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The Groups
Happiness is a thursday afternoon.
I totally love the idea of deciding to be happy. However in every day life happiness isn’t always something that happens, it isn’t always thrust upon you, most of the time it is a choice. Just be it.
I gladly accepted the happiness challenge to create my own happiness for a month. I knew exactly what would make me happy: 1 hour out of the house, away from responsibilities, just me and a book and a coffee shop full of strangers. Here is my one month diary of Happiness:
August 30: I know technically this is a September challenge, but I didn’t want to wait all the way to September 6th to get the ball rolling. Ms. D, my wonderful and amazing respite care, arrived at 2:20pm and I kissed GM goodbye and hightailed it to the new coffee shop down the street. Last week was the first week the place was open and it was a bit rough. I had to talk the guy through making a decaf cappuccino. Seriously- press the button that says decaf. Today the same barrista greeted me and he went to town showing off how fantastically his skill set had increased. I found a booth meant for two and slid in with my hot beverage and library book. Being a people lover I couldn’t settle in with my book until I had had enough people watching. I needed to soak in their energy, their stories, their lunch (what the heck was on that guy’s plate?!) Level of Happiness: 7
September 6: What a crazy day for a cup of coffee. It was so crazy that I never even made it to the cafe. Just before I finished my set of errands (the prelude to my coffee hour reward) I received a call from the Northeast clinic telling me that I had been matched with someone. I was going to be an egg donor! From the parking lot of the library I called my Mother, my best friends and had a good “I’m so happy I just might explode” cry. I ended up having to cancel my coffee date with myself in order to get home and get grounded. Level of Happiness: 10+, although none of those points can be attributed to coffee.
September 13: Today I made sure that the very first thing I did during my respite was to get my ass to the cafe. By now I think I might be a regular. You have no idea how pleasing it is to walk up to a counter and have some young lad inquire, “nonfat decaf cap, right?” Right. I have become one of those normal people in the world that get recognized. I am no longer an anonymous granddaughter without a witness. If a crime were committed at the cafe the guy behind the counter could tell the police that there was also a tall girl with a thick book that they could question. I was seen, noticed, counted. It made me feel so connected to the world.
I gave myself 1 hour of sipping and reading. Today was harder than ever to find a place where I could have some silence. In one corner a young group of students sat loudly drinking their crazy colored soda. In another corner a group of mothers sat with their young children. I found a corner near the front, hidden away. It was odd how I needed to be seen but then I wanted to be tucked away. It may have more to do with the events of this morning and all of the people pleasing I felt I needed to do at the clinic. People pleasing is exhausting. Level of Happiness: 5
September 22: This week was a bit crazy. My regular respite was not able to come on thursday as she was off becoming a Grandmother. I wanted to try and take my GM out for coffee and see if having some cafe time would make her happy as well but it rained almost every minute of every day of this week and traveling with someone in the wheelchair in the rain sucks ass. But Saturday the dark clouds parted and there was a bright blue sky day. I told GM that we were going to have a date and she got so excited. She even wanted to wear something special. I must admit it made me feel a bit guilty that I hadn’t done a coffee date with her before as she really got into the idea of it.
But once we were heading to the cafe I was quickly reminded that this exercise is for ME. It was exhausting to keep her amused and focused at the cafe. Halfway through our giant mugs a small group of tiny ballerinas plopped down at a table next to us. GM was in heaven smiling at the little girls. One girl came over and asked what her wheelchair was and GM replied that it was her “old person car”. I have never heard her call it that!
People went out of their way to smile at us and help us and at first I was touched. But then I was yet again reminded why I needed to have time to myself. I need to be a person that is NOT a caregiver some days. I want to blend in and just be an anonymous girl reading a book in a corner. Not some woman struggling to get her wheelchair saddled GM through a double door. Happiness Level: sliding scale between 4-6
Photo Friday: The Finger
It might be a little obvious that I am losing my mind. In the middle of getting the house ready for some company this weekend I paused to do a photo shoot with my left index finger in drag.
Fridays are tough in general as there is lots to be done around the house and there is the escorting GM to get her weekly hair wash & set. But today I also had to make up all of the guest beds and do some pre-cooking for some big family meals that will be had in a few days. The house now reeks of Clorox (bliss) and I wish that I could saran wrap everything to keep it pristine before our company arrives late this evening.
Oh & did I tell you that I have to arrange for my sperm to get from one clinic to another? & did I tell you that in order to do that it will cost me around $350 (I checked. It is cheaper to ship than to just buy another vial. My donor is pricey.) And did I tell you that the lupron arrived the other day and that I almost barfed from excitement? And did I tell you that I bought my fucking TICKET? I love forward movement.
Now go tart up your finger & take a photo. It will make you feel very accomplished. My finger now looks a little tragic as her makeup has smeared all over my keyboard (oops).
I hear you Universe.
There is a brand new stork in my yard. He landed yesterday afternoon and spent the better part of the day fishing in the lake. I compared him to the stork that we had a few months ago and this one is certainly different- He is smaller, younger looking.
And as soon as I realized that I got incredibly mushy. I have a new stork. Now.
Because I certainly don’t ask the universe for signs all fucking day long. Nope. Not me. And I certainly don’t try out fun fertility rituals that friends e-mail me. Nope. Pay no attention to the plush doll buried next to the willow tree. Because, I mean if you were asking the universe for a sign that things will all work out you wouldn’t think that a fucking stork would land in your backyard.
I guess we are now safely and firmly located in the “I have mad hope!!” phase of things.
And a special bloggy hug to all of you fantastic lurkers waving hello. You are totally welcome here. All of your comments have been so kind and I thank you.
Hello Lurkers
Well I must admit I am kind of surprised how many lurkers there are here. Hello! I am flattered that you all are reading & keeping up with me, but I just have to ask: why lurk? We’re all friends here. 
I know that I have real life friends that opt not to always comment, but instead choose to e-mail me more direct questions.
But I am curious about why some of the rest of you are kind of hiding out.
I am probably what you call a “count on me” commenter. Back when I first started writing I was desperate for a connection with people. I would leave comments and then five minutes later go back just to see if anyone had responded to my comment. When I started getting regular comments I felt like I had found the community that I needed. I felt embraced and accepted. Even now I try to leave a comment for every post I read. I figure if you are going to put it out there the least I can do is let you know that you have been heard.
There are a few blogs that I read now that I can’t comment on and not for lack of wanting. Those are mostly blogspot blogs that have anonymous comments disabled - or whatever it is that forces you to have a blogger i.d. in order to comment. There are also blogs that don’t have RSS feeds or password protected posts that prevent me from seeing an update.
There are also blogs of people that I read and comment on but they don’t seem to read or comment here. And most days that is ok. (and some days it makes me insecure) Not everyone is a needy comment gal like moi.
For those of you that just unlurked I wish you would do that more often. There is a whole world of us gals that would love to know just who is in our corner.
Trick or Treatment
I got a call from the NEC and they have my schedule. Shazam! I didn’t have to wait a week! I didn’t have to call back! Yay!
For those of you playing along at home I will begin Lupron some time next week (the pharmacy just called to verify my shipping address. How exciting is that?) and then later in October I will begin my stims. I have decided to travel to NEC the day I start my stims as the monitoring is insanely less expensive. I also need to have some blood work done there and it is literally hundreds of dollars cheaper to get it done at the clinic.
This means that I will be in the Northeast for around 2 weeks. I can’t think of a more perfect time to be in that part of the country. I am already daydreaming of tights and boots.
Mother has informed me that she will be taking 2 weeks off of work to be home with GM. I am in awe over this. I was really stressed about getting a sitter and arranging good care for GM but I was kindly informed that it was not my problem to solve. I can’t even begin to tell you how relieved that makes me. Of course I can’t say that I won’t be fretting about GM and whether or not things are going well, but I need to let go on this.
It is hard to believe that around this time last year I was planning a trip up to the Northeast to meet so many of you for the first time. Remember the us from a year ago? So much has happened since then: 1 baby born, 5 babies conceived, and all the rest of us are pretty actively trying or at least figuring out what the fuck to do next. Pretty amazing.
I guess I should also tell you guys now that once things get specific with my IVF I will be going into password stealth mode. This is not to shut anyone out, but really to protect the other parties involved with my IVF. I am pretty open about the process, but I am not alone in this journey.
Even though I don’t know anything about the woman on the other end of this cycle I feel very protective of her right to anonymity. I would hate for her to google my lab results and find all of us in mid conversation about them! Once I start protecting posts I will e-mail the password to unlock them. If you have commented in the past you will get a password. If you are a lurker you better start talking! heh.
The Pill is not my Hero
So you know how yesterday I was all bold by stating that I had not experienced any side effects from taking the pill? Not so true today. This morning I woke up with some crazy acne. Like weird cystic acne on my cheeks. Ouch. I am burning my face off right now with 15 layers of benzol peroxide treatment just hoping to make a dent. I also think I might be just a tad irrational with some pretty basic emotions.
Case in point: Mother has an out of town business meeting at the end of this week. She asked if she could take my car for the drive. My reaction? I burst into tears. And while I was crying I sobbed that I had no idea why I was crying.
I am going to blame The Pill.
Because usually I am just a sweet little cherub of emotions (heh).
So Heroes: I want to discuss, but I don’t want to spoil anything for people that have yet to watch last night’s episode. Let’s talk in the comments.
Schedule me please.
I am waiting for a call back from the NEC where hopefully we can discuss my IVF schedule. Currently I am on week two of birth control pills and so far I have not had any reaction to them. But I am anxious to know what happens next. I like a plan. Plans are pretty and fun and grounding and security blankets. Plans are yummy & I want one!
Please ring phone. R I N G!
Speaking of schedules I am also trying to figure out my fall television schedule. We have a cable box that can record two programs simultaneously, and it also allows us to watch some shows (only on CBS) on demand. I also have a 1st generation tivo that can record things in my room in a pinch. But there are nights where things will get messy. And there are shows that I am not sure I will really want to watch.
Here is my schedule so far:
Sunday: Extreme Makeover, Cold Case, Side Order of Life
Monday: Chuck, Dancing with the Stars (maybe), Heroes, The Bachelor (maybe) Journeyman
Tuesday: Bones, Biggest Loser, NCIS (on demand), Reaper, House, Law & Order SVU
Wednesday: Pushing Daisies, America’s Next Top Model, Private Practice (maybe), Bionic Woman, Gossip Girl (tivo at other time), Hotel Babylon (tivo at other time), Dirty Sexy Money, CSI: NY (on demand), Project Runway (tivo at other time)
Thursday: Ugly Betty, Survivor, Grey’s Anatomy, CSI (on demand), Without a Trace, ER, Law & Order: CI (tivo at later time)
Friday: Women’s Murder Club (maybe), Moonlight (maybe), Flash Gordon (maybe), Men in Trees
Are any of you guys watching these shows? are there any shows that you think I am missing.
I just realized that some of you might not even be tv watchers at all and that my obvious love of tv might shock you. I will be honest here: The tv is on almost all day in my house.
GM & I do our puzzles watching CNN. We eat our lunch watching Murder She Wrote. And I am able to watch a good number of these prime time shows with GM- we just watch them the next day and without commercials. She is able to get pretty engaged in some shows: All Law & Orders (unless there is a ton of violence or sexual content), NCIS, even America’s Next Top Model was interesting to her last season.
Ok seriously…ring phone!
ADDED:
Well they called back but it wasn’t much help. They don’t have any schedule for me yet and they want me to call them in a week. bugger!
NaNo angst.
Did you get the e-mail? Are you going to do it this year?
Talk to me…who is seriously considering it?
Photo Friday: Cute as a button
I know, it’s a total cop out to post a photo of one’s unbelievably adorable cat, but I couldn’t help it.
The release.
This morning I fed ex’d an envelope to the NEC that contained all of the signed and notarized documents and a check that will cover all of the things that the recipient won’t (embryo storage, assisted hatching and ICSI). The receipt for the envelope sent is sitting on my desk and I have been gazing at the tracking number for a moment. That little series of letters and numbers is all that I am about right now.
I have said it before, but I think it is truly resonating with me right now: It’s going to happen. All of the fuss and anxiety of this week has been blasted through. All of the stress and doubt and fear is feeling more and more like dust. Like something that I can easily sweep up and discard.
In my head I keep thinking about the last lines of the original (& in my opinion, better) Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
“But, Charlie, don’t forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he always wanted.”
“What happened?”
“He lived happily ever after.”
And while it is entirely too soon to start thinking that I have gotten everything I wanted, I do believe that the NEC is making something very huge a possibility. I do believe that this is the beginning of the last chapter that will hopefully end with a happy ending.
Here I sit looking at this tracking number and I am so calm and steady. Love is all around, no need to waste it. I’m gonna make it after all.
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