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Places to Go:
What are we waiting for?
June.
I have officially been told to calm the fuck down until the end of June. Don’t flinch when the phone rings now. Don’t dig through the penny savers thinking an envelope is trapped between carpet cleaning ads. Don’t accuse people of not checking voice-mail in a timely fashion.
While I was told that I was on the list the truth of the matter is that I am NOT on the list. Not yet. I will be on the next list.
And while this isn’t a set back it kind of feels like one. So of course when the coordinating nurse said, “and IF you get picked/matched you will find out in June” I felt like her IF had this funky echo that immediately translated to, “calm the fuck down you fat lame asshole. Nobody will be wanting your eggs anyhow. Don’t get your hopes up.” Yep. I heard all of that in her IF. I speak the language of angst and am fluent in insecurity.
I guess it just feels like I have been waiting forever. And I am sick of it. And even though I have this sort of deadline now and there should be some relief in that. There is none.
Instead I am full of dread and sorrow and fear. I can see the sign in the road that says, “This freeway will be ending soon.” That sign is just over a month away.
And sure we can all hope and hypothesize…but the truth of the matter is I still may not get picked. Just promise to still be here to help clean me up when I don’t get the call.
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20 Responses to “What are we waiting for?”
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Waiting to get picked reminds me of gym class and school dances - how agonizing. You will be on the new list but you need to get picked, sigh…waiting is the worst part.
If I were looking for eggs, I’d totally pick yours, my Cappy sister.
You will get picked. I would so pick you if I was looking for eggs. Someone will pick you, and soon, I am sure of it. I think the IF just meant that maybe nobody would pick you the first time the list went out, that maybe there’s nobody who would be a good physical match. But that’s not going to happen, because we know there’ll be at least 3 people fighting over your eggs. At least 3!
You’ll get picked, I’m sure of it!! Waiting and bureaucracy suck, but unfortunately make many wheels in this world go round. And yes we will still be here in June, and after that. Believe in yourself, IVP sister. xx
Don’t read into an overworked and maybe underpaid nurse’s tone. She just can’t turn on the charm day after day. This is just a job for her. Sure, it’s your life, but it is just a job for her. You will get picked and it will all work out. Don’t lose that hope. The fact that you have to wiat till june is annoying. But it will happen.
I will be here if you don’t get picked. You know I will. Would you prefer me to fly to you or me to fly you to me?
Ah, and did you see how you stuck the insult fat in there? I do that to. Like everything bad happens to me because I’m fat and therefore don’t deserve happiness.
I’m certain you’ll be picked!! Someone would be crazy not to! But part of why this is hard is that there isn’t a finite period of time by which you will know if you are picked. There is no “we’ll let you know by X date if you’ve been picked”. I know ALL about obsessing over things I want to happen (Now! Now! Now!), but please try to not be too depressed if you don’t hear something immediately. Is there any way you can distract yourself a little so as not to watch the pot come to a rolling boil? Sometimes things happen when you turn your attention away from them for a moment… Hang in there, honey. xo
i can’t imagine how hard it must be to wait, and stress about being picked. but june is a lovely month and i know good things will come to you then. at least that’s what i’m rooting for!!!! hang in there. and the ducklings are far too cute for words.
You’ve been TTC for a very long time. So, of course, it’s easy for someone else to feel like… June? It’s only a couple months away. But your wait didn’t start in April. So it has been very long indeed.
June *will* come though. I hope someone picks you right away. But if not, yes, we’ll all be here for you. But someone will pick the blue-eyed Amazon, I just know it! Height is very important to lots of people. Really. It is.
One of the hardest parts of the baby ride is the waiting. It just never seems to end. Nothing sucks the life out of a good mood or good news like waiting for the next good or bad thing to happen. And the good seems so good and the bad seems so bad. It is almost impossible to distract yourself from it and yet that is what you must do to get on with everyday living. So my advice (since you didn’t ask) is to:
~relax! it will happen! Stressing just makes it worse and doesn’t make anything happen faster.
~adopt! nothing gets a girl knocked up (or chosen) faster than adoption, or so I hear.
~have you tried having sex? a few one night stands with no protection ought to do it. then who cares about IVF?
~smoke crack and shoot heroin. This one seems to work for anyone who doesn’t want children. Totally makes time fly by. Bonus, those rehab stints are totally in fashion right now.
Ah, I’m a real crack-up aren’t I? I just got a huge assignment at work that I wasn’t expecting so my way of dealing is by commenting sarcastically on your blog. Lucky you.
Big hugs Cali. You WILL get chosen and I would pick you in a heartbeat. (did I ever tell you our first donor was 43?)
Dude. The waiting, and then more waiting, and then depending on other people, and then getting hopes up and then depending on more people, then MORE fucking waiting is soooooooo brutal. B.R.U.T.A.L. Go ahead and feel shitty for a bit, let it pass through you so you can move on to the hope. And although I will be here with you no matter what (you know this) I really do believe you will get picked. But that doesn’t make the waiting easier. Waiting SUCKS. And I’m here with you for the waiting too.
I know the waiting sucks, it seems like one set back after another. ((hugs)).
While I would never bash the nursing population in general, might I remind you of That Nurse Who Told Me Over the Phone That I Was Having an Ectopic Based on Beta Numbers and Then Never Called Me Back. In spite of where they work, which should make them more sensitive to their clientele, some of them have ZERO sensitivity.
That being said…I would pick your eggs out of a lineup ANY DAY!
Here always.
it’s the same on the other side… they tell the recipients that the wait is a year. then we get a call in a month, or 7 months. they just need us all to back off and calm down and that’s their strategy. that’s my story and i’m stickin’ to it. and don’t call our friend cali a lame fat asshole please.
Think of how many women have probably been passing up women with each new list, just waiting for that PERFECTLY COOL CHICK to come along. You’re gonna knock their socks off!
I remember feeling very anxious when I was listed as an ED. Wondering if anyone would pick me. And wondering why the hell anyone would pick me. Then I had to pull myself of the list before I even got a chance to be picked. All that stressing for nothing. These days I can’t donate - though I would in heartbeat. I’m amazed that I am allowed to even donate blood. But I can. And I do. And you know what? They want my blood. And you know what? They are going to want your eggs too. Your eggs are going to be a treasured gift for some family somewhere.
I got your back sis-tah! Standing right behind you charlie’s Angels style with my fingers pointed up like some kind of pistol! You know, we all gotta stick together, and when you fall about from now until June, I got plenty of glue..and duct tape, duct tape will put anything back together!
But you know what?! Someone out there is just waiting to pounce on your eggs! I know it! I can feel it! And a month is long, no doubt, but it’s only one month. What’s one month! Take this month and turn it into something super creative! Turn the time for yourself! What is it you always wanted to do? How about going out and taking one interseting photo a day. I know there has got to be some cool stuff in your city. And then you can blog about it and tell some kind of funny story to the picture. Every day. Start small, think big! And before you know it, May will be over and you’ll be on the list.
You are as close to your dream as you have ever been, don’t let May get in your way. Plough May down!
The wait, oh the wait. It’s so much harder to wait than to be doing something. Sorry your wait just got extended again.
June is right after May, and May is right around the corner! Think of all of the crazy things you can do in May since you are NOT waiting to hear about TTC! I highly recommend riding a lot of rollercoasters, drinking a lot of beer, bouncing on trampolines, and anything else you think you might be holding off on once June rolls around. Because May is beautiful, and this year is flying by!
xoxoxoxo
I’ll be here, still lurking/commenting/loving you and your bad-ass blog, no matter what the news is. It seems to me you have reason to keep hope in your heart that you’ll be picked, judging from the initial conversation you had. You know, tall and fat women want to have babies just as much as everyone else, and if I were one, I would NOT want eggs from a short, petite gal. That’s just me, but I imagine I am not alone. I know you are insecure about your size, but this might be one time in your life when it is on your side. And anyway, I hear you’re a bombshell from certain Brooklynites, whom I trust more than you when it comes to how you REALLY look, no offense.