that it is vastly different taking care of GM than taking care of your baby. Chin up girl - you are doing an amazing job!
Oh Cali, I don’t think anything your feeling right now is bad and even if you have those thoughts you will still be a great mother. Infact I’m not sure I know any moms who don’t want to run away sometimes from it all. You are a WONDERFUL care taker for your GM and I only hope when my GM needs me the most I can be there for her just like you are for your GM. Hugs to you!!! It is hard and you are doing the best you can!!!
Kristine
I am continually amazed at the care you provide your GM. I like to read about your experiences b/c it reminds me of my GM, who died of ALZ a year ago– helps me remember that some of my negative feelings about her mean side then were perfectly normal.
I think what you’re experiencing with GM is similar to parenting in the way mentioned by previous posters- sometimes you have negative feelings about the way your child is acting and then you feel guilty about it. Consider yourself practiced
You? will make an amazing mother. Amazing. And amazing mothers feel the need to jump ship from time to time. Being a good mother is not about perfection.
And don’t ever for one more second think that any of us judge you because it’s overwhelming.
You know what? You can still throw your arms up in frustration with a baby/child and say, “I can’t take another minute of this!!” and even stomp around for a few minutes, too, and you’re STILL a good mom because EVEN GOOD MOMS, like good caregivers, HAVE THEIR LIMITS.
And the good mom, and the good caregiver, has her minute, composes herself, and goes back to caretaking with grace. Which you do 100 times over.
So you’re more than prepared. xo
I share the sentiment of everyone here — you are an amazing person and caregiver, cali. don’t question for a minute what a wonderful mother you will be. I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through with this, and I’m glad GM is feeling a little better. how awful. ~luna
Oh sweetie, you poor dear. That must have been excruciating and I am so very sorry.
I heart you to pieces, darlin’ and I’m here if you need me.
You are amazing. i have nothing but respect for you and your spirit and your persistence and your honesty. I wish I could be as loving as you are.
I used to wonder if i would be able to care for a child. Oh sure, I knew I could probably get through a pregnancy and bear a child but I wasn’t so sure I could go without sleep, or reassure a screaming child with an ear infection or drag myself out of bed when I was struck down by one of my frequent migraines when I heard the shout of, “Mommy! Quick! Come here!”
I’m a selfish person. I like things clean and neat. If I put an object down in one place, I expect it to be there when I look for it. Not only that, I expect it to be in the state in which I left it; not chewed-on, torn, manhandled by sticky fingers or otherwise befouled.
And drool. I didn’t think I could do drool. The mere sound of the word “drool” was (and still is) enough to start my stomach quivering. And not in a good way.
We won’t even talk about poop. I dislike having anything to do with poop. My own poop fills me with horror. Another person’s poop was out of the question.
But I did it. I rose three, six, a dozen times a night when my son was an infant. I wiped, washed, swabbed and handled whatever biohazardous material he produced. I drove him to the emergency room at 3 a.m. when he had projectile vomiting.
When my precious possessions were broken or damaged I didn’t get (very) angry because after five years of infertility i didn’t care if he destroyed everything in the house.
I have no doubt you will be better at baby wrangling than I was.
Babies aren’t like angry octogenarians. They have their frustrations but there are far more smiles than frowns and rants about you trying to control their lives don’t come for another 13 or 14 years. To babies, mothers are rock stars. We totally rule. It’s easy to love someone who thinks you hung the moon.
On the whole, babies smell a lot better than octogenarians. There’s just a world of difference between the two.
I don’t think there are many things more difficult than caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s disease. After the tussles with GM, baby care will be a walk in the park for you.
you. my dear. are
brave beyond your years
so much soul in you
so much strength.
<3k.