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The Groups
In the moment. (now with beta)
I am one of those crazy, foolish people that ask for and look for signs in every day life. If the sun hits the prism on the ceiling fan just so then it will be a good day. If the dog barks to be let back in before 8am it will be a shit day. If GM is pleasant when she rises it will be a wonderful day. If the laundry in the dryer is still damp it will be the worst day.
I apply this whimsical illogical logic to the important stuff as well. You can be assured that every step of the way on this IVF journey I looked for and declared signs. When shit things happened, like having a touch of OHSS and almost having transfer canceled, I embraced the news as it made sense. You see just that morning I woke up with a sore back and a sore back SO means bad day.
When I first began to wonder if maybe something had happened I wanted an enormous sign. I needed something beyond a pee stick and beyond my evening of gagging over the onions on my Mother’s dinner. I wanted a fucking stork. I wanted the cliche.
At first, when I put it out in the universe that I would need a stork to verify the impossible, I knew that I was making the declaration as a cushion. Just as it was insane to think that I could be, “you know”, I knew no big, white bird would swoop down either.
But soon I found myself trying to change my original sign request. Those of you that know me know that I detest change. I like a plan and I like to know the outcome of something before I start it. No surprises for me, please. The very idea that something might have worked scared the shit out of me because it would swiftly thrust me into a world of complete unknowns. Botched IUI’s and short luteal phases are what I know to my core. I can do a failed cycle like a champ. But that other thing? What the hell would I do about that??
And yet I couldn’t stop whispering to the universe drivel such as, “a stork please…or maybe a white duck?”
This morning I woke up early, showered and took another test. The total is now 6. And yet each time I look at it it is easier to imagine that knocked up women have broken into my home and tampered with my hpt boxes rather than believe that my pee from my body made that mark in the window. No way is my pee capable of such things. No way.
I woke Mother up and begged her to come with me to the blood lab. I know, such a brat move, but I knew that I couldn’t sit in a waiting room full of people and keep my shit together without my Mother: the sane-maker. I mean what if there were KIDS in the lobby. Of fucking babies. Oh cripes would that paralyze me.
Luckily the lobby was full of geezers and cops and dirty vintage magazines (not to be confused with vintage dirty magazines- now that would have been some fun lobby) and eventually they called my name.
As life has a way of pushing you in a circle I was amused to discover that the woman that would be drawing my blood for my beta was the same woman that drew it for all of my hep C tests. “Hello again!”, she chirped. “Looks like you are going to have some fun tests today. How exciting for you!” I looked over at Mother who was sitting in my eye line and we smiled at each other. I had sort of forgotten- this was exciting. I was told that the blood would be sent to a local lab for testing and that they would have results to my doctor before 3pm.
gulp
On the way home Mother & I sang along to The Beatles and day dreamed about the possibility. As we passed one of the many finger lakes in my neighborhood something caught my eye. At first it looked like a white bucket, but something told me that it wasn’t. I backed up and pulled over and the bucket looked up.
It was a stork.
for reals
EDITED TO ADD: NEC has called. Beta is 36. I am to repeat on Monday and hope for the best. The local lab didn’t send the estradiol and progesterone results with the beta so I should be getting another call to fill me in on that. I was hoping for some insanely high & comforting number, but am reminding myself that today’s number doesn’t mean jack- it is ALL about Monday.
EDITED AGAIN TO ADD: NEC called with Estradial & progesterone. E2 was 85- a bit low for the clinic’s taste (they like it to be at least 100) and progesterone was 42.4. I am to continue the 1.5 cc’s of PIO and will begin taking 2mg of estrace twice a day.
Fuck. This is freaking me out.
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96 Responses to “In the moment. (now with beta)”
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beautiful. perfect.
i’m so happy for you!
there’s a lot of humidity in the air this last 24 hours or so…*snif*… i am speechless and so excited and the stork sighting this morning. i am here in the happiest of tears for you.
much love,
xoxo
a real live stork…right there for you to see? unbelievable! and 6 BFP’s? girl, you are so totally 100% knocked up! gigantic sticky vibes being put out into the universe to you!
OMG, I have goosebumps… no. check that. storkbumps.
sooooooo excited and happy for you.
xo
Good lord, that last bit? About seeing the stork? Gave me chills. In a good, freaky kind of way. Hot damn, I am just so over the moon for you that words are simply failing me. xoxoxoxoxoxoo!!
I believe in signs, too.
And I love this one. LOVE.
so exciting.
hooray for you.
a freaking stork?! are you kidding me?! that is unreal. and perfect. i so believe for you. congratulations. i can’t wait until 3:00!!!
i’ve just ruined the mascara i put on only 20 minutes ago. i am so incredibly happy for you. talk about a sign. there is no question about it. congratulations!
Damn! I’m having to go to bed soon and I won’t find out the results until my morning. I’m soooooo sure you’re up the duff, Cali. I will sleep soundly dreaming of you and your kidling(s).
A stork and 6 positive tests… how much higher of a bar can be set for positive signs? The universe is delivering. At some point, Girl, you may just very well have to accept this… good things do indeed happen, and they can happen to you! And don’t worry about the unknown. Look at the knowledge base you have here — I’m sure that any odd symptom or twinge you feel along the way at least one of us has experienced before! We’re behind you all the way! xoxo
NOW I’m crying. For reals. We love you, cali.
Nice. That is awesome. I am so fricking happy for you I can hardly STAND it.
:):):):)
I believe in signs, too, and you Win. I think the “universes” are trying for a little apology for all the crap you’ve been thrown lately. Try asking for another specific sign, eh? See if they’re sorry enough to throw you whatever you ask for!
Congrats on the pee sticks. We at Chez FosterMoms will be thinking of your little iotas and hoping they stay safely where they are and continue to grow happily.
What a great sign!
I used to have crazy thoughts during the first tri of my pregnancy, feeling like I was a character in a Lifetime movie faking my pregnancy. I imagined that I had somehow smuggled a pg woman’s blood in and passed it off as mine for all 4 of my betas. It couldn’t be HcG doubling in *my* blood. When we saw our first u/s of Embryo-O, I felt like I must have smuggled in a video of someone else’s u/s and *that’s* what we were watching. It just couldn’t be *my* uterus we were looking at. But it was. So, I get the disbelief.
xoxo — will be refreshing like mad this afternoon.
Ok, I’m sitting here at work, just BEAMING. I think my coworkers are wondering what’s up. But damn, woman, that’s one fantastic positive sign right there. Actually, I was walking from my car to work this morning, thinking “It’s snowing in Iowa on the day that Cali will find out for certain.” Thought you’d like that.
BTW, I showed T all the pics last night, and she started screaming and jumping up and down with excitement. So there’s love coming from the northern plains, girlie.
Unreal. Just unreal.
Congrats, Cali. I’m so proud of you.
That is a very good sign Cali! Love it! Can’t wait to hear the news…
SIX?!?!?!?!? And a STORK! Oh hon, I can’t wait until this afternoon! xoxo
WHOO HOO!!!
I am SO BLEEPING EXCITED for you! Can’t wait to hear the number …
you are a goddess - we are all hear supporting you!
I am beside myself. The joy and love I feel for you right now is so overwhelming. I too believe that the Universe is sending you an apology for out right fucking with you for 3 years. You so deserve this, and it could not be happening to a better person. Artsy fartsy commune here we come!!! Love YOU!!!
that stork sighting gave me the chills. for reals. listen, i know EXACTLY what you mean. i can’t even utter my “condition.” i just say i am the “P-word.” who do i think i am joining THAT club?!? crazy. oh i’m so excited for you. i know i said there would be radio silence but i’ll try to get on later to check in once more. no way can i wait until sunday… ack!
Ok, um, the stork thing? At the end? Made me CRY. At work.
I am going to write this one time and one more time only: STOP MAKING ME CRY! Sheesh. Can’t a girl read her blogroll in peace?
So when do we hear the beta, chicadee?
OMFG that’s so funny! Even Mr Oro is excited for you.
Co told me about the post this morning and I squealed at the stork part. All three of us will be refreshing like lunatics. Well. Maybe Jo will just be nursing like a lunatic. (You’ll see…..:-)
Can you believe that I just cancelled a rehearsal just so I wouldn’t miss the results ??
And a stork AND positive PTs ? Although, I’m pretty sure you did more than 3, lady…
Awesome!!!!
I’m dying for the update….!!!
AWESOME!! I can’t wait to hear the updates!!!!
Come on come on come on… let that stork (oh yeah and the 6+ hpts) be the signs you need.
You do know that the IVP’s IVF might very well turn into the IVP’s successful pregnancy, no?
Come on come on come on!
This is such awesome news. I am so, so excited for you and wish you the very best with weeks ahead! Yahooooooooo! -laG
I’m glad the stork found you. Congratulations.
Long time reader, first time commenter. CONGRATULATIONS! I hope you have a smooth and healthy pregnancy!
I will text you at 3pm, and I expect a text back. I will be at the pharm, picking up Malka’s meds, and I MUST MUST know the insanely, wonderfuly high number of your beta!
That is freaking crazy…signs…gotta love em!
OMG.. chills!!! I am stalking you until the beta!! MUAH!
Is it wrong that all I want to do is sit in front of the computer and hit refresh? I am strongly resisting the urge to drive south at warp speed, so I can hear those beta numbers right away!
Also, I think I would so much sooner sit in a lobby with vintage dirty magazines.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! YEAH *happy Dance*
mazel tov, my dear, mazel tov
Oh wow!!! A stork. That’s cool and just gives me shivers. The 6 positive pregnancy tests are a pretty good thing too and I’m hoping you have a good strong beta to go with.
Chills. I have chills up and down my arms. This is the best post in the entire world. I am so excited for you, Cali!
I’m so so so excited. It is 2. When the heck do we get the results?????!!!!!! I can barely take the suspense!
The stork sighting - that is too cool! I can’t wait to hear the beta results.
Can’t wait to hear the news! Am so hapy for the miracle of the stork.
Jeez. When will I learn that the Kleenex MUST be NEXT TO THE COMPUTER??
I love you and your stork and your pregnancy tests and your little wee iotas.
Oh my friend… I tread the comment box lightly, terrified to be too hopeful… terrified to offer up congratulations until I see the blues of the baby’s eyes… but I believe in signs. I really believe in signs. Wow.
Sorry the beta isn’t higher, but it is still a good, respectable number, and 13DPO is early. I’m hoping for a great doubling on the next measurement!
According to the http://www.betabase.info, a number as low as 4 can still result in a successful (singleton) pregnancy. Eagerly waiting for Monday along with you.
Argh…so frustrating not to get a complete answer. i will be going crazy with you for the next 3 days.
We are thinking of you, and just knowing that stork was the best of the best signs…
My beta with Lauren was 38 at 13 dpo…Monday is the important number.
The stork sounds awesome Cali! And deep breaths! You are knocked up!
36 is a fine number but I know how stressful it can be. I am so very happy for you and truly believe this is a great number and a great day. Try and breathe as best you can and know so many of us are holding you with all our love right now.
I will echo some other posters (& yourself) - focus on Monday’s number. Sending strong doubling thoughts your way.
yup monday is the important number - you did your beta a day earlier than normal… i know how stressful this is. hang in there, you have so many people rooting for you! ok radio silence for real now… i’ll check back in on sunday. i’m thinking of you!!
Mondays is what matters and you know that already. Prayers and good doubling vibes sent your way my friend.
That’s a higher number than Sam had and you know the results of that!!! Try, try, try, not to worry too much. Celebrate the fact that you ARE pregnant right NOW.
Hang in there. Sending positive thoughts for Monday.
Sending out some doubling vibes! The universe sent you the stork you asked for and that can only be a good sign.
Take it as easy as you can this weekend. This was pretty much the range of my first beta too. Turns out, it was high enough.
Wish you had gotten a big gigantic reassuring number, but 36 is a solid number. Sending lots of positive thoughts for Monday’s beta numbers.
Even if your number was 136, you would still stress. It is so stressful, this effing process. A positive pregnancy test was a hurdle. A positive beta was next. Two down. A good number on monday. Three weeks of sonograms. Release to an ob/gyn. It goes on and on. All I know is your beta is FINE. Beta levels double really really quickly in the very beginning. Not the typical two days that it takes later on. And then the beta levels will slow down. I know so many people who had a beta around yours. You are pregnant! I hope the weekend flies. Can you escape to the movies??!!
Monday will be the good number to count on and figure out for doubling times. For now, 36 is just fine for 13 dpo. Take care!
36 is fine. Not stellar, but fine. It would be around 55 or so at 14dpo, which is above what my clinic looks for. Hoping very hard it’s high enough.
Please do what you can to distract yourself and not dwell on it this weekend. Stress and worry aren’t going to help anything… call friends and talk about what’s going on with them, watch movies, read books, do a puzzle, give GM a foot massage… it’s probably extremely difficult, but do what you can. Thinking of you and crossing everything.
Many prayers and doubling wishes are coming your way for Monday’s test. Hang in there till Monday and many hugs coming your way too.
Oh, I hate the waiting! The best thing you can do is stay hopeful and positive the entire weekend. YOU ARE PREGNANT!!! 36 at 13dpo is a good number. Hang in there!!!!
36 is awesome. ANYTHING above 5 is preggers!
STICK AND GROW, little iota(s), STICK!
Keep on breathing, babe. We’re all here with you.
I am so ecstatic for you!!!! Hooray and Yay!
I’m praying that things only get better from here!!!
Huge prayers/good vibes headed your way. Stick little iota(s), stick!
I am so thrilled for you! What a wonderful sign you received from the universe!!!
i tried to email you earlier, but i’m assuming you are on computer strike right now. I just wanted to tell you that with my daughter I got a beta of 16 at 13dpo. The nurse told me it was a chemical. That was on a friday. I cried all weekend. On Monday I had to do a repeat beta to confirm a chemical and it was 127. It only got better from there. My 16 unit beta is now a feisty 5 year old. Cali, your number is still okay. breathe.
rae
oh cali, what wonderful news! I am praying for some nice strong numbers to keep on coming your way. for reals! ~luna
The stress never ends.. but for now, celebrate. Is is not everyday that the stork visit us. I have my fingers crossed for rising beta!
Let’s hear it for the stork. How awesome is that! Can’t wait until Monday!
I know we wanted big numbers but it is totally in normal range - I assume you have been here: http://www.betabase.info/showBasicChart.php?type=Single
Totally fine.
The wait until Monday is going to suck ass. I am thinking of you constantly. Seriously, every time I look at Beck, I think of how much I want you to have one.
Yay for the stork and all my happiest best child-filled thoughts for Monday.
Oh! OH! WOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!!
I am so so happy for you. I know this is a critical window so I’m holding my breath here. Will be checking in frequently!
I actually giggled happiness when I read this post! Yay for the stork showing you that he FINALLY has your address right!
[...] else (well I did go snowshoeing, which totally rocked!). But I do want to send a shout out to Cali and send her some good thoughts. My fingers are crossed for [...]
for effs sake. as my friend WTF would say…oh, it’s going to be *that* kind of pregnancy. the kind where as soon as you relax for one second there is a new piece of info that is scary or feels scary, right up until the end when you deliver a perfect baby. it is “the scary pregnancy.” jesus.h. we has some of that in the beginning of this one, not being able to find the baby at all for 5 minutes during the 1st ultrasound, a heartbeat scare, irregular sac, subchorionic hematoma. terror. i hope you take *some* solace from the encouraging comments here. and for fucking fucks sake, can none of us EVER fucking have to do any bloodtest, ultrasound or exam on a fucking Friday??!? Friday testing = weekend of stress.
does today count as 13 dpo, or does it count as 15 dpo because it is 12 days past a 3 day transfer? i have everything crossed for you. EVERYTHING.
and please please take care of yourself this weekend. don’t post at all if that feels right, or post real shit, not neatly composed posts. just reminding you that you can be yourself with us. and you can bi-atch all you want. oh and you can be needy too. or not. love you.
oh and people totally have late implanters with those numbers…i agree with everyone that monday is the important number. more love to you.
thinking of you all weekend.
so glad to hear some good news! may the little embryo (s) causing the two lines and the ‘36′ stick and grow and stick and grow.
may the weekend fly by for you.
OMG this is exciting!! We are anxiously crossing our fingers here for you. Hope the weekend passes quickly!! xxxx
I hate that I have no idea what any of these numbers or terms mean!!!! But I believe in signs… and I believe in you. I love you, amd I’m here if/when/however you need me.
ignore the numbers for now cali. they make you crazy, ok crazier… i won’t tell you to try to relax, it’s a near impossibility now, but eat when you can, sleep as much as you can and take it one moment at a time. like a dear old friend once told me in a situation that was completely unrelated to this but has held true in so many situations in life. “Go until they tell you to stop.”
xoxo
You’re probably not gonna read all the way down there. But hey, I wanted to let you know that my numbers with Alex were wacky. And you know what? He’s sitting right in front of me as I type this.
really hoping for you cali.
kxxxxxx
Wow, congrats! I’m convinced my U/S the other day was actually a videotape of somebody elses.
jesus christ almighty a real stork! that is some shite!! congratufuckinglations!
congrats! I can’t believe you actually for real saw a stork!!! I can’t wait to see what monday’s # is, so I hope you are able to have a somewhat relaxing weekend waiting. I have all the crossables crossed for you that you see a beautiful big number!
Very excited for you!