I’ve been doing a LOT of writing this week. Nothing that I will share here as most of it is of the, “why are things so fucking shitty all of the damn fucking time?” genre (odd that wasn’t a genre option at NaNo…but I digress) I’ve also been getting some good e-mails from friends. Don’t you love it when your friends care enough to send you, “GET HELP NOW!” notes? I do. Because I need it. I am a bitcher & complainer but seldom a doer when it comes to my own well-being. So thank you for all of the e-mails (especially the ones with forwards from crazy people- those are always good to snap out of your own problems), voice-mails and text messaging.
Last night I picked up a book that I have had since GM was diagnosed, The Loss of Self. It was on a dense shelf of other Alzheimer’s books that were all well read and book marked or with entire chapters dog eared. The sad thing was this book was virtually brand new. The one book that I had on how to take care of the care giver & I hadn’t even cracked the spine. oops.
I spent an hour or so thumbing through the book and the more I read the more I realized that what I have been going through is normal. This is kind of huge for me. Growing up with a manic Mother and now taking care of GM has had me straddling two generations of crazy. I always sort of prided myself on being the only person in my family NOT on antidepressants. It’s a stupid and ridiculous form of snobbery, but I had some fucked up pride in not having to take a blue or yellow pill every morning.
I’m figuring out the best way to get some help. My insurance won’t cover any more therapy visits this year and I don’t yet have a primary care physician. I’m thinking about calling my old doctor in ‘bama. I think a part of me is hoping that he will send me some magic pills in the mail, but I am guessing it doesn’t work that way…
Last night I had a dream that can best be described as unusual. I was in my bedroom, only it didn’t look like my bedroom now. It actually looked more like my bedroom if I had won a contest from Architectural Digest. Nice that I upgraded my bedding in my sleep. In my dream I was
asleep but awoke to discover that there was a medium sized white snake in the bed with me (& spare me the phalic interpretations). I sat up to look at the snake and assumed it was dead. Not once did it scare me, but I was more annoyed that I would have to ultimately get rid of it. I got up and picked up the snake and it began to move. It coiled up inside the palm of my hand and radiated warmth. I took the white snake to my balcony (see, Architectural Digest was very good to me!) and threw the animal up into the air. It seemed to have vanished but then I realized that it turned to snow. Snow is my number one favorite weather situation and I woke up feeling happy.
Now here is where it gets interesting. This morning, as I was downloading the crossword puzzle from the local newspaper, I saw this article: Snow in Florida
I’m not going to address my euphoria over my new psychic powers (just in time for me to be a guest star on NBC’s Heroes!!), but people!! There. Was. S N O W. in Florida.
I’m just worried that the Universe fucked up my holiday wish list. I want money for an IVF, and THEN I want snow.
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Ok…if you’re controlling the weather, I TOTALLY want to be on your good side!
So, yeah, now theres this image, of you on the hood of a rolls royce…….
I can’t believe that there has been NO snow here yet, but Florida gets the powder? Shame! But happy for your wish, as messed up in order as they may be.
Are there no…free type therapy clinics in Fla? Maybe look into the gay ones. I mean, I know…but usually they have good therapy for free. And as you could be dealing with these same issues……you know, orientation shouldn’t play into it.
xo
Oh I’m so jealous of the snow!!! But on the bright side, looks like your wishes are coming true… maybe not in the proper order, but stay tuned.
And, Happy Thanksgiving!
Your dreams are so much more awesome than mine. Last night I dreamt that my dad was telling the people at his birthday party that he was just waiting for us to realize that we should be doing at home inseminations because that was so obviously going to work better. I felt terribly misunderstood. As in life. End of dream, end of interpretation. Bleh. I like the snow snake.
Snakes in dreams often represent transformation, and more specifically the death of something.
Water (snow is water) often represents emotion. Sometimes it can indicate frozen or burried emotions surfacing.
According to S, the snake and the snow are about something pure and clean being reborn. And the apartment (your home often is yourself) is also new. All of S’s most powerful dreams are snake dreams.
If you can, I recomment writing down this dream in a special place, with your favorite medium (pen, typing) and include all the details you can possibly remember. Like what did the apatment look like, the balcony, your bedding, what were you feeling at various points, what other colors were there. I hear a lot of dreams in my line of work (and I know you) and I REALLY THINK THIS IS AN IMPORTANT DREAM. Write it down. Bring it to your future therapist someday. Let it inspire some artork, a story, some photographs.
This is the kind of dream that might be useful to you your whole life. I think this dream is has many messages for you and came to you for a reason.
OK, I’m done.
I’m glad you picked up “The Loss of Self.” I’m not surprised it took you so long to pick it up. As someone who has been in the caregiver role a lot myself (comforting cancer-stricken mom, taking care of drunken dad, caring for GM with emphysema), I know how easy it can be just to get wrapped up in what someone else needs and not think about how it’s affecting you. So, good for you for picking it up and recognizing that what you’re deeling is normal.
I’m glad you’re trying to find the best way to get help. It sucks that with the move and with your insurance that it’s complicated, but I am sure you’ll persevere and manage to get it down. Hugs.
Your dream was pretty incredible.
Your dream is similar to the dream I had last night. It’s weird because I rarely remeber my dreams and even rarer is it for me to even think of a snake. But last night I dreamed that there was a medium sized white snake in my house. I have never dreamed about snakes. I don’t like snakes and unless I’m channel surfing and cross the animal planet showcasing them then I could almost forget they exist. So this leads me to believe that this symbol really does have some significance. But what?