So there is something I haven’t been writing about. It was a feeling, a sense that something wasn’t quite right. You see, in the midst of the bleeding and the emotions and the tragedy of knowing that I will have to save forever to try again…there was this feeling. And it’s hard to articulate without sounding like some sort of moony.
Basically- all this time I have still felt pregnant.
I have been waiting for that feeling to go away, certain that it was some sort of cellophane wrapped around my depression, some sort of wishful thinking, a bizarre inkling of a woman overwhelmed by desperation.
But the feeling wouldn’t go, and it began to worry me. So much blood, so not a multiplying 3rd beta, but what if something is wrong? Last night I dug through the cupboards and found an ancient opk. No way am I ovulating. So no way would it be positive. And if it was positive then, well then something might be wrong.
And it was beyond positive.
I convinced myself that it was a fluke and even felt mortified for even allowing myself to go there. You know, the “I wonder” place. (Which is incredibly scary considering the shear number of bottles of wine consumed in the month of January. But let’s be real, I so went there.)
This morning I casually mentioned these feelings that something is not quite right to Mother who, bless her, didn’t go to the happy place, but the very real, something might not be right place.
So off I went to the pharmacy. The entire time in line I felt like such a fool. I couldn’t even look the kid in the eyes when I handed over my $10 bill. I needed to get over this silly shit and I needed to get over it pronto. I just needed to piss on the damn test and see the brilliant white space and work to climb over the mountain of grief. That was really the plan. I swear.
But the test is positive. Like you can see it across the room 2nd line. And now I am in a suspended state of freak out because we all know this is not a good thing. Why do I still have this hormone in me? Why?
Monday I will call the Northeast Clinic and see what they say. I imagine they will want another blood test and maybe an ultrasound from the local clinic. Seriously- shouldn’t this hormone be out of my system by now?
{ 48 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh, baby. I wish I had knew anything to say to help. There’ll be other folks soon, lined up here with ideas and help and love, though.
Just a wish for you that you find answers soon because the state of not knowing would drive anyone over the edge. I’ll be checking back often and sending you all my good wishes.
Check your email…
Well, I’ve heard that it can take a long time for it to go back to zero. But I think another beta and an ultrasound would be a wise move – it seems strange that NEC didn’t make you keep testing to make sure the number went back down properly. Sorry you are still having to deal with this and I hope nothing weird and/or bad is going on.
I wish I had an answer (I don’t, sorry) other than the above that it can take a while but this does seem overly long. The only other than I can think of is if (and yes I detest the termonology here) there was some retained products of conception (sorry I know thats bad) that was still leaving the hcg in your system. I’m sorry you are having to deal with this and hope it gets figured out soon. I would guess also that a beta would be the next best step.
Not knowing is the worst feeling in the world. I have never had luck with over the counter tests, either that or I’m having miscarriages right and left. I just don’t know. I hope they are able to give you some answers soon. It must be so frustrating to have this little dazzle of hope when you know you shouldn’t.
i agree that NEC should have monitored you down to zero. forgive me, i can’t remember b/c i was dealing with my own sadness at the same time, but did you have a follow-up u/s? i feel like you didn’t have a doubling beta, then bled, but no u/s. sorry for the reminder, i’m just trying to get my thoughts together for you. as the comment above suggests, there may be products of conception left. that is why the clinics want to monitor you down to zero. i imagine that if you have a beta, it’ll be positive. man i’m so sorry you are dealing with this. my m/c was much more clear-cut. all the preg symptoms flowed out of my body with the blood. sorry so graphic but it was that obvious for me. i hope you will get a check-up. you need to be able to move on completely without these hormones keeping your body in limbo. hang in there.
Ugh. Yes, you should definitely get a beta. It does take different amounts of time for people’s betas to go back to zero, but generally speaking, most people would not have any hCG left at this point, so it is worth finding out why.
P.S. JEHOSEPHAT! Haven’t you had enough?!?!?!?
Hugs. I can’t think of anything remotely useful to say, so I’m just sending love.
Ditto to Cait’s comment. I can’t imagine staring at a positive on an HPT after what’s happened already, and how torturous that must be right now.
Damn it all. I agree with the others – you need a beta and a sono to see WTF is going on. And yes, most people would have a 0 beta by now. Regardless, you need some testing.
So not what you needed to be dealing with. Many hugs. Keep us updated.
bugger.
Oh Cali, I’m sorry. Also sending love.
Yowza. No advice, just my love. Thinking of you.
So sorry. I hope you get some straight answers and resolution soon. This undoubtedly isn’t helping you heal mentally/emotionally with all this physical awfulness dragging on.
AND you should REALLY find out if you’re ok if you’re bleeding that much for that long! Are you anemic? feeling lightheaded? Make sure you’re getting enough iron and enough fluids, honey. Definitely talk with them Monday. Thinking of you. xoxo
oh cali, I’m so sorry. as if you haven’t been through enough. I’m with the others — call as soon as you can. sending you a big fat hug. ~luna
*hug* The world sometimes has a shitty way of getting you over something, doesn’t it? Crap.
I am sorry this is happening. I don’t have anything useful to say, but lots of love.
As if you haven’t had enough yet….sending you hugs.
i dont even have any words… i’m glad you decided to share this with us, so hopefully we can hug you and hold you up and lighten some of the load on your shoulders.
love you tons.
gypsy
Awarding you an excellent badge via my blog Cali. Because you are. Still sending love. xx
Good grief. Um, yes, beta.
I tested Positive from August 21, 2006 to Wed Oct 11, 2006 then on Oct 18, 2006 I tested Neg. Don’t know if that helps. Regardless, I know it sucks ass looking at a positive test which should by rights make you feel happy and not miserable. ((hugs))
I’m sorry that this is happening to you. When I miscarried I had a feeling I was unpregnant even before the blood started. It must be so hard for you.
oh wow. i’m so sorry that you are facing more uncertainty. i hope you get some answers soon.
I’m thinking of you Cali. I hope everything gets settled soon.
Beta ASAP, and an ultrasound. I know your clinic is states away but it sounds to be unprofessional at the least, negligent at the worst, not to monitor you until your levels go down or arrange from someone in your home town to do so. I mean, it’s almost certainly not ectopic but it could be a molar preg (fuck I really hope not). If it’s just retained products of conception, far more likely, WTF let it drag on this long? Negligent. I’m so pissed off for you.
PS Did you ever have a third beta?
*big hugs* I hope you find out what is happening very soon.
I agree with everyone urging beta and ultrasound. It’s so hard to experience such a terribl loss, only to find yourself dealing with pregnancy issues weeks later. I hope you get some answers soon. I’ll be thinking of you.
I don’t have any info or advice to offer that hasn’t already been offered. But you’re in my heart. (((hugs)))
Thinking of you Calli. I hope you get some answers soon to put your mind at rest.
thinking of you AND praying all will be ok…
and crossing fingers that they do the betas
hugs!!!!!
That’s crazy. Man, just crazy.
Oh, for pity’s sake. Or Jehosophat, as Jen said. I have no useful advice, just lots of love for you.
I don’t have any answers, just support. I hope you can get some answers soon. (hugs)
Man what a PITA. Probably, you have slow hormones. This sucks and is annoying but not at all dangerous. However, I will second (or 3rd or 5th) the notion that a u/s and beta are in order. Remember that people get positive tests with a beta of like 7 or 8 sometimes – so you might just have a teensy smidge hanging around makeing you crazy.
((hugs))
I, too, hope the answers are found soon. You deserve to – in the very least- know. I find it reassuring, also, that you know your body well enough to realize that something was going on, whatever that may be. You are still the one who knows your body best, even though you cannot always control it.
I’m also surprised the clinic didn’t require you to take beta tests until your levels lowered, but it’s no wonder you’ve been having the pg symptoms. This just sucks. I’m so sorry.
xo
We too have no sage advice, but we have lots of love. And hugs. Hope you get some answers ASAP! xxxx
OMFG! This is just not fair.
I have no advice though I’m sending good thoughts to you right now.
Gosh I hope you get some kind of answer pronto.
xo
I’m so sorry you are still in limbo. I know that I would still be holding on to a glimmer of hope against all reason and that has to be especially painful. I hope you get answers soon.
After my miscarriage, it took a month and a half for mine to return to normal. All the tests I took still showed positive for pregnancy. My body is hugely disfunctional in the hormone department though (PCOS and Endometriosis) so with me I just thought it was another oddity. I felt pregnant for about three months after I found out my baby had died. Sore boobs, slight nausea, fatigue etc. I also went onto an anti-depressant afterwards, as I was sinking to an all-time low. And I truly am grateful for all the help I had from my fertility docs who did a fab job of caring for me after the pregnancy ended.
I am sorry you’re still in such a little black hole. It will take time before you start feeling like yourself again. But be patient with yourself. Nobody expects you to be “chirpy” and “happy” and “ok” with it.
Thinking of you and sending hugs your way.
i’m an occasional lurker and i’m sorry for what you’re going through. i’ve had three miscarriages and never did it take so long for my hcg to completely disappear. i cannot believe your doctors aren’t freaking out about the possibility of an ectopic. they really should be. if you have any pain in your side, please please go to the emergency room asap.
Hmmm… yes I would for sure get in to see the doctors… that does seem like a long time. Good luck to you Cali.
Get checked out, but in the meantime, you really don’t need to panic. It can take up to eight weeks for bHCG to fall to normal levels. Some people fall faster than others. I took seven weeks following a D&C. Thinking of you.
I just love you. That’s all.