That’s all folks.

You know how you start a new school and you begin to make new friends and everything is looking fabulous and then for no obvious reason whatsoever something happens and your friends ditch you and you are all alone at the lunch table with your bagged lunch and feeling sorry for yourself? That is sort of what being suddenly unpregnant feels like.

Except maybe worse. Ok, a lot fucking worse.

My beta went from 155 to 160. The RE does not believe that it is viable and gave me the option of staying on estrogen and progesterone and doing another beta on Monday or just stopping the supplementing and letting nature take its course. I am going with nature.

I wonder if a part of me actually did this to myself. All of that doubting and comparing and not being grateful enough. Who knows what sort of damage that did?

I feel like the hugest failure on the most primal level. I feel like a broken and damaged woman. I feel like a small child who wants to scream, “why can’t I do anything right?!”

This is not the time when I need to be reminded that I can try again. To be honest I can’t. Not for at least a year. (no job=no money=no plane ticket=no clinic money=no trying) I am out & I am out for a long time.

And I hurt. Like physically hurt in ways I never have before. I feel like I suddenly know what a  barbaric yawp is. And I hate that as soon as I got the phone call my gut began to twist and turn in a way that I knew bleeding would happen soon. And I have no tampons in my house.

I am unpregnant and it has slayed me.

January 3, 2008 | Filed Under IVF #1.5 

Comments

128 Responses to “That’s all folks.”

  1. AmyNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 3:41 pm

    There are not words to decribe how sorry I am for your loss. Big hugs.

  2. JudeNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 3:47 pm

    I love you so, so, so very much.
    So much.

  3. meganNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 3:51 pm

    holding you in my heart. i’m so very sorry and i hate that this has happened. more goddamned fucked up universe SHIT.

  4. SaraNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 3:52 pm

    So, so, so sorry. It’s not fair, and it’s not right.

  5. AimeeNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 3:53 pm

    OH NO!! (((((((hugs)))))))) I am so very sorry Calliope. :o( I know how you are feeling. My first IVF was a chemical and I took it very hard. I will not even tell you how I dealt with my pain. Bless your heart…..

  6. KeriNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 3:54 pm

    I’m not sure I have anything useful to add but I wanted to stop in and let you know I am sick for you - ache for you.
    I’m so, so sorry.

  7. starrhillgirlNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 3:56 pm

    Hey girl. Hey. I’m holding you tight, babe.
    love, love, love….

  8. meganNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 3:58 pm

    forgot to say that you SO did not do this. it is NOT your fault. it’s not. it’s not.

  9. Jen (yup, another one)No Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 4:03 pm

    Oh, Cali. Ohhhhhhhh, Cali. Sending you so much love.

  10. charlotteNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 4:04 pm

    i am so heartbroken with you, C. also, if hope and good wishes could make a pregnancy happen and then be viable, we would all have been knocked up years ago. i am beyond sad for you.

  11. CarrieNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 4:15 pm

    I am so, so sorry.

  12. LoNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 4:16 pm

    also heartbroken. and no, you didn’t do it. As Charlotte said, if love could make us knocked up, we’d all have families of eight by now; and if doubt could end a pregnancy, none of us would have any children at all.

    We love you so much and we are *pissed off* at the universe. It has some explaining to do.

  13. elowynNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 4:17 pm

    Oh, honey, so very very very fucking sorry. And no, you didn’t cause this. No amount of doubt/certainty/anything else makes a bit of difference. I’m heartbroken for you, truly. Wrapping you in a ginormous mental hug.

  14. BlondieNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 4:20 pm

    Oh babe, I’m so sorry. *hug* I can’t begin to tell you how much this made my gut lurch. Just know that the IVP is giving you the largest hug the world has ever known.

  15. jennyNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 4:30 pm

    Cali you did not do this. Nothing you did. Nothing. It’s a horrible crappy shitty fucked up nasty ass thing that sucks and bites and I don’t even have words for it. BUT YOU DID NOT CAUSE IT TO HAPPEN.

    ((hugs)) We are here for you honey.

  16. DebNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 4:32 pm

    There are no words. Hang in there…

  17. socalgemini14No Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 4:34 pm

    Cali, I am so sorry. I wish I could be there with you to give you a hug and share a bottle of wine. I hate this process. I’ll be thinking about you. Try to hang in there. xoxoxo

  18. kittenroar5No Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 4:44 pm

    Oh honey. I’m so, so sad for you. It’s all unbelievably unfair. Hugs and healing thoughts. Take care of yourself.

  19. cooler*doulaNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 4:46 pm

    I’m so sorry. Crap.

  20. JadeNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 4:47 pm

    I am in disbelief, the universe is playing a very cruel joke today. I am so sorry.

  21. caitNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 4:50 pm

    What the fuck is wrong with the universe? I want you to keep taking the drugs because I want to hang onto that tiny sliver of hope. I want it to be us rather than you. I want to make it all fucking WORK for you. I’m so, so sorry. It’s not your fault. But it so, so sucks.

  22. PepperNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 4:50 pm

    Oh, sweetie. I am so very sorry you’re going through this. I wish I had words to help you heal. Just know that we’re all here thinking of you, praying for you, and lifting you up in our hearts.

  23. From Here To MaternityNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 4:52 pm

    SHIT, FUCK DAMM!

  24. NiobeNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 4:53 pm

    Oh no. What terrible, terrible news. I am so, so sorry and I wish I had some words of comfort. But all I can do is keep on telling you how sorry I am and how I wish things were different.

  25. sabrinaNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 4:59 pm

    i emailed you but just wanted to also say that it is NOTHING you did. NOTHING. please don’t do that to yourself. i’m sick for you.

  26. Renee and JaniceNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 5:03 pm

    I”m so sorry. I know there are no words that can help…just know you are in everyone’s thoughts.. sending you hugs!

  27. TheMurielsNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 5:06 pm

    Oh, NO!!! I’m so, so, so, sorry Cali. I do know how you feel, I really do. There is nothing I can say, other than to let you know that you did not cause this.

  28. chrisNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 5:08 pm

    you have got to be fucking kidding me. saying that this sucks does not even begin to cover it. i am so so sorry and wish there was something that anyone could do to make it better. i am thinking of you.

  29. jeanNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 5:11 pm

    I am very sorry. This is so not fair. You did nothing to cause this to happen.

  30. SarahNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 5:13 pm

    I am so so sorry to hear this news. I don’t even know what else to say, I’m just so sorry.

  31. BreeNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 5:13 pm

    Oh Cali. Sending hopes for love, support and healing. So so sorry.

  32. leah, recent lurkerNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 5:15 pm

    so sorry :(

  33. meanmamaNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 5:18 pm

    Oh Cali. I am stunned and so, so sorry. And previous posters are right - we do NOT will gain nor loss. It just is, and that’s what makes this world so very shitty and inexplicable and hard to live in sometimes.
    My heart goes out to you, and I really wish I could give you the biggest hug ever right now. -laG

  34. hdNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 5:23 pm

    I am so, so, so sorry. I love you. I don’t know what else to say.

  35. owlieNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 5:24 pm

    so so so so sorry. its not your fault. such a shitty horrible thing to happen.

  36. BleuNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 5:44 pm

    oh fuck am so sorry hun

  37. bNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 5:49 pm

    I am so very sorry.

  38. jrp11No Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 5:53 pm

    So very sorry to hear about this loss. My true condolences. Please be assured by the words of those who posted before me, that you did not do anything to cause this. I pray you can find some peace of heart at some point, and if there is anything I can do, please let me know.

  39. KerryNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 5:53 pm

    Cali

    So very very sorry. The universe is really fucked up.

  40. MelodyNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 6:10 pm

    Raging at the universe. This sucks so hard. I am so very sorry.

  41. megNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 6:16 pm

    I am sorry….very sorry Cali.

  42. e.No Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 6:16 pm

    there are no words, but i am sorry and hurting for you.

  43. shelliNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 6:30 pm

    fuckers. just fucking fuckers.

    I love you. I am so sorry.

    Fucking universe!

  44. jNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 6:39 pm

    I love you and am so sorry.

  45. MelNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 6:47 pm

    Scream. Punch a pillow. Go to the store and buy cheap plates and then go outside and throw them against the wall of the house.

    I am so sorry, Cali. The enormity of how much this sucks is consuming. And I wish there were words that could help.

  46. jennNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 6:49 pm

    I am so so so sorry. Words cannot say enough. This just fucking sucks. truly.

  47. JeannetteNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 6:52 pm

    my heart hurts for you. please do not blame yourself.

  48. disNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 6:56 pm

    It’s just not right.
    I am so sorry.
    You’re in our thoughts.

  49. ClementineNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 6:59 pm

    I am so so sorry to know this has happened to you. I have been there, and know there are no words to say how very painful it is… this just sucks.

  50. SonyaNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 7:01 pm

    I am so very sorry as well. I have also been there.

  51. ShelleyNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 7:02 pm

    Cali I don’t know what to say other than I’m deeply sorry that this is happening. Being un-pregnant when you don’t want to be is horrible. I really wish this wasn’t happening to you.

  52. j. k-c.No Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 7:03 pm

    So, so sorry. No words. ((((hugs))))

  53. BeckyNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 7:19 pm

    Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry.

    So sorry.

  54. carrie-targetgirlNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 7:43 pm

    I don’t know how this is possible. Much love to you Cali. I am so very sorry.

  55. sassyredheadNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 7:44 pm

    Cali, it was nothing that you did. I’m so SO sorry, my heart is breaking for you. This is so effing unfair.

  56. ClareNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 7:48 pm

    I am so sorry. I know that sitting at the table (even with all of us here sending virtual hugs) is lonely and I am sorry for that.

  57. JNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 7:50 pm

    I just don’t understand. This wasn’t supposed to happen. You did nothing to make this happen. You are a loved woman. We are all praying for you and shaking our fists at the powers that be that run our world. So. sorry.

  58. CibeleNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 7:55 pm

    I am so so sorry. Hugs!

  59. KarenNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 8:07 pm

    I know there is nothing I can say. I actually physically feel for you right now. I am so, so sorry.

  60. gypsygrrlNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 8:07 pm

    i am so so sorry…
    sending you love and hugs.
    and shouting some foul words up at the universe on your behalf.

    love you,
    gypsy

  61. KatNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 8:10 pm

    I’m so sorry. Please be kind to yourself during this difficult time. xoxo

  62. PattyNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 8:18 pm

    I am so sorry. I just can’t wrap my mind around why this has happened to you.

    long time lurker

  63. AnneNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 8:22 pm

    Oh Cali, I am so sorry. :-( My heart is hurting for you tonight. Please take care of yourself.

  64. CareNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 8:25 pm

    Cali, I am so sorry. Damn. This sucks!

  65. PiquantMolly (AKA Mollywogger)No Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 8:30 pm

    Oh Fuck.

    Christ, I am so sorry to hear this Cali. Do NOT blame yourself darling. Life doesn’t make sense and isn’t fair, or you would have a healthy infant in your arms already.

    Love you, darling. Be kind to youself.

  66. SherryNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 8:32 pm

    i love you.

  67. geohdeNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 8:32 pm

    Calliope,

    ther is nothing I can say other than how achingly sorry I was to read this post,

    xx

    J

  68. babyboundNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 8:37 pm

    I am truly sorry to hear this. I can honestly say that I have thought all of the things you wrote here and I CAN relate. I know there isn’t anything I can really say that will give you a mind hug so I’ll just say. Crap man. That sucks. :-(

  69. thechroniclesofconceptionNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 8:52 pm

    oh my gosh. i am so sorry. this is incredibly unfair, and just wrong. you are in my thoughts.

  70. BiancaNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 8:55 pm

    Shit, shit, shit!!!!! I’m so sorry Cali! Shit!

  71. OrodemniadesNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 9:15 pm

    To say my heart sank when I read the title is an understatement.

    Dammitalltohell.

  72. nycphoenixNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 9:30 pm

    no no no no no I don’t want to believe this.

    shit fuck damn.

    NOW I’m beginning to question my God

    I love you so so much

  73. MegNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 10:13 pm

    Cali, I’m so very sorry. I wish I had the magic words to make it right.

  74. party bNo Gravatar on January 3rd, 2008 11:09 pm

    this definitely wasn’t something you did nor any measure of you as a person. there aren’t words to make it better - but I wish there were. ((hugs))

  75. AliceNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 12:34 am

    So sorry Cali and wish it wasn’t true. Much love Alice

  76. reproducinggeniusNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 12:41 am

    No words will make this feel better, so I’ll simply offer my virtual shoulder and a giant hug. I’m so sorry.

  77. JenniferNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 1:10 am

    Calliope-

    Many thoughts from a lurker who hasn’t said hi but has been following your story for years. I too wish it wasn’t so.

  78. veeNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 2:56 am

    Fuvk. No. I’m gutted for you. Gutted.

  79. jayNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 2:57 am

    Me too. That’s beyond awful. I’m sorrier than a sorry thing. xxxx

  80. ClarkNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 4:28 am

    So very sorry. You don’t deserve this.

  81. eggdropbloggerNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 5:04 am

    Ths really sucks. It is so unfair. I am LIVID right now. F*ck!

  82. asiaNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 5:41 am

    Shit. That is terrible news. I’m stunned.

  83. EstelleNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 6:14 am

    We love you.

  84. JenniferNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 6:14 am

    I am so very very sorry.

  85. coriNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 6:33 am

    This really sucks. Sometimes there are no words.

  86. maebyNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 7:27 am

    “Sometimes there just aren’t enough rocks” - one of my favorite lines from Forrest Gump. Unfair doesn’t even begin to describe this. Cruel, horrific, tragic … they’re just words that fail to even skim the top of all you’ve been through. You do what you need to get through this; we’ll be holding you in our thoughts & loving you with all our hearts.

  87. chauceriangirlNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 7:53 am

    I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry!! I’m weeping along with you.

  88. SaraNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 7:57 am

    Ughh– I am so sorry. I don’t think there is anything I could write that has not already been written, but I am sending you all my best thoughts.

  89. AmyNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 8:23 am

    I’m so sorry Cali. I’ll be thinking of you. The IVF not working this time is not your fault. Others have said it better- but I wanted to make sure you heard it (at least) one more time.
    Take care of yourself,
    A

  90. snNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 8:41 am

    you did not bring this on. you don’t deserve this. you deserve much love and support and strength–that you have certainly brought upon yourself.

  91. RebeccahNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 8:45 am

    So very very sad to hear this … Please treat yourself gently.

  92. KwynneNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 9:01 am

    Cali,

    I am so so sorry to hear this. Fuck! My heart is breaking for you, I so so stunned. This is so fucking unfair. *big hugs*

  93. byrdladyNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 9:06 am

    Oh god, Cali. i am crying with you right now. i am so f*cking sorry. i honestly don’t even know what to think.
    Please know that by no means did you do this to yourself. This is one of those horrible tragedies that remind me why my spirituality is shaky at best.
    i love you. i’ll call you.

  94. notesfrom2momsNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 9:16 am

    i don’t have any words to offer, just know that everyone is thinking about you.

  95. KarenNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 9:19 am

    I am so very sorry. Take care of yourself.

  96. singletraceyNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 9:31 am

    I know words don’t help.. but I am so sorry Cali.

  97. lunaNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 11:02 am

    oh cali, there are just no words. I am so so sorry. This is NOT your fault. Life just f’ing sucks sometimes. Not comforting, I know. Please know you have a hell of a team here to hold you up, thinking of you and sending you some good love. ~luna

  98. ClementineNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 12:07 pm

    I’m so terribly sorry for this loss. It isn’t your fault and you didn’t do anything wrong.

  99. RellaNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 12:22 pm

    so sorry. Make a plan, even if it’s far away. It helped me through a couple of losses and numerous failed cycles. what about the 2 promising frozen embryos?

  100. chickletNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 1:02 pm

    I’m sure this is inappropriate considering what shite you’ve been through, but this post really moved me, and where maybe it’s inappropriate is that it didn’t just move me cuz everything sucks and you’ve just been so badly robbed, but also because you describe it well. The comparisons to others, the physical ache. Gawd.

  101. Rebecca (puppymom)No Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 1:06 pm

    GODDAMMIT, Cali!!! What a horrible painful thing to have to go through. It has NOTHING to do with how grateful you are (or any other such nonsense). But it sure is maddening.

    I’m so so so sorry. Take care of yourself…clearly from the response hear, there are a lot of thoughts and prayers out there for you.

  102. BridgetNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 1:42 pm

    Just delurking to say that I think this is so unfair and I’m so so sorry. Please know that many people are thinking of your during this time.

  103. SLNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 2:09 pm

    I’m terribly sorry. None of this is your fault, none.

  104. Man-Annie Oakley: Sweeper of the ShardsNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 2:27 pm

    Oh love, I wish I were closer to you at this moment. I am so sorry and… honestly, I’m speechless. I love you.

  105. TracyNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 2:34 pm

    I am so incredibly sorry. This is so utterly unfair.

  106. SherriNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 2:36 pm

    Hi…I have been lurking on your blog for a while and have been keeping all crossables crossed for you. I am so sorry this is happening to you. Please know that it’s not your fault. I know it’s easy to think that way. We lost our baby in May and I had those thoughts more than once. I know you’re on a involuntary break but I know that you will have a baby in your arms soon.

  107. SandraNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 2:42 pm

    Not fair, not right, it sucks, and I am so so sorry.

  108. CindyNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 2:42 pm

    So sorry this has happened. :(

  109. BethNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 2:54 pm

    I hate that this is happening to you. I’m thinking of you.

  110. MargieNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 3:02 pm

    Oh nooooo, soooooo sorry to hear this.
    XO

  111. MichellNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 3:02 pm

    Shit, I am so very sorry. Hugs to you.

  112. DianneNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 3:13 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss.

  113. AndreaNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 4:28 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. It was NOT your fault.

  114. AureliaNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 4:36 pm

    I am so sorry about this, I hope that you can wake up tomorrow and put one foot in front of another and carry on, because even if it takes a year, this doesn’t have to be the end forever. It’s just the end, right now.

  115. CoNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 4:44 pm

    There are no words. I am so sorry.

    You did not bring this on yourself.

  116. Waiting AmyNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 5:16 pm

    I too am so sorry Cali. I missed how things had been going, and I’m so sorry it worked out this way.

    And NO, it is NOT your fault. Be kind to yourself.

  117. KattyNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 5:18 pm

    Please don’t blame yourself. You did nothing wrong. I am so very sorry that this has happened. So very sorry. Please look after yourself. My thoughts are with you.
    Love, Kx

  118. k77No Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 7:48 pm

    Fuck, I am so sorry.

  119. thalyaNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 9:15 pm

    oh cali I’m so very sorry. Of course it’s nothing you did, it’s just a shitty thing that’s happening to you. Thinking of you.

  120. HeatherNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 10:55 pm

    I’m so very sorry.

  121. ShannonNo Gravatar on January 4th, 2008 11:23 pm

    All I have to add is “This really sucks” I’m sending you a hug.

  122. BeaNo Gravatar on January 5th, 2008 6:20 am

    I’m so sorry it ended this way.

    Bea

  123. tbeanNo Gravatar on January 5th, 2008 8:47 am

    The world is cruel and unfair and senseless, oftentimes. I am so sorry for your loss.

  124. bbandsarahNo Gravatar on January 5th, 2008 10:21 am

    I’m speechless. And hurting for you.

    I am so sorry Cali.

  125. SarahNo Gravatar on January 5th, 2008 10:27 am

    sigh.

  126. CheekNo Gravatar on January 5th, 2008 11:10 am

    I’ve lurked till now. I’m so sorry. This just sucks, and you didn’t do ANYTHING to deserve it. It sucks. I’m so sorry.

  127. catNo Gravatar on January 6th, 2008 7:59 am

    Cali we are sending you our love. I’m here if you need anything. *hugs*

  128. SachaNo Gravatar on January 8th, 2008 9:19 am

    damn it.

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