Wow. 2008 is now tied with 2003 for Shittiest Start of the Year Ever. And since the Universe likes there to be a certain symmetry to these things it saw fit to make me unpregnant on the anniversary of my Grandfather’s death. And because I am a shitty person I didn’t even remember that he had died on that day because up until around 4pm I was a shiny, happy, pregnant person.
Fuck. This just sucks and it sucks so hard. And I know there is nothing to be said. And I really wish there was a way that I could climb out of this pit of doom. Inside the pit all of the negative things I say to myself reverberate and echo. I just can’t turn off all of the yelling and screaming that I am doing in my head. I am boiling with unrest and agitation.
I feel like such a fool for trying. I mean how presumptuous of me to think that something good might happen. How nuts! How many hints do I have to get before I learn that not everyone gets what they want.
Usually I can bounce back from a set back. Usually I can rally and start working on a plan B or plan C. What is killing me now is that I have no backup. I have no more options. I have an ice-tray in the Northeast with some embryos and in a few months I will have to pay money to keep them frozen and I don’t even have that kind of money. So poof!
I am just so sick of myself. I feel so obnoxious and lame and damaged and stupid.
Things in my head:
1) This was all just a false positive. I was never knocked up. It was all just a lab error. Hell, it can happen. See my October, 2007 if you don’t believe me.
2) OH! Maybe that last beta was wrong. Maybe I am still knocked up. I’ll be like that lady from McDonald’s that didn’t think she was the P word and then she went to the bathroom and pooped out a baby.
3) If you drink another glass of wine you can numb all of this.
I know that eventually I will get over this. Maybe. I mean I know so many of you have been through and are going through worse things and somehow you all do ok. Somehow. But HOW? I want the immediate fix. I want the escape button.
What slays me is that this just brings to surface all of my delicious feelings of self worth- and boy are they low. I keep trying to figure out just went wrong. I have to get through this. I wish I was stronger, richer, wiser, thinner, and able to have faith.
Last night I looked up at the stars and cussed them out. FUCK YOU, I screamed at them. All of those damn nights of wishing upon them. All of that wasted hope and energy. Fuck you storks, and lucky pennies, and Super Grover, and positive pee sticks.
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