-
-
Places to Go:
Apples and Oranges:comparing sucks
I can’t remember when I first realized that my family was not like other families. There might have been a moment of confusion upon meeting someone’s father or carpooling with someone’s sibling. I would view the extra addition to a friend’s family as “just one of those things”. The differences didn’t bother me as I didn’t feel like I was lacking.
But there were other things, other differences, that I was honing in on. How come my friend got designer jeans? How come my friend didn’t have tummy rolls? How come my friend didn’t have a face dotted with freckles or an overbite? These differences made me suspicious of the world. They made me wonder if I was good enough or clever enough or pretty enough. Having friends in the 3rd grade is like having built in barometers to constantly measure one’s self worth. By age 9 I was far better at coveting than I was at cursive handwriting.
As I got older I continued to compare myself with others. I was aware of differences in looks, attitude, faith, financial security, foot size. I began to work hard to make money so that I could buy the fancy face creams and have weekend visits to spas. I had this deep seeded need to be successful- but my view of success was pretty warped.
I have never been so hard on myself as I was/am during the years of trying to make a baby. Not only was I body hating and freaking out, but I was also part of a community where you saw women get lucky their first try. And immediately you need to know why. Why is that girl getting a baby and I am not? Why is that girl covered with amazing fertility insurance and I am not? Why is that girl so damn lucky?
What sucks is that even now, when I have come farther that I ever have, I am still stuck in the mindset of comparing myself to others. I read about other people’s betas and I feel immediately like the 9 year old girl that had the generic trapper keeper. As if I am some sort of beta fraud with my low and sad little number.
And I know it is stupid, but I just can’t turn off that angsty and jealous feeling of not being cool enough. Here is how messed up my head is: there is a fabulous site that rounds up blog news and puts it in a concise newsletter format. I have dreamed about being listed in the newly knocked up section for ages. AGES. Finally I am listed among women with positive beta numbers. The stinger: every other woman is said to have a “great beta”. My listing says “good”. I mean I guess it is better than “mediocre” or “lame”. But my need to be just as good (or should I say just as great) is supreme.
I wonder if I am already dooming this blob of cells. Am I not being grateful enough? Am I not appreciative enough? I am not sure that is the case. Just thinking that it might work makes my lip quiver with hope.
But I can’t turn off this giant, huge, massive need to have excellence. I want that giant beta and the perfect labs. Everyone else’s beta is greener on the other side.
Comments
25 Responses to “Apples and Oranges:comparing sucks”
Got something to say?
-
-
Give to U.T.E.R.U.S.
-
Great Hosting By:
-
I think it is normal to compare ourselves to others… and in 9 months when you are holding that baby in your arms, you will look back on this beta and realize it was great.
Yeah. the internal comparrisons NEVER stop. We simply stuff the fear further and further into the recesses of our minds, hoping that in doing so, it will go away. And sometimes? Moments of joy do indeed replace the fear. So my wish for you, dear, sweet Cali? T have much much joy to REPLACE the fear, instead of needing to tuck it away for later, you know?
love you.
I think its just in our nature to compare ourselves.
If only you knew how ultra cool you truly are and how many of us newbies are intimidated by your greatness.
Seriously.
Excellence is, in the end, a healthy baby in your arms. It won’t matter at that point if it started with a low beta, was a slow developer or took a long time to get here. Yes, a high beta is nice for reassurance but it is not the be all and end all.
I truly believe that there is no reason (that we can understand) that we got dealt the shitty hand. Hell, maybe we asked for this life to be this way so we could learn something we didn’t learn in another life? I also in my good moments believe that our lives will be richer for struggling as we have done. So while coveting is comforting in the short term, in the long term it is best (I think) to try to tune out the noise of other people’s lives.
You can never know what horrible cards you might be dealt in the future. How about just enjoying your hard won pregnancy today? The truth is that tragedy may strike at any moment, but today you have a moment of joy and a moment of hope. That’s really all we ever have.
There is a song that goes “I’m glad I didn’t know, the way it all would end; the way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I would’ve had to miss the dance.”
For goodness sake stop comparing yourself with the other girls. The best I have ever managed to do in that regard is to decide what is most important to me in my life and then do that regardless of what the other girls have in their lives. Mama always told me everyone gets their sunshine and their rain, so don’t try to measure the luminosity of your sunshine against someone else’s.
i think after all you’ve been through its natural to think “this is too good to be true” and to look for signs that it isn’t quite as good as others based on numbers or whatever.
The important thing is to not let these feelings be yet another thing that makes you feel bad about yourself, and to realize that you are right smack dab in the midst of something you’ve been waiting for for years. You have made it so far, and now you know that this is possible for you. i am so proud and happy for you.
cut it out. you’ve got a fighter in there.
I bet no one else has a stork!!
When it comes to pregnancy, average is definitely best! You are doing great!
I know it is soooo tempting to feel inadequate with this new step. But really, truly, your numbers ARE great. They are what YOU need. You have made it Cali! You are pg! I wish I could say the uneasiness goes away, but that is still up in the air. Hopefully it will. In the meantime, try to enjoy some of this part. I didn’t and I really wish I had. I would hate to see you have the same regret. Big hugs.
Natalie’s right! No one else got their own personal stork!!! (I want a stork.)
I can really empathize with this (well, all except the positive betea numbers). I was the only kid in 5th & 6th grade to not even own a pair of blue jeans, my clothes came from Goodwill, etc. I was always the weird one amongst all my peers. And I remember when I was doing my IVF, I had perfect faith that it was all going to work and I was going to end up with a baby or two. I don’t think I could ever adequately describe the devastation I went through when my dreams drowned in a sea of blood (forgive the hyperbole), nor the devastation when I was forced by my incredibly severe endometriosis to get a hysterectomy before we were able to do a second IVF.
The point of all this is to let you know that while you’re comparing yourself with others, there are people who are comparing themselves with you. I’m so glad that you’ve got good numbers, glad the stork has decided to make a house call to you.
you will have great numbers… for now focus on the thought of a little one growing in you… tell him/her to eat their greens and grow
ahem btw way….. grins… are you gonna find out if you having a boy or a girl… curious readers want to know 
hugs!! tonya
Oh Sweety. The thing to try, and I stress try because it is so hard, is to focus on the fact that you are this minute in the best place you possibly could be towards achieving your dream, you are pregnant. Then also know how many of us had the fantastic betas and still lost a baby and how many of us had pitiful ones that make yours look like the trifecta and have babes in arms. The numbers just aren’t telling. I have a friend who had an over 6000 beta with an empty sac. There is just not a lot of consistency with this beta stuff, just averages made from widely varying numbers.
I have such positive thoughts for you and for this.
Much love and peace.
You can also try this site for some good positive guided imagery of pregnancy.
http://members.kaiserpermanente.org/redirects/listen/
I too have always done the comparrisons of myself to others and have almost always found myself falling short of what I thought I should be based on what others were. It’s tiring and depressing. Same way with betas. There is no guarantee that a high number will give you a baby for sure, just like there is no guarantee that a low number will mean problems. I hope that things continue to move along at a pace that will help you feel secure and give you some joy along the way.
Wow, I could have written this post. I have actually been writing a very similar post in my head. Great minds and all…
I don’t see why the site (which I’m not familiar with) has to rank the betas. Yours is right smack in the average part of the bell curve so what’s wrong with that??
and to echo previous commenters: you are indeed the grande dame of the IVP. and the stork….no one else gets the stork.
your comparing of numbers and feelings of worry/inadequacy are completely valid, okay? i know you can’t just “sit back and enjoy the fact that you’re pregnant,” and anyone who knows you or has been reading you for a while would get this. you’ve got (sorry) baby steps ahead of you, and we’ll be there with you–watching your betas rise, seeing the h/b(s) at the first u/s, finding out all about your baby(ies) at the BIG u/s….and maybe then you’ll be able to exhale.
your beta numbers are not indicative of your worth as a person, as a friend, as a daughter, granddaughter, or….mother. love to you!
I have to say that being in the hospital that first week probably saved me from beta hell. I realize now that my numbers were a bit on the low side, but at that point I was just more concerned that the kid stay despite all the meds and the ct scan. He did, and I’m so glad.
I’m convinced that the paranoia that newly pregnant infertile women experience is simply above and beyond anything non-infertile women experience. And let’s face it, that fear is warranted because of what we’ve gone through to merely get pregnant in the first place, and what we’ve witnessed others go through.
The key is, I think, to keep the end goal in mind without going completely overboard. It’s hard, but it can be done…and as time passes, it does get easier.
I can understand why you feel this way - just remember that YOUR body has its own pregnancy. I wish you all the best in finding contentment and enjoyment in where you are right now: on the path to baby.
I hear you; I feel you. But here’s the thing: you DID get the perfect labs: your results= pregnant.
Seriously, though, it will get easier/better to chill with every milestone you reach, as long as you keep in mind that your Goo-Baby is unique. xoxo
Yeah, but I bet your progesterone could beat up our progesterone.
And waaaaay more people are watching yours than ours. And you’re doing great. Keep growing, iota(s)! Hang in there, Cali. The numbers won’t matter soon. Really.
Because I am ill, I feel the need to be completely honest and tell you that I’ve never been able to turn that comparison stuff off. I know precisely what you mean, and I promise I’ve been there, and I’m sorry that you’re there too.
(hugs)
Cali, I think what you’re feeling is totally natural. I love all the comments above, esp. the ones to remind you these numbers don’t really matter, as long as they’re in the right direction and yours are! In 9 months that number will mean absolutely nothing.
And while I am so thrilled for everyone on that list, I have to say I wish I was there too. And that’s a tough comparison.
I hope you can relax and join the club, and enjoy, finally! ~luna
Ahh. Isn’t it interesting that whenever we compare ourselves to others we always feel inadequate? We know we excel at many things, but we never focus on that. No. We beat ourselves up for not being good enough at other stuff.
Doesn’t it make you tired? The comparisons rarely, if ever, motivate you to improve since you feel as if you can never measure up. That’s especially true here; we’re talking betas and the numbers are out of our control.
At the end of the day the unbiased truth is this: You are *pregnant*, girlfriend. That is so awesome and exciting! Focus on that part because it’s all you know for certain right now.
You’re pregnant. And that’s a beautiful thing.
I am sure this is small consolation, but your betas good enough for me! Oh, the comparisons…. I can pretty much ignore them, but, yes, there they are - off in a corner of my mind, being ignored.
Also, I never had a trapper-keeper either. I wanted one. It sucked.
i just want to say overbites are sexxy.