When we were TTC, we knew that we had 6 IUIs before the fertility clinic would make us move on to IVF (3 Clomid, 3 Follistim). We always said we wouldn’t do IVF, but when Clomid #3 was cancelled for “poor response” (heh, almost typed ‘poop’) we started realizing that perhaps it was our only option. And I mentioned that if we were going to do IVF someday, I might like her brother to be our donor.

So she asked him, her middle brother (her older brother had something like 3 or 4 unsuccessful IVFs with his wife, and we’re not that cold), and he wrote back this ridiculous e-mail about how she didn’t know what she was getting into, that kids change everything and she was only wanting a baby to fill a void in her life.

Basically, he was an unhappy man in an unhappy marriage with three kids, and was projecting hardcore. But no one should ever have to hear those things when they’re making the Big Life Choices, you know? I’m still cheesed at him about that.

After about a 6 months of ttc, I told my sister about our efforts. I told her how I was worried that due to PCOS and my bum thyroid, I was worried that our efforts would take years and a lot of intervention (I was 30 and my sister was 34, and I guess I’m pretty good at foreshadowing because I’m on FET #1 now). She basically said I was too young to have a child and I didn’t know what I was talking about and we should wait 5 years or so and children were overrated. I didn’t know it at the time, but she was 1 month pregnant then. She told everyone she was pregnant 2 months later. My adorable nephew is the light of my life now, but it hurt for quite awhile. She goes out of her way to be supportive of our infertility now.

absolutely - to the discouraging / judgy comments from friends & family.
i am on my way out the door (going to be late to study group for reading this journal today ~ but i think i needed to) anyway…..i will be back to share

xo

You know, I didn’t follow the same path that you did, and therefore can only empathize. I do want to tell you however that I have always supported and cheered your decision. Ever since you let me in on this momentous lifechanging path that you so whole heartedly embraced, I have seen you as even more brave, beautiful, tough, determined and deserving of life’s riches than I did in all the years I have known you. That these riches have not yet been fulfilled for you in no way diminishes your want, or indeed your determination to acheive this dream. And just so you know, no matter how many times I have to cry along with you, curse along with you and hold your hand from so far away; no matter how many times you may be dissapointed in this process… I will never ever speak of alternatives, I will NEVER lose hope for you, and I will certainly never wish that you would ignore your hearts calling. All I can offer is my love and friendship, and please know that it is here in full force for you, whether you take a break from this fertility process or not, whether you blog or not… I am here. As a line from one of my favorite Beulah songs says, ” Don’t know about God, but I believe in you.”

I never told many people about our treatments so never opened the door to those comments. but that doesn’t stop people from thinking them or judging. some people always want to judge and find fault in our choices.

I know an aunt who I love dearly blames our infertility on the fact that I chose to go to graduate school in my late 20s and start a new career before we started ttc. (in reality I was already infertile but just didn’t know it yet.) the same aunt takes issue with my own dark humor, which I tap into in public places where I’d otherwise lose it.

case in point: at a family gathering of all couples with little children (over 20 people plus 15 kids), I was asked to hold my uncle’s empty coffee mug so my aunt could hold someone else’s baby. as I took it, I halfheartedly joked, “that’s the story of my life — I end up with the empty cup and not the kid.” she disapproved and tried to chastise me but I just shrugged and walked away into the kitchen (and began deep breathing). she was not happy with my attempt to deflect my darkness with a little light black humor, and I imagine it made her uncomfortable. tough, because I have to live with it everyday…

I don’t know why that story just re-surfaced. it’s probably just the feeling of being judged. it sucks that on top of dealing with the trial itself there’s that too.
best, ~luna

No one knows I’m even on this journey, besides my best friend, my roommates and my partner’s grandmother and brother. They were the only people we trusted with the knowledge of our loss. But had my miscarriage a year ago stuck, I probably would have found myself seriously disconnected from my family and struggling to make it without their help and support. My partner’s family, the more open-minded and loving side, would have been an invaluable asset at that time, and I’m sure will be invaluable once we start trying again.

I know that this mostly stems from age: you’re too young, it’s too new and you’re too poor. But my grandmother-in-law is so excited about having MORE great-grandchildren, she’s literally asking “so… you know… when are you two gonna *eyebrow wiggle*” Having that is SUCH a wonderful comfort, to know that someone out there doesn’t just support us, but is PUSHING us to do it.

I feel that when we finally get settled and start again, we will keep the door very closed towards my family, to shield us from negativity. But once we get pregnant… well, that’s another HUGE hurdle that I don’t have to foresight to think about.

Wow–fantastic review. I love how you wove your own reaction and situation into her story.

Great review, Cali; even though I’m not single, I’m considering reading this book. It sounds great.

We have had mixed reactions to our decisions to have kids. Some of our closest friends, a straight couple, change the subject every time we bring it up. I think they’re convinced that people who aren’t financially successful ought not raise children, but then, they don’t want kids.

In fact, as academics, we know so many women who have chosen not to have kids, and they seem to resent those who do. I was talking with a pregnant friend of mine at an all-female social function, and a colleague/friend walked into the room, and said, “Oh, you’re talking about babies? Ew!” She actually made a disgusted face and quickly left the room. In my profession, it’s so common for women to give up having children so that they can pursue full professorships at prestigious universities, and they can’t grasp why I would rather teach part-time at a community college and have a kid. It just doesn’t make sense to them, and yet, I see in them this need to mother, this sense of a missed opportunity. They emblazon their cars with stickers like, “I’m not childless; I’m child free!” but I do see through that somehow, and there’s an emptiness.

That is not to say that I think every woman wants to be a mother–or even should be a mother. But I can tell when one woman’s bitterness toward my choice to have children is often her own disappointment and regret that she chose a career over children.

Wow, I didn’t meant to write a novel, but there it is. Oh well…

Very well done Cali. I am so proud to know single mothers (to be and otherwise) by choice and applaud the way you have navigated the complexities of the decisions. It is a different thing entirely, but I think that many of us that identify as lesbian or queer can relate on some level. So many people (and institutions) have told us individually and collectively that not having a child with a husband is damning and damaging. I can’t imagine how raising a child that is so wanted and so loved could be arguable, no matter if there is one parent or three, a man and woman, two women, or one.

If one more person in my town asks why I’m not adopting, I’m going to sock them.

I think it is valid for friends and family to ask, Why are you choosing to be a single mother? It is more understandable when the SMC is in her late thirties or older and her biological clock is ticking very loudly and she has not found a partner. However, it is a somewhat different question when the SMC is much younger. The question becomes, why not pursue finding a good relationship first? That is a good question to delve into with a counselor IMHO.

I have had, and still receive, many disparaging comments. Which I’m sure are well-intentioned, and I’m sure the person making them thinks they are being helpful. But they come across as disparaging nevertheless. From “have you tried match dot com?” to “but why NOT adopt?” to “be careful what you wish for” after someone has just told me about their sleepless night with their sick toddler to “you should get out of the house more so you meet someone”. I could go on, but you get the picture. Must be nice to have everything lined up so you can give out assvice.

Oh, and I think unless you’re under 25 and have never had a boyfriend/girlfriend, it’s nobody’s d@mn business why you should want to be a single mother. If I am ever asked for advice about becoming an SMC I will shout loudly from the rooftops that nobody should wait until they are in their late 30’s with their biological clock ticking very loudly just so that their choice is socially acceptable. Because by then it may be too late. And I would not wish the true hell of infertility on anybody.

Thanks for the book review. I’ll have to check that out. It might be a good tool to introduce the topic to some family members when the time comes to tell them. I haven’t really told anyone that I’m trying to become a single mother.

I have told my sisters and a cousin. One sister pretends that she doesn’t know of my plans and when she speaks of potential future nieces or nephews they are always adopted in her version. My cousin has been fantastic and always asks about how things are going. I think she might be more excited than I am. I expect my mother to be thrilled about another grandchild but I have chosen not to tell her until I’ve managed to get pregnant. She’s a bit gossipy and I just don’t want to deal with the drama she brings to most situations. I think I’ll get a mix of reactions from the rest of my family and suspect any judging will be done behind my back. I’m comfortable with my choice and it’s just not up for debate. I may not agree with some choices that family and friends have made in their lives but I respect their right to make those choices and support and love them just the same. If someone can’t do the same for me then I don’t need them.

Only once, by Sophie’s step dad of all people, have I had my desire to become a parent questioned. I was so flummoxed by the very idea that anyone could question somebody else’s desires that I couldn’t think of anything to say, other than to ask if he and his wife had know “just how much work it would be” when they had their first kid, which is part of what he’d asked me. Otherwise, I have gotten nothing but support and encouragement - both as a SMC and a lesbian. Whew. Luck, I tell you.

Nice review, hon.

When have I not heard disparaging comments. From suggesting that I can’t possibly do it alone, to this isn’t god’s plan for me, adopt, get a dog, or give up as I have to decide what’s important (from my RE). All the way I’ve had to justify why I want a child because I’m single, something that would be seen as normal were I married. Now I’m obsessed and suddenly abnormal for this.

I don’t understand why single people wanting a baby are any different than partnered people wanting a baby. Why should you have to justify it? And how many single parents are out there? People disappoint me with their ignorance and stupidity. Thanks for not being one of those people.

I missed out on this book review because I procrastinated. I did order the book though and am waiting for it to come so I can read it. As far as the whole support thing. My mom was less than supportive. She wasn’t out right negative but wasn’t supportive either. Since she hasn’t been supportive of me over anything in years this was expected but disappointing anyways. I’ve had a couple of other people who seemed to not really take me seriously. They didn’t really think I was going to do this until I got to the IVF part. I did have a coworker once who was very negative about me doing it because of my weight and possible health issues. I have had people who are very supportive too though so I just try to ignore the ones who don’t help.

This sounds like a good book. I’ll have to get it. I get remarks my friends and family, “you know babies are expensive right?”, “you don’t know how hard it is to be a single mother”, and one of my favorites: “Just wait until your 40, if you haven’t found a man by then, by all means go ahead and try then.” On the other hand, I have 2 very good friends who are extremely supportive and ask me constantly, “Have you picked a donor yet?”

I understand Sarah’s criticism of my comments. I probably didn’t explain myself well and even if I do explain myself better, she may be critical, which is okay. I don’t think that any woman has to explain to anyone why she is choosing to be a SMC. I don’t think people should be judgemental of this choice. What I was getting at was that for some women who are planning to be SMC, it may be constructive for them to examine (for themselves, in private, with a therapist maybe) why they are choosing this path at such a young age (twenties for example) without the benefit of a partner. “I want to be a mother” is a universal human feeling for most women. but making a bold statement such as “I want to be a single mother” is another statement entirely. I guess I was thinking about self esteem and/or body issues (that were discussed in the book) which could be helped perhaps by therapy. Just wondering why someone so young (not the author of the book) would pursue parenthood, but not a relationship. is the answer, I simply want to be a single parent and not have a partner, (not judging, just saying this may be the answer, some people don’t want to be paired up) or is the answer, I don’t think I will ever meet anyone who will love me and want to be with me? Because if that is the answer, this person should have counseling to improve their self esteem and be happier with themselves and therefore more open to a relationship if that is the person’s heart’s desire. There is a another blog where the young SMC blogger noted that her parents were not supportive and she was angry that they were not supportive, but i think that their sadness was understandable. They wanted her to be happy and for her to (in her twenties) to settle (if that is the correct word) for single parenthood rather than a more traditional family made them sad. most smc wrote on their blogs that they want the whole nine yards - i.e, the tradtional family, but that it just didn’t happen for them. And of course this is true sometimes. There is luck and happenstance, but when you are in your mid twenties, my goodness, why give up on that dream yet? Lots of folks don’t get settled down until their thirties. I meant my comment to be about self introspection, not judgment by others.

Like many of us, I’ve ALWAYS known I wanted to me a mother. I started thinking of doing this as a single person when I turned 30 maybe. I thought and thought, and put it off because things weren’t right at the time…but mostly my delay was due to concerns about what others would think about it. I’ve always been sort of paralyzed by others’ perceptions. I decided to throw caution to the wind and to go for it when I turned 36, and have been trying for almost a year…and it hasn’t been easy.

I am surprised by how well my friends took the news that I was going to do this. Most said, “we’ve always known you wanted to be a mother.” They were really in this with me from the start, but their attention waned as my attempts at pregnancy kept failing. Many of my friends just don’t bring it up anymore. But, I do have a couple of friends who are still with me on it, no matter how unsuccessful I’ve been, no matter how sad I often am about it, and no matter how uncomfortable it probably makes them feel.

Telling my family was the scariest part. I did it a few months ago. My mother and sister-in-law have been very supportive. My father and brother told me I was “too young” and had many more good years left to find a husband before having a baby. And then they didn’t say much for many months. My brother still throws in the occasional, “maybe this isn’t the way you are supposed to do it…wouldn’t you be happier to meet someone and have a baby with him?” I know it comes from a place of caring and wanting me to be happy. But some people just don’t say the right thing despite their intentions.

It makes me really sad and angry that I waited so long. If I had gone ahead at age 30, say, I might not be having the same problems getting pg that I am having now. I am mad at myself that I was unable to move past the potential judgment of others until just recently.

p.s. I don’t think that deciding to get pg on your own as a “younger” person means you must have body image or weight issues or some other problem that requires therapy to “fix”….or that married people don’t have these same issues. And who doesn’t have body image issues anyway? Isn’t that what this society grooms women to have??