-
-
Places to Go:
corduroy & control
You would think that on nearly the last day of October that one could safely put on a pair of corduroy pants and be able to walk the dog.
Except that it’s Florida and already nearly 80 degrees.
I am SO craving some gusty winds and sweater weather. I need me some shivers and wool sock love.
This is where I say thank the lawd that my New England trip is just around the corner. Just thinking about all of the SOCKS! and BOOTS! and LONG SLEEVED SHIRTS! I am going to pack puts me in my happy place.
I’m in need of a happy place in a fierce way at the moment. This weekend things got tense between Mother and I. It doesn’t happen as often as it used to but when it does it is just as explosive as our fights from my teenage years and her pre medication years.
Each time usually begins because we approach change and conflict so differently.
Before Mother went to her conference she told me that her Big Boss told her that she should take her work computer home and just work from home. This was a huge relief to me as it meant that GM would not be alone for any long period of time.
Last night I suggested that Mother bring home the work computer Monday so that we could make sure that she can get on to her network, etc. But Mother wasn’t planning on bringing home the work computer at all. No she is planing on working 1/2 days at the office while I am in New England. Now while this can still work- it was not what we had earlier discussed. And if truth is to be told- I flipped.
Here is the deal: I don’t like change. I don’t like surprises. I don’t like coming home to a house where all of the furniture has been rearranged. It makes me feel like I am out of control.
But I am not so rigid that I can’t deal with change- just as long as I am told about it in advance. A simple, “Hey I am going to do _____”. A heads up, if you will. Then I am in the know, in the loop, up to speed. I won’t be caught off guard.
So the news that the scenario for GM’s care that I had sketched out in my pretty little head was not, in fact, how things were going to be, floored me. I know I should be more go with the flow, but seriously, I would like you to name me one infertile chica that doesn’t try to control all the other aspects of her life. (really, is it just me? & was that kind of lame that I just attempted to blame this on the state of my ovaries?)
Eventually Mother & I both calmed down so that we could discuss rather than bicker. (I would like to thank my Alabama therapist for teaching me how to stop and listen.) GM will be ok, her care will not be lacking, everything will be fine. Yes. I heard that.
But the aftertaste of anxiety is still with me. As any of my friends can attest, when I am away from GM I worry. It takes a great deal of time for me to disengage and unplug from the routine that I have implemented. But I wasn’t always like this. (ok, maybe a little.)
Sure the foundation for being a control freak has always been with me, much like the Force was always with Luke. (um) I grew up in an ever changing world. A childhood where things were topsy turvy and distorted without any rational explanation. As soon as I was on my own I started establishing an environment for myself that was safe. A place where I say when, or how.
(This also taps into my reasons for staying single. As much as I crave being in a relationship it would take a very loving & brave man that would dare enter my world of control.)
In fact if you took a blank piece of paper and wrote CONTROL in big block letters in the center you could then draw a line to virtually every element in my life. It may also show you how a person such as me might really enjoy taking care of GM as it gives me control. It may also show you that I am so the person that you must never throw a surprise party for (unless you tell me in advance).
The unfortunate bit is that while there is a sense of calm in being able to control things I actually do not like being a spazz about it. I really wish that I could be carefree and whimsical. I wish that I was the kind of person that could really go with the flow (& not just look like she is).
Comments
9 Responses to “corduroy & control”
Got something to say?
-
-
Give to U.T.E.R.U.S.
-
Great Hosting By:
-
oh, me too. i wish that too. alas, no…no carefree or whimsical here.
I understand resisting change….I’m often a member of that club.
Also…you missed a SERIOUSlY windy weekend….I hope it calms by the time you arrive!
i think you are my sister. i was sure of it when you mentioned the no-surprise-party (without advance notice)!!!
i’m glad i am not the only one so control-ish.
hugs to you and wishing you lots of windy chilly sweater-wearing and sock-filled days on your trip!!! wave when you pass maryland
i have often said, to my poor husband usually, that the key to managing me is to manage my expectations. no small task indeed. sounds like you are a similar beast. having an unpredictable and emotionally unsafe world as a little person completely undermine’s one trust in the world. as adults, trying to anticipate and thereby control everything pretty much guarantees that we’ll continue being surprised and disappointed.
rock us hard place
don’t forget the scarves. i’ll bet you look stunning in a good scarf.
I’m really waiting for the long sleeve and sweater weather too. I’m ready!!
Sorry about the mom issues. I don’t think it is controlling to want a bit of a heads-up when something is going to change. I think that’s perfectly normal. Now, no surprise parties - hmmm. Hey, maybe I need you to be my personal assistant because I spend too much time out of control! But I do understand that when things are out of control in one area, it is so reassuring to have control in another area.
And GM will be fine, really.
I just left a comment about needing to be in control on another blog. I can understand your frustration - esp if it draws up feelings of past frustration with your mother. You should give yourself credit for recognizing and dealing appropriately with your feelings.
And I’m with you on the sweaters and cords. I grew up in Houston, where shorts on Christmas Day are not unusual. Enjoy the crisp NE weather!
It must be a mother sort of blogging day as I have just blogged about mine for the last half hour!
I am with you on the control
I am also with you on the cold clothes thing - except being on the opposite side of the world I am craving short sleeves and white frocks (although my mirror says I shouldn’t wear either, my summer heart does not agree!)
Joining the Control Freaks Club. I am the worst kind of control freak because up until a couple years ago I did not think I was a control freak at all. I thought I was easy going. Yeah.
Anyway, I hear where you are coming from. It is no small task to let go of things and see how they turn out without your finger poised right over the button. Good luck!
When it gets cooler you need to come visit us! We’ll have fires and hot drinks and it won’t cost you a thing!!