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The Groups
My weekend.
My weekend is a whirlwind of busy. I spent most of Saturday shopping for maternity clothes & registering for baby gifts. Today it is ALL about decorating the nursery and calling family with the news. We will also distribute a note to all of our neighbors requesting baby name ideas. Oh what fun it will be!
heh.
The truth: I spent the first waking hours of Saturday reading all about how low estrogen in early pregnancy is one of the top causes of miscarriages. Next was lurking on all of the “I just found out that I am pregnant!” message boards and going green with envy over everyone’s pretty, triple digit, beta numbers. So many posts from so many women wondering if their beta of 200 or more was “good enough”.
Bitches.
Then I peeled myself away from the computer and slept for most of the day. (well slept and watched Merlin on the SciFi network.)
I wanted this moment in my life to be filled with excitement and wonder. Two fucking years of waiting for my body to make it work and when it does it does it in such a half-assed way. I am completely disappointed and irritated in how inglorious this feels.
Where is my choir singing Ode to Joy? Where is my God Damn glow? Where is my congratulations without the tacked on decree to be “cautiously” optimistic? Fuck that.
I want all or nothing here. I want you ARE or you are NOT. I don’t want to be the gal that gets reassured that it can all work out. I want to be the girl that everyone says, “holy shit! That beta is so getting a high five!” “Check you out and your fancy beta bonanza!”
And I don’t mean to be ungrateful here. Yes I have seen the chart that says my little number is in some sort of range…it just isn’t what I wanted. I wanted a number that would calm me, reassure me, make me proud.
I wanted being pregnant to be the exact opposite of being infertile. With infertility there is bitter body hating, raging jealousy, sadness, fear, anxiety, depression, and clock watching. So far that is all still the same. I didn’t get to cross some invisible line or join some fancy club of smug belly rubbers.
My body hating is in full effect, my jealousy is out of control, my sadness, fear and anxiety feed the depression. I am still totally an infertile today.
And I can’t turn my brain off thinking about statistics. I am in a great buddy group on eff eff and just this week four of us had two lines on pee sticks. Four. Odds are that we won’t all be holding fat and healthy babies in September. And because I am in the right state of mind to say it - it looks like I am the one that is doomed.
Now I can’t get away with saying any of this shit out-loud in my house. Mother is going through one of those, “be positive!” “don’t wallow in negativity!” phases. It just kills me. I can’t be positive right now & I don’t think being positive is going to make a lick of difference. If anything it seems ridiculous to slap a grin on my face and hope for the best. I don’t want to fucking hope- I want to BE.
I just want to curl into the smallest shape possible at the end of my couch and melt away.
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54 Responses to “My weekend.”
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My betas were all low, unassuming, miserable-making. And research only made them see more insignificant. But as it turns out, they were high enough. Step away from Dr Google.
no words, dear. no words.
just gonna sit here and wait it out with you…
xo
Hey girl. You curl up on the couch, I’ll be over here hoping with a clear bright certainty that it will all be ok.
I know there is nothing that any of us say that will make the outcome any different. Just know that we are here hoping right along with. There are those of us who will be here wishing to say the right thing and not having the “right” words either way it goes because no one ever managed to say them to us. I hope that doesn’t sound as depressing to you as it does to me. That isn’t my intention. I’ll just shut my mouth now.
Yup. Life sucks all kinds of ass, basically. I don’t know why we can’t be the ones with the happy ending. Ever, it seems. But, you know, some women get fat healthy babies out of low numbers, so I hope you are one of them.
waiting and hoping right along with you. thinking of you and SO hoping that monday will bring good news. oh, the waiting is agony, isn’t it? where’s thhe crystal ball when you need one?
(hugs)
(hugs)
(smootches)
As you know, I have totally been where you are 2 miserable times. I hoped beyond hope that my low beta number would result in a baby at the end. It didn’t happen for me but it does happen to so many. I know it can happen so hoping you are one of those miracle stories.
There’s nothing I can say to make you feel less scared, I know that all too well. I can’t say let things happen, because that sounds even worse. All I can do is hope and pray along with you that Monday’s Beta is a kick ass, you are so for sure pregnant number. In the mean time sending lots of ((hugs)) your way.
Your honesty is brutal and amzaing. Major hugs coming your way, darling. Holding you and your little iota(s) in the light…
oh dearest Cali. I wish I were there. I can say this: regardless of beta numbers, I had the same experience of crossing over into pregnancy. (well, Co crossing over, whatever; it sure felt like the same thing) I too thought there would be a Defining Moment once we go the pee stick, and an angel would descend and whisper in our ears. For me, it was still waiting and hoping, at least through the first ultrasound at 6 weeks. I kept saying “OMG you might be pregnant!” It all just felt like an extension of the TWW (but now with nausea!).
We’ll be here with you tomorrow for whatever you need…
So I don’t have any wonderful words of wisdom to make you instantly feel better. I think that because of this shitty journey we take to get to where we want to be so damn badly it takes us quite a bit longer to reach the sunshine and daisy phase of being pregnant, that is if we can get there at all. That said, I am hoping like crazy that not only will you have that nice strong beta number tomorrow but you will also reach that sunshine and daisy feeling soon. Hugs to you and know that there are so many praying and sending all sorts of positive energy your way, hoping this will be it.
Beta Hell is called such for a reason. Here’s hoping you come out on the other side saying, “Phew, I’m so glad that’s over with.”
xo
Hang in there loves. You’re pregnant and it’s so hard in the beginning. You worked so, so hard for this and that means it will be scarey, high beta, low beta, whatever. Be gentle on yourself and treat yourself kindly. You are amazingly loved.
i’m so sorry you’re feeling this way right now. And with all that’s in me i hope that tomorrow will prove you wrong. This so has to be it.
Hugs hugs hugs, Cali
There is so much that sucks about this whole process and nothing can really make it better until you’re holding that precious baby(ies) in your arms. Hang in there…there’s a lot of us rooting for you, praying for you, hoping for you that tomorrow’s beta has doubled or tripled and that you’re carrying 1 or 2 very healthy little iotas. And that the glow does come along so you can bask in it. You so so so deserve this!
you may need to tell me to go shove this somewhere, and i’m okay with that. but my assvice is to imagine your life right now without betas. all you would know is that lovely, glorious and beautiful “pregnant” digi stick.
i know this is so much more complicated than that, and that it is effing impossible to “turn off” the worry, concern and knowledge of What Anything Could Indicate. so i am not trying to be condescending and say “simply forget about beta numbers!”–because obviously you can’t. but i hope visualizing the positive tests can help you some.
and i really am so sorry that this weekend has been fraught with despair instead of an exciting and constant (good) adreneline rush. crossed x3 that tomorrow’s results lead to that euphoria.
I love the brutal honesty in this post. I think you capture so well the agonizing limbo that leaves so many of us unable to embrace the positive hope that those two lines can bring. Unfortunately I have no real words to comfort you in this state, just support while you stick it out. Just know we’re all thinking those positive thoughts for you, and when you’re ready to join in, we’ll be here… in the meantime, at least try to breathe… ~luna
this is trite, but still … you are pregnant. That is huge. As you said, thinking good thoughts may not change the outcome — but that acceptance that you aren’t in control is excellent training for parenthood, so at least you’re getting practice. Buena suerte, and even though it may not change anything, I can’t help myself from thinking good thoughts on your behalf.
Look, this could go either way. It is sucking suckitude. And I would want to hit those of us piping up with this crap, but I will go ahead because the first thing I thought when you described your current state was - that sounds like my first 17 weeks of pregnancy! The pee stick isn’t magic, no matter how long you’ve been trying, I think. BUT I am sorry that it hasn’t been more fun. It is for some people. We hate them. I keep thinking - Cali’s story WOULD have to be full of continuing drama. But I wish it wasn’t. Love you.
Well, I’d been wondering who the unlucky one in our group would be too, but figured it would be us. I hope we all beat the odds and have many beautiful babies between us in September. I spent the first few weeks that Jen was pregnant with Natalie just waiting for blood. Sadly, once you’ve faced any kind of difficulty in the process, I think early pregnancy is just like that. Which sucks. Hugely. We’ll be agonizing along with you tomorrow, and hoping that you get the amazing kickass beta you deserve. Big, big hugs.
I’m thinking of you and praying for high numbers tomorrow. Best wishes, Cali!
Oh Cali. I am so sorry for all this ongoing suckitude.
It feels pollyannaish and insane to even dare write this, but maybe maybe MAYBE M.A.Y.B.E. we will all get lucky. I’m hoping! And terrified that there’s no chance, at the very same time.
I am sending you positive vibes. Just a word of advice - maybe over “googling” and statistic figuring is not the best idea right now. Just take it easy and allow yourself to appreciate your body for what it has given you so far. I am always one of those annoying “glass half full” kind of people - sorry.
Oh, Cali, Cali, Cali. I was afraid the universe would keep torturing you but I am still hoping and praying (in an agnostic fashion but with love) for you and the Iota(s). After all she/he/they asked Santa for the best Mom ever….
half assed validations SUCK ASS. {{{smooches}}}
thinking of you and sending good vibes.
what else can I add to the wonderful words above.
oh yeah
SMELLY HAIRY MONKEY BALLS!
Sending you hugs and lots of hugs.
let other people hold the hope for you, and you do whatever you can to make yourself feel as good as possible, even if that best is a couch puddle atm!
Well, I agree with Bri, except instead of “only” lasting 17 weeks, the feeling you have now stuck with me my entire pregnancy. It is so awful and exhausting. I am sorry you are there right now. FX for Monday.
I know the wait is excrutiating. Please know that I am thinking of you.
I am thinking of you Cali and I sure hope tomorrow brings some reassurance.
Been reading your blog for a while and I had my transfer and retrieval same days as you. I haven’t had my beta yet; will go for #1 tomorrow. I thought it would be over by then, but now I see it goes on and on. I’m sorry you are feeling down, but I am so so happy you got a positive pee stick and beta. I have a GREAT feeling for you. Good luck.
Hoping for a great doubling time tomorrow.
For the record, my 15DPO beta was a 2-digit number. By 18DPO, it had more than doubled twice.
xoxo
I am so sorry you’re feeling this way. It’s totally understandable, though. I myself am still hopeful that you number is/will be just fine. And as far as leading causes of miscarriages, many of us had those risk factors and still went on to have babies. I know, I know. Not reassuring until you actually are holding a baby!
Maybe it’s just my i/f history speaking, but I honestly don’t understand how anyone can be foot-loose and fancy-free in early pregnancy. To me, the first trimester is a crap shoot. That’s a very rough way to put it, but we all know from reading our sisters’ VP blogs that so much can go wrong in the first tri. Knowing that makes it pretty much impossible to enjoy it.
I am still thinking of you and praying that this is IT. Lots of love, Cali.
I can so relate to you right now - it is funny odd what years of ttc can do.
I am thinking of you.
Ugh. I know I would be right where you are were I in this position. I know that there is little to say that can make you feel more optimistic right now, so I’m sending you all kinds of hugs and love and hope. And I’m looking forward to signing on to see your numbers growing.
Hang in there, lady. You are still walking down the path and in the right direction. It is all you can ask for.
It is fucking scary to be pg after infertility. Scary as hell. Even when things seem textbook perfect. So, yeah, it sucks and I will be checking for your beta even if I am at the birth center in active labor I’ll be making E call someone who can look at the internet.
((HUGS))
Hey you.. I am thinking and praying and hoping for you today….
I’ve got everything crossed for a big number!
us too!! xxxx
I am full to the brim with good thoughts for your # today. I really hope that it’s a great one & you are able to relax after hearing it!
thinking of you and hoping for the best with growing iotas. good luck today and with keeping the anxiety and badness at bay as this progresses.
There is so much love in here for you, and all I can do is add to it. Know that I love you and am anxiously awaiting your latest numbers (even though I don’t know what they are or mean), and praying that you hear what you need to hear so that you can embrace yourself and take a lovely cleansing bath and begin to feel an inkling of glow. You are in my every waking thought. So very much love to you!! {{{squeezes you}}}
I agree with the wonderful advice already given by far wiser women than me. I just want you to know that I’m (we all are) here loving and waiting and hoping with you. I hope this last day of 07 can bring peace and some relief to such an exhausting year. You are beyond incredible. oxoxox
I remain stubbornly optimistic!
Cali, just catching up babe, but I am very optimistic for you. Thinking about you tons today.
Thoughts and prayers and fingers crossed here.
Thinking of you today…and hoping and praying for good news.
i raced home from errands, I’m on pins and needles! wishing you wonderful numbers pronto!!
Thinking about you and loving you.
Thinking of you, sweetie.