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Places to Go:
The day after.
Christmas was a sleepy little hour on our tuesday. Just as GM was beginning to look like she was going to sneak off to bed Mother and I presented her with our lovely stack of holiday cards. She touched the cards that seemed unreal, the ones with shiny gold or flecks of glitter. She traced outlines of signatures and looked on the back of the card to see if any notes were written there. Cards, in general, were sort of this unknown for her. “What’s this?”she would ask Mother and Mother would reply, “it’s a card from your cousin.” “Cousin?” GM would ask. And Mother would try to do a quick lineage lesson.
Most of the people behind the cards were a blur for her. Old neighbors, people she shared a pew with for decades, women that were co-chairs of committees…all of those people are like little lightening bugs. One moment she can sort of make them out, and then the next they are vanished.
We called the appropriate people and wished them a Merry day and then I watched Mother get GM ready for bed, trying to make notes of all of the changes that have happened in the 3 weeks I was away.
The crying is new. It comes out at in little whimpers as she shuffles along the hall. The absent-minded pessimism is also new. When Mother says, “We will see you in the morning!” GM now replies, “If I am still here.”
ouch.
Today is my first day back as primary. Mother has been so, so good about letting me ease back into the caretaking role. Some things are easier than others: laundry, cleaning..The things that are hard are hard because I have this sort of shyness around GM now. She seems so unfamiliar and different to me. I don’t know all of the new tricks that get her to eat or get her to calm down.
I am terrified that I will fuck something up today.
As for that other thing going on. I just have no idea. None. I had some very bad, “get me the tampons and bottle of wine” cramps a few days ago, but yesterday and this morning I actually am feeling my ovaries the way I did before retrieval. You know, that sort of dull throb of stimulated medication ovary sensation. I have not had any desire to puke nor do I have any other sort of “symptoms”. My beta is scheduled for friday morning - which might be a bit early as it will only be 10dp3dt (ha ha ha-sorry but that just looks weird!).
The progesterone shots are still going well. I can easily give myself the shot in my right hip, but I have to count on Mother for the left hip. I think she actually enjoys being involved. She has been really great since I got back. When I say things like, “I don’t think it worked. I think I am going to get my period.” She has learned to not retaliate with, “be positive! It so worked!” Instead she flashes me an authentic bummed out look and says, “I’m sorry.”
I’m feeling a bit sad. Not a full on sad, just a sort of sad around the edges. The holidays are an in your face reminder of the things that are missing in your life. While Mother & I do all that we can to make it nice and special for each other, it isn’t like it used to be. It never will be.
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24 Responses to “The day after.”
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Last night I had a dream that you and I were hiding out on an estate owned by the mafia. We were under lockdown bec. helicopters were hovering over us. This was bad because you were in the middle of an IVF cycle. You had a baby and you were doing IVF no. 2 because I needed your eggs. I wanted to pay you but you said all you wanted in payment was an alarm clock. Your baby was a little boy and I held him in a tiny locked room that had no electricity while you ran around the estate looking for food for him. You also came back with a doctor who said he would do the retrieval right then and there. Also in this dream were lots and lots of hills. I have no idea what it all means!
13DPO is a little early, but friday is a much better wait then next monday! That is two days from now! And cramp a couple of days ago is a very good sign. I don’t know about you but period cramps for me usually happen the day (or two) before my period is supposed to come. Not a week before.
I am thinking positive too!!
I know what you mean about the sadness around the Holidays. I feel the same way…but I have a good feeling about this cycle.
Sad and holiday seems to go with us gals TTC. I’ll think good thoughts for you.
I’m sorry that so much with GM has changed in the time that you were gone. I cannot imagine how hard that is on you and your Mother.
That’s wonderful that Mother isn’t trying to push too much optimism on you. I have all sorts of it for you, though!!!
The wait is such a mindfuck. We’ll be hoping or the best for you - YOU feel whatever makes sense.
Oh what I would give to understand the lingo!!!! But I do understand the sadness and the missing pieces and the stark realization that nothing is as it once was, and that no matter how I try I can’t change other people to help me have the holidays the way I need them to be. I hope that you had a happy birthday and know that I pray for you that 32 will be your magical year. I love you.
(hugs)
hope is the thing with feathers
that perches in the soul
and sings the song without words
and never stops at all
Hoping with you. Hugs to you and GM and Mother. and the furry ones.
I’m sorry for the sadness, and not quite knowing all the tricks with GM. I’m sure that will come back soon, though. And I hope you get the best news possible on Friday, too.
I’m so sorry that things were sad for you. I know how hard this wait is hon. I know how much it sucks then to want nothing more than to hold a baby in your arms and find the magic of Christmas again.
Many many hugs to.
Shan
I am holding out lots of hope for you Cali. I have a very good feeling.
sending you a lot of love this week…
xoxo
All of my nighttime prayers are yours. xo
i was afraid you’d hit this point… the 2ww coupled with PIO absolutely stinks. makes everything seem worse. i’m sorry you are sad and that you are worried over GM. i want this so badly for you. i’ve got everything crossed and am sending you lots of love and good vibes from across the pond xoxoxo
*hug* I’m sorry that I don’t have anything more insightful. But sending you love.
Thinking of you and sending good vibes. xoxo
cali, the 2ww sucks, doesn’t it? I’m so sorry for your sadness. for many of us that’s what the holidays seem to be about… have to say I’m totally impressed you can shoot yourself in the bum with the PIO though. even if it makes us feel like poop. hang in there. ~luna
happy birthday! what a stressful tww. are you going to test? i’m thinking of you often. love love love to you.
That last paragraph hit me right in the heart. You put into words what I’ve been feeling since last night. As soon as my mom and sisters left I felt that thing you described just swallow me. I miss my grandmother so much my fingernails hurt.
Sorry. That’s not what I sat down here to say.
I’m still sending you all the hope in the universe, and thinking of you every minute. xoxo
I’m sorry that your holidays are tinged with sadness. But kudos to your Mom for being there for you. I hope Friday brings good news for you.
C- albeit sad, your writing is extraordinary. I hope you had a wonderful birthday and I sure hope you got my little gift in time. I’m home now. Email/Call/IM me. I love you, lady.
I’m hoping every good thing for you.
i’m thinking very good thoughts for tomorrow beta.