When your beta simply doesn’t double you are not immediately unpregnant. You are on the verge of being un, but your body still hasn’t gotten the memo. This is something that I am finding extremely annoying and upsetting.
I am one of those clean the house, wash the sheets, take out the trash and then it is done types of people. You say the party is over and I close down the bar and kick everyone out. HCG doesn’t work at the speed that I would like it to. Oh no, it lingers and fucks with your head. It hangs around stinking up the house and annoying the neighbors.
I am horrified that I am still gagging over smells, aching from boobs of broken glass and able to nap at the drop of a hat. If this shit is done with then I want there to be a damn off switch. I want to get it all out of me and I want it out now.
Each moment of feeling still pregnant kills me. It feels like a roommate that just won’t leave. It feels like someone dangling a treat in front of me and then snatching it away.
Oh the feeling is like a drug that I crave and hate. I wanted to feel knocked up for so long. I needed that bodily validation that something was happening. Now I just feel like some circus freak show: behold the unpregnant woman and her aversion to cologne!
I feel like I am a person that is suspended in ice and that I won’t fully be me again until the ice thaws and I dry off. Everything about my body feels foreign and wrong and tricked.
And then part of me just feels this giant rage. I feel as if I am living someone else’s life. Surely this much shit can’t all just be for me. This must have been sent to the wrong address.
Then I wonder if I am coming across as this massive asshole for being so upset when there was just barely a glimmer of hope to begin with. What a silly girl for thinking she could be so lucky. How foolish of her to actually think that her first IVF would actually work!
And I am so jealous of other women with their savings accounts and fertility insurance. Women that are going through losses right now and yet are able to pull themselves a bit out of the funk because in two months they can try again. Oh how I want to be one of those women. If I could just have something tangible to look forward to. Just a little hint that another New Year won’t pass me by and find me still unpregnant. But I know it will. And that sort of knowledge is just dragging me down to the pits of melancholy.
When does the switch go off? When will I feel like less of a failure? When will the shame and the guilt go away? It is all just too much.
{ 49 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh hon I so get this and I wish you didn’t have to go though it. ((hugs)).
All i can say is i love you. And i can’t possibly imagine the flurry of feelings and mixed up shit you are going through right now. This is way easier said than done, i’m sure, but just try to be easy on yourself right now. Pound on the walls, scream, cry, shout, and be enraged, but don’t aim it at yourself.
You have been through enough. And if you can’t love yourself enough right at this exact moment, we’ll be helping you as much as possible by loving you for you.
We’re here if you need us.
Sorry Cali. So sorry.
You are in my thougts.
hugs to you
My friend, this is an unfair (as usual, right?) place to be. I can only hope your body gets it soon and this is not a prolonged process. Much love.
Oh Cali. Just want to hug you.
i also want to hug you.
xoxoxoxo
I’m glad to see you surface. I wish you had a Dyson. I love you.
I am sorry Cali…. no one deserves this and especially not you. I pray your days get better.
It sucks an unbelievable amount, no matter how faint or short the glimmer of hope was. It may even be worse than no hope, a little hope yanked away.
My heartburn started with the penguin and didn’t disappear until delivery of Beck. One solid year of heartburn, almost to the day. Those months in between were incredible torture. To still have to eat fricking crackers all day even after the baby was sucked out. It is of the utmost cosmic unfairness.
I wish I could tell you that you would feel better very soon but there’s no telling with that fucking bitch HCG so I don’t want to lead you on. I am no tease.
Love you, honey.
ohhh
my heart goes out to you…
are you going monday to retest and see what your options are…
hugs you tightly…….i have no other words but know we are all here for you..
Hugs from us both. xxxx
I felt the same way. I’m so sorry. It will slowly get less crappy. Not good. Less crappy. Blog it out. That’s what we’re all here for.
I’m so sorry. I’ve been following this blog and my heart breaks for you. I hope your heart feels better soon.
I’m so sorry. Fucking hCG. I found acupuncture helped resetting the body. Which at least reduces that anguish… Crap. I’m miserable for you.
Hi, babe – I’m thinking of you. Thinking with amazement – even now your writing kicks me to the floor with it’s greatness.
love, love, love and more love from Virginia – from me and all my people here.
this hanging on thing is such a slap in the face…what you describe is exactly what hope experienced in the 2.5 weeks between the bad u/s and the induced m/c. it was such a mindfuck…it allowed for a stupid glimmer of hope that maybe everything would work out.
i hope so much for every kind of resolution for you. <3
If you weren’t in a rage at the world I’d be worried. How else are you supposed to react? How could you not be angry?
I wish, oh how I wish you didn’t have to go through with this.
So sorry for you. 2 years ago I went through the same – 1st IVF resulted in stellar beta of 26 on Christmas Eve. When u/s day arrived, I knew deep down what it would show and sure enough the pregnancy was not viable. Waiting to miscarry was miserable as was un-telling the few family and friends we had told. Babybound captured it well, it will get less crappy, not good, but less crappy.
I am so sorry.
It’s just horrible. You are constantly in our thoughts.
this life is so unfair. and it makes me wish crazy things. like changing jobs to Big University Hospital, where there are offered domestic partner benefits, which i am sure include some fertility insurance stuff, and then miss cali, you could be my domestic partner until you got your baby.
i know i am not the only one here who would do this and move an eternity of mountains for you. i have no words of comfort, but i tell you with a 100% certainty, you are very much loved. every. step. of. the. way.
xo,
gypsy
Jen developed NEW symptoms after the u/s that showed a dead baby. The waiting for it all to go away was pretty damn horrible. I so wish you weren’t going through this. And you’re not coming across as an asshole. It fucking sucks and there’s no getting around that. It *might* be worth going for a beta to make sure it’s dropping appropriately. But that might just be my need to always have the most info possible talking.
life can be so unfair. it sucks that you have to sit through this tortuous wait and suffer a loss at the same time. you are not crazy for mourning this loss, however early it is. it is your lost hope for this baby that you’re grieving and it sucks.
it also sucks to have to struggle with financial issues when trying to create a family. it’s just not right. I feel the same way, I put all my faith in #1 because there will be no #2. now its FET or bust…
anyway, I really just wanted to send you a big gentle cyberhug. ~luna
I’m so sorry, my darlin’. I wish I could fix it all for you.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this hell. And it does sound like hell. Much love to you. You are in my thoughts a lot these days.
Oh how familiar these words feel to me. It totally sucks and I am so sorry it is happening. I’m thinking about you through all of this.
By the way, you need ads. I made $10 today. You will make more, I bet.
I am so sorry all this is happening. Hugs to you.
Thinking of you. xoxo
You are always in my thoughts. xo
I’m so sorry.
Calliope,
again, I am so very sorry. It plain sucks.
J
thinking of you and admiring you and so very sorry you have to go through this.
Kx
I am just so sad for you.
My heart is breaking for you.
it sucks. im so so sorry. be as gentle with yourself as you can, ok?
love you.
I’m so sorry. And unfortunately, I am right there with you.
Thinking of you today and sending you more virtual hugs. This is not fair, and you don’t sound like an asshole. You are justified in every feeling you have right now.
I’m sorry too. I know nothing we say helps, but we are thinking of you here. Hugs.
Dear Cali, I am so sorry and so sad to hear about this loss. If it helps, blog it out. Know that we are all here for you – as best as we can be.
Sending you a virtual hug.
Thinking of you (hug)
I wish I oculd say something wise and warm and wonderful that would make it all better. I don’t think anything like that exists. All I can do is send you my love and prayers.
sending you love…
xoxoxo
I”m so sorry.
Thinking of you.
{{{sighs}}} I love you.
Cali I am so so sorry. Words are just crap now but you have so many many people around the world who care about you and wish that it was different. It’s no consolation, I know.
It’s just not fair. xx
I’m sorry. I wish there was more to say to make it better, but there isn’t. It just sucks.
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