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The Groups
Everything is permissible.
I once had an amazing theatre director that gave me the note: Everything is permissible until you ask permission. It was meant to get me out of my goody two shoes head and to let my instincts soar. In a rehearsal there is no wrong way to approach a scene: try any and everything. When you start asking you set yourself up to be told no.
Months and months ago when I went in to have a consult at the local mega clinic I was so utterly bummed at their lack of financing options. I was so hopeful that they would have a program that would be the solution to all of my baby dreams. Everything went great with the RE. He was funny, charming, confident, and mustache free. (I will admit to being troubled my his 80’s inspired ’stache on the mega clinic’s website.) He was all systems go- ready to treat me that day.
Then the financing people bustled in and the RE excused himself to go knock up someone else. The financing people were curt and unyielding. This is not to say that they were not friendly, but it is to say that they are not what we would call kindred spirits. There is money to be made in the baby making business and since my pockets were empty I was given a card of a local bank and told to call when I had the cash.
As they were leaving the IVF nurse came in with schedules for me. She was under the impression that I would be starting a cycle with them that month. As the finance people were leaving and my Mother was explaining to the IVF nurse that we didn’t need a schedule at this point I blurted out to the room that I would totally donate my eggs if it would help offset the cost.
Now you must remember, this is months before I was really serious about egg donating. This was a desperate, flash in the pan, maybe the spaghetti will stick to the wall, sort of blurt. I honestly half expected confetti to drop from the ceiling and that I would be presented with a sash from the RE’s. Surely being an egg donor was the magic phrase, the turn key to unlocking the thick gate that stood between me and my kid.
The IVF nurse asked how old I was and when I said that I was 31 the ring leader of the financial gang, as her exit line, said, “31. too old.” I was then told that 30 was the cut off. Too bad, so sad. Two for flinching.
And I was ok with that exchange. Really I was. Because, dude, EGG DONOR?? Me?? Ha ha! No way was I ready to do that. I was relieved, to be honest, not to have to decide Johny on the spot about something so huge.
But then the notion of being a donor was with me. I could feel my head and my heart marinating and stewing on the idea. The more I sat with it the more it felt right, it felt perfect, it felt like maybe it was what I should have been trying to do all along. If you help me I will help you: two women exchanging whatever they could to not only pursue their own dreams but someone else’s. Yes please.
And so I went on a rampant search to find a clinic where I could be a shared donor. I needed someplace near friends or family. I needed a place that would accept a single girl. I needed someone that would accept me. I was thrilled when I found the northeast clinic. It seemed perfect.
So this is where I tell you that waiting sucks ass. This is where we all say, give it more time, you will be matched eventually, patience grasshopper.
Well fuck patience.
Last night in one of my monthly venting sessions with Mother about (the lack of my) health-care I blurted out something to the effect of, “Why can’t I just be in a shared donor program at the local mega clinic?” To which Mother brilliantly replied, “well why can’t you?”
Thus began this epic long brainstorming session. I would call my old RE’s at my old clinic and have them call the mega clinic. Or I could have the Northeast clinic call the mega clinic. Or I could have my favorite nurses call the mega clinic. Or I could have all of the Internets write letters of recommendation. I needed an IN at the mega clinic.
Ah, but remember, this is my life. I am the driver. I am the wearer of red lipstick. Why turn down a moment to be proactive? I needed to make up for all of my cancel a scary meeting phobias and just bulldoze in. And that is when I remembered that everything is permissible.
I have just scheduled a “reconsult” with the RE at the local mega clinic. I was going to just put in a call & save myself the $100 bucks, but what I want could be too easily denied on the phone.
You see when I called the mega clinic I simply asked if they had an egg donor program. Yes. Then I asked if they had a shared donor program. Yes. Then I asked if I could have a consult with the RE I had met with before about these programs. Yes. July 5th.
I am going to pretend that I never heard of their age cut off and see where that gets me. I mean who knows, they could have a waiting list of recipients and maybe, just maybe, there is someone there who could give a fuck about the extra 18 months my eggs have over other women in the program.
I need to get proactive with all of this again. I am so tired of all of the damn waiting. It’s useless. Who knows, maybe it will be just the perfect timing for a YES answer. Or maybe I’ll get a NO, but the northeast clinic will have something for me by then. I just know that I need to be DOING something every month.
Anyone want to practice role playing with me to help me rehearse what I will propose to the RE?
Comments
14 Responses to “Everything is permissible.”
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Dude, I’m going to need to buy me some stock in the company that makes that red lipstick.
Way to go!
Damn, woman! Good for you!!!
You may get a no, but you could also get an asterisk. Like “Only donors under 30 will be considered*” “*Those between ages of 30-35 will still be considered, but at a lower rate.” Dont’ know if that makes sense or not.
I don’t know which clinic you are talking to in the northeast - but here is a link to a clinic in my neck of the woods that does shared donor for women up to age 33 http://www.shadygrovefertility.com/EGGDONOR_become.cfm
I assume you do not have an exclusive agreement with big northeast clinic -
I love your persistence!!!!
I so know what you mean about the inactivity being the real killer. Hell, it can’t hurt to ask (with a capital A and hot lipstick!) And my dad always said, if you don’t ask, you don’t get!
I am so impressed. So impressed! Hooray for the reconsult and hooray for shady grove’s 33 cut off. I would definitely look into that and bring it up with the RE if you get a “no.”
Good plan, lady! Doing something is WAY fucking better than doing nothing, even if you get a no. I think you should just be your honest self. YOur reasons for wanting this are genuine and you are smart and funny and super - so be yourself. Seriuosly. And July 5th is not far away! YAY.
You rock, girl! Way to tek life by the balls!
Go, go, go! If you ask around enough (and you might hear a bunch of NOs) I just know there will be one place that will say YES! I hope this is your summer of YES.
You are leaving no stone unturned and that has to have a positive result in the end!
Tell Mega Cinic that many NE clinics have a cut off date of 32 or 34. And ask the clinic to let the women needing eggs make the choice. Let them decide what is too old for them. You have plenty of pros that will offset this “con” of advanced maternal age.
You are super awesome.
You go, girl! I’m with you on the “doing something.” That rocks.
I had a student teacher in high school chemistry who said to me, “You don’t have to be good.” Believe me, no one ever has said that to me, before or since. Good to remember.
go cali!!! i am coming from a place of INaction in my life, and took a step yesterday ~ it was good and scary at the same time, but i felt powerful ~ and i didnt even have red lipstick!
i just have a feeling you are going to find someplace who takes “over-30″ eggs and are going to be able to help another woman have that baby she so much wants and you will get to be a momma like you have wanted for so long.
and damn. think of all the IVP aunties your future baby already has!
good luck sweetie…thanks for the “permission” thoughts…i needed to hear that!
*hugs*
Hopefully the age cutoff for the shared IVF plans is higher than for straight egg donors. It would be great if you could cycle with local mega clinic. But something will work out at some point, it just effing has to! And your consult is only next week! Eeek!
i’ll totally practice with you! OMG, i hope this works out!