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The Groups
Mini (psychotic) break
I am going to be going on a blog hiatus for _____. This walking depression isn’t leaving me and I can’t deal with how it is making me feel. Not sure if there are phases with this sort of thing, but I am on the step that makes you cry for no reason. (just coming out of the phase that makes you not want to get out of bed and brush your teeth…)
Friday I watched a movie with Mother & GM. It was just a random movie, nothing too special about it. About thirty minutes into the film a little girl is being tucked into bed & she reaches up to hug her Mother and exclaims, “I love you, Mommy.” & I lost it. I started wailing so much that we had to turn the movie off and I had to be sent to my room as I was scaring GM.
I cried for the rest of Saturday with this sort of drone voice in the back of my head saying, You will never hear the phrase “I love you, Mommy.”
There are these massive gaping holes in my heart and I am at a loss for what to do about it. Each try (all 14 of them), each invasive procedure, each surgery, each time I let myself hope and pray. In its place are empty spaces and now I am falling apart.
I feel my faith slipping away and all of that mushy Pollyanna shit that I am usually good for has left me. I can’t deal with all of the holiday shit that is in my face. I don’t want to get happy about the birth of anyBODY, much less some religious person, who may or not be responsible for the Universe & therefore is the reason I don’t have my own baby. You following me?
See? I am a wreck. I walk by women with strollers full of babies & I hate them. Not the sort of drivel one wants to read. I get it.
I’ll be thinking of you all & wishing you well. Just think of me as that bitch that ruins all of the statistics for everyone else.
Comments
27 Responses to “Mini (psychotic) break”
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What to say except you are loved and will be missed. You’re always in my thoughts.
Take space if you need it.
But remember that cutting yourself off from the people who can support you is often one of the ways the depression worm works its way deeper into your soul…
We will be thinking of you and missing you…
I’m so sorry you are feeling so glum. But art-sweet is right about cutting yourself off. Please don’t bury yourself too far out of reach. this too will pass, it will. and if you think writing about it will help - then please, please continue to do so.
please look after yourself.
Kx
As one who suffers from depression I think you definately need time to yourself but like Art-Sweet said don’t let this become about self-hating isolation.
Did you know that you can be on Zoloft or Prozac while undergoing ART? Just use the minimum therapeutic dose during ART, tritate down in the first trimester and back up in the second. My shrink told me that in case my depression hit mythic proportions as it has lately so I might be going on meds pretty soon.
Cali - we love you, and I SO get that empty hole. There’s SO much going on for you right now, and well, use us, please.
Rant, cry, scream, whatever you need. there’s NO Pollyanna shit needed right now.
much love,S
Just wanted to send hugs your way. You’re going through a very difficult time right now. Take whatever time you need for yourself, but know that we’re here for you and will help support you with whatever you’re going through.
XO XO XO XO
First of all, big hugs. I know that hole, sweetie. I do. (((Cali)))
Secondly, I have to agree with Art-Sweet & Sophia - depression can just make itself worse if you cocoon away from everyone that loves you. Scream here. Rant here. Lord knows I did. It helped a little, although I’m still pretty sad again this holiday season.
Keep us updated. Hugs.
We’re all happy to listen, you know. Even to the stuff you hate to hear yourself say.
xoxo
You will be missed, your witty words, your funny words, your angry words and your sad words.. we all will miss them but we love you and if you need to get away, then do it, feel better, take time and come back when you’re ready, we all be here waiting for sure.
Big hugs… and if there’s anything we can do for you we are all ears (or eyes)
Take care Calli, and remeber You Rock our world!!!
Sweetie do what you need to do, we will be there for you whatever happens. I wish there was a magic wand…
Ditto what everyone else has said. You do what you need to do to slog through all this crap. We’ll be here when you’re ready to come back. (Though, perhaps you could throw us a quick update now & then just so we don’t worry ourselves sick.)
I just echo what many have already said: I understand the need for space, but isolation can be dangerous. Please feel free to pop back in and let us be of help, at least now and then.
I always look forward to reading your blog, and it’s not because of the Polyanna attitude. It’s because you’re you. That’s enough.
Breaks can be good. Changing things up to try to look at things a new way can be good. But don’t disappear on us. If you’re so far gone that you can’t help it, make sure someone has a good eye on you so you can get help.
As someone who has definitely been there in the worst, worst way, I will say that writing it - blogging it, in particular - helped save my life. I would encourage you to keep writing. I know you have all this shit about being positive and Pollyanna and making sure everyone likes you but this is just not the time. We are not here to be entertained by you. We are here to support you as you do us. It doesn’t matter if you get on here every single day and write exactly the same thing. Be repetitive. Say it over and over and over. Tell us how shitty it feels. Write it down. Let it out. Over and over and over. We will still be here. You may think you could scare us away (I know I always think no one should have to be near me when I am in the bad place) but you can’t. If you think it’s too big for us to handle, realize that’s just the messy disease of depression trying to isolate you and keep you in the hole.
We’re here, babe.
Short and sweet: much love, and here for you.
Aw, shit Cali.
We’ll be thinking of you.
As someone who has been reading your blog for some time, cheering you along(silently)from the sidelines, I just want to say how sorry I am that you are feeling this way and that I hope things start to get better soon. Sending you all good thoughts and wishes - you will be missed.
I am sorry you are feeling this way. I understand the need for a break.
I’ll just echo everyone else. If you feel the need for a break from the blogosphere and from people in general, I say fine. But please don’t cut everyone out. If blogging or emailing or writing to or messaging or calling certain people is helpful, lean on those people, whoever they may be. And if you ever feel like you can’t reach out to anyone, that’s not true. I can say 100% that you can reach out to me. And having read all the previous comments, I’d say you can reach out to any of those people, too. So, just know that you’re not alone, and whoever you feel can best support you, please lean on them. You have many friends.
Cali,
I agree with what everyone has said. I think we’ve all been there. I actually was pissed at my friend when she had her FIFTH baby. I should have been happy, but all I could think about was how it will probably never be me. I go through the crying jags also. Take some time to be alone. I know we’ll all be hearing from you soon.
Your Friend,
Shannon
dear calliope… i’m wishing you strength. you are strong and i know you will pull through this. your blog fans will be here for you when you return. you helped get me through the holidays last year (that dark night in belgium) - i remember so clearly how depressed i was… it was a tough year for me too. reading your blog is always a joy. please take good care of yourself. i will miss your posts.
Oh Cali- it sucks to bad to feel so aweful. Don’t worry about not being pollyanna for us. We are here to listen and we love you. I understnad wanting to take time away, but I hope you know that we don’t need or want you to be silent about how you are feeling.
You have not ruined the statistics for anyone, btw.
((hugs))
Calli, I’ll just reiterate what everyone else has said so much better than me…we’re here for you. However and whenever you need us.
I know what it’s like to be so depressed it’s physicaly painful. My only advice is to not shut yourself off from everyone, but pick one or two really close friends that you can talk to, and if you need to go to a professional do so. ((Hugs)). Sending you what little strength I can.
Take all the time away you need - we will be here supporting you when you need us.
I posted a brilliant comment earlier, but I guess it ididn’t post. It said something like: DON’T ISOLATE!!! We are not here for you to entertain! We are here because we care about you! Complain. Bitch. Whine. Drone on and on. We’ll still be here. We love you because you are you! And right now you are all depressed and shit. We love you through that too. I say, BRING IT ON. Really. The worst thing you can do is isolate. Write through it.
I agree with everyone else. We read your stuff because you are honest, caring, and real. Nothing is more real than the shitty stuff. Seeing as I am commenter #25, you have support in the blogosphere for whatever life throws at you. Please don’t isolate too much. Drop us a line every now and then so we know you are still around…
Oh no, I am the bitch that ruins the stats, not you, sweetie. I can empathise with the need to have a break and as someone who has resorted to the ADs recently, you know I feel you.
Take care of yourself, okay?