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February 29: The almost

I have tried to find the perfect way of beginning this post for weeks. But it hits me now, as I begin to type, that perfection is not something this post needs to be. In fact the imperfection of it seems to mirror the moment.

In December of 2007, after much struggle and much grappling of faith, I finally, finally became pregnant. Two perfect embryos turned into a second pink line and a positive blood test. I was pregnant for a few short weeks: long enough to allow the joy to come in, but brief enough to sense when things were not going right.

The process of becoming unpregnant is still happening. Still my body bleeds in a forever rinse cycle of purging and clean slating. Becoming unpregnant has lasted longer than the being, than the planning, than the entire month of December- a month now forever ruined in a way that I never thought possible.

Daily I think of the almost. The might have been. The could have.

My pregnancy tests are no longer turning pink and my emotional weeping is down to a trickle…but there was a something in a space that had been empty for so long. Just a glimmer, a speck of the infinite seascape of my dreams had taken up occupation in my middle. Now that it is gone I feel the emptiness so strongly.

My Grandmother calls out in her sleep for help and I go to her. We walk down the dark hallway. With each shuffle of a step she keens. It is a soft, feminine whimper that pulses out of her sleepy mouth in perfect time with each step we make. She makes these sounds in her sleep and I wonder if they are the sounds I make in my sleep. I wonder about the symmetry of my Grandmother losing her mind as I lose the lining of my uterus. The loss makes us both damaged.

I think about all of the empty wombs that were once the plush velvet sofa for a maybe, for an almost. I think about all of the times that I tried and tried and tried and fucking tried and bled and bled and bled and wept. The weeping so all consuming that it robbed me of my total identity.

I am often untouchable within my grief. If I am honest with you- most days I mourn the tries that did not work more so that the one try that did. My heart rattles with loss of all of the effort and energy. All of the false hopes and whispered prayers. I daydream about how life with a toddler might have been today.

I wanted to dedicate this day and this messy and unperfect post to my almost. I need to shed this skin of sadness and try to move forward. (although even moving forward is like scraping my knuckles across a brick wall)

This extra day will be a small box that I can put into the back of a drawer. I am putting you away iotas. I am putting you into a pale yellow box and letting you go. Maybe you are now a daffodil blooming in a friend’s front yard.

(something that spoke to me from e.e. cummings)

If you want to do a February 29th tribute on your blog please check the “participant” box within the comments. This will keep track of all of those using this day to grieve so that we can sit and visit those that need a friend. If you don’t have a blog feel free to share in the comments.

If you do not have a blog but want to share an image feel free to e-mail it to me and I will add it to this space.

Added: A photo from Venustat documenting the flowers she received after giving birth to her stillborn son, Richard.

Shifting the light to another blogger.

Here is something that I wrote within the last password protected post that I feel I should share with the rest of you:

The longer I sit with this the more I know in my gut that this SW opportunity is not for me. I am so agitated over having to come up with a solution so fast. And seriously, being this needy is killing me. Honestly I would really rather put this effort & energy towards saving up for an FET back back in the NE. It feels weird to go forward with a fresh IVF when I have embryos waiting for me in a city with a free place to stay and access to transportation.

Now I know that I do have a tendency to quit when things get overwhelming. I hate a hassle and a mess and am frankly exhausted over trying to think outside of the box. I feel like that is ALL I do and it has yet to benefit. Then there is also this shame that I feel over not having money at the ready for this opportunity. And I feel like a giant loser for even being so frank with you all about this lack of funds.

I hate that by even bringing this study up to my Mother has caused her to go back to a place of guilt that she is not able to help me out any more financially at the moment. She is working so hard to get her own personal finances in order and she has made some real progress. I do not want to do anything that would cause her to delay her own important goal.

I am thankful for the Z for keeping me pretty even as I go through this ripple. I can see the place of doom in my mind and so far I am doing well to step around it. This study would have been great if key ingredients had been in my favor. All I can do is keep saving, keep hoping and dreaming and then maybe another study will pop up or maybe I will get the right amount in my savings account to get back to the NE.

That being said, I want to sincerely and deeply thank all of you for trying to help me scramble this week to come up with a solution. I have written to the people running the study to see if there is a way I could participate at a more local clinic, but really I think I should just get back to saving up for an FET. It feels right.

However, there is another wonderful and amazing blogger that would be a primo candidate for this SW study and I would like all of you to head over to her blog and help her work on logistics. Chicory and her family have been through a lot and I can not think of a more deserving family. Let’s make this happen for her!

Protected: The fretteration starts here.

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The polling and the fretting

There is a fretting post coming about the IVF sitch but as I did not sleep very well (could be because of anxiety or could be because I watched 3 episodes in a row of Dexter right before I went to bed)you will have to wait a few hours before I can write it. But just to unload some of the angst, things are not looking good. As in it most probably won’t be able to happen. ugh infinity.

Because I am too damn lazy to come up with a swank transition, let’s immediately go to the fun zone and talk about Photo Friday. This past week was one of the most participated themes ever. I can not tell you how amazing it was to see all of your stunning work on such a beautiful theme. It is going to be difficult to select just one photographer to showcase.

So I have decided this week we will showcase two. That’s right, you can now vote for two photographers. Start at the photo friday pool and then come back here (some of them spill over to page 2) and cast a vote for your two favorite photographers this week.

Next week’s theme is up and ready for you at the Photo Friday Site. Have a peak and start taking photos.

Don’t tell me…

I’m such a damn loser. I fell asleep watching the Oscars. The last thing I remember was Jon bringing out Marketa Irglova so that she could properly accept her award for best song as she was cut off by the orchestra earlier. (speaking of best song…I am so glad the song from Once won. I thought the movie was so sweet and simple but the music was amazing.)

So I have no idea who won in the top categories yet. Thank goodness I recorded it, but I might just sneak a peak on line. Not like it will be a big surprise. Or will it? Wait, don’t tell me! (ok. I just saw the winners.)

But really what I love the most is the red carpet stuff. The stupid interviews, the jerky camera work. Where else can you hear Ryan Seacrest ask Jessica Alba if she is going to breastfeed. WTF! Last night there was a really creepy and tense moment involving Gary Busey and Ryan. It was so effing weird. Thankfully it is already up on youtube so I can share the moment with you. All I will say is poor Jennifer Garner…she looks freaked beyond words.

As far as clothes…Nothing really screamed BEST dressed to me, but loads screamed nightmare. Off the top of my head I rolled my eyes at the stylings of: Ellen Page, Tilda Swinton (seriously horrible), Daniel Day Lewis’s wife, and sorry, but Jennifer Hudson could have been dressed so much better.

What did you guys think? Any great moments? What did you think of Jon Hosting? & why was the Rock there?

Come and knock on my door*…

If you look to the right you will now see a lovely plaid button for you to click on and explore. I am new to the wonders of cafepress, but I hope if you see something you like you will reach out for it. Prices shown are an inch or two above cost and all proceeds earned will go towards funding my next fertility adventure.

For those of you traveling without a password this is the big news I alluded to earlier. I can’t get into specifics, but the headline is that I could be on my way to IVF #2 pretty soon. I will be blogging all about the actual IVF, but there are some key details that I can’t share all out in the open and those will be in the password posted (if necessary). The IVF will happen out of town and in the Southwest and I am scrambling to figure out ways to come up with the necessary monies.

But seriously…SQUEAL!

blog note #1: some password requests did not have valid e-mail addresses so if you are waiting to get a password please verify that you are using a working e-mail.

blog note #2: Please tell me that some of you are watching the red carpet now so that we can discuss later!

(*That’s for you, Lydia.)

Protected: the telling

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Password:

Password Post Coming Soon

Something pretty massive might be about to happen but I can’t really talk about it all out and in the open. If it happens it will be insanely awesome. Like mind blowing.

If you had the password for my almost donor egg cycle it is the same. If you do not have a password and need one leave me a comment here (with a valid e-mail address) and I will get back to you once I have verified that you are not a baddie.

If you want a hint (at the news, not the password) just check out the category for this post.

Photo Friday: Tranquility

The other day I took GM to the beach. We both needed to get out of the house and I had a deep desire to see something vast and unending. We took a shortcut there and on the way we stopped at a traffic light. Looking to the right I was surprised to see what looked like a tucked away cemetery. I knew then that when I had a chance that I would go back and explore. Thursday, when my afternoon of respite provided me with the luxury of a few hours to myself, I went to the cemetery and found peace.

Tranquility, if you will.

When I was a young girl I went to many cemeteries with my Grandparents. Both of them were amazing genealogists and we spent many a weekend either paying respect to family members or hunting up the markers of possible relations. A cemetery was a place of calm and quiet, but it was also always inspiring to me. As my Grandparents tended to markers I would walk between the graves and read aloud the names and wonder what sort of life they had had.

I remember always being shaken by doing the math and discovering that someone my age or younger was below my feet. Death was not something that was supposed to happen to young girls and it always troubled me to see that contradicted.

The cemetery that I explored yesterday was pretty much in a sad state of neglect. There was litter everywhere and overgrown shrubs and untended grass. It was dark under the shade of massive trees and hanging moss; dark and quiet and peaceful.

I figured I would get a few photos of some older graves, but the more I walked around the more I became involved with the stories that were everywhere. So I began to take photos of everything: the statues, the figures, the dead flowers blanketing headstones. In the middle of the cemetery was a cluster of camellia shrubs sorely in need of attention. The ground was covered with rotting and dead blooms, but tucked in, still firmly attached, perched the most perfect flowers I had ever seen. I was so moved by how special it was that I was getting to see such beauty. What a gift it was, an unexpected moment just for me.

It made me think about all of the things in my week that had led up to this experience: the horrible days with GM, the coaxing GM to the car and then to the beach…the Muriels coming up with a theme that had stuck in my head like a planted seed, and then the determination that I would leave my house with the camera.

You can view a partial set of more cemetery photos here. And to see Elowyn’s Showcased Photo you can go here.

Please Send Love

More sadness. It just will never make sense.

Please go sit with Bleu and hold her hand as she loses her much fought for twins.

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