There seldom is a right way.

I was pretty shitty to my Mother this week. To be specific I was pretty shitty to her when I felt like she was being shitty to me. Ok…I’ll be more specific: I was pissed that she couldn’t read my mind.

When I woke up three days ago in a disgusting puddle of blood and muck my first emotion after acknowledging the pain was just how embarrassed I was for being sort of hopeful that the bad beta could be wrong. I felt foolish and stupid and hated myself for taking afuckingnother pregnancy test less than 12 hours before the bleeding.

I waited hours before telling my Mother what was going on. And when I did I did it a very removed, matter of fact, would you like a cup of tea oh and I am bleeding, sort of way. It was one of my infamous distancing tactics. If I speak about something with an even voice then eventually I will stop shaking about it.

And so Mother said nothing to me. There might have been a “sorry”, but it really wasn’t at all what I wanted.

The problem was that I did not know what I wanted/needed until I realized that I wasn’t getting it. There is no pamphlet in our house on how to help someone through becoming unpregnant. There isn’t a book on our shelves about how to Mother a daughter that is going through something that you have never gone through.

As the day went on and the pain increased I found comfort in your e-mails and comments, but what I really wanted was my Mother. I wanted her to call me, or come home, or send someone to check on me. I felt how much I depended on her to be a surrogate for a partner. And I felt like she should just know what I needed. Her not calling felt like her not caring.

(this is where I shouldn’t have to remind you that I am not a woman with even keeled hormone levels at the moment)

Mother called home, the first and only time, after 7pm. By that point I was pissed off. I was angry. I felt like I had no support. So when she called to explain that she was running late and that traffic was a bitch I sort of let her have it. It didn’t feel good to unburden my issues on her. I felt selfish and bratty and needy and lame. I hung up in tears.

And yet there was a part of me that felt like maybe Mother would come home with flowers or Thai food. She wouldn’t come home empty handed. She was good like that.

Except she did come home empty handed. And that just set me off again.

I realize now that it is just wrong and unhealthy of me to put my Mother into the role of being my partner when she is, in fact, not my partner and only my Mother. I am not the first single woman to become unpregnant alone. It seems lame that I couldn’t be strong enough to think I could do it alone. I did do it alone (well and with all of you).

There are a lot of discussions going on at blogs that I love. Discussions about the roles of the other parent. I find myself feeling really removed from those discussions. Not only was I not raised with a co-parent, but I don’t plan on raising my child with a co-parent. Sure my Mother and I got a lot of support from my Grandparents, and I know that I will get support from my Mother. But my Mother is not my co-parent. I am solo on this flight.

I can’t and don’t blame my Mother for not knowing exactly what I needed to get through the pain. While she knows me very well, I can’t expect her to know specifics. I can’t expect anyone to know that except me. If what I need is shredded cheese and flour tortillas then, by jove, I need to haul my ass to the store and get it.

I’m rambling here, still pretty numb over how this week has unfolded. I guess my point is that there is no right way to help someone through their grief. As many of you have commented- the loss is different for everyone. What I have learned is that I am pretty much a needy fuck when it comes to loss.

I will say that someone did send me the perfect card. And since I think the perfect card is hard to find I am going to share it exactly with you. The front reads: I believe in you. Life hasn’t been fair to you. You have the ability and determination to succeed in spite of the odds, and if you try, I know you’ll make it. The inside reads: I believe in you, and I am here to help you in any way I can. I don’t promise it will be easy, but I know you can do it. Believe in yourself.

Thank you Academy Greetings for nailing it.

I also want to thank SO many of you for de-Lurching. That was pretty fucking awesome and nice. And not really a freak in the bunch!

[edited to add: My Mother has totally proven herself to be an amazing support to me. I just want to be clear that my Mom wasn't  NOT there for me. This post is just about how I realized that I expected her to read my mind.]