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The Groups
The possibly unpretty post about lapping.
So I have grappled about how to talk about this topic for a while. It is extremely important that I use this space as a place to process all of the emotions that surface in day to day life, but sometimes those emotions aren’t pretty. They aren’t bad, but they might touch on a nerve for other people.
Before I dive in, I need it to be said that I am writing this to get the feelings out there, to purge them in order to understand them and hopefully release them.
There is a specific feeling that I can not pin down when it comes to getting lapped. And by lapped I mean friends that I started the ttc journey with that are now trying to conceive their 2nd child. I am excited for my friends, but there is a hurt there.
Let me be straight- I have every hope in the world that people that want to conceive a child are able to do so in an easy and speedy fashion. It’s just that by realizing that others are going in for seconds I am even more aware of how hungry I am for firsts. I am realizing how effing L O N G I have been trying.
I feel so utterly left behind and lost in a world of self doubt. I feel like less of a woman. I feel like a small kid in a big kid’s playground.
And I know that those of you trying for your second child have all of the anxiety and fear and worries that I have, but, you see, I have been in a sustained state of those emotions. There has been no sweet victory.
I already have these ridiculous feelings of being left out of the baby boom club, and now I worry that there will be another club of 2nd baby boom.
And I hate trying to get all of this out in the open. I am painfully aware of how I am dancing around this subject here as I don’t want there to be any upsetedness. I think maybe all I am looking for is, I don’t know, acknowledgment? Validation? A ribbon? Promises that we will all get knocked up together this time? Assurances that we can be honest about our feelings? Pinkie swears that no one will flaunt their easy conceptions.
I may be opening a can of worms- but really, let’s talk about lapping. Is there a better word for it that can have a less painful connotation? (as in the person doing the lapping is somehow winning) Am I the only one sitting with these unpretty feelings?
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23 Responses to “The possibly unpretty post about lapping.”
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I am totally with you on this - it is rough. And my timeline keeps extending itself in completely hideous ways. I am fearful that not only will my blogworld lap me but they will leave blogworld altogether.
I don’t have a good response, but I wanted you to know that I read and acknowledged your post. It seemed like it would be shitty not to respond when we are teetering on the brink of trying for a second.
In my blog and at FF, I thought about not sharing and proceeding forward in silence because I knew how others would feel who were still trying for #1. I decided against being mum, though. I mean this is a Very Big Deal and not something that I want to keep a secret. I will continue to try to tread lightly, though.
Nope, your not.
I probably won’t feel much good about reading journeies to baby #2. And honestly, I may just ignore them.
i am still so on the fringes of this whole ttc thing. like i am peeking in on the IVP clubhouse, and perhaps even eavesdropping… it will be at least two years until i am even able to begin ttc - and in my own selfish ways, i kind of worry that there wont be anyone in-the-midst when its my turn.
cali, i think you can only be honest with yourself and with everyone. and feeling sad or whatever “negative” emotions you have doesnt necessarily eclipse your sharing in the happiness of others having their babies, even their seconds.
i think in this life, we do too much damage to ourselves and others by not honouring our feelings and emotions, especially the ones that are painful, out of a feeling we were either taught to not have them in the first place, or that it isnt right to share them.
sending you lots of love and hugs…
these are hard things, and I’m glad you have a forum to talk about them. I’ve experienced it IRL with my sister, and it’s hard to not feel too selfish about the whole thing… but is it selfishness, or is it anger or - at least - some aggitation about ME, about MY BODY? I don’t know, and I’m just trying to keep some perspective, whatever that means.
Take care of yourself and keep writing!
I totally feel ya. I’ve been feeling the same way (amidst other, conflicting feelings/worries about parenting, ttc, adopting, all of it.)
Watching people that I care about (vs. crackhead moms at work) have their babies is a really conflicted thing for me, emotion-wise. Has been since about month #3 of ttc. And yeah, the feeling of getting lapped isn’t good either. I worry, myself, that it’s never going to happen for me.
All this to say, I hear ya. And I may need to blog on it myself.
As you know, I struggled to become pregnant and watched many women IRL and on FF easily become pregnant after just a few cycles. Then when it finally happened to me - and in a BIG way - I struggled again to make sure not to offend my dear friends who were still TTC. I really, really try to tread lightly when I mention my girls, and to be honest sometimes when I see other posters who have successfully had number two when my good friends are still TTC #1, I cringe. It’s a very delicate and emotional subject, and I’m personally very conflicted when I want to share news of my babies with you, C & S. Even though I now have the family I longed for, I feel much more akin to those still TTC than I do with those who are pregnant or have children already.
I think the struggles of true infertility, no matter where you are in that cycle, carry such a strong bond that we kind of form a sisterhood. Many times I actually feel guilty about my outcome when my friends are still TTC.
All I can do is offer my love and support, and hopefully serve as an example, and give you hope, that it CAN still happen to you…
XO XO XO XO
I understand, it does make me feel “crazy” (not sure if that’s the right word but I don’t know what the right word is) when I realize that I started reading someone’s blog who started blogging when they were thinking about TTC and now there are pics of their child on the blog. But I feel “crazy” about myself, and my inabilities, not about them and their happiness. What also make me feel “crazy” is estimating due dates and realizing that this is the third time I have estimated a possible June baby. Also, going into the doc for a CD3 ultrasound or CD12 ultrasound, etc. and feeling like it is f-ing deja vu all over again! This sucks!
Sweetie, you are SO hardly the only ones with this feeling. My old boss had just her SECOND “oops” baby, and the first one didn’t come until at least a year after T and i had started trying. And you know about the friend-turned-pregnancy expert that we talked about who didn’t even know if she WANTED to get pregnant when we first started.
It sucks. Big time. i think it’s good that you’re putting those feelings out there. It seems like those who do get pregnant *sometimes* immediately forget the desperation and agony that they went through right alongside of us when they finally have that ‘prize’. It hurts. And even though we know they don’t mean to, it still hurts.
I completely understand. The ones who become pregnant seem to drop out of the “agony and pain” aspect of trying. It’s like you would give anything just to have a healthy baby. It hurts and is very hard. Just keep focusing on your own journey. I understand your pain.
Say what you have to say, write what you have to write. I’ll stick with you on this journey regardless.
I’m really glad you’re so honest. And you certainly aren’t the only one feeling those things.
When I was lapped by my sister many people said “it’s not a competition”…but it still feels like one. Even when it’s people you love and you want good things for them.
I realize that I am not on this particular journey with you, except that you are continually in my mind and heart. I just wanted to tell you that I love you and I support you and although you may not feel entirely comfortable getting these feelings out, I am glad that you at least feel safe enough to do so. You have so much support out here. I do wish that you would call me sometime.
Honey, I was bitterly jealous and had the ugliest of ugly feelings toward people who conceived their *first* child much less their second while I was ttc. I think this is perfectly natural, and it’s so uncomfortable to talk about in “mixed company.” But I’m glad you did and hope you will continue to when you feel the need.
i hear ya sister. it’s at the point where i feel no joy for a pregnancy, even of a close friend, unless they have struggled in some way. and only if it’s their first. after that, i really couldn’t care less. i’m awful i know, but it’s the truth
You should continue to write these feelings out and share them, without worrying about who might feel offended. What you share is honest and real. I’ll still be reading and supporting you.
I’m past bitter, jealous and angry when it comes to being lapped, I’m at the point of numb. Which means I really try to put it out of my head. I know it sounds dumb, but I really don’t read the blogs of those TTC #2, and as for my friends and acquaintances I keep the chatter to a minimum on this subject. It’s self preservation, because still waiting for something that may never happen while you watch it happen multiple times for others sucks ass. I know exactly where you’re coming from though.
Cali, you have every right to get these feelings out. It’s hard to be lapped… still harder to be lapped twice by the same person while you’re still waiting. It just sounds to me like you’re being honest about your pain. And you should be.
I kind of feel like those of us who are now pg or have had baby #1 are strong enough to hear your pain and understand. Your pain right now *is* greater than mine and many others’. Don’t feel guilty about feeling it or expressing it. You have every right to.
Sing it sister, getting lapped sucks. I still feel cranky about folks who are starting for #2 or even 3. It just serves to remind me, over and over, how fucking long this shit takes (has taken I guess I still don’t really believe it is happening) and makes me get ahead of myself. And I still feel guilty when I don’t feel happy for people, or when I think “STFU, you already have one!” about folks struggling with #2. Its not pretty, but there it is.
We have three real life friends whose second babies are about to be or were recently born (one due the week of the penguin, one due my birthday, one due the week after TK) and all of their firsts were born after we started trying. And 2/3 of them were complete surprises (oops!). Yeah. That makes me a little crazy. To be honest with my evil-osity, I will say that I always feel better when we visit these people and see the insanity of their lives. As a person for whom 2 children is like a version of hell, watching people who lapped us cope with surprise babies while dealing with toddlers… well, it’s just evilly delicious. Evil. I know.
I would be devastated if I were lapped by a friend or relative. I can completely relate. You have to be honest. It is the only way.
Oh sweetie - I would be waaaaaay more cranky and evil than what you are being if I was you! If I could bring you to live here with us to get cheap IVF I would in a heart beat. I’m sending you virtual hugs darl xxxooo
Hey, I hear you. We started trying with a lot of those people too. Although we had no success TTC we stopped for reasons unrelated to fertility/infertility. Now it looks like years away before it will even be a possibility as our relationship has totally fallen apart after the TTC stress. (I haven’t been posting about that because too many IRL friends read my blog). In fact we very well may not make it and that is forcing me to think about how and when I would become a parent outside this relationship. Meanwhile I’m sitting here watching my internet friends consider #2 and all the IRL kids that I thought would be growing up with my kid(s) are moving on without us. I can’t listen to another joke about how my friends’ kids will be our babysitters without crying.
Now I am happy for all of them and wish them only luck and success but it’s hard not to feel the sting sometimes.