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Places to Go:
Less than a week.
Holy fuck. In less than one week I will be in the Northeast again and starting stims. I can hardly believe it is time (again).
It really hit me this morning as I took my last (!) birth control pill - I am feeling that glimmer of optimism. I find myself not being so depressed about Christmas because this little voice in my head is whispering, “this time next year…” Man is that voice annoying sometimes.
I mean, sure, there is a time and a place for optimism, but I can’t deal with it leaking out of me all willy nilly. Just yesterday I was in a funk of a mood. You know, one of those, “It will never work? Why can’t I just accept defeat?” wallow in self pity moments- exacerbated most beautifully by an eyeball headache.
And now? Now I am doing stupid stuff like humming and picking out holiday cards for GM to sign and wondering if I have enough time to make snicker-doodles before I leave…damn do I love snicker-doodles.
My better mood can also be attributed to something pretty major that happened in our house this morning: GM let me bathe her. In a real, actual, honest to goodness bathtub! I know. HUGE.
It has been months since GM has had a real bath. This is not to say that GM has not been clean. We use wet wipes for sensitive skin every evening and she is completely sanitary. However- there is nothing quite like a bathtub clean. And this morning she let me get her into the shower chair and bathe her. I think she might even have enjoyed it. We turned it into a game using a timer: she used a soapy washcloth to clean and then I would have less than a minute to try and rinse the soap away. I made a bet with her that we could get her bathed in under 5 minutes. I won!
She is now exhausted, but oh she smells so sweet and lovely. If anything it was wonderful to really just wash last week off of her.
I need to say that when you guys leave me comments on my posts about GM it really, really helps. This is not me begging for more comments- not at all. I just know that in our little on line community we are used to commenting on things like ovulation and trigger shots. That you all are still JUST as supportive when it comes to this massive part of my life means the world to me.
I am no expert on caring for GM, I do as much as she will allow me to do. But I think we have found our groove and I now can’t imagine anyone else taking care of her but me. Sometimes I feel like this time with her is a special and precious thing. And sometimes I get incredibly frustrated, and sometimes I feel like getting in my car and just driving away, but the more I take care of her the more I feel like I have been training for this my whole life.
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25 Responses to “Less than a week.”
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Oh Cali, I am so pumped for you! I’m so happy that you got GM into the bathtub! I’m sure that she looks sparkily clean right now.
On a serious note (which I am terrible at), I wanted to let you know that I am awed at how well you care for GM. I personally KNOW how hard this can be, and you do it with a grace and ease that makes me feel kinda ashamed by how I sometimes complain about my ickle ones. You deserve a medal AND a parade in your honor, my girl. You really do.
I was just telling my dh two days ago how incredible you are. Seriously, the care you are giving your GM is something I can only hope for in my old age.
And less than one effing week???? Time is flying. I am soooo excited for you!
I love your posts about caring for your GM. Your love for her shines through every word.
you better bring me some snicker doodles…see, even my comments are all about me.
GM is the luckiest grandmom ever!
You are one amazing woman.
I know it’s been said before, but all of the wonderful, conflicting feelings you described are like the feelings of caring for a newborn — all the specialness and the frustration, and how you ARE the expert on this one person like no one else in the world. And just as it’s likely that events in your life have prepared you to care for GM, caring for GM has undoubtedly made you that much more prepared to care for your own baby — all is coming to fruition. xoxo
WOW we are really one after the other Sarah, myself and you. I am so excited your ivf is coming up so fast this time around.
I am also continuously inspired by you with your grace-filled care of GM. The bath sounded lovely.
My comment just dissappeared. Knowing my luck, I’ll post this and get a doublepost of wishing that after such a stressful time last time that THIS stim is uneventful. ANd successful
J
Wow. That is SO BIG. The bathtub bath. How wonderful! Everything coming up roses for you, I just know it. And I know you’re sitting at the edge of your computer screen waiting for December’s horoscope, right? Cause I am. It’s going to be a good month, I just know it.
Less than a week?! That is so exciting! This time simply has to go better, and that optimism is going to help you glide through the experience (because this time, it’s going to be exciting, not heartbreaking, not horrifying, just plain exciting).
It sounds like you’re making some great headway with GM too. Perhaps the reset she went through is going to help you all that much more.
I think that you are right when you say that taking care of GM is a precious thing. Man I can’t imagine how difficult it must be sometimes, but Oh the memories that you are creating are just priceless in my opinion. And I’m sure that you are doing a fine job at it.
Can’t wait for the thrill of the IVF again!
cali,
it was your GM posts that brought me to your former blog. i used to work with alzheimer’s patients (at different times i have been a nursing asst on a late-stage dementia unit, a medication assistant on early-, mid- and late-stage dementia units, as well as a activity programmer on a mid-to-late stage unit) i truly came to love my little old ladies (it was a unit of ALL FEMALES ~ 30 of them) and they taught me so much about life and love and simple things.
i absolutely LOVE reading of your caring for GM and even tho there are struggles, i love hearing and seeing how your love and your heart faces everything head on and so beautifully valiantly. there should be more people in this world who are able to do what you are doing for GM. you are truly an inspiration.
much love to you and especially the bath-clean GM!
gypsygrrl
Hey, girl. Your grandma is lucky to have you around. And yay for real baths.
Ummmm…. snicker-doodles? I can almost smell them.
Let the excitement begin! Will be here cheering you on. BTW, what is a snicker-doodle?
What a whirlwind few months you have had on all fronts. Hooray about the bath and your upcoming trip tot he clinic. They better be VERY VERY nice to you.
ok since you are begging for a comment… i can only imagine how lovely GM letting you bathe her can be. you know how i feel about you and GM… you are an amazing granddaughter and you are both lucky to have eachother. wow this cycle of yours crept up huh? we are cycle buds sorta. (yikes).
Sounds like that reset paid off in the end.
You are amazing with GM. You rock.
I wrote something so sickly-sweet that I had to erase it. Just know this: I think you rock, you’re great with your grandmother, and you will make a fantastic mother.
So there.
I’m totally crying now. I only WISH I could have had the strength and courage to be there MORE for my beloved grandmother, Malka. If ONLY I had been there for her the way you are there for your grandmother, maybe she’d still be here.
You already ARE a fantastic mom, and will be an even more “amazinger” mommy.
mmmmm… I love snicker doodles, too. I love Grandmas more, tho… : 0 ) And then… I love you most…
You really and truly are an amazing woman Cali.
You are a wonderful grandaughter and you will be a wonderful mother. Seriously. And I NEED to know - what are snicker-doodles???? xxxx
Yes, I really, really need to know what snicker-doodles aer too - please do tell. Yay for a freshly bathed GM - I’m so glad you guys are in a good place right now.
You and the little wifey are IVF cycle buddies. I hope that you are both holding your babies come next Christmas. GM sounds like an awesome lady. She would have never gotten the loving care that she is receiving from you anywhere else. Maybe you have been training for this your entire life?