Comments on: A Mother Talk Review: Choosing You

By: Jess

Jess — Sat, 03 May 2008 15:44:10 +0000

Like many of us, I’ve ALWAYS known I wanted to me a mother. I started thinking of doing this as a single person when I turned 30 maybe. I thought and thought, and put it off because things weren’t right at the time…but mostly my delay was due to concerns about what others would think about it. I’ve always been sort of paralyzed by others’ perceptions. I decided to throw caution to the wind and to go for it when I turned 36, and have been trying for almost a year…and it hasn’t been easy.

I am surprised by how well my friends took the news that I was going to do this. Most said, “we’ve always known you wanted to be a mother.” They were really in this with me from the start, but their attention waned as my attempts at pregnancy kept failing. Many of my friends just don’t bring it up anymore. But, I do have a couple of friends who are still with me on it, no matter how unsuccessful I’ve been, no matter how sad I often am about it, and no matter how uncomfortable it probably makes them feel.

Telling my family was the scariest part. I did it a few months ago. My mother and sister-in-law have been very supportive. My father and brother told me I was “too young” and had many more good years left to find a husband before having a baby. And then they didn’t say much for many months. My brother still throws in the occasional, “maybe this isn’t the way you are supposed to do it…wouldn’t you be happier to meet someone and have a baby with him?” I know it comes from a place of caring and wanting me to be happy. But some people just don’t say the right thing despite their intentions.

It makes me really sad and angry that I waited so long. If I had gone ahead at age 30, say, I might not be having the same problems getting pg that I am having now. I am mad at myself that I was unable to move past the potential judgment of others until just recently.

p.s. I don’t think that deciding to get pg on your own as a “younger” person means you must have body image or weight issues or some other problem that requires therapy to “fix”….or that married people don’t have these same issues. And who doesn’t have body image issues anyway? Isn’t that what this society grooms women to have??

By: Jennifer

Jennifer — Thu, 01 May 2008 17:45:15 +0000

I understand Sarah’s criticism of my comments. I probably didn’t explain myself well and even if I do explain myself better, she may be critical, which is okay. I don’t think that any woman has to explain to anyone why she is choosing to be a SMC. I don’t think people should be judgemental of this choice. What I was getting at was that for some women who are planning to be SMC, it may be constructive for them to examine (for themselves, in private, with a therapist maybe) why they are choosing this path at such a young age (twenties for example) without the benefit of a partner. “I want to be a mother” is a universal human feeling for most women. but making a bold statement such as “I want to be a single mother” is another statement entirely. I guess I was thinking about self esteem and/or body issues (that were discussed in the book) which could be helped perhaps by therapy. Just wondering why someone so young (not the author of the book) would pursue parenthood, but not a relationship. is the answer, I simply want to be a single parent and not have a partner, (not judging, just saying this may be the answer, some people don’t want to be paired up) or is the answer, I don’t think I will ever meet anyone who will love me and want to be with me? Because if that is the answer, this person should have counseling to improve their self esteem and be happier with themselves and therefore more open to a relationship if that is the person’s heart’s desire. There is a another blog where the young SMC blogger noted that her parents were not supportive and she was angry that they were not supportive, but i think that their sadness was understandable. They wanted her to be happy and for her to (in her twenties) to settle (if that is the correct word) for single parenthood rather than a more traditional family made them sad. most smc wrote on their blogs that they want the whole nine yards – i.e, the tradtional family, but that it just didn’t happen for them. And of course this is true sometimes. There is luck and happenstance, but when you are in your mid twenties, my goodness, why give up on that dream yet? Lots of folks don’t get settled down until their thirties. I meant my comment to be about self introspection, not judgment by others.

By: Shannon

Shannon — Thu, 01 May 2008 03:32:01 +0000

This sounds like a good book. I’ll have to get it. I get remarks my friends and family, “you know babies are expensive right?”, “you don’t know how hard it is to be a single mother”, and one of my favorites: “Just wait until your 40, if you haven’t found a man by then, by all means go ahead and try then.” On the other hand, I have 2 very good friends who are extremely supportive and ask me constantly, “Have you picked a donor yet?”

By: Michell

Michell — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 06:20:46 +0000

I missed out on this book review because I procrastinated. I did order the book though and am waiting for it to come so I can read it. As far as the whole support thing. My mom was less than supportive. She wasn’t out right negative but wasn’t supportive either. Since she hasn’t been supportive of me over anything in years this was expected but disappointing anyways. I’ve had a couple of other people who seemed to not really take me seriously. They didn’t really think I was going to do this until I got to the IVF part. I did have a coworker once who was very negative about me doing it because of my weight and possible health issues. I have had people who are very supportive too though so I just try to ignore the ones who don’t help.

By: starrhillgirl

starrhillgirl — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 04:47:06 +0000

Only once, by Sophie’s step dad of all people, have I had my desire to become a parent questioned. I was so flummoxed by the very idea that anyone could question somebody else’s desires that I couldn’t think of anything to say, other than to ask if he and his wife had know “just how much work it would be” when they had their first kid, which is part of what he’d asked me. Otherwise, I have gotten nothing but support and encouragement – both as a SMC and a lesbian. Whew. Luck, I tell you.

Nice review, hon.

By: Sam

Sam — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 04:11:32 +0000

I don’t understand why single people wanting a baby are any different than partnered people wanting a baby. Why should you have to justify it? And how many single parents are out there? People disappoint me with their ignorance and stupidity. Thanks for not being one of those people.

By: V

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 01:16:03 +0000

When have I not heard disparaging comments. From suggesting that I can’t possibly do it alone, to this isn’t god’s plan for me, adopt, get a dog, or give up as I have to decide what’s important (from my RE). All the way I’ve had to justify why I want a child because I’m single, something that would be seen as normal were I married. Now I’m obsessed and suddenly abnormal for this.

By: meg

meg — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 23:44:14 +0000

Thanks for the book review. I’ll have to check that out. It might be a good tool to introduce the topic to some family members when the time comes to tell them. I haven’t really told anyone that I’m trying to become a single mother.

I have told my sisters and a cousin. One sister pretends that she doesn’t know of my plans and when she speaks of potential future nieces or nephews they are always adopted in her version. My cousin has been fantastic and always asks about how things are going. I think she might be more excited than I am. I expect my mother to be thrilled about another grandchild but I have chosen not to tell her until I’ve managed to get pregnant. She’s a bit gossipy and I just don’t want to deal with the drama she brings to most situations. I think I’ll get a mix of reactions from the rest of my family and suspect any judging will be done behind my back. I’m comfortable with my choice and it’s just not up for debate. I may not agree with some choices that family and friends have made in their lives but I respect their right to make those choices and support and love them just the same. If someone can’t do the same for me then I don’t need them.

By: MotherTalk » Blog Archive » “Choosing You: Deciding to Have a Baby on My Own” by Alexandra Soiseth

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 21:51:06 +0000

[...] Creating Motherhood says, “Being raised by a single Mother and being the Granddaughter of an extremely independently minded woman basically taught me that I could do anything I damn well wanted – and if that meant having a kid on my own than so be it. I never lamented or mourned the concept of not having a husband or boyfriend to take the journey with. Not then. Reading Alexandra Soiseth’s chronicle of her personal journey to single motherhood was eye opening. Choosing You brought up lots of issues that up until now had been tucked neatly away in a box marked, “to shrink later”. [...]