-
-
Places to Go:
Patterns
This time last year was a dark, dark place for me. Very dark. And it took me weeks and weeks to really grasp that I didn’t need to live in the dark place, that I could reach out and get help. It was a huge mental shift for me, but somehow I managed to get myself to a doctor and cry in her office.
Last year my tears and darkness stemmed primarily from something called caregivers depression. I was exhausted and strapped and giving everything in my soul to taking care of GM. There was nothing left for me. And then I began to feel like there was just no point to my life.
Sure, there might have been some underlying sadness at having to take such a long break from trying for a baby. But to be honest it wasn’t the main course of my meal of depression. It was maybe the soup course, something else I could soak in.
I was on medication for approximately three months and it honestly saved my life. I may not have realized it at the time, but looking back I can see the path I was on & it was not good. I am thankful for the counsel I got from friends and my Mother, the nudges to seek help.
There has been some internal growth in a year, I am now a bit more fine-tuned about how my chemistry works: how my brain can go from happy thoughts to doom thoughts. And once again I am aware that I need help. I can’t waste any more time feeling like this. It just sucks.
I would so much rather be a happy person, a person that is able to bounce back from devastation. But I am not bouncing, and I think you all can see that. I am already getting the nudges from good friends. Luckily it hasn’t taken me as long as it did a year ago. I do not feel ashamed for recognizing that I need help. Instead I actually feel pride that I didn’t let myself get in the way.
I called my doctor. This is the doctor that helped me through the hep C scare of October & November. She is kind and funny and honest. I have an appointment with her tomorrow morning immediately after GM gets her hair done. There was a part of me that got all anxious over making time for myself to do this. I knew that adding something extra to GM’s friday routine might really throw her off, but I need to take care of me. It’s important. I’m choosing to get better.
Comments
33 Responses to “Patterns”
Got something to say?
-
-
Give to U.T.E.R.U.S.
-
Great Hosting By:
-
You rock. It can be so hard to take that step.
The med you took last time has helped me a lot. I am on it pretty much long-term.
Re: the bouncing: while the drugs certainly make me bouncier, I also just want to say that it is valid not to bounce like a trampoline back from the stuff you’ve had to deal with. Grief can take time.
However, you have a positively amazing capacity to keep going, and I am so glad you are taking care of yourself. Hugs.
Good for you, Cali! I’m proud of you for taking this step. It’s tough to do, I know. You need to take care of you.
Good for you. I know it is hard to make time for yourself but it will be so worth it. It is always hard for me to admit when I need a little help so I can definitely understand where you are coming from.Good luck.
It takes more guts to do it than not to! Congrats for doing it. For you - and everyone that loves you. Even if it throws Gm off a bit, it will be worth it.
Smart girl!!!! I love that you are taking care of yourself! I have had the conversation with myself (and my doctors) many times about what is grief and what is depression and with all the hormone manipulations and miscarriage etc, there comes a point where they overlap and medication can bring miracles. My prayers are with you for some quick and last relief from your symptoms! XXOO
Well done. Your GM will benefit from you taking care of you.
You are so loved, by me and by everyone on this site. Recognizing the non-bouncing back is so so hard. You are the most amazing, strong, resilient, brutally hilarious woman that I know. I congratulate you on taking this step that can help with all the facets of your life. I’m here when you need me. xoxo
No one bounces back from devastation, period. No one. My therapist would say you NEED to grieve and soak in the misery and deal with it for a while. Glossing over it can only lead to deeper darker days. I am all for pills and all for help and all for you doing what you need to do to get yourself to a better place. I am proud of you.
And I selfishly hope you get lexapro (if that is what works for you) so we can exchange stories!
“how my brain can go from happy thoughts to doom thoughts.”
my brain does this too! it’s so frustrating and difficult to understand.
I think this is great. Good for you for calling up and getting yourself an appointment for tomorrow.
That can be a hard step to take and to recognize. I know in the past I spent months in the gloom before I would realize that something wasn’t working and that I needed to do something. Good for you for taking the needed step. Hugs to you.
Good for you for taking care of yourself. It’s so hard. I so know that.
Just know you have people out there who are there for you.
Your post is just what I needed to read. I have been dealing with some severe anxiety lately (and all my life, but more significantly now) and I have never done anything to treat it. I hardly tell anyone that I have anxiety and I always try to “suck it up” (which is not something that I expect anyone,but myself, to do. why are we always so sucky to ourselves?). I finally called my doctor and I’m going to talk to her about taking something. I have talked myself out of it seven hundred times since I made the appt yesterday. I have come very close to canceling it. I convince myself that I’m fine, I can buck up and pull through. Reading your post makes me feel better that I am ‘normal’ to feel bad for doing this for myself.
So, thanks!
I’m on zoloft pretty much for the long haul, and I can honestly say that it’s made a huge difference (for the better) in my life and in my relationships. I think it’s fantastic that you’re facing the fact that you need some help through this. I don’t think you should just be over it already..or whatever..don’t know if that is possible at all. Your GM will reap the benefits of you working through this as well. You’re an amazing lady Calli, I wish only the best for you.
I’m very proud of you. Depression sucks. A lot.
*hugs*
Yup, yup - very good for you.
You’ve got to take care of you first…
I’m glad you’re got someone who will be able to help you. You deserve to feel good.
It boggles my mind that seeking therapy is saddled with the stigma of weakness. It is quite the opposite. Good for you, Red. You put others first entirely too often. I’m thrilled to hear that you’re taking good care of you.
I agree with the others that it’s utterly reasonable to be flattened by everything that has happened to you AND that it is a great and huge thing to have made this appointment, and I think it will help. I, too, ended up on medication a few months after my miscarriage and I didn’t even realize how much it was helping until I *stopped* taking it!
Good for you. I know depression sucks big time too… so that was hard and you did good. Proud of you, mate. xx
I know what depression is like. Boy do I ever! There was a time when I was taking medication for depression, just starting to think that maybe I’d have a chance for a scintilla of happiness in this life when my husband went into a deep depression. He was very anti-medication, thanks to my alarmist, paranoid mother-in-law, and I was sincerely afraid for his life and/or sanity. We both got over it — my husband through a combination of exercise and medication and we’re much better today.
I guess that’s what I wanted to say: it gets better. I’m nearly 50 and I finally realized we never become problem-free; we just trade our old problems for new ones. I went from being furious and depressed because we tried for five years and didn’t have a baby. To having the much-longed-for baby and being fearful that something awful would happen to him. Now he’s nearly 20 and nothing too awful has happened to him. I’m an awful worrier, though, and I keep thinking that it’s just a matter of time.
This is getting too long, so I’ll just say that many people read your wonderful posts and tons and tons of good thoughts are being sent your way.
I’m so glad you’ve come to this decision, and have the courage and grace to be upfront with yourself (and us) about this. And Emily (and all of us) are here when you need to reach outside. xoxo
Good for you. Not only is it the right thing to take care of yourself, but you will be a better caregiver to your GM if you are feeling whole.
Someone told me (or I read?) an analogy to being a caregiver and needing to do something for yourself but worrying about the impact on the caregiving routine — it’s like you’re on an airplane and the oxygen masks have come down. You have to put your own on first.
I’m soooo proud of you !!
Sending lots of hugs…
very proud of you ~ you are a good example…
sending you much love and non-routine-disruption vibes to GM for tomorrow!
love you tons,
gypsy
Cali-
Way to go! I am proud of you for taking this very important step. You are no good to your GM if you are no good to yourself. Ultimately, you will no good to the baby I am positive you are going to have, unless you are emotionally healthy yourself. Good luck!
sorry i have been so absent in your time of need. i’m just hanging on myself and THANK FUCKING GOD for my meds or i would not be doing well at all. try well.butrin. it has not effected my emotions (in terms of dulling them so i can’t cry) and no se.xual side effects. it’s a beautiful thing. good for you for getting help.
i am incredibly proud of you. Never surprised at your strength, however.
Glad you’re doing this for yourself. Hugs.
way to go, cali. it takes a lot of strength to recognize when we need help and to know how to ask for it. as you (and others) said, you have to take care of yourself first. and acknowledge the strain of being a caregiver, no matter how much you love your GM, that is hard work. you are a rock, even if you may feel a little molten sometimes… ~luna
don’t you feel better just having made the appointment? this is great. i’m so glad you are taking care of yourself.
I think you *are* a happy person who’s just dealing with a lot right now. I’m so glad you’re taking care of yourself! Caregivers literally give so much to others that there’s little leftover for themselves. It’s a hard, hard job and it’s one where you just don’t clockout. Add everything that’s happened in the past three months and what you’ve been through would be weighing anybody down.
I hope you can find something special to do for yourself everyday. Something that gets you out of the house, away from all of your responsibilities for even 10 minutes a day like a walk or going to the gym. I’ve often found that feeling like I’m control over just one part of my life makes a huge difference on my outlook. It gives me hope and something to look forward to.
Okay, enough advice!
Glad you’re taking positive steps.
xo
You have done the right thing in seeking out help for yourself. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is be selfish and think of your own well being. Good luck.
(Previously Mrs D)