The shower scene.
I realized this morning that I had not washed my hair on over a week. A full on, seven days. For whatever reason I just wasn’t motivated to do it. I didn’t care. I couldn’t muster up the energy for it. Of course as soon as I realized it I felt gross and nasty and made myself get out of my warm bed to do something about it.
Once I was in the shower and in between the steps rinse and repeat I began to sob. I was positioned directly under the hot stream of water and I just had this image of the heat of the water melting my heart.
It was then that I realized that I have been in walking depression. I don’t know if that is a real term or not, but the way I think of it is that I have been walking around, going about my business & unaware of a hovering, dark cloud of funk inside of me.
I should have noticed it when it became harder & harder to get out of bed. I usually spring up around 6:30am and get going on all of my morning chores. As much as I hate to admit it (as it seems so very uncool) I have evolved into a morning person. This most likely stems from the fact that nobody in my house is awake in the early hours & I can pretend that I am just living a life for me.
Now I struggle to be dressed by nine. I find myself putting on the same pair of pants and the same shoes (ok, and sometimes the same shirt) every day. I really can’t be bothered with my appearance. I haven’t worn make up or cared about it in over a week.
In the shower I wept as if somebody had cut me. Heaving, gross sobs – the kind that bring up the taste of last night’s dinner. What kills me is that I have no specific reason for this walking depression. It is like a stew of so many ingredients. A little bouillon of generic sadness as the base. Then add resentment, a heaping dose of jealousy, a tablespoon of regrets, at least a cup of body issues, a sprig of fear, a dash of anxiety, and a slab of melting baby dreams. This has been simmering in my heart for longer than a week, but for whatever reason it has started to seep out and flavor the rest of my being. And just in time for the holiday/birthday season. Yum!
I don’t think there is a solution. I don’t imagine that there exists in the world a remedy for walking depression. It’s like this private quicksand that I will have to struggle daily to pull myself out of.
Oh sweetie of course you’re a bit depressed. Think about all the losses you’ve had to endure. It’s amazing that you are still walking around, even if it is in your pyjamas sometimes. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
You’ve had a lot of loss lately. Damnit that it’s happened. I know that quicksand, and I know that it’s tough. Add to that this particular time of year (ditto on bday/holiday crap), and life bites.
I’ve got lots of rope. Just grab on, and we’ll pull.
Yesterday, Wes said he couldn’t believe that you weren’t ALWAYS rageful and homicidal as if on Clomid. You have soooooo much on your plate. Most of us could never do what you do. I am constantly in awe of you and simultaneously worried about you. I hope you take careful, loving care of yourself during this walking crap time. And yes – we are here.
I’m sorry you’re feeling down, but as the others have said, it’s not for no reason. You have so much to deal with that it’s not surprising it takes its toll sometimes. Hang in there.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling depressed. I’ll echo everyone else and say that you have lots of legitimate reasons to feel down right now. So, don’t beat yourself up for it. It is what it is.
I also think you’re an incredibly strong person. I’ll bet that your GM has not suffered or wanted for things this week even though you’ve felt horrible. I think it takes a lot of strength just to get up in the morning, even at 9, and do what needs to be done.
I’m so sorry. If there’s anything we can do, let us know.
Sending big, big hugs your way. I am so sorry that so much shit has come to pass. You are in my thoughts.
You have suffered too many disappointments and / or losses in a short period of time. Sometimes this depression that hits us is a way of forcing us to realize there really, truly are things beyond our control and we cannot be blamed for everything. I’ve been there, done that and recognize the symptoms in myself but that doesn’t mean I can prevent the sneaky b**ger sneaking into my soul most winters. Best thing to do is write on here to let it out, talk to someone who truly understands or if all else fails, try anti-depressants. For me, I prefer the talking to a trusted friend. Also know, it does pass eventually. We are ALL here for you for what ever support you need. Sometimes invisible friends can be the best solution.
Oh does depression suck ass. I’m going to email you.
You carry the world around on your shoulders and then wonder why you’re hunched over.
I have oftentimes wondered why you have killed yourself over not getting preggers when you already have a baby to take care of… albiet in her 80′s… she needs you like any child would.
You are the closest thing to a Saint that I have ever encountered. I wish (so badly) that you would quit being so f’in hard on yourself. So you need to lose some weight? So what? No, you’re not getting pregnant right now- but you’re not even close to menopause.
You are bound to your home right now by duties and needs there. You are accomplishing the unbelievable. How many people could devote their daily lives to caregiving in the most unselfish of ways? I’m gonna be honest with you… not many.
What is going to happen to Calliope when the unthinkable but inevitable happens? Where will you go? What will you do? Who will you meet?
If I sound like a snarky bitch right now, it’s because I’m trying to give you some gentle tough love. Because your amazing talents and soul are there… waiting to be utilized. I know damn well about being depressed. I know about struggle and not getting what you want when you want it. And you know I’m no Bible thumper… but I do believe in a higher power… and that everything happens when it’s supposed to… and that you are loved by many many people far more than you might realize.
Take a yoga class. Read a new book. Bring your camera with you EVERYWHERE you go and plot a book of photographs. You can do ANYTHING. And “Anything” will happen… when you’re really ready.
I love you, C.
Oh Cali.
Depression bites.
I’m very sorry that you are so low. And I quite understand why you would be. And I have faith that you will conquer it and life will turn out right, for you. You sound very much like you deserve that.
Everyone has been so much more eloquent than I could be. I’m sorry you’re having a rough time of it, but it’s usually when things settle down that we finally feel stuff (after the crisis, etc.). Sending much love.
I will echo the thought that it would be more amazing if you were not at all depressed with all that you are going through. Hell, any one of the things you are dealing with would send many people into a tailspin, much less an ugly cocktail of depressing or just outright hard stuff. Wish I knew of a magic cure.
Depression sneaks up on me like that sometimes. It totally sucks ASS. ((hugs))
For me, trying to just move through it is the best way to deal, because it is nothing that can be fixed. It’s like a huge mudpuddle in a parking lot. Dark and dirty but you’ve got to get past it or you’ll miss something good. Be gentle with yourself. You do many good things. You have things to be sad about and, I suspect, little time to process.
I’m sorry. That is a real ass-sucker.
I get it. I’m there. I send you much much love and support.
You need to talk to someone. You need professional help. You can’t climb out of the quicksand alone, babe.
If you are depressed long enough, it can affect your chemicals/hormones and that will keep you depressed no matter if it is a good day or bad day…and the fact you were on hormones anyway…sorry to be blunt but seriously, get thee to a doctor, pronto.
CALL ME.